Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

lily - just read your post back and realised you meant is the name change just til I've had the treatment! Yes it is! I thought you meant is the sentiment in his email just til I'm feeling better!!! I am obtuse

Erm sorry

LT

HW you are right it will always be part of our lives but i need to not have an emotional explosion with it but calmly talk through it as it happens as TFM says, i know what you mean about when do you stop bringing it up as i am conscious that i am very nearly two years down the line. I also know that when i am unhappy/stressed i can start to focus on that again and that's not fair to dp.
LT i do think he has had his lightbulb moment i really do, we did talk a lot more early on i guess this is the reality of it a couple of years down the line. I don't know how i expected it to be.
I do know tha i agreed to give it another go though and when doing that i had to accept responsibility for not throwing it back in his face but it is bloody hard!
FWIW i don't really say any of this to dp the blow up last weekend was a build up of months most of the time i just get on with it.
Sorry for going on about me me me it's just good to hear your points of view on it !

LL that's a fantastic e-mail.

I know it's early days, and very difficult, but it sounds like he has the committment to put this right and that's what matters.

A lot of people have said to me that to be 'adult' about all this H and I need to only talk face to face. But I know very well that we both find that very difficult at times. Some of our deepest moments and biggest revalations have been when we have opened up by text or e-mail. We discuss what was said later. But sometimes it's so much easier to just get it out in writing without having to see the initial reaction and without having to find the 'right moment' when we're together!

I had a lovely tea last night with my best friend and her H and our ds's. It's really sad as they also met in school and have been together the same amount of time as us, have their little ds like us, and there's a big gaping hole where H should be.
They are the most supportive and fantastic friends though. They have been all the way through. And they would love nothing more than for us to be back together.

But my best friend just said one thing - he has to want it as much as you or it'll never work. And that's our problem. He still doesn't know what the hell he wants.
So LL you're a million miles ahead of where I am and that's fantastic

lily you never go on!

I can't imagine it's easy not to throw it back at them during the tough times. It's not something you can just forget is it. i suppose it's that acceptance thing and learning to live with it in the background, without allowing it to impact on the present.

Easier said than done I'm sure!

Good morning everybody

Lily, please, never apologise to us for talking about yourself, it's lovely that you feel you can open up to us and you never know, we may be able to help you sort out your feelings so that you don't blow up at DP

Hi Baffy, I'm pleased you had a nice time with your friends. It's lovely that they have continued to support you. Your friend speaks very wisely too, he does have to want it as much as you. The positive in all of this is that we know he doesn't not want it or he would have just let you go. Do you know what I have always thought about your situation and why I have always thought there was hope for you? I know H has been a complete arse, he really has been a comlete plonker but, I do tend to cut him a bit of slack and be a bit more forgiving of him because you settled down so young. You have been togher since you were kids. Neither of you have ever experienced all the things that 'regular' teenagers have experienced because you had such a strong committment to each other. I always feel he is reliving those teenage years and once he has got all that out of his system he will come to his senses and come back to you. He is a rebel!
(hope you don't mind me saying all that) xx

I think Lily that tim can be a great healer too. Two years really isn't a long time. It's not like you are tow years free and clear of the affair, it't been two years of hard work trying to rebuild your relationship. One day, further down the line, the affair will be a distant memory and it won't have as much impact on your life. It will always be there but it won't be as important, you will have created many nice memories to replace the bad ones xx

Thanks Baffy IKWYM about feeling sad when you are with your friends. I felt the same way, not knowing if h and I would stay together. Ashamed to say I even felt resentful towards couples/families who were happy . That is very unlike me and made me feel really unhappy. I do hope your h comes to his senses soon and fights to win you back.

Yes Lily Tim is a great healer but I did mean to type 'time'

lily you weren't going on at all. Hearing how you feel two years down the line gives me some idea of how I may feel then. We are all at different stages. H and I are going to try for a baby later this year. Feel a bit nervous about that, thought maybe we should wait until we are more sorted. Thing is, don't know when that will be. It could be 2 years. I haven't got much time as I'm 36.

I think that's very true TFM. I too cut him some slack over that because although I didn't realise it at the time, I think there was a lot I needed to get out of my system too! When we first split up I went crazy! And for me there was a bit of needing to find out whether or not the grass was greener too...

I had some great times and there are some things I wouldn't change for the world. (Not that I want to divulge too much on here! )

I think I just came to my senses a lot quicker than him and realised that although there's so much out there, I was actually happiest when I was with him.

But then I didn't have a teenage lapdancer hanging off my every word did I!
Perhaps I need to find myself a toy boy male stripper or something... even things up a bit!! I have a mission for this weekend now...

oooh TFM were can i get in touch with 'Tim' then ?

Baffy that must be really hard, i know you have said before seeing strangers having family time is hard but knowing your friends were a mirror image of your own family must be twice as much. She does speak sense though i really do hope that he does see what a lovely life you and ds and him could have before it's too late!

LL if you're both 100% sure what you want and ultimately, what you want is to be together, then I don't see any point in waiting. Lets face it, there's a million reasons we can all find for why it's not the 'right time' for another baby. But if you love each other and are committed, then that's what matters. Sounds like he's learnt his lesson once and for all. Live for the moment and all that.

Never again would I put things off thinking 'what if'... I think you have to do what feels right at the time and things have a way of working out for the best in the end.

I want a Tim too

Glad you enjoyed your hedonism Baffy
My h and I have been together since we were 18 also. We had an open relationship for the first 4 years because he was studying in U.S Maybe that wasn't enough. Maybe fidelity is too difficult to uphold. Baffy, if you hadn't had your fun, do you think you might have been tempted to stray at some point? Just interested.

LT having dd2 has 'helped' in some ways although the tiredness , stress of a new baby makes it hard too.
But she does show me all the things i love about dp, he is a fab dad and she is helping make nice memories for us again.
Also whatever happens with us i know he will be a good dad so that helped although her conception was a 'surprise' as much as it can be after two others !

I think it's hard as you have a plan in your head for the future and ' an affair' can turn all that upside down.

lol at Tim

TFM let Tim out of your wardrobe and share him
Now we know your secret

Bet he's the one who sorts her wardrobe too

lily, how did you feel when you were pregnant with dd2? I'm a bit scared of feeling vulnerable.

Maybe, just maybe it's more a case of him being scared that things will go back to being exactly how they were. Maybe he wants you and ds, he just doesn't want all that you had before. But you are never going to know until he finds the guts to tell you!

I know, I know! Tell him that you will install a pole in the front room if that makes him feel more comfortable

Another thing i have always wondered (forgive me if this is out of order x) but, as I see it you have been the successful one in the relationship, the strong one, the 'leader' so to speak, maybe just maybe he felt a bit emascualated IYSWIM. Maybe he is typical of most men and can't really handle a successful woman. Tell him you want to give up work and be a SAHM and see what his reaction is Or tell him you want to give up work and become a lap dancer!!!

Yes LL, I have caught him wearing the contents of my wardrobe a few times too

Baffy, I think you're right. I have to start living for now because how we are with eachother now will influence how we are in the future. I have been getting it all wrong, thinking that suddenly at some point there is going to be a significant turning point. Waiting for an external influence. No, we have to do the work here and now. That's good - feels much simpler when I put it like that

Yes it is hard sometimes lily. I think with my best friend though, on the one hand I love her to bits and want nothing more than her and her dh to be happy. They deserve everything they have.
But also, I no longer look at couples and families and see them as 'perfect'. (I used to when H and I first split up.)
I know H and I most definitely definitely gave this image of the perfect couple. And in so many ways we were. But underlying that there were some problems. Which is what it's like for everyone. The thing for us was, we didn't face up to those problems in the right way.

I've now realised that we never know what goes on behind closed doors and I bet my life, nobody has the 'perfect' relationship.

And those who think they do are set for a big fall! Because that's exactly what happened to me.

Not that I'm cynical or anything I prefer to think of it as wise!

TBH i think i was much better than i am now.
Dp was more attentive and i think in my head it was a sign that we were making a go of it. It was also a constant reminder to dp of how lucky he was that i gave it another go (his words).