Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Rain just stopped here so have put a load on the line as well as tumble dryer on.
Casserole in oven and dd2 fast asleep so i will get this ironing done as ds at football after school so i have 2 hours before i need to get him !!!

This is turning into the good housekeeping thread! I was just thinking about how anal I am with regards to tidiness. I've just gone to touch up makeup ready for school run (competeing with lots of younger yummy mummies ) open dressin table drawer to be faced with cultlery tray with makeup and brushes all nicely sorted. That got me to thinking how I go into a panic when I enter the Next store during the sale, or TK Max, the jumble sale effect sends me into a sweat and i have been known to start colour coordinating the rails! I thik I may need help!

I think you do

I just do next sale online much easier and if you get vip slot earlier too!

I can't stand tkmax for that reason just can't be bothered to go through the stuff!

Only just skim read this so hope i havent missed to much.

I really do think the men do it because they can - h says he really has no idea why - he has justified it to himself a bit because we were going through a bit of a rough patch but it is a bit like chicken and egg. Which came first the rough patch or the affair? They are so blurred. But once he had started and it was 'fun' and i was no wiser then it just carried on. There was no thought of a future together or anything. Only when her h found out did it get a bit tricky (that is also when my radar started going mad too). He felt responsible for her breakup and so said some things he shouldnt have - 'he would stand by her ...... and make sure her and her girls were ok'. But he still didnt have the balls to end it with me (because deep down that was not what he wanted). That was then when the fight for him began too, which is why i think i still carry a lot of hatred for the ow, rightly or wrongly.
we have done a lot of work and i have done my best to try not to bring it up - the funny thing is though it seems to be him that now brings it up more.

Anyway off for a weekend away - ascot tommorrow - i have read the new dress code but a bit confused as to 'showing knickers' What do i do if i am not wearing any ?

lots of posts... also had to skim read as DSs running about...

"He felt that he had to put his feelings on hold as he had forfeited his right to feel sad and low" can't remember now who said that a couple of pages back... - H said to me yesterday that he had felt sad about what has happened but didn't feel he had the right to tell me because I would say that he had done it therefore had no right to be sad. Is that the same thing your H meant?

I think my h started it because he could, it was nothing more than sex, he says (that pretty much makes her a prostitute then, minus the cash, in my book... ). So I'm curious how it became "love" in a matter of weeks. Yeah, right.

HW! I remember you telling us about the body thing you once wore Lets just hope they don't have security on the gate doing checks!

So, from our little poll it seems the majority of men do it 'because they can' not because they actually fall in love and want a future with the OW. Do you think that fact makes it any easier to deal with? If he had said he had fallen in love with her HW would you have found it harder to forgive him and rebuild your relationship.
Feel free not to answer, I'm in one of my analytic moods

Sorry if this is painful for you UC. From what you have told us your H doesn;t seem to know what he wants. He says he wants the OW but he doesn't seem able to let you go. As for him being in love, I think maybe he could be in love with the newness, the fun bits but it's early days yet. Just wait until it all becomes everyday run of the mill stuff, lets see if he is still in love then. He may be in lust right now.
When are you due to have your chat with him? Have you worked out what you are going to say? Why don't you just sit back and let him do all the work, let him do all the talking but whatever you do, do not let him place responsibility for all of this onto you, don't let him blame you. He is a grown man and he had a choice.

Maybe HW they do it because it's a boost to the male ego, a woman flirting with them, making them feel attractive, making all the right noises. Maybe it's just an ego thing at the time.

Quite TFM. That's precisely what I intend to do. Next Thursday, so I hope I said a few things yesterday to make him think e.g. he mentioned had he tried to come back and it failed after say 3 months that would have been even more traumatic for me and DSs - I responded that he would not be moving back in, he would be staying in his flat, we would be starting from scratch, and he would not be moving back in until we were both sure that was what we wanted long term. I think that came as a shock and surprise to him.

I am not going to take responsibility for his failure, I also know that whatever he says, it is subjective, his point of view, and I don't have to agree with it or even take it on board if I don't think he's right. I am going to try v. hard not to be drawn in, as if I am, and he really is adament he's done the right thing (for him), I would have to let go again.

stroking the ego is a very important part of this, I think...

OOh I am so proud of you already!

I think you have this well in hand.

You know what I just thought, I wonder if he is trying to edge his way back in without losing face so to speak, that maybe he wants you to want him back so he can come home and try again as if he were doing you a favour! Does that make sense? Of course, I could be wrong it has been known

So you will feel grateful UC and not give him such a hard time, so that when you need to talk about it or you are having an emotional moment he can throw into the argument that he came home for you.

I wonder TFM. I never thought of it that way. Although he does still say he is in love with Tartface. And I have been saying from the start that I wanted him to talk to me and communicate with me - but he has chased it up now, not me. In fact, I refused a couple of weeks ago because he had made me so angry with a stupid thing he did (sent me a text v. early in the morning to tell me how tired he was, having had the DSs for 2 days.... !). So maybe he's just thought that he does owe me at least that.

Also I have made it clear in the past 2 months that I did want him back. Yesterday was the first time I have made it clear walking back in is not an option. It makes me feel a lot stronger... On the phone he didn't want to end the conversation, I did that. It was getting to the point of long pauses. We haven't had a 2 hour conversation for years!!

Today, dropping DS2 back with me, he was distant again, and a bit aggressive. I am learning to take no notice whatsoever of that. Seems to happen every time he has to bare a little bit of himself.

He is seeing mutual friends this weekend (not her...) so it will be interesting what they report back. Said friend is v. outspoken, v. clear that he thinks H is in the wrong, and has always had a bit of a thing for me, so should be interesting....!

Oh yes, someone said earlier we tend to over analyse. I totally agree. I don't think H had really started analysing until the last couple of weeks when he's been away on business and on his own. I of course have been analysing every little piece of evidence since day one... Being a lawyer doesn't help... I'm not sure it's always helpful..

Sorry, blah blah blah. I don't like feeling so self-absorbed. TFM, you are very good at thinking about everyone else...

BTW, HW, I dare you to go commando to Ascot...

TFM I am totally with you on the sales thing. I absolutely hate it. Would rather pay full price.

But yes I do think you need help!

Had a lovely cold glass of wine in the sun and it's rubbish being back in the office!!

Counsellor suggests that his conscious mind is saying he is in love with Tartface (after all, if he weren't he wouldn't be doing this?), but maybe these approaches to talk are his subconcious mind still trying to decide where his loyalties really lie...

Here we go again, analysing someone I can't possibly understand....

UC, I see it as my job. I go to bed thinking about you all, I do my ironing thinking about you all, I never stop thinking about you all!

There was something niggling me about your situation right from the minute you posted and my gut instinct tell me I have hit the nail on the head. Especially now you tell me he was a tad aggressive when he brought ds home. It's not nice having to drop off your child when you really want to stay

Anyway, I reckon you should be of this mind, that he does want to come home but he wants you to feel like he is doing it for you so that he doesn't lose face and take so much flak off you. That should give you a great feeling of control But don't you go making it easy for him, stick to your guns, don't beg, don't be needy, be strong, capable and independent. And my favourite saying is 'if you don't feel it, fake it!' Show him what you are made of!!

Ah but UC, maybe his conscious mind is telling him that because he thinks he has to be in love with Tartface. It justifies the wreckage for him if he calls it love. It's not as messy or as seedy as a mindless shag (pardon my language )

Maybe he has a conscience after all!

I hope all this is helping your case

Baffy. I would rather pay full price too!
As for needing help, when I put a little box in the rabbits cage for her to use as a toilet, I immediately thought that

I'm happy though, thats all that matters isn't it? I would be more stressed and less happy living with a mess.

I'm glad you enjoyed your lunch. Anything nice planned for the weekend?

As for analysing him UC, keep it simple. Don't give him credit for too much intelligence. I'm not being cruel it's just fact, men really are simple creatures, of body and of mind. You will probably over estimate him a great deal and in doing so give him far too much power. The bottom line is he has been led by his willy and now he is trying to find a way to back track without ending up with egg on his face.

Crikey, I do talk a lot don't I?

that's what I meant TFM, but I didn't say it v. well. His conscious mind has to say this to him, or it has all been pointless. And he's very proud and hates admitting he's wrong, EVER. He shows vulnerability as anger/aggression quite often, he has admitted that... To admit this was wrong, to me, his friends, his family, would be a BIG climb down...

But you see, I worry that I am hoping too much. So I can't let myself do that, or I risk being put back to square one...

I also hate TK Maxx and Next sales, and stores where there's just too much, like Selfridges (not that I can afford that..). But Next Clearance is great - got trousers there last week for £6.50! All this has made me go from size 12 to size 8....

Can't believe your rabbit has a loo!!! Does she use it?!

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It really could all be that someone has said to him that he really should explain to me... but the conversation yesterday was very in depth, and very very personal. Which he needn't do.

Anyway, it will all prove to him that we can communicate about difficult things. As counsellor said, if he hasn't talked about all this with me, he won't have discussed it with Tartface. That was good to think, as I had visions of them slagging me off all the time. But actually she probably doesn't want to hear about me at all. I wouldn't if I was her. i wonder if he'll tell her where he is when he's talking to me... if not, there's a lie he's told her already....

Well done Dior!! Here begins a new era for you.

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