How do I stop attracting cocklodgers?

[Kaltenzahn]

I'm almost 30 and haven't had a significant relationship in around 4 years. The last few men I've dated have shown major cocklodger red flags a few months in, which has massively turned me off and I've ended things pretty soon after.

I'm not sure where I'm going wrong - whether I'm attracting the wrong type of guy or whether there are early warning signs that I'm missing.

I don't know what to do! I'd love to find a healthy relationship but I'm losing hope, the last 4 men I've dated have all turned out the exact same way.

How do I stop attracting this kind of man, or how do I spot them early on and save myself wasting my time? Is this just part of the shit that comes with dating in your 30s?

Help!

Maybe I'm lucky but I met my husband at 32 through online dating, married at 33. He's the best husband I could ever ask for and I cannot imagine life without him. Most of my friends are career women and got married 1st time in their 30s, some got married 2nd time.
In order to meet my husband I had to weed the other 99% out. This is by saying no to being intimate early, no to moving in, ghost some of them, be strict with the amount of time I give to a date. And ahem, this is controversial but I expect my date to pay (I would offer but I won't go on another date with someone that lets me pay). After doing all of that, the men that got on further dates are nice, decent, kind gentlemen; and the terrible ones are out.
The key here is don't be afraid to be ruthless and weed people out. By pushing aside the bad boys, you're giving yourself and your true love a chance to be able to meet each other. The right person wouldn't make you give him the benefits of doubts, he would make it clear as day that he's there's for your heart, not your money or your house.

Try the "Ask a matchmaker 12 date rule" before having sex - it's not 12 dates necessarily (phone calls can count as dates) but the aim is to:

1. See how they behave when you are having a bad day
2. See how they behave when they are having a bad day
3. See how they behave when you are having a good day
4. See how they behave when they are having a good day

She would say that number 3 is most important - are they genuinely pleased for you if something good happens in your life or do they rubbish your achievements?

Date a man with a successful business - that would show he is proactive and not lazy. Has a good work ethic etc?

The problem is to weed out the men who claim to be successful businessmen but who actually live in their mum’s basement and try to sell things on TikTok.

Women are often criticised for being selective. As a PP mentioned “gold digger” being an example. It’s one of those views that sound virtuous but don’t stand up to any thought. Carry on being selective and don’t waver on the things that are important to you. Your career and financial security are important to you so of course you will expect a partner to have the same values. Don’t let anyone tell you that is a bad thing.

You are doing all the right things, you just need to think of ways to weed out the men who aren’t right for you sooner. For example, make sure you visit them as soon as possible to see how they live. anyone who isn’t happily living in a clean comfortable home - ditch them. Not just because they are likely to want to slide into your home, but if they are ok living in squalor then that tells you a lot about their character.

Steer conversations to ways that will indirectly reveal their values. It sounds sneaky but if presented with a direct question no one is likely to admit to poor ethics or low standards.

No one is perfect but you know what isn’t acceptable to you, seeing good in someone doesn’t mean they are a good match for you and that you should waste time with them out of some inappropriate nicety

I have met loads of fortune hunters - usually men with unsuitable accommodation who really need somewhere to live that can take their three kids.

If you avoid the “unsuitable accommodation” types things could improve quite quickly!

Stop caring if you look like a gold digger. It doesn’t matter at least it means men will start to self select.

Problem solved.

She can just date one of the thousands of hot, single, straight men with a successful business that we all just trip over in the street everyday.

How many of these hot, single, straight men with a successful business who are looking for a long term monogamous relationship do you know? Or does anybody know for that matter?

Sticking to men who live independently in accommodation that meets their needs is a good idea, but some people don’t own a car for environmental reasons or because of poor eyesight or something- don’t throw them out as well. The key thing is can they get about independently or will they be telying on you.

You’re not being a gold digger - you’re looking for someone who has financial equality with you. You’re not looking to take their money, you’re just not wanting someone to be after yours!

I’ve had this problem dating my whole life. I’ve owned my home outright from a very young age (inheritance, high income, big london house) and I’m convinced several of the men I’ve ended up with have only been after me because of that. I don’t really know what the answer is except being more ruthless.

I should add I’ve now been happily married 15 years but when I met dh he was a lot younger than me and back at his Mums after finishing university (!) I was a divorced Mum of 1 but I could see he had a really good work ethic and had the same values as me. It’s worked out really well but with hindsight it could have gone horribly wrong (!)

I’m thinking more of the men that friends meet (I’ve been married for a long time and am firmly middle aged).

The thing is, it’s a rare man who advertises that he lives somewhere unsuitable and really, really wants to meet a woman with her own house with at least two spare bedrooms. Anyone with any sense will hide that until he’s sure the woman is interested.

If she goes back to his place, he may say that the house is being sold so he is staying in his mate’s shed / his mum’s basement until he gets the money from the house sale next month (this won’t happen).

Yeah, ‘must own own car’ basically eliminates anyone who lives in central London, Paris, NYC, Berlin etc.

Maybe don’t do dating at all. Live for yourself and if you do meet a good person via a hobby, for example then great.

I would find out their career and housing early as possible (would also not date someone with kids at your age). Weed them out before the first date. If anyone thinks you’re a gold digger they are wrong so don’t worry about it.

IME the only men who complain about women being 'gold diggers' are the ones who don't have any money...

A gold digger is someone who is broke and wants a wealthy partner to solve that problem, not an independent career woman who wants to meet her equal. OP there is no way you fall into that category.

I agree, raise the bar. And also, maybe give charmers a swerve and keep an open mind about those quiet, dependable men who are often overlooked. The most rocksolid happy marriages I know are all with women who married good hearted, dependable, hard working men who most women don't find sexy, even if they are conventionally attractive.

In my head ‘gold digger’ is similar to ‘Karen’ to make women more compliant - in the sense that one is used to stop you having standards and the other is used to stop you expressing a standard.

I 100% agree.

I’m not so sure. Maybe it’s just my group of friends but only two have got divorced, one cheated and remarried, the other had a gambling problem so his wife dumped him. But the rest are all still together, we’re talking 10-20 years of marriage (we’re all late 30’s-mid 40’s).

Insist on going out for dates, don't let them come round (put their feet up and make themselves at home) and start sizing up your place too early on!

Do check out where/ how they live and swerve those who have come out of a relationship and are still drifting/ living with mates / on a sofa/ at their parents without a plan for moving (and not a plan that consists of waiting to meet the next woman to move in with!)

When I was dating (mid to late 30s), my rather strict requirements were:

• Owns his property and lives alone (because I owned mine and lived alone)
• No kids (because I don't have any and don't want the potential relationship complications)
• Earn the same or more than me (I had a guy who was earning half of what I earned, and he quickly talked about marriage and him being a SAHD (?!) - I ran!
• Taller than me in heels😅
• Ideally eats meat (been on a few dates with a vegetarian and there were a few awkward moments where I felt judged)

Some of my requirements may seem superficial, and it's each to their own. You need a list of what you want, what you will tolerate and the absolute deal-breakers.

This was 6-7 years ago now, so I'd imagine the dating pool is a lot worse now.. no doubt you will find someone so don't give up just yet and definitely do not settle!

You probably are missing early warning signs unconsciously. I would honestly recommend having some therapy. It can be good for breaking patterns.

You are doing all the right things, you just need to think of ways to weed out the men who aren’t right for you sooner. For example, make sure you visit them as soon as possible to see how they live. anyone who isn’t happily living in a clean comfortable home - ditch them. Not just because they are likely to want to slide into your home, but if they are ok living in squalor then that tells you a lot about their character.

This is good.
I was caught out by one who was lodging in a friend's home. He was actually paying rent etc. The friend was living in a shit tip - ie. the lounge, kitchen and bathroom were a mess. My ex's room was a hovel. He had all kinds of excuses as to why he was living in a shit tip - friend was responsible for cleaning the house; ex had too much stuff so his room was cluttered; he'd had to move out of a previous flat for some unclear (to me) reason and that's why he was lodging there with a load of stuff in a small room.

I was taken in by this bollocks and felt a bit sorry for him. But no, it just turned out he was an absolute slob and a cocklodger to boot.

I have since learned that if I ever start to "feel a bit sorry" for some boyfriend in the early stages that I should dump them immediately because it's a very bad sign.

As for the gold digging stuff - it's not gold digging for wanting to find a partner who is in a similar financial situation to yourself so that means if you own your own home they should ideally be a homeowner too, or at least be saving towards buying a property while living in their own rental place; if you are renting they should also be renting somewhere not lodging or crashing at a mate's place.
There shouldn't be a massive difference in circumstances - an example of that would be you owning your own property and him living with his parents and behaving like a 17 year old, not contributing, not doing chores and coming and going as they please with no responsibility and not a care in the world.

As for the own car thing - that depends on where you live. If you live in a city with good transport links then he might not need a car. I didn't until I was 36 and moved somewhere in the countryside with next to no public transport.
If they are being lifted and laid by parents and/or friends because they either a) can't be arsed to get a bus in a place with good public transport or b) they live somewhere impractical and don't have a car, I would avoid them because you'll end up being a taxi service.

I'm not sure that a visually-impaired environmentalist is my idea of a hot date ....

Thanks a lot. I’m visually impaired and have had some good dates. I just can’t drive.