Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

Tell him when you have a contract, a job description and a salary you will make a committment to the housework, until then he should think himself lucky that you are working for free!!

You rant away, I for one would rather you rant than take all his words on board. Do not let him bring you down.

Good morning!

Well I'm finally in work. I got the accounts out about 10 o clock last night (although the last hour of that I was making my 'issues list' of things I want resolving before next month's accounts! LL- I'm a Chartered Accountant, recently got a big promotion so this role is Assistant Finance Director.)

I had a lovely lie in this morning. Pulled into the work car park just before 9am. Phone rang. One of my best staff. She'd just had a bad car accident, written her car off, was a complete state, didn't know who to ring, and could I go and help her!!

So I went straight down. Sorted out swapping everyone's details, called her insurance and then the AA to collect her car, and then took her home. All in the rain! So I'm finally at my desk, looking like a drowned rat! And I left the house this morning all gorgeous and chilled out too!

Ah well... all in a day's work!

Dior don't let him bring you down. You know that part of the extra time you will now have, will be to get on top of the household things. But the rest of the time will be for you. To get yourself better and to make yourself happy. It's not rubbing his nose in it. As your partner he should be happy with whatever makes you happy.
But at the same time if you know he has this negative attitude, perhaps jealousy, then just do it. And leave him out of it!

As TFM says, don't look for his approval. And then you can't be let down.
I have learnt this myself through everything with H, I used to constantly look for him to make me feel better. Leading questions. Wanting him to say how wonderful I am etc... But it just sets you up for a fall when you know them well enough to know you won't get what you're looking for anyway.

So now I find other ways to get that approval. I set myself goals. And when I achieve them I'm proud of myself and know how wonderful I am! And when I don't achieve them I have a big bar of chocolate to console myself and then start again the next day! It's win/win! And I can't be let down or pulled down by negative attitudes. And when I don't achieve something I set out to do, I only have myself to blame and I try harder next time.

Get yourself into a nice routine. Get the boring household stuff out of the way early in the week and early in the days. Then focus on you, and what you want to do. He will have nothing to complain about as you've done the things he wanted out of it (however unreasonable he may be about it! ) but you will be happy and content and hopefully that will rub off on both of you too.

I hope it goes well. Don't let him spoil this for you xx

Dior sorry he is putting obstacles in the way alread befoe you even leave , a 'commitment to do housework' what is that

McD how are things ? Hope your ok x

TFM i do think you are young, trendy , hip and with it my ds friend over the road likes westlife too and she is 12 !

Gup you can't afford to stay away can you it takes too long to catch up How things with you ?

HW lol at alking to anyone who will listen

LL i am on mat leave at the mo but work in a secondry school teaching vulnerable y7 pupils who struggle to make the transition to high school.
I am having a bit of a dilemma actually with regards to eturning to work. It just seems impossible juggling 3 dcs childcare when me and dp both work an hour commute either way. I only do 3 days but now dp can't really help with his new job i just can't see how we are going to work it. I worked out last night we would only be about £200 better off if i go back anyway which doesn't seem much bu at the minute we need every penny we can get! what to do!

Baffy what time did you get home ?

Dior - maybe you are too honest with him . Let him think you are at home slaving over the hoover when you are really lunching / walking / being happy (which is actually what you deserve!!)

Good post Baffy you have come such a long way.

Lily, that was another point for me being a SAHM, P works such long hours and my working day would have been long too, I just couldn't bear the thought of dd not seeing much of either of us. Like I keep saying, I have done all that with my eldest three and I really didn't want to go through that again. And besides all of that, no matter how much i try to kid myself that i am in perfect health I am not (there, i've said it!) I just don't think my body would support me through a working day and then grind of homelife. As it is now I can listen to my body and am much healthier for it. And hip and trendy too!

I agree with you GU. Dior should do just that. We have a fantastic farm shop near us and they sell some wonderful homecooked pies, chilli's, stews etc. Every now and then (once a week I will have a 'me day' and I will buy something from the farm shop. With a few bits added it looks like soemthing i made myself. I haven't been sussed yet

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Quick update on me - About 3 weeks ago DP's dd announced she wanted to live with him (very long story - I won't bore you with the details!). Since things weren't going too well between us anyway and my house is too small for us all we decided that he would move into a rented house with his dd. He moved about 2 weeks ago and things have been great. I still see him, he's not drinking , we are getting on well again. The kids are really close to his dd and they love having her just down the road. Everyone's happy atm (except his ex wife but hey - can't please everyone!!!).
I'm slightly that he can do all this for his dd but couldn't for me but I'm trying to bury that thought and concentrate on the positives.

Baffy x post hope she is ok , what a lovely boss you are she ould be the very last person i would ever ring if i had a problem on the way to work. You should feel very proud that she phoned you for help

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That is wonderful news GU. And I know it's of bit annoying that he has done for his dd what he couldn;t do for you but it is great all the same. This could be a major turning point for him, for all of you

Yes Dior, you do tell him too much. Hopefully you will find him to be more of a friend to you when he is having to work at your relationship, when you aren't readily giving him everything without him having to put the effort in. You will find that if you don;t offer the info he will be curios enough to ask

GU i am so pleased you seem to be working it out, as long as he isn't drinking that and your happiness is the main thing !

I'm really hoping so TFM, he's got a 6 month lease on the new place, so that gives us time to figure out what the next step will be.

Oh gosh, well I would leave him where he is after the six months! I think if it works for you him having his own place then keep it that way. I'm all for 'living apart together' relationships

I will keep my fingers crossed for you GU, I hope it all works out for you xx

Yes she's ok thanks for asking, her partner is back home now so she has his support. She just rang to see if I need her to come into work!! Now if only there were more people with that sort of committment...
Of course I told her to put her feet up and not even think about coming back until she's 100% ok.

Dior I do think that your partner, in an ideal world, would be your lover, best friend, and no matter what, want what's best for you. Sadly none of us live in that ideal world
You can love him for all his other qualities and appreciate all the things about him that you might not get from someone else. But perhaps alongside that you have to accept he has his faults, and he just can't seem to accept changes in routine. (And also has very high standards/expectations when it comes to housework!)

I wonder though if he realises just how much his attitude brings you down and makes things worse for you. Is this attitude something you can cope with forever or will you get back to the point where you feel you would be happier without him? Is that a conversation you need to have with him?

GU that is really good news about DP and his daughter. It's fantastic, you're getting on well, the kids are all happy, and he's not drinking. There are no negatives! He can do this for his dd because she is a helpless child and in a way, has forced him to face up to his responsibilities. I bet anything that he had the same committment to you, but as you're a grown, strong, independent woman, it was easier in a way to let himself down and turn back to the drink. Because somewhere deep down he knew you could cope.
Not that it makes it right or acceptable. But knowing from my own experiences with family and drink, it often takes an outside influence and a massive shake up for things to start to change. And it looks like that may have happened
Look forwards now not back. It sounds like it can only get better xx

Lily that sounds like a tough decision about the job. I think if you enjoy your work, and it means you have more money to enjoy your time when you're all together, then you should perhaps go back. You could maybe give yourselves 6 months with you both working and see how it goes. In that time you'll know for definite whether it's something you can/want cope with longer term.

I think that way round you leave your options open. As much as I am at people who can be SAHM's and totally understand every fantastic reason for doing that, I think once you give your job up you've closed that door. Going back at a later stage is still there. But just a bit more difficult.
Presuming you like your job and the hours it allows you to work, if you give it a try first and it doesn't work out, your SAHM option is still waiting there in the background

Baffy the thing is i am not sure what i am going back to. My job will have changed when i go back and speaking to colleagues it's much harder (our school changed into an academy recently) as it was a 'failing' school.
I didn't particularly like it before i left. I really want to go back to uni and do my teacher training for a year and get a job at 'full' pay rather than doing the same job for half pay at the moment.
I have done my degree now and will hopefully have my maths gcse in Nov ( i am dyslexic at maths )
So if i don't go back it doesn't affect my long term career iyswim.
Also my nan looked after dd1 one day a week and she did nursery for the other 2. I don't really know whether she can manage 2 dd's (i find it hard) she is in her 80's but i think she feels it's something she has to do since my mum died.
I will also have to get a childminder to take ds and pick him up from school for 3 days.
I suppose i could get a childminder for all 3
It just seems a lot of stress for £200 but dp pointed out that is a lot of money to us at the min (which it is)

Thanks Baffy - that makes a lot of sense. His dd is a very mature 15 year old and I sometimes forget that she is still a child. She is very against him drinking and he has always wanted her to live with him so I think he knows that if he blows it with her, she'll be straight back to her Mum's and he'll never have this time with her again.
Lily - bless your Nan for looking after your dd in her 80's. My Nan is 87 and she gets worn out just being in the same room as my ds's for 10 minutes!!!
Re working - by the time you have paid a childminder you might not have a lot of change from £200 a month anyway. Could you work from home doing private tuition or something like that while you are studying?

GUP i think he is more likely to tow the lie for his dd tahn you as yo say she won't need to be as forgiving!

I know my nan is a real treasure and she would say yes to having them both but i don't think she would find it easy!
Basically tax credits would covermy childcare so i would get the £200 but seems very little for 12 days work!
I am not actually a qualified teacher as yet so not sure where that leaves me r/e tutoring. Despite having 10+ years experience in schools

lily when you put it like that, I have to say I'd be tempted to do without the £200 for now, get your qualification, and go back in 12-18 months into a fully paid job which is on the career path you want.

Uni would only be for a year (PGCE I assume?) and then you'd be on more money, but also hopefully in a job you enjoy.

If you didn't much like the job anyway, and are feeling underpaid and knowing you're capable of more, plus worrying about your nan - you'll hate it!

Like Dior - just go for it!!

Oh dior - i feel so sad for you, and i know exactly where you are coming from.

I hate that - 'i want the house tidy when i get home' attitude - does he not think you want it tidy too?

Until my h had the time off he really did not understand how difficult and soul destroying it is - now he never (well rarely) makes a fuss even if the place is a complete tip. He knows i dont make it like that to annoy him and that it is near impossible to keep one step ahead. And if it bothers him he will do it.

Dior - having met you and your h - i really do think he is insecure deep down. You are so lovely and he knows that and is scared - well thats what i saw anyway. I know i was a complete stranger to him but you seemed so much more confident than he did. Please give yourself credit for that - and dont let him make you think differently.

with regards to the housework - if it really does get you down - give me a call and i will come and give you a hand. I know how it can soon make you feel even worse - and it is so much easier with 2 doing it. And dont worry i will always make you pay me back. (or tell everyone what a complete pigsty you live in ).
I really do mean that though - at my lowest i had a couple of friends who would just come over and 'help' - making beds is so much quicker and actually enjoyable with a chat too.

Hi everyone else glad p is staying away from the drink gin - dont worry why it has happened just enjoy.

Lilly - yes the money would come in handy but i actually think you end up spending more if you are at work - especially if it is not what you really want.
Treating yourself to the odd thing and justifying a take-away.
Have a mission to make sure you save as much on the everyday things as you can instead.

HW your right with petrol , lunches clothes etc. I think i would like to stay at home so am looking at finances to see if we can save the £200 somewhere else to show dp. Starting with his mobile at £45 a month not sure how he will feel about that
I think i would like to stay with the kids until maybe dd goes to school next year then dd2 will be nearly 2 and much more ready for nursery and then i can apply for pgce courses to start next Sept! There easy when you say it like that, thanks for listening to me waffling just finances to sort out now

Does that offer extend to all of us HW - my house is like a pigsty and I don't care who knows it

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