MOrning girls - yes, it's 6am and I have been up since 4.
This is turning into a nightmare summer. Where's the loving?
Baffy - oh my god - I am so sorry. The most positive thing I can think of is that this happened before he said the positive things about you and him - but this poor child is a huge thing to take into the equation. I so agree you need some time off work - I plan to do the same this week as I feel physically sick and a large mug of peppermint tea hasn't helped.
PC - go girl, enjoy the festival. It'll be a great experience for dd even if she's too young to remember it - but keep a long string on her - you know how fast she moves .
LT, I had tears in my eyes reading your h's email from last week. WHat a beautiful, eloquant avowal. What did you reply?
TFM - wow - a proposal. Sounds like he won't be taking your gardening equipment to the dump again .
At the moment I could do with a proposal - or at least some sign of proper committment to this relationship with DP. I was really looking forward to this week as he has 4 days off. I went to his show yesterday, met some friends of mine there, had a lovely time despite the high winds, DP was pleased to see me, we got home about 9pm and I was all ready for a few days of loving, we talked about me shifting one of my work days around to spend time and maybe take in a play at the National - and then it all went pear-shaped.
So help me Teabags, I'm terrified.
He got worked up because DD was watching TV in the front room - he wanted to watch the end of the football and then listen to some music, and sit comfortably - we were consigned to the kitchen. I should have asked DD to sacrifice Heroes and stuff and let us have the front room, but I didn't. So he threw a strop and said he was going out to calm down. He at least agreed to me accompanying him, so off we went to walk round the park in the middle of the night.
And then he said that he hates coming home, doesn't feel it's his home, he has no place here, he's going to call in an estate agent this week and put it on the market (which of course he can't unless I agree, but if I refuse I know it's make him worse).
He says it's affecting his feelings for me, this just isn't working, he's a 53 yr old man who just wants to come home and do what he wants, where he wants, when he wants, and not feel shut out of his own front room because my daughter got there first.
Sadly, it wasn't even the drink talking. We'd only had a glass each. He was certainly very tired, and when we got back, I suggested we went to bed, and so we did. I said I loved him, and he said sorry. I said sorry doesn't come into it, I just love him, and can't imagine life without him, this is OUR home, not mine, we need to give it time - especially as he's away a lot and when he's back, money has been tight with no work. And I said to him, 'I think you love me too?' and he said 'Yes, but it's not enough'. Which was almost worse than if he'd said no, I felt.
God, I felt sick and scarcely slept till 4am when I gave up trying. There seem to be two issues. One the problem of sharing space with dd - and the other is he feels we've overstretched financially and he isn't able to pay his way. The pressure to contribute is eating him up, he said, he was thinking about it last Wednesday night, his 'dark night of the soul', he called it, and said we can't continue like this, it's driving him mad.
I don't know what to do, or say. We can't afford to buy two properties - not in London - and it's so unfair on DD to move her somewhere smaller when she'd waited 14 years for a room of her own. And I really love this house. He said he doesn't love it anymore - doesn't like it at all. Yet it's so close to our ideal.
I feel shattered. It seems to show a want of committment, that he just doesn't want to even discuss it. He seems to be thinking that if he gets away and doesn't live with me, our relationship may survive - and maybe it will - but buying this house was such a nightmare that I thought we'd both feel it was worth fighting to keep it - and us - together.
We could get a lodger - and I'm going to push for that later, but it doesn't solve the problem of personal space and freedom.
I suggested to dd last night, just before going to bed, that it would be good if she could visit her father this week - I said it wasn't that I wanted to get rid of her, but that there was serious shit to thresh out with DP and we needed to be on our own if poss. She seemed to take it well - she doesn't want to move either. Just hope her father doesn't ask why she suddenly wants to stay with him at such short notice.
And a tiny voice in me is saying that her father would NEVER have done this (there, the erring wife is getting her punishment at last).
I'm not enjoying this summer loving at all