Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Absolutely correct Dior!! Treat him mean to keep him keen! Don't let your emotions get in the way, thats what he is relying on. Toughen up! You might even like it, I know I do

It all sounds positive at your end too Dior. I do hope the weightloss goes well for you. It will be nice for you to get out and meet people anyway, you don't want to become isolated after giving up work. It's an easy trap to fall into.

HW - Ladythrush

Baffy you will have the share the lunches with your team...we often got a free lunch when a meeting ended early its one of the perks isnt it?

Dior - The decision to stay a home is really difficult, I work at home for hubby but its not full time so I view the housework as being my job. Obviously it depends on how large your house is but I find it doesnt take much more than 1 - 1.5 hour a day. I try to hoover & tidy each day as especially getting the toys under control isnt too hard if you do little & often...another tip I heard was if you are watching TV do a couple of jobs when the Adverts come on I do this and it IS surprising how much you do without it being a chore. As part of the hour I give 1 room a full going over..yesterday I did the kitchen today so far ive been on MN all morning I find I feel better if I dont feel cluttered iykwim I get low if the house is too messy.

Hubby is too busy to help with childcare, I dont have available family so during school holidays I would be working for nothing...we did discuss me going back part time but just decided at this point it time it isnt workable. The only thing I will say it I think its important that the relationship remains equal - all our finances are joint and he doesnt think less of me for SAH. I have a friend whose husband doesnt want her to work because he wants to control her - she has no money of her own and he always knows where she is - that isnt healthy.

Me too Baffy I drive my family mad. I can't stand mess or clutter, dirty pots or piles of ironing. I never have a full wash basket and i have to iron as soon as the washing is dry. I drive myself mad sometimes

I agree with Baffy about the bleach - makes the house smell clean even if you havent done much.

I cant begin to tell you how much of my "tidy" house is just stuffed into picnic hampers and decorative storage boxes in the living room...no point in spending ages lugging it all upstairs and putting it away if they children are just going to get it back out again when they get home

Its all in the smell Dior, in the winter wipe the radiators with fabric conditioner, then it smells like you?ve been washing all day!!
I?m a firm believer in doing the bits that show. I hoover and dust around everything. Also go round the house with a carrier bag, chuck all the odds and sods from the surfaces into it and hide it away until you can be bothered to go through it all!!
I?ve got to do my house this afternoon as kids away for the night. I?ve been lazy on my day off for so long I need to have a complete blitz!!!

Another tip Dior, do your big supermarket shop online. It's so much easier having it delivered and only having to put it away than it is trailing around the supermarket, packing it at the till then unpacking when you get home. Just don't tell H!

If you go on a website called my voucher codes you will find codes for free delivery. I never pay for delivery.

See, being a SAHM is a career!!

Ahh now the ironing is another matter I could almost have sherpas trying the scale the north face of my ironing pile.

Glad it's not just me TFM!
I have this thing where the ornaments and pictures all need to be in the right place too - and I know if anyone has moved them!!

The only reason I know it's not full OCD though is that I have this amazing capacity to 'block out' things in cupboards. So my bedroom is a clean minimalistic haven of peace and tranquility... until you open a wardrobe and everything falls out on top of you!!

Dior borrow my babysitter too - she is a bit ocd with cleaning and when we went away for a couple of days earlier we came back to a really tidy house - even dvds in alphabetical order best bit was that dds books in her bedroom were too and she is only 4 and doesnt understand all her letters yet!!!
She then admitted to needing to have a week off after looking after my lot so i dont feel so bad now when i think i am sliping.

Try and do one room a week completely and just a quick straighten up the rest of the time. I think bathrooms are important too but they are fairly easy if you do a quick wipe every day.

Im with you on the housekeeping thread though .

Baffy well done you bet you felt great and they felt useless

TFM can't believe how far you have come from your first thread it really is a testament to you , well done !

PC hope you have a nice hol and great news about asbo. Am sure dp will help if he can best to call in evening now though !

Dior by the fact you are going to ww i am sure will help you feel more positive. I tend to do the ironing one too , and the bleach down the toilet , sinks etc.

On the cleaning front my vax shampoo has just arrived so have a lovely afternoon to look forward to cleaning my carpets , yeah

guess what? Even my wardrobe is tidy, blouses then skirts, then longer skirts then dresses, then trousers, then coats, all colour coordinated too to the best of my ability. Am I sad or what! It makes it much easier to put an outfit together though. I love my bedroom, like yours it's a haven of peace and tranquility, even in the wardrobe!

It's quite stressful sometimes though, don't you agree Baffy? I can't rest until things are clean and in their proper place and if I've just thought 'sod it' and put something where ever I can't rest until i've put it in it's proper place. I'm like you with ornaments and pictures too

Do you think we need an appointment to see LL?

Thank you Lily

Vax shampoo! carpet cleaning! i will do it! I love cleaning the carpets, it gives me great satisfaction to suck up all that muck!

I'm regarded as odd because my favourite chore is ironing. I just love doing the laundry. And I just so love clean bedding. Theres nothing nicer than sliding into a bed with freshly washed bedding, especially when it's been dried outside.

Message withdrawn

hello everyone, I hope you don't mind if I join in your thread?

I've spoken to some of you before. H had an affair, started mid Feb this year, and left me end of March. We were together 14 years, 2 children under 4. I am finding it difficult dealing with him. he says he is in love with OW, and there is no chance of us resolving anything. until now he has been unwilling to even speak to me about it all, I did get him to come to 5 counselling sessions with me early on, but I was in shock, he was defensive, and I think it may have done more harm than good. He says he said a lot in those sessions, but has only just accepted that I was in a haze of shock and distress, and didn't really take very much in at that point.

He says he will talk to me now about why he was unhappy. A lot of it is about declining intimacy, which he says goes back to before the children arrived (query why have the children then???). There seem to be lots of things we have both internalised. I want so much to talk about it with the intention of working it out and getting back together stronger and more able to communicate properly. Not a chance, he says. We have agreed we will talk next Thursday, but I am not sure what the point is if there is 'no chance'. These are conversations we should have had a year ago, or more.

I don't know if meeting up with him and talking it through is helpful or not. I can't get rid of the hope that it will make him re-think. I am trying really hard not to beg, not to appear desperate.

Help!

Hi Unhappychick and welcome

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. Haivng read your post I am inclined to agree with you and wonder why your H wants to talk unless, he is wanting to make sure that you understand that he is not coming back.

What do you want to do? Do you want to talk? You sound to me as though you have accepted what he says, even though it isn;t what you want.

You know what i would do if this were me? I would regain some control over this whole situation and tell him that I have no need to talk further on the matter, that I have accepted how he feels and I now just want to get on with my life. See how he takes that!!

If he leave you be and is happy with what you say then I think you have your answer. You take a step back and you start to think of yourself (easier said than done I know )

If he is surprised by your answer and still insists he wants to talk to you then you will be getting the message that he still has some interest in the relationship. Then we can work on keeping you in control and having the upper hand

Try not to worry too much (again, easier said than done) look after yourself well and treat yourself kindly, you deserve it! xx

I have to say TFM i do get a sense of satisfaction, after the sense of disgust, when i see all the muck

Unhappychick so for you. It doesn't really sound like he wants to sort things out at the minute. Is he living with ow ? I know how desperate you feel but you can't change his feelings for you if he is saying he is in love with ow. Don't beg him. Is he meeting you to talk because you want to or does he.

Do you do what I do Lily, close the door after you have finished but keep going back for a little peep at how great it looks

Hello all I am here just trying to get my head and thoughts in order to tell you wonderful guys and get your thoughts (no shouting please)...
Welcome unhappy for you but these gals here are wonderful for advice and support
Just gonna try and get baby to sleep then will come and write an essay

TFM I aspire to have wardrobes like you one day!
(Seriously though!!)

Welcome unhappychick

I'm sorry you're going through this. I was at your stage with my H about 18 months ago. He'd talk, more because he felt he had to, but he had made up his mind that our relationship was way beyond saving and he wanted to be with the OW (although he was never as straight as yours has been and although he spent every possible moment with the OW, didn't want me to know that - wanted me to believe he'd left just because of the issues between us).

I have to say it's been a long road. We've talked and talked. But for so long his mind was made up and the influence of the OW took over.

We've only had a change in the past few months because I finally got to the stage of moving on and have filed for divorce. Suddenly he's like a different person and starting to look at the possibilities of a reconciliation. Perhaps too little too late. Only time will tell. I still love being with him and remember the old H. But I'm not sure how I feel anymore because of the amount of things that have happened.

But anyway, I think that no matter what you do (and believe me I tried everything, moving on, emotional blackmail, turning up looking great, trying to make him jealous, begging... ) you can't change their minds. The only way their minds change is if they want them to.

I 'moved on' initially and started dating again. And it went disastrously wrong as I was doing it for the wrong reasons - more to prove to him that I could move on. Not because deep down I wanted to.

So what would my advice be. It's a difficult one. A lot of these things only change with time. I would say go with your heart. All the way through I did whatever felt right. I'd spend time with him, despite all the lies and people telling me not to give him the time of day, because I wanted to.
I can look back and know I did the very best I could to save the marriage and did what felt right at the time. Nobody can ever blame you for that. But most importantly, you can never blame yourself. And that's the key.

There's no right or wrongs in these situations. We all deal with it so differently. You just need to do whatever gets you through the day and whatever makes you happy xx

Hi macd, looking forward to the catch up

TFM
No i sit here still mneting with the bottle at the side of me feeling guilty
Actually it's a wool capet so it get's and smells worse before it get's better!

McD glad your still around, guessing you had change of mind (no shouting please) As if we would

Unhappychick just reread my post hope it didn't sound too abrupt
I just think tat sometimes because we want to hear something we will do everything we an to get that but if he doesn't want so say it nothing you do/say will make him iyswim. I fear that meeting him for him to tell you why he was unhappy will only make you feel worse.

Hi MacD No shouting on here, I promise. Whatever you have decided you won't be judged or shouted at.

Baffy, do you think sometimes they want to talk because they are trying to convince themselves as much as they are trying to convince us? They want to feel justified and so try to convince us that what they are doing is right, afterall, if they can get us to agree it makes it a whole lot easier for them doesn't it

Message withdrawn

Very true TFM

Some of our talks he would almost be trying to talk me into feeling the way he did.... "well, you know, things weren't good were they, we weren't happy were we, we're better off with new people" etc etc...

Ahem, perhaps you weren't happy! I was perfectly fine! And I'd appreciate it if you'd have told me you weren't happy before jumping into bed with the first woman who shows you some attention!!!!

A massive part of me now wants to say to him, well if she was so great then go for it! Build your future with her!
But I guess that's because over time I've realised that that is really not the case and he will regret forever the way he treated me and the sort of woman he left me for.

But at the time it just seems like she must be better than you, have so much more to offer, be giving him the things you can't. It's all b*llocks! All the OW is, is different. A distraction. Something new. Flattering. Able to promise the world and be whatever the bloke thinks he wants.

But in the long term, why would they have been with us for so many years if it was that bad?! They wouldn't! The relationship probably just needed a shake up and the two of you to put that extra bit of effort back in. Everyone takes each other for granted now and again, and RL, children, work, tiredness... it all gets in the way of the excitiment doesn't it!!

But hey. That's what real life is.

I think we could all see that very early on after finding out about the affairs. It takes them a long time to realise it though.

Do you not think sometimes they talk to make themselves feel better as though they can justify the unjustifyable? Is that even a word LOL if it is I dont know how to spell it!