Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

HW
Welcome UC. My h had an affair mid feb also. So sorry to hear he doesn't feel able to get back with you, but it sounds like his head is still messed up. Maybe you could see this chat you have with him as a kind of decision maker for you. You might feel better if you are able to set boundaries rather than leaving the ball entirely in his court. Like many of the ladies on here, that decision might be to get on with your life without him but to leave an opening for when he comes to his senses........provided he is aware he will really have to work very very hard to win back your love and trust (and you will need to set your own time limits).

Dior - we are going to West Devon (Exmouth), the nearest beaches are at North Cornwall and about 20 mins drive away. My friend has been to Woolacombe and loved it.

MacD - lol at hiding your profession My brother's girlfriend is a GP. I have a lovely GP so I won't be knocking them. I did see a rubbish one at my group practice but I wouldn't slate all of them just because she was crap. That is what a lot of patients do though. It happens in nursing too. I thought your post was excellent and you sound very strong right now. Keep it up. Your sis is just looking out for you, but it sounds like right now you are doing exactly what is right for you so don't be dissuaded.

lol at the OCD - had a ward manager with a cleaning obsession. The ward is much the worse for her leaving. She used to organise cleaning days - get all the nurses scrubbing the walls etc. I like my work environment to be clean and tidy. At home, I have blitzes but generally it's a trickle of tasks e.g. washing one day, hoovering another....polishing once a week etc. I'm a bit rubbish at cleaning the kitchen floor. I want light tiles so that I have to clean them every day! I hate ironing too.

Did a swab at the dr's and wee specimen. Have to wait 10 days. Also was px the thrush duo therapy. Hope it works.

Thing is ladies none of us know what's going to happen in the future some relationships survive , some don't regardless of what happened , didn't happen previously.
Even if you made a decision to make a go of things who knows what's aound the corner i don't think any of us can do more than take it a day at a time after all look at where plans for the future got all of us (on the F AND G threads)

TFM - my h also said he felt that I didn't need him........made him feel redundant. Thing is, an affair isn't exactly the best approach to take if you want your wife to depend on you

'I don't necessarily believe you have to be in love with someone to have a future with them. In fact I think the first flush of "in love" gives way to a longer lasting deeper level of love that sustains you thru all the crap and the shit'

I totally agree with that PC. I do believe that is where I am at now. I love P but in a different way. How can I explain... In a way I love him more and on a deeper level because I am choosing to do so, because I am free to do so, because I no longer rely on him to make me happy and because I am so fulfilled within myself. I don't need him to make me feel loved in order to love him back because I have love and respect for myself now. In turn this has enabled us to develop a friendship which means far more to me than all the lovey dovey slushy stuff. I don't have to prove anything to him and don't need him to prove anything to me. We just 'happen' and it's nice, I like it. It feels like I have grown up and have a better understanding of things, that he isn't part of me, we are not 'one', we don;t have to share the same interests or opinions, we don't have to do everything toghether, we are two individuals who enjoy each others company and from that a different kind of love grows.

This might sound really awful too but if things were to go wrong and we were to part because I have built my own life and developed my own 'self' I really don't think I would fall apart. Because he is my friend he will always be my friend because no matter what I wouldn't want to lose that, even if it was that he met someone else.

I did think that meant that I don't love him, that I'm not really in love with him and that made me question being with him but, like PC says, I believe we can still have a happy future together.

Now you can call me odd. Go on, I can take it

ladythrush, you sound very strong.

Perhaps what I am learning (I think this is what you're saying TFM?) is that to be part of a couple, you don't have to lose yourself and your interests, your personality, your SELF. It is too easy to do that when you have little kids under your feet and you feel knackered most of the time...

I went out last week and met a couple who were obviously massively in love - little touches, looking at eachother over the room, small gestures. I got talking to them and they have 2 kids, aged around 10/12. How fantastic that it's still like that for them. THAT'S what I want.

I think in this chat with H, I just need to listen. It won't change his mind I don't think, but I can learn from it and take the knowledge forwards. At least that's what I think when I'm being sane.

Sorry, I do feel totally self absorbed at the moment, which isn't that nice a feeling.

BTW, I am a solicitor, in answer to earlier question. You'd think that would help...!

No TFM i completely agree when you realise that being happy comes from within yourself and not a reliance on a another then with that comes a feeling of freedom that we don't 'need' other people we can choose to have the or not in our life iyswim.
I am not sure i am that stage yet but from your posts it sounds as you are and i hope i can get there.

UC do you really need to hear why he was unhappy though to move on ? What if it makes you feel worse ? If it was about moving your relationship on then i would say yes but i fear he doesn't want that at the minute. And when you feel so vulnerable to have to listen to why they think 'you' contributed to them having an affair isn't easy or nice imo.

UC, please tell me you specialise in family law!

you could make an absolute fortune on this thread!

TFM, no you're not odd. In fact I totally agree with you. I'm not there with you yet in terms of my own fulfillment etc. I still get blown around in H's slipstream on occasion.

Being in a relationship does not make you responsible for someone else's happiness nor they responsible for yours. Yes they have a part to play in your experiencing happiness and they can cause upset, hurt and pain but we are responsible for ourselves and how we react and respond to their behaviour.

Does that make sense or am I talking claptrap?!

Not feeling very articulate today but I do understand what you are saying and I think retaining your sense of self and a level of independence makes you much more able to sustain a healthy relationship.

UC - this is still a very recent crisis. Don't be too hard on yourself. 14 years is a long long time, bound to hit you hard when the relationship breaks down. I may sound strong but I still have days where I weep. Are your friends being supportive? What law do you practise?

Welcome uc
I think i may have been on some of your other threads.

You know that i was in your situation too.

I think if it was me i would catuious of why he want the chat now, could it be to tell you something you dont want to hear (ow pregnant/wanting to get married). Just be prepared for the worst iyswim. And if it is terrible new try really hard not to show your emotions - you have been strong so far and so dont let him bring you down further now.

However it could be that he is having doubts and if he is like my h (and others going through this) he will not want to lose you and will every so often reign you in again.
If that is the case how about saying 'ok lets have a chat but i cant be long as i have a meeting/lunch/date.... and sound relly excited about what you will be doing with your life now.
Try and make it sound busy and exciting - it will drive him crazy to think you are moving on and having fun without him.

You dont want to play games i know but letting him think there is a new life for you wont hurt him will it? Nothing too obvious or hurtful for him - just different.
It is a good excuse to be all dolled up too - if you are meeting friends after.

I am always happy to chat if you want to cat me too.

Unhappychick I never had that with P, never but now I do and it just happens. Not the little touches but the glances, like we are sharing something private. It happened to us while we were being sold a conservatory a couple of weeks ago and it gave me this lovely feeling inside, like we had achieved something.

I will hold my hands up and say that right from the very beginning I had a lot of expectations from P and the relationship. Because of my past and everything that has happened to me I was a very needy and insecure person. I made the mistake of believing that because I just dealt with/tolerated/never complained or asked for anything that I was a 'nice' person. Now I realise I was a victim of my own making. In a way I was playing a game too because I tried to get what I wanted by being emotional and needy. It didn't work.

I wanted P to show me, prove to me that I was a 'nice' person and that he recognised that. I realise now that it wasn't about him loving me, he did that anyway in his own way, it was about me needing to feel loved, IYSWIM, I put a heck of a lot of pressure on him to make me feel a worthy, lovable person. I don't need to do that now. And look what has happened! I am getting his without having to be needy or wanting and I even have him saying he wants me to need him so, I must be doing something right

Ok, I may not have an all consuming, passionate relationship full of flowers and fancy words but what i do have I value more than that because I have myself a really good friend

No PC, you are not talking clap trap at all.

I really do wish you were all at this stage. It's so much easier without all the pressures and expectations. It's just an easygoing kind of love.

The kind that Old age pensioners have

I agree TFM - my h is my best friend and i feel that what we have achieved over the past couple of years has actually cemented things futher.
Although i do sometimes wish we could have that giddy 'new love' feeling again i also feel sorry for those in it as we all know that it fades over time.
It is hard work at times but i think that is just life anyway and the bad times make the good times seem so much better anyway.

Ladies, here is an email h sent me yesterday. Sheds some light on the male psyche post adultery.............

I know you are and have been riding a succession of niggly-nagging health issues over the past weeks and though I have wanted to chat about us I have been at pains to bring it up when you are not on top form. What I don't want is for me to be using it as an excuse not to talk, something which I reckon I can feel creeping in. I was also enjoying the success you had in landing that job. It truly was a scoop, you really wanted it, the very best you could get and all the other good things that come along with it. The cofidence it gave you was tangible and very enjoyable.

You are grieving our relationship (before the affair), very much at the beginning stages of that process and it is still raw as hell. I have been constantly amazed at your ability to even entertain the idea of the new relationship we are trying to acclimatise to. Thank you (again) for giving me a go. I think of it every day. In some ways this is making me weaker and in others much stronger, I think you may understand what I mean by that. I have been careful not to assume too much about how you are feeling at any given moment, if I do I tend to hedge on the negative side.

I am also grieving the relationship. At the moment mainly through monumental shame, embarrassment and self disappointment. I am ashamed of what I have done but moreso what I have done to the one person I swore to never hurt. I broke my promise and it does not matter how long I upheld the promise for. If I felt our relationship was rocking, I should have made moves to correct it, discuss it. Done something!

When something comes on the telly or something talking about affairs I feel this intensely, it makes me numb. I am sure you have noticed. But I don't want it to be like this. If it makes me so I want to say so, (obviously during eastenders I wouldn't dare interrupt your viewing!!), to open a discussion on it. How does it make you feel when you see stuff like that?

I think we are moving forward: you are being more expressive in small amounts (obviously biting your tongue a great deal too) but that's is what I want. I think I am being more aware, both of myself and of you. You are spending more time on things to do with you and I want that too. I am refocusing my life work/social/balance, thinking clearer and enjoying it. I love you and you love me. Its going generally in the right direction and that's what I tell anyone who asks. Is this what you say? What do you say?

I totally agree HW. Very occasionally I hanker after that giddy love feeling too but I certainly wouldn't want to have to go through all I have gone through again to get where I am today. I feel in a better place than I have ever been. It's like I understand how it all works now

OAPs!!!

I don't think the chat is to tell me anything truly terrible like that. I don't think he's having doubts either (or at least he would never admit that). However, I think I need to hear it, however painful, because I am going round and round in circles trying to understand what he's done and why, and it is driving me insane. Also I want to show him we can communicate.

I think you're right about looking good and having plans - only yesterday he asked if I was going out last night, as he had our boys. So clearly he's interested in that...

Also he has not removed all his stuff from the house, so one foot still here (I have bagged it up under the spare bed though). you'd have thought if he really was out of here, he'd come and get it?

Unfortunately not family law, but I can help you if your company goes bust...!

I sometimes feel that giddy feeling

Oh my word LL! Do you think he could have got a woman to write that for him It's blooming brilliant. Whatever you did, howver you handled things, well done! It worked!

I am with you UC. I needed to know absolutely everything, no matter how much it was going to hurt.

Wow, Ladythrush, that's an amazing email. Definitely hang on in there! H told me today that he is sad about what has happened but hasn't shown me that because he thought I would say he doesn't have the right to feel sad.

I just can't help but hope there's a chink.

Off to see counsellor now, so maybe she'll help me see things more clearly.

Thank you all for being so welcoming. UC x

UC I have been known to doll myself up and go totter around asda in my heels Just to show him that i wasn't sitting in brooding. You should definately make plans!

It's my dh returning TFM

Hope the counselling goes well UC. Keep your chin up and keep smiling, make him wonder what you have been up to

It's lovely LT

UC, yes that was something h and I had to work on. He felt that he had to put his feelings on hold as he had forfeited his right to feel sad and low. No, it doesn't work like that. If a relationship is to work, both parties need to express how they feel.