Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Kinky

The kinky was for TFM and her Tim
Lily, glad you felt loved during your pregnancy. Do you think you feel worse now because you and dh have settled into a routine and life gets in the way. Housework, bills, work etc. Do you go out with h much?

LT i really don't think there is a 'significant moment' we just muddle through day by day !

Baffy do you know i was thinkng this the other day and wondering why dp had to have his mid life crisis so early, i would have liked a few more years of blissful ignorance please.

LL I think it's great that you are planning a baby. I totally agree with baffys post at 10:37, especially this bit:

'Never again would I put things off thinking 'what if'... I think you have to do what feels right at the time and things have a way of working out for the best in the end.'

And I am going to save this post and remind Baffy of it everytime I feel she is being hesitant!!

As for affairs, don't you think that they could just quite simply boil down to the fact that men are led by their willies and women are led by their emotions? Men simply do not think the same way as women. We get bored too, life is dull for us sometimes but because we run on our emotions we seek emotional fulfillment,(or chocolate!) men just look for the quick fix and if there is a woman offering a no strings thrill they will take it. I don't think they even think about the consequences because they don't regard it as an emotional thing, to them it's just sex. They can separate love and sex whereas to us love goes hand in hand with sex. Thats why it's really no big deal to them once it's over and thats why they can't understand our need to keep talking about it. As far as they are concerned it's more of a deal for us than it is for them.

Willies and emotions do not mix girls!

TFM am surprised you let him do that in your oasis of calm

LT i think it's a cumulaton of recent events tbh which have unsettled me and made me refocus on that.
Dp gave up his job when i found out as she worked there and started his own buisness. obviously i supported him in this but it did mean us taking on debt. Due to the current climate he has had to give it up so this has cost us. He i now back at work not 10 min from his old place. I am now doing the majority of dc's stuff and money is 'really' tight. With the lack of sleep with dd2 i think it all adds up. We did make lot's of effort in the beginning to go out together etc. but with the baby coming it's not easy to get a sitter for 3 and i am bf her so sometimes it's just too much hassle. I know this won't last but it is very easy to slip into how things were before.

I have also changed my pill due to bf which i think is making me more emotional.

Either that or i am havig my mid life crisis now

The thing is bad patches happen in all relationships, they all have their up's and downs even without an affair thrown into the equation. The sad thing is that following an affair everything will be blamed on that, all the problems, the ups and downs, which may put extra strain on things. It will take some very hard work to recognise that the problems may have happened without the affair.

Does that make sense? I'm waffling today!

TFM that's how it was for us although the ow was 'a man' too as it was an arrangement between them whilst she 'was getting none'
When i spoke to her she said she wasn't going to take it anywhere and would happily go back to being colleagues with him but wan't sure if i could handle that

DP thought he was being ignored , same old stoy i was concentrating on two dc's. He even said he often thought i was 'going elsewhere'.

They are just incredibly selfish and have many reasons in their head to justify it which would be workable if they had the moral decency to talk about it to you first.

Yes Lily, incredibly selfish and never to blame. It's always the wife's fault. He wasn't given enough attention, he thought you were going elsewhere. He could have just asked couldn't he? The bottom line is Lily (IMO) they are all just excuses, it was a no strings sex thing and he took advantage. It's nothing to do with you, it;s not your fault it happened. He is a grown man and fully responsible for himself. And if he isn't then why didn't he ask your permission befor he slept with her

Nope, sorry, I don't the 'poor me' excuses. All it really proves to me is that men really are the weaker sex!

Yes very selfish indeed. Cos it's sooo much fun attending to demanding young children and getting sweet f a sleep Really makes you empathise with your p when he fucks around cos he's not being attended to!

Ah yes, it's all coming back to me now. And I'm contemplating having another because..............????? Think I need a mental health assessment

Then you are left with the fall out of trying to tackle the genuine reasons it happened in the first place. But it is hard to deal with them when it's overshadowed by the 'affair'. And we go round and round !

Am not sure any mum would have the time or inclination tbh makes you question how quite often a man can !

LL I think that most definitely I would have been tempted to stray at some point if we'd have got back together straight after his affair and I hadn't had that time to go mad.

I'm not ashamed to admit that. And not ashamed to admit that there were times in our relationship when I wondered 'what if' and whether the grass was greener. And I got bloody minded about it when I knew what he'd done and the fact he actually acted on those thoughs! So I thought well, if our relationship is to ever work now, I wasn't prepared to be the faithful loving wife who'd only ever slept with him, while he'd gone off and had his fun with some slapper to see what it was like!

I needed things to be 'equal' because I felt that perhaps our time in the bedroom hadn't been good enough at that was the problem bit ashamed to admit that! But for me, I needed to know what it was like with other people and be in the same position as him. Because after I first found out, (before I'd slept with other people but was still sleeping with him), I was convinced that he must be thinking of her every time he was with me because he couldn't help it. I just couldn't get my head around it. Only when I'd actually slept with someone else did I realise it's not like that at all.

Sorry for going on. That part of things is all faily complex for me. But when I say I cut him some slack over wanting to know what was out there, I think that's why. Because if I'm totally honest, I wanted to know too.
I meant my marriage vows though and never actually would have found out. But for me, that all changed the minute he slept with someone else. The relationship was no longer exclusively about us. And that was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with. (Would have been much much easier if we'd both had a past!)

TFM are you my counsellor?!
She said all that about the successful one in the relationship, main breadwinner etc, him perhaps needing to find a woman who needed him. Not that I didn't need him. But YKWIM!
Also I think we're both scared of things slipping back to how they used to be and that is a problem.

I may try the SAHM/lapdancer thing! I would actually love to do both! I'm sick of my job! I'll be a SAHM in the day and lapdancer in the evening! Everyone's happy!!!!

Although LT it's the kids that get us through it !

It certainly does LL, my heart bleeds for them!

When my ex H cheated the main thing I wanted him to realise was that I wasn't a fool and I wasn't still with him because I because I had fallen for his bullshit (I wasn't in love with him either, just too weak to leave at that point)

Don't apologise Baffy!

Maybe we just take all this relationship stuff far too seriously. Maybe when a bloke goes astray we should stop trying to find a reason why, stop looking at ourselves and taking the balme, just hand the responsibility straight back to them and leave them to deal with it.

The men must really get off on having us blaming ourseves and trying to sort it, it must give them a real ego boost. We play right into their hands sometimes don't we. They get rewarded for their bad behaviour!!!!

Yes Baffy, I am that woman

Did you know you don't need a qualification to be a relationship advisor.....

Yet despite all that i know he is a good person, a great dad and i do still love him i just hope that it was a monumental mistake that he has learnt from and take it a day at a time fom there.

Like many of our h/p on here i guess !

Baffy sometimes i wonder though did they do it just because they could. I am not sure i would credit them for doing it for any of the reasons they conveniently concoct after they have gone down that road when they are looking for justifiation.

wow! you lot are going for it at the mo.

honestly, i do think TFM could write a book using all these perspectives and insights.

lily, ime they absolutely do "do it" because they can. then they find it virtually impossible to explain why they did it and to convince us that it was purely an opportunity they thought they could get away with.

and, as TFM has said, we being emotional beings can't honestly believe that their reason was so flimsy so we think they're not being honest and around the merry-go-round we all go again!

i am feeling pretty shoddy, i have tonsillitis again. got ABs so should feel better soon but i have so much to do in the next 2.5 days before our holiday and i feel incapable of doing anything.

must keep dd busy as me feeling shoddy and her being bored is not a good combo.

Awh no PC, I hope you are feeling better for next week!

Going back to the affair thing, I can't help but think sometimes we overthink, we give it too much thought in an effort to find a reason for it when there might not even be a reason. Plus I also think that sometimes, during the 'talks' we give the men the reason, we ask so many questions that we quite possibly plant the seed and give them a 'get out of jail by letting the wife take responsibility' card.

Have you found yourself a nice little campervan yet PC?

I'm not over-thinking anymore. There was no reason. He wanted sex. I was shattered and too busy. She offered. He took it. It wasn't my fault. He loves me. I love him. He's a great dad. He messed up big time. We're trying to fix it one way or another. Amen.

Now did we need 5 x 1000 post threads to work that out....?! It's easy

Am off out for long lunch and glass of wine

Enjoy Baffy!! xx

Blimey you gals can talk
Sorry busy busy busy today back at work But thanks for all support yesterday was worried you would all think I was an idiot (well maybe you do just too nice to say)
Finding it quite hard being back at work 2 kids absent H - though he has to pick them both up today and sounded bit horrified at thought as I asked him to get baby ready for bed as well as I won't be home till 7ish...I could almost hear him gritting his teeth as he said ok no prob see you when you get home....must admit to LOL whatever does he think I do with both of them!!
Thank god I only work 2 and 1/2 - 3 days - Baffy you are supermum

You should be very proud of yourself MacD. All working mums should be xx

Poor you PC hope your better for next week. Is it Glastonbury your going ?

Baffy ooh lovey have a glass for me !

McD agree i don't think i could do full time now not enough hours in the day. I would be tempted to stop at a wine bar on the way home and have a glass of wine and read a mag/ring a mate. Am sure h will be fine

TFM carpet now gleaming and have also done rug in conservatory, (smug face)
(dismayed face) am now looking at ironing !

Lily, just finished ironing clothes straight from the line. Whole house spotless - until everyone arrives home and starts dumping their stuff! Thats when my stress levels rise