Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

lilyloo, some days are good and others not so good. The stuff I read here does affect me and sometimes I feel that I am starting from scratch again. Sometimes I feel I am looking from the outside in (at myself) and I have a sharp intake of breath and think what the hell are you doing with a man who could do that to you. But the man who did this to me is the same man I have loved for 18 years. The same man who was honest, loving and loyal. I either take my chances with him and hope he will not cheat again (have made it clear I will not tolerate this EVER again)or I cast my net out there ........and judging by the men I meet, I ain't too hopeful

lilyloo - sounds like your h did think about what you said to him, hence his tenderness towards you. I find men can be rather illiterate when it comes to emotional issues. Sometimes when I need to talk to h he can't find the words. He has to sleep on it (to process the emotion) then is ready to talk the next day (by which time I've already sorted it out myself )

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Agree LL he doesn't do emotional stuff well!
I think he is just too ashamed and can't stand talking about it as he doesn't want to feel bad!

It's early days for you but it does get easier and the reasons i chose to give it another go are pretty much the same. We are now 2 years on and it doesn't occupy my thoughts as much now. However new baby , him loosing his buisness etc. etc. all got a bit much and then i tend to look at things that are making me unhappy and find that this 'issue' is always there albeit buried away.
I think that's the difficulty of making another go of it it will 'always' be there. I find it hard to bring it up though as i feel like i have to come to terms with it and can't keep throwing it back in his face but then i think why should i have to deal with it all myself.
I really do think they believe we will 'get over it' and go back to 'normal'

Yes they have an amazing capacity to delude themselves so they think this gift extends to their partners also

Though one has to ponder which is worse........staying with an adulterer because you are deluded, or staying with one in full knowledge that they have cheated and could do it again

Good morning ladies

Lily - I am sooo pleased to hear that your 'chat' may have done some good as for coming on here and reading other posts, I think that can only be a good thing, if there is something you have 'buried' or subconsciously overlooked you can be sure it will pop up sometime or other and bite you on the bum so, best to get it all sorted and off your chest as it arises Also, can I just say, being an expert on sitting back and waiting for P to 'show' me rather than me tell him, all that seems to achive is me seething because he hasn't realised what, in my opinion, he should be doing. Then it all comes out like steam from a boiling kettle and he wonders what the heck he has done In my experieince it's far better just to tell him, ok, not as romantic maybe but it works! So, if you need something from him, tell him, don't wait for it to dawn on him what you need because it won't!

LL I understand where you are coming from, I am sure a lot of women who haven't been in MacD's position would say the same but, until you have actually been there you don't really know. Eighteen years of marriage is a major achievement in itself these days! I am sure that if you really love your H you would do your best to accept, accomodate and work through any problems to be able to save the relationship.
You know sometimes, I don't think it's the actual affair that ends up being the problem, the thing that tears a couple apart, I think it's the pressure put on a couple because of the affair. You can probably cope with the actual affair better than the after effects. It takes a lot of hard work not to let it change you as a person.

Dior, i think once you have lost the weight you want to lose, once you are happy with yourself and your depression has lifted, you will re-evaluate your whole relationship with H. He may be in for a bit of a shock!

Yes thank you, I enjoyed my 'Mother's Day' Well last year I had bought him a lovely gift, had a nice breakfast and lunch planned infact, I had a lovely day planned for him. But he got up early and went working with his mate, didn't come home til dd was almost ready for bed! Showed no interest in the slightest. I told him it would be different this year and so I made sure it was! And it worked! I bet he won't be shunning Fathers Day in favour of his mate again!

Have a lovely day everyone xxx

Just a quick catch up. I had a lovely weekend in a hotel and then day out with ds and H yesterday so I'm feeling really well.

Macd how are you? I can't imagine how hard Saturday must have been, like I said, OW just passed me in the car at the shops and I was a total wreck, couldn't eat and went to bed early! And that was a pure chance meeting. I have to agree that I wouldn't be surprised if she went there just to get at you.
Which does prove, like everyone has said, that she's in a far worse place than you.

I do agree with the advice about focusing on yourself and your dds. But having recently experienced just how much a chance meeting like that can throw you a million steps back, I totally empathise with you.

All those feelings and emotions come rushing back. Your heart is pounding. Stomach empty. Whole body is shaking.
Please do not beat yourself up for feeling how you do. It is the worst feeling in the world and I really do believe that even given time, sorting out your life, focusing on yourself etc - every time you see the OW you will feel the same. You can't help it.

I don't mean this to be negative. But my dad had a baby with his OW in very similar circumstances. 30 years on and when my mum sees the OW all the same feelings and emotions come back.
Now believe me, my mum is happy, she knows she's better off without my dad and has had a happier life for it. But the OW is a trigger for those feelings and emotions that are probably some of the worst anyone ever experiences in their life, so of course seeing them brings it back. No matter what the circumstances.

It's something we're going to have to learn to live with. Especially living so close to the OW. But I don't think it will ever get easier and that is something we need to accept. It doesn't mean we need to bury it or feel wrong for feeling like that. We just need to find a coping strategy.

I hope you're ok xx

Dior am so at your H for continuing to make those comments. How is that supposed to be helpful in any way?!
Do you think he realises that his part in this is actually contributing to making things worse, not better?

lily I'm so glad you managed to tell him how you're feeling. I think you've needed to do that for a long time now. And it seems to have had the right effect.
I know they don't want to face the consequences of what they've done day after day forever. But they should have thought of that before jumping into bed! And you're trying your very best to move on, it's just not easy! So good for you for speaking up

TFM I'm glad you enjoyed your weekend and it sounds like you're definitely in a better place and showing him there are consequences to his actions
I hope you're ok and he is continuing to behave himself. I know you are always happy and smiley on here, which I sometimes wonder is perhaps masking how you really feel... I may be totally wrong here so apologies if I am! But I know that old trick of keep smiling even when you don't feel like it and hopefully one day it will become reality!
I hope that's not the case and you're feeling much better now and P is on his best behaviour.
But just remember, we're here to help you too!

Hi baffy

No masking going on here all is going very well, P is great, behaving great and treating me great and you are right, I am in a good place BUT, I am not giving P credit for that! That is all of my own doing, nothing to do with him. The fact that all is well at home is a bonus You can be sure i will let you know when I need your help, I promise

I'm glad you had a good weekend and I look forward to hearing all about it xx

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You know what Dior, I think you have to do whatever is best for you at the moment. I know how much you love your craft so, instead of thinking about giving up work to concentrate on it, why don't you do just that! It might be the making of you. You can spend summer () at home, spending time with ds and doing what you enjoy. You never know, you might even manage to start your own business during your 'sabatical' smile. GO FOR IT!!!!

As for the waiting for a hug and your H not being a mind reader, I can relate to that. I used to wait too for P to show affection, I used to sit and seethe and stew, my mind working overdrive but, the simple fact is, men are made of different stuff to us. Like I said to Lily in an earlier post, I don't wait around these days, if I want something from him I just ask. It saves a lot of hassle in the long run. I used to put too much emphasis on his 'actions' so to speak, judging his love for me by whether or not he gave me a kiss or a hug. The trouble is with that you spend too long looking for signs of that kind that you overlook the little everyday signs of love, for me it was how he used to call at my house in the winter (before we lived together) on his way to work just to defrost and warm up my car for me so that it was nice and warm when I set off for work myself. He knows I love cherries so last week, even though he had just driven over 200 miles home from work he called at the supermarket to get me some (was having a bad boob day) That meant much more to me than the odd kiss. SO Dior, why not try looking for other ways in which H shows you affection and love rather than just physical ones

Anyway, all that aside I think the best thing you can do for yourself is start to love yourself. If giving up work to concentrate on your craft will make you happy then I think that is a perfect start! xx

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Totally agree with TFM. Dior you sound so much more positive even just thinking about it! Do whatever makes you happy. Life's too short

That all sounds great Dior. Now go and write your resignation

And do me just one more thing, for this next week make a conscious effort to find a positive thought for every negative thought, then when you have found the positive dismiss the negative, do not allow it headspace. I promise, you will feel much better for it. xxx

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Thank you Dior! You are very welcome. xxx

Once again taken me ages to catch up with everything.

TFM - spot on with advice as usual - but McD i do still find it difficult not to give the ow so much of my precious time - i know logically this is wrong but just cant seem to stop it.
I sometimes do think it is because i have buried so much and just tried to get on with life and now it is catching up with me. Reading posts on here sometimes too makes me question whether i have done the right thing - i sometimes feel i was too weak to be alone (although i know that is not true as h did leave for a while).
I know i am too hard on myself for not being able to control my thoughts and do get cross with myself.
Lily - my h too really does try is hardest but finds it hard if i am having a bad day - and although i dont want to punish him more i also dont need to be told by him how hard he finds it knowing he caused this - its a vicious circle.

I think a lot of my projection of hatred to the ow is because i did give her a chance to redeem herself to me as a person - and she still continued to lie to me (and whatever you say that was her not him - whether she should have had any loyalty to me or not she did not have to increase the pain to me, when i had asked her for her help - so for that i will not forgive her). Also i can see the pain that h has gone through and so find it easier to let go of the anger i feel towards him.
Its about respect from anyone - and she did know what she was doing would cause pain but as far as i could see was not prepared to stop but instead was happy to see me go through so much heartache.
I do still wish the ow ill at times - but i think that is a need in me to see her punished - h i feel has been punished enough for now and anyway i can always punish him if i want to - so maybe it is about control too?

Dior my h thinks you are lovely - and when i said you struggled with your weight like me he said he did not think you had a problem at all - he really did not think you were overweight at all (and believe me he can be quite cutting about people if he wants to be).
I just wish your h could see that you are lovely whatever your size or shape. None of us are ever 100% happy with our looks anyway - but that is what being a woman is about (as i am trying to convince my beauiful daughter that she is georgous and no-one sees anything about her to worry about - yet she still things she has a big nose...)

Good luck today Mcd - i really hope your meeting went well and that you feel a bit more in control. This nightmare will end - i promise you. It is not as scary as you think and you can do it. Do let us know how it goes anyway and remember we are all here for you.

Hi to everyone else - off to meet dds teacher today for when she starts big school in september. And then my life WILL get organised.

Quick visit, it's not wrong HW, it's perfectly natural BUT, it is harmful to you in the long run. It's debilitating and holds you back.

Off to read rest of your post now

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Thanks ladies
You are right TFM sometimes i think we do spend so long focusing on their actions and expecting them to know what is wrong and how to fix it and then punishing them when they don't and they have no idea what they have done.
I can't believe the change in you it's lovely to see and maybe a lesson for us all to learn. This change has come about because of what you have done and then other things seem to have fell into place now.
You are rigth sometimes we dwell too much on what we don't have , have lost, can't fix instead of actively doing something about it.
I feel much better after clearing the air.

Baffy glad you had a great weekend , hope work doesn't stress you out too much this week.

McD how are you is it tom you go to the solicitor or today ?

Dior you can hear positives already in your post when you suggest those things. TFM is right maybe you need to loo at the nice things h does and no focus on the negatives as they will only to your burden.

HW your posts really do ring very true to me i especially agree that the punishment of the ow is a control thing. But we do need to let it go as we can't control them or punish them and whilst we are holding on to that it's holding us back. Easier said than done though i know!

Hope everyone else ok am off to tackle my mount Fuji x2 now Dior

Yes I think it does hold you back in the long run - but i also wonder if at the beginning i had got all my anger out at her i would not be where i am now?

I did the 'right' thing then and kept my dignity blah blah blah...
If I had socked her one had the 'fishwife' slanging match would i now feel she was out of my system?
Retorical question i know but i wonder if getting revenge however silly early on actually helps to get over some of this anger?

Please dont get me wrong - most of the time i am calm and in control and actually do not give her that much of my time - but there are the occacional blips (which i know is understandable and probably acceptable).

So would it have been healthier to got it out of my system early on or am i better off because i did stay on the moral high-ground?

Will never know i suppose - unless he does it again - and i think i will be in prison for murder then anyway (of him) - or in that mental institution in your novel .

Do you think HW that it could be more a case of you not wanting H to think you were weak by taking him back, that you don't want him to think you were a pushover and that it is something that he can do again? I think thats how I would feel.

FWIW HW I see forgiveness as a strength rather than a weakness. I think it takes a great, strong woman commit to making a relationship work after infidelity. The only emotion I would imagine a man has to deal with is guilt, and even then from all the threads and posts I have read the only time they feel guilty is when it has been stirred by an outburst from the wife! It doesn't seem to be something they carry around with them. Whereas the wife who has been cheated on has to live with a constant fear that it may happen again, insecurity and possibly jealousy, while at the same time trying not to upset the applecart by trying not to appear needy and constantly reminding the Husband of the damage he has done. In my book the man gets off lightly!

May I ask you HW, what would it take from the OW for you to feel you can let go of this feeling towards OW. What would you like from her. What do you feel would give you closure. Sometimes, I read your posts and i feel that you feel almost as betrayed by her as you do H. Do you think if she had been some random woman who you didn't know it would have been easier? Could it be because she was a trusted work colleague? Sorry for all the questions xx

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HW for what it's worth i found the whole ow thing easier to deal with. I don't often think of her but appreciate i probably had an easier time of dealing with this.
I didn't know her , i made dp take me to her and have her a piece of my mind right outside their work place which highly embarrassed her. The slap around the face made me feel better ( i have never hit anyone in my life and was completely out of character ). Then i made dp leave his job and as it was too far away for me to see her around i haven't really felt the need to punish her.
Don't get me wrong for the first few months that's all i could think off butnow it's dp who i blame it all on tbh.
When i had the slanging match she looked embarrassed but never once apologised or looked ashamed. I thnk you are a faceless person to them and they couldn't care less about how you feel.