Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Wow
What a weekend.

Big hugs to pc - hope h is ok and the flat viewing went well.

Oh baffy - complete nightmare but one i think we had all predicted, she will not be happy - what a way to 'get your man'.
Love you to ALL move here though.

UC - I think there is hope - dont be too hard on him and just show him what he is missing - one of the hardest things is accepting that they come back for you and not for the family/children/easier life.

FWIW my h did say he was in love with ow - and i think at the time he believed that - said he had never felt like that about anyone else ....the usual shit lines. I am sure he had not but it was never real ever. Stupid ow actually fell for it all too.

Also uc - she will not want to hear about you too much and if she says too much against you it will make h see her for what she is - they play a very clever game imo.
But you do have the upper hand and can 'win' if that is what you want - it may just take a long time.

Well ladies i do go comando - and yes i was wearing the hold it all in body thing so i would not have been able to get knickers on anyway.
Had a fantastic time - some were there who knew, but now that his leaving is official (was in the press at the weekend!) it was lovely to hear so many positive comments that he is doing the right thing (at a good time too with markets the way they are!!).

H is very relaxed and looks so happy too - with lots of comments on that too from people there.
So yesterday we had another fathers day and went out to a posh place for lunch.
Wonderful weekend and a good start to a good week.

oh tanee, you and me could've had a chat at 4am this morning if i hadn't been to scared of waking dd by getting up. i just lay in bed and read my book.

is this some sort of summer solstice whallop for us all?

this must be so hard for you to be torn between dp and dd. i've been there as the step-child adn it is tough especially with a step-parent who's not particularly well tuned into kids. fwiw, my relationship with my stepdad was rubbish in my teens but is fabulous now.

surely it can't come to your splitting up or changing your living arrangements too drastically. dd will be off to uni soon enough.

is there anyway you could re-org the house/bedroom so that dp can have his own space. put a TV and iPod speakers and a chaise or something in your bedroom perhaps?

first reaction as a mum is to say "how blardy selfish and immature of him" but having been a step-parent too i can say from experience that it is tough making room for other people's kids.

(sorry for the lack of punctuation there!)

he should be the adult and be mature about this but he's a 53yr old man who's never had to make these sorts of allowances.

i really hope you guys can work out a way forward.

word from h is that the IV has helped and he's in less pain with less swelling now. it all hinges on the registrar and god knows when s/he will turn up and speak from on high.

i am intending to get my act together and go get the van this morning. am in a bit of disarray here with packing etc and am terrified of how i am going to cope alone with dd trying to set up and cook etc. i will muddle thru tho and i feel a bit empowered by it all tbh.

it's a good training excercise for my pipe dream eh.

one thing i am a bit anxious about is that his father has to meet me with the keys etc.

i haven't seen them since dd's 1st birthday and i harbour a lot of resentment towards them over what has happened and their complete lack of motivation to actually see dd.

it will be very difficult for me to keep my gob shut and not have a pop at them.

Sorry Tannee
Only just read your post properly

I know your dp has been like this before - is it just a habbit? Things seem too nice and he would rather be in control than think this could all come crashing down. 'the i'd rather be right than happy' syndrome.

Sometimes i know i get a bit gloomy and only see the negatives - it is not a nice place to be and rather than ask for help you just come up with any solution, and in fact if that solution is actually a punishment too all the better because 'actually why do you deserve any happiness anyway?' Do you get the picture?

I am probably talking rubbish as you know him best anyway.
Do hope you managed to get some time to talk and sort it out - hang on in there.

Also TFM - please say yes so we can have a wedding - i have lots of hats to lend out and 2 willings bridesmaids .

Oh my word! There was I, sleeping like a baby at *pm, yes 8pm! And all this was going on!

What a weekend!!

Not much time to really digest everything right now so will pop back later and have a proper read but just wanted to say:

Baffy, you seem to be every level headed and very calm and also seem to know where you ar eheading with this. I agree with the others though, don't rush into any decisions. You have come such a long way and got through so much with H. I suppose it all boils sown to whether or not you want him and all the crap he brings with him or if you would want to walk away and aim for a happy trouble free life. Remembering though, it won't be possible to walk entirely away because of ds. Would you be happy to drop ds off with H and walk away knowing that OW had jumped into the space you had left? Personally, I would rather embrace the role of step mum than let her take away the man I love and the dreams I have for the future. But thats just me

PC I am so sorry you are going through all this, I really am. But H didn't mean to get hurt, he didn't do it on purpose, he was probably looking forward to the hol as much as you I hope today brings better news and that he is able to go with you. Sending you a huge hug!! xx

Tanee, big hug for you too. FWIW I have heard almost those exact words from my P myself. He hated coming home too, he didn't love me either. All twoddle!! It was him hating himself and him who didn't love himself and he hated coming home because he had pushed me so far away from him as a partner that he wasn't getting the love and comfort he needed. All was ok as far I was concerned, we were chugging along nicely but, because he was so low he needed more but, he just didn't know how to go about getting it. They push us away Tanee, not because they want us to go but because they are looking for the opposite, they want us to move closer. Daft yes! Stupid yes! But thats men for you! Your P sounds as though he is in a very low place at the moment and he is looking for a reason for it, of course you are closest to him so you will bear the brunt. Try not to panic and try not to take it ersonally. I would say try to be strong and give him some space. You take care of your own needs right now.

I'm sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick with any of the above, there was so much to read that i only managed to scan so I hope i haven't spoken out of turn. I need to go sort dd now but i will be back later.

Big hugs and lots of love to everyone. Keep smiling, we will sort it! xxx

TFM, I know it's not fault and I know I am being somewhat irrational but you know I've just about reached saturation point with things going wrong where H is concerned.

Lying awake in the small hours mulling things over I have come to the conclusion that H is just a bad luck charm for me.

Ever since I met him my life has taken downward turn after downward turn thru complete lack of control over my own life.

Yesterday's explosion also proved to me that I am still harbouring a massive amount of resentment and anger over what has happened in the last 3 years.

I will never never ever be able to understand how he can "help" his ex(es) out with taking the kids on weekends etc but sees my dd once every 2 months on average and that is only with me present.

And all this last week I've had emails telling me how much he misses me/us and loves me/us etc.

Yeh and that would be because I am the only one who doesn't give him a hard time about anything. I'm the only one who talks him thru all his dilemmas. I'm the only one who encourages him and tells him he's capable and deserves success and happiness.

Bloody more fool me to be frank.

Clearly behave like a witch, scream like a fish-wife, withold access and get exactly what you want is the lesson here.

TBH absolutely honest, whether he manages to join us or not I am an inch away from instructing the solicitors again.

He and his disaster ridden existance just bring me down!!!

PC - dont feel bad that you still hold some bad feelings - i actually think the 'let go and move on' is no where near as easy as some make out - why not hold onto some of it - just as long as the everyday running of your life is not ruled by it.
I am sure i will ever completly be free of my resentment (although that sounds bit too strong a word for it) it is a life experience that i never wanted - but wll carry with me - even if that is only to angry for other people when i hear about it happening to them.
Dont expect too much of yourself.

PC I understand, really I do and I do totally empathise with you. My heart really does go out to you, you have put so much into this relationship and do seem to get very little by return.

You do have control over your own life though, you can choose to live it however you wish. If you want to live it with H then I suppose you will have to accept he is who he is and he behave the way he does. Acceptance of who he is is the only way you are ever going to find peace within the relationship.
The other choice you have is not to live your life with him but again, accept who is is and accept that he will never be the father you want him to be. Find away to let go of the expectations of him that you have and live your life as happily unaffected by him as possible.

Please don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying this is what you should have to do but, it isn't. You and dd are perfectly entitled to love and support from him but unfortunately, nothing you can do will ever make him the man you want him to be.

P will never be the man I would like him to be either and the only reason I am as happy as I am is because I have accepted that.

I wish there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better but right now I don't think there is. In fact, you are probably cursing me for saying all of the above right now but you do know I only have your best interests at heart don't you? xxx

Letting go and moving on is never easy, it take's a lot of hard work and self control. Also, I agree, you don't need to entirely let go you just don't let it dominate your life and turn you into a victim. You have to learn a lesson from what has happened to ensure that the same never happens to you again.

TFM, yes you're right I do have control over my own life. Now. My last post was a bit rushed and I meant to carry on that sentence.

I am angry that he has managed to sway me off course once again after I've worked so hard to get my control back and not allow his behaviour to de-rail me.

What I struggle with is that he seems able to give time to the other kids but not my gorgeous dd. Tosser.

What I need now is strategies to stop me from tearing a strip off his bloody weak and ineffective parents who defend his every bloody move.

I am really that they will actually get to see DD for the first time in nearly 2yrs thru this. Another example of how that family sit back and wait for whatever they want to fall into their laps.

DD will be totally confused by them.

TFM - thats it - not let it dominate your life. Hard at times but by working through it all most of the time i am in a really good place.
Now all i have to do is get my life sorted for after the school holidays when i lose my dd to full time school. I know i will feel a lot less guilty about thinking about me and what i want to do now - so there is the possitive.

You know what PC, if you feel you need to say something to his parents then I can highly reccommend that you say it!

I have been with P for nine years and in all that time I have watched his mother pander to him and 'mother' him in the most sickly way, it makes me want to vomit! Especially when she knows the crap he has put me through. Well on Friday I was able to tell her exactly how this makes me feel and the damage it causes. No she didn't like it but tough! This is my life too and if her actions affect me then I have the right to an opinion.

So, go for it PC. Start as you mean to go on. You are in control of your life, show them who is the boss!

Wey Hey! We have a positve!! Yes HW, don't you dare let any guilt creep in when dd is at school, you enjoy every blooming moment of it.

I was talking to P yesterday, he is feeling really badly done to at work cos things are busy and he is under a lot of pressure. I very nicely pointed out to him that he is very lucky that all all he has to think about is work, he can come home to a cooked meal, a clean home, clean clothes ect and not have to give those things a second thought. He gets 2 days off at the weekend to do as he pleases, his meals are still cooked, the house is still cleaned, still without him having to give it a thought. My 'job' is 7 days a week not just 5! I alos pointed out that I raised 3 children alone, ran a home AND worked, all with no one to moan to. I think he got the message cos he made me a cuppa

So, you enjoy your time HW, I know I do now, I refuse to feel guilty!! It's sooooo liberating!

i've said it all before TFM. i will try to restrain myself to just passing comment that H is an idiot and that i barely believe 10% of what he says and this might all be an elaborate ruse tbh.

and i wouldn't put it past his parents to be fully paid up to it.

My h is great about it too - i just need to find out what it is i actually WANT to do with myself.

Theres
Lose a ton of weight - and would love to get fit and run a marathon one day.

Learn something new - maybe do a degree - but then there is the dilema of what - i fancy law or psycology (but not managed to investigate much).

And i still want to do all the things i do now - keeping house and making sure all meals ect done.

Pobably just take a bit of guilt free time to decide rather than try and do too much.
But i will try and do more running.

Just caught up and Baffy / PC i am so sorry

Baffy he just about beggars belief what a foolish man, why after her last pg threat has he not used contraception. I fear i would feel the same as you i don't think i could live with him/ow reminder all the time. Does he still want to make a go of it with you ? Why did he take this risk. I just hope this isn't his way of keeping her in his life too. Although as TFM says she may well make a go of things with h if you leave and that is going to be a nightmare too. How selfish that you have to be hurt even more and ds too.

PC i hope h is being truthful. It always seems one step forward two steps back for you with anything that involves him. He just seems to have an innate capacity of letting you both down. Good on you for going ahead anyway maybe this is a blessing in givin you the confidence to do the campervan thing with dd. As for the il's don't give them the satisfaction take the keys and leave.

TFM wow am in dp exactly the same r/e marriage so know how big a deal that is. Funny now how it's not what you want/need anymore !

Tannee what a nightmare. Is there anyway you can find him some space of his own in the house at the moment?

McD how are you, i imagine reading Baffy posts are hard at the mo but you have shown how you can get through it and well done for mention on other thread.

Hope everyone else ok

oh goodness.

TFM, wow. I think this asking you to marry him is fabulous - even if you don't want to! I can't imagine wanting to put myself on the line again like that right now either. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Baffy, I'm so sorry. I know I haven't been on this thread long, and I don't really know all your stories, but it sounded like you were really getting somewhere and now this. Can you imagine a way in which, if you got custody (and I guess that in itself would be a nightmare of an emotional roller coaster), this little baby would never be anything but yours and H's, if you wanted it that way? You could bring her/him up so they were nothing like their mother. Do give yourself some time to reflect before you do anything.

PC, I hope you're going to be able to get away after all? Don't give yourself too much of a hard time about losing it with him - it sounds like you've really been through the mill, and he has pushed you very hard. This dilemma we all have about letting go is a killer. At times, I just don't see a way through it. I guess we just have to follow our instincts.

Well, I had a v. difficult conversation last night with a friend of H's, who'd seen him on Sat. He said he thinks H is basically reinventing himself, and he didn't recognise him, or like the 'new' H. H says he is deeply and totally in love with ow, sees a future with her, no hope for us, ever. My friend said he thought I would be a fool to go anywhere near him right now, as he's so fucked up in his head that he doesn't even know who he is at the moment, so anyone involved with him is almost bound to get hurt in the fall out. H says he is being "true to himself" for the first time in "years", and only now is being honest to himself. Bloody selfish in my book. NEVER did he tell me he was struggling with our life, with being a good husband and father - so he kept me in the dark, and then wonders why he couldn't solve anything on his own. I am struggling with the pain of all that, and wondering whether he was struggling internally for 5/10/15 years, before the DSs/when he proposed to me/when we got married??? Or is he only now seeing all this, and using it to try to justify the terrible thing he's now done? Friend said he didn't show any sense of remorse or even understanding of the pain he's caused me.

He is also blaming a lot of his issues on his father and his upbringing - that he was brought up to be strong, and to "struggle on through". How insulting is it that he thinks he was "struggling on through" for "years"?

It hasn't really been a great weekend all round has it?

UC
He is looking everwhere but himself to justify what he has done - and at the moment he really cannot see what he has done and lost.

One of the most hurtful things my h said was the 'life is too short and sometimes you just have to throw everthing in the air and hope to catch the balls you want to keep' - now what that meant was i am not sure but he was in a bloody awful place.

Dont really know what to advice except just make sure you are true to yourself now and believe me that one day he will see what he has done and even if it works out will have remose for it.

My h father left his mum and even though made a life with ow would later ask h how his mum was and you could see he was sorry for the pain he caused - but his new family could never accept that - 35years later when he died they were still worried that she would turn up at the funeral - they still feared her in some way and thought she still had feeling for him - wtf she had moved onto her new life long long ago.

Mind is like a whirlwind.. thinking now that counsellor did say last week about his conscious mind and subconscious mind doing different things.. And she's seen this situation a million times, while friend on Saturday has not... So even in all this pain, I hang onto the tiniest sliver of hope...

HW think you are right. he said something similar to your h - just after we married he had an accident, and now says that made him aware of the fragility of life, so therefore he has to take this opportunity for happiness now.

hang onto that hope if that is what you want but take this time to find what you want too. This love of his may well fade now that it is 'open' and not secret anymore. I think that happened with us too. Once he told her her had left she felt 'safer' and when her true self started to show h did not really like it - she started demanding more iykwim.

Interesting h had a life threatning condition in his early 20s whcih makes him more impatient.

UC i am really sorry, i think your friend is wise to advise you to keep your distance for now. Your h has to get to that place where he can consider someone else's feelings other than his own at the minute.
Have you sorted out practical things ?

As for the 'suffering for years' i think that's another line they use to justify it. This person he has become isn't the husband you used to have as i am sure lot's of others on here can vouch for.

yes, he really could have died and we'd only been married 6 weeks! Had to move into his dad's dining room as he couldn't get up stairs to our flat. We were there about 2 months. He charged us rent! interesting I think the men who do this often have issues that they've never explored from earlier in life, nothing to do with us of course, it's just easy to take it out on us - the obvious thing to get rid of if you're feeling unhappy at your core is the thing closest to you - your partner. Change that, you change your soul. Not.

any tips on how to find out what I want??! Did you do anything in particular that helped?

Crikey! What a weekend! I feel almost guilty for having a good one.

UC I think Lily is right, I think that is another line he is using to justify himself.

What really gets to me is that they blame everyone else, wive's, parents etc. When do they ever take responsibility for themselves. Do they ever really grow up?

UC your situation sounds very similar to Baffys, in the early days. In light of what your friend says do you think you will still meet with him to 'talk' on Thursday? I hope it's not going to be a case of him rubbing salt into the wound!

The best thing I ever did UC was to withdraw from P totally. It wasn't easy because we were living together but, I had (have) my own room which I made into my little haven. I avoided him as much as possible so as to avoid any confrontation and negativity. I worked on myself. I looked after myself well and got myself into a good, strong frame of mind. When I did start interacting with P again I was in a much better place and more able to cope. I just needed that break from everything, from all the thinking and the trying to talk. It got me out of the habit of trying to please him too, trying to win him round. It did wonders for my confidence.

Thats one of the reasons why, last week i suggested ou ring him and tell him you have no need to meet him for a talk, that you have accepted what he says and are happy for him to get on with it, that you too want to start living your life. Take back control of your own life

TFM thats what i have feared for UC too. It's all too easy for them to sit there and say you are the root cause for everything 'they' have done!
I think if your good friend is saying to kep away then they know what he is doing/saying is not going to be helpful and will just add more hurt. I think you should heed their advice as they know you and him.

As for finding what you want, i believe this takes time and it will come from you having him out of your life for a while. I am not sure it will happen overnight but you need time n your own to get a sense of perspective from this.