Glam & Fab Part 5 - Summer Loving

[macdoodle]

Gosh time for a new thread already
I'm up for a half term meet - tis the week of the bank hol here 26 May - I will be with sis in Hitchin prob from Sun 25 May most of that week so up for London or roundabout meetup

You know I feel like I am stuck in a never ending nightmare and one day I will wake up and it will all be back to normal

Oh MD - how awful. Can understand why you feel as though you're trapped in a nightmare . How horrible of her to go to the fete. Is your h still in contact with her? How often does he see the baby. If you don't mind me asking, what is the age gap between your babies?

MacD, I apologise now for upsetting you because I know that what I am about to say will do just that but sweetie, the OW being at the fete today was probably just pure coincidence, I am sure she didn't set out to hurt or upset you, she was doing just the same as you, having a day out. Now if she was there with your H then yes, i would agree, she would be rubbing your nose in things but she wasn't she was out with her mum. She wouldn't have known you were going to be there. You are giving this woman far too much control and power over you. You should be holding your head high, fixing a smile on that gorgeous face of yours and walking around with pride! Not scurrying away home.

I know this is difficult for you, I really do and I feel for you so much but, nothing you can do or say is going to change the situation SO, we have to work on acceptance. Break this whole mess down into managable steps for you to deal with, try to eliminate thoughts of what you cannot change and concentrate on what you can change.

You are taking the first big step to reclaiming your life. You are divorcing H! That is major!! So please MacD, don't let the the sight of and the thought of OW stop you from moving forward. Don't let her stop you from living your life, from enjoying it. Don't let her do anymore damage than she has already done. Do not give her the satisfaction!!!

I really feel for you MacD, you have so much anger inside you, so much pain and it really cannot be healthy for you. We don't want you having a break down!!

Can I help you MacD? If you want to pour your heart and soul out in an email to me I am more than happy to help you through this. Just rant away

Ok, I could go on a bit more but I may well have already upset you so I'm going to stop now. I hope you are feeling a bit better about things. I know it's easier said than done, I really do but I really don't want you to be feeling so much anger and pain another 2 years down the line!!

Thinking of you xxx

TFM i think as per ususal you are so right.
McD you really do have to take back control of your life you have no reason to hide or go home. She should be the one ashamed and hiding away not you.
Massive (((hugs)))

I can't help but wonder if your self esteem has taken a huge knock MacD if somehow you feel she must be better than you because H did what he did with her. Stupid thing to say really because of course it will have! I suppose what I am trying to say is that if you do feel like that then you have absolutely no need to. Infact, you should not even be comparing yourself or your life, even your babies with hers. You need to focus on you, your life and your babies.
This may sound harsh MacD (and i will be honest with you, I am worried about some backlash here but she is not dominating your life, your thoughts of her are. You are allowing her into a space where she has no right. She does not deserve your head space.

Also, I think you are projecting a lot of your anger in the wrong direction. Yes, what she did was wrong, very wrong, but obviously she has no conscience BUT, it was H who betrayed you the most, he was the one with the loyalty towards you, he hurt you more than she did because he is the one closest to you but you sem a lot more forgiving of him than you do of her. I'm not saying you shouldn't be working on forgiveness or not be working on rebuilding a relationship with him but, he should be the one who goes out of his way to make you feel secure, not the OW. If it is over between H and her she is of no threat to you now. I know it kills you that she has a child to him but unfortunately that is something you cannot change, the baby is the innocent one in all of this, just like you. You and that baby are both victims of this mess, you have something in common.

Ok, I've gone on and on again. I think it's time to shut up

I hope none of this offends you MacD. I apologise if it does but I'm afraid I wouldn;t be being a true friend and Teabag if I just agreed with and condone everything you said. In the long run it wouldn't do you any good at all if we just gave you a pat on the head and told you it was ok to feel this way, it is understandable, to a certain extent but it isn't ok, not if you want to be free from the nightmare you feel trapped in. xx

Bless you TFM
Why do we always find it easier to blame ow than him.
I had a phone convo with the ow and she directly said to me 'listen i wasn't the one with kids and a partner' and it tore me apart but it was sooo true !
Still i now will blame her over him think it's deluded love!

TFM of course you haven't offended or upset me - this is the one place I expect and want to be told harsh truths....
Thing is I know all the things you say - I go over them in my head and I know you are right - I don't want to end up a bitter old hag angry all my life
Yes my H almost destroyed my self esteem and still does - I think subconsciously he still does - I think it makes him feel better to make me feel worse IYKWIM
She wasn't with her mum - she doesn't live in the village or have a child at the school...there was NO reason for her to have a day out there - trust me I would not have gone if not for DD1 .....am afarid my past experience of her actions makes me believe the only reason she went was to get at me - but you are right - I shouldn't care. it shouldn't upset me, I shouldn't have gone home - knowing and doing not the same thing unfortunately ...
I know I need to move on to start to heal and be healthy emotionally...my H does not make it easy but I know you are right - I know there is no future for us together
And I always expect honesty here - I would be more upset if I didn't get it - I feel emotionally drained so off to bed early back tomorrow x

Ok MacD, here goes. Two years down the line it is time for you to get tough, with yourself! It's time for you to take responsibility for your own self esteem! Sod H and sod OW! This is about you now not them! They can only do to you what you allow them to do.

You must feel totally exhausted by all of this. Out of all the posts you have made i think I have only read ONE in whch I thought you were turning a corner, where you felt happy and free, then something happened and you were back to square one again. Gosh MacD, you must be sooo fed up! I am not surprised that you are emotionally exhausted.

As for OW and her appearance at the fete. The bottom line is that she has every right to go where ever she wants. Of course you are not going to like bumping into her, who would! But, you have to create a diversion for yourself so that it doesn't have such an effect on you. I really am worried about you you know. I fear that this whole situation or some aspect of it dominates the most of your life, which is definately not healthy. I know you want to escape it, that you want to get out of this mindset, that you want to feel happy but, allowing your thoughts to dominate you will not help with this.

You are a strong, capable and worthy woman. You have two beautiful children and a good career. The only negative as far as I can see is your H. You have an appointment on the 17th to take steps to get rid of the negative. Then you rlife begins. Fresh start!! Nice clean slate. Take a step bak from H, give yourself a break from him. Give yourself time to work on your self esteem, build up your confidence again. You never know, once you start to feel good about yourself you might look at H through fresh eyes, he might not seem such a great loss.

Gosh, I do hope my lottery ticket tonight was a winner. I think we need to get that retreat open as soon as possible

Just one more thing MacD, this is as low as you are going to get. This is rock bottom for you, the only way now is UP! You have had your time to wallow, you have had your victim time (yes, harsh words again) but now is the time to recognise your self worth, show H that you recognise your self worth, and start living your life. You can't do a damn thing about the past but you don't have to let it spoil your future.

I hope you feel better about things tomorrow, after a good nights sleep xx

Thank you TFM you are 100% right and I need to be told and keep telling me - I am psyching myself up for solicitor and telling H - I am ready

I can understand that Lily, I think it's more projection though than deluded love. It's much easier to project the blame onto a person you find it easier to hate than one that you love. You love your H so you will make any excuse to explain and forgive his behaviour plus, he is the one who you are in constant contact with so you get to hear his side of the story which of course is easy to believe when you are in love Naturally, he will blame the OW so the seed is firmly planted in your mind. There's a lot of psychology involved as well as emotion, quite a lethal combination

The thing is, in a way the OW and the wife have a lot in common, they are both being cheated on by the same man, both being conned and lied to. The OW has less right to complain about being the wronged woman though because she played her own part in it.

Anyway, I'm all for blaming the H. As far as I'm concerned the responsibility to stay loyal to me lies with him. I would be jealous of OW, curious of what she had that I hadn't BUT, I would not allow her to take away my self esteem,my confidence and my pride as well as my H!!

MacD, repeat after me.... The decision to divorce H is mine and mine alone, one that I am completely entitled to make without his approval, his permission or otheriwse. He lost all right to my consideration of him when he slept with OW. His feelings on the subject are not my concern just as my feelings were not his concern when he threw our marriage away by sleeping with OW. I owe that man nothing!!!

Don't you worry MacD, now I have your permission I will be giving you plenty of hard words and kicks up the bum!! The divorce is not necessarily final, it is the new you drawing a line under the old relationship. H has been bloody lucky so far, basically MacD he has had you for a mug, he has had his cake and eaten it. Now that ends. He now pays the price for his actions. It's been a long time coming.

I know how badly my H treated the OW - I spoke to her saw texts he sent her etc - and initially TBH I felt sorry for her (I am far too empathetic for my own good)....it was only later when she behaved in a totally demented bunny boiler way that I started to hate her - not justifying myself just explaining that I am not totally naive and I clearly see H is the one who destroyed our future...but she has acted in a way directly towards me that gives me grounds to despise her ....anyhow though I know that is not your point I need to get over both of them and get on with it....
and although I am slowly getting over my "need to win" I don't think that is the case with her I think she still sees me as competition and feels the need to prove she is better than me - honestly I don't want anything to do with her I really don't want to play games with her (and haven't for a long time)

oh TFM I have been saying almost exactly the same thing to myself over and over again since I made the solicitors appointment .....

Once again MacD please forgive me for this but, occasionally you have come across as a bit of a bunny boiler yourself Maybe she is feeling some of the pain you are feeling, maybe she feels destroyed by him too, only she too is projecting onto the wrong person. God! Bloody men! I bet he is bloody well loving having two women at each others throats over him, i bet it has been a massive boost to his ego, knowing he can do what he wants and still be allowed to come and go as he pleases! MacD, don't you just feel a little tiny bit of satisfaction that you ar going to wipe that smug grin off his face? that you are going to knock him right off his pedestal? I hope when you talk to your solicitor you are going to be talking about proper access arrangements too. i think that yes, the kids need to see him but you need to see as little as possible of him. You really do need some spave from him. As soon as he senses he is losing you he will turn on the charm and try and reel you in and, because you love him and you want a happy ending to all of this you will glady accept any crumbs of hope he throws at you. Please MacD, do not fall for it. Be prepared for the fact he will try to keep you onside, afterall, without you to depend on what has he got? he will try anything to convince you that you are doing the wrong thing but don't be fooled that it is for your benefit, it will be only for his. Just try to remember that nothing he has done has been for your benefit so he is certainly not going to start now!

Ooh I wish I was a fly on his wall, I would love to see his face when reality dawns, that he is dumped BIG TIME!

Just one question Macd, what is it you are scared of? With regard to him I mean, him and the divorce. Are you scared of hurting him? Are you scared it's one step too far and you may blow any chance of getting him back? When you have any doubts just take a look back over the past two years and ask yourself if what you have done has worked so far. Obviously it hasn;t or you would be well on your way to recovery now. So, it's time to change tac, it's time to take a different direction. You have nothing to lose but everything to gain. Even if you don;t gain your H back you will have gained a whole ew life for yourself as well as your confidence and self esteem xx

Just do not doubt yourself MacD, do not doubt that you are doing the right thing by divorcing him. If he wants you back then he will have to work for your love and respect, you are not just going to hand it over to him to win him back. It is his turn to try and win you back. The roles are about to reverse. You deserve so much better than the treatment you have had from him and you deserve so much better treatment from yourself. xx

As for winning MacD, you have won. You have two beautiful children by him, you don't need the booby prize!

I don't want to disagree with a word TFM has said, but just have to add that, assuming you're right and OW did go so far out of her way to be in your face, she is evidently not a very happy bunny (boiler) herself. You may be affected when she turns up, but she must have been really obsessing about you in advance. She seems to have some pathological need to have an impact on you. My guess is that, however you feel inside, you are already giving the impression of someone who is strong and coping, and that makes her feel like the dirt under your shoe that she genuinely is. She is not worth your concern, and she knows that she isn't. The only way she can feel important is by making someone else feel bad. You weren't wrong to feel a wee bit sorry for her, but she blew that the day she threatened your child. She is just totally pathetic. You are not - but she has you on the back foot at the moment.

Actually divorcing your H makes her worth even less. She fought so hard to get that man to herself - now you're saying he's not even worth having. Hoo-boy. Has she lost big-time. I just hope her poor baby manages to grow up like a decent human being despite its mother's psychosis.

TFM, slap me, I think I've blown your good work by dwelling on this. The mad bint is totally insignificant. MacD shouldn't even be thinking about her. But slagging off slags is so tempting...

McD hop your feeling better this am.

Well i am waiting for dp to get up am allowing him a fathers day lie in and then have to face him after i exploded last night.
Basically two years worth of inernalising it al topped off with all the recent problems we have had and the lck of sleep came tumbling out.
I am glad i did it but not sure where it leaves us at the minute as he said 'he had drawn a line under it' wish it was that easy for me!

AGYG No slaps on this thread, every opinion and view is valuable, it all gives an insight and another perspective HOWEVER, from now on I think we should concertrate on you yourself MacD. OW has claimed enough of your midspace, two years is a blooming long time. Whatever her motives, whether they be innocent or otherwise, is irrelevant now. You are moving forward with strength and gusto and nothing she does will change that. We are going to retrain your brain!

Awh Lily, I am so sorry to read your post. FWIW I always think you have done so well, you have picked yourself up and got on with it. Like you say, DH may well have drawn a line under it, it's easy for him, it was just sex on a plate, not it's over and not in front of him it's easy for him to forget it, especially when you have been so forgiving and gone ahead and rebuilt a happy relationship with him. Just remind him that it may only have amounted to a few hours of unemotional sex for him but for you it means a lifetime of hard work not to let the pain you feel as a result of it come between you. Remind him it is was memory you would rather not be carrying and a scar you wish your heart wasn't bearing but it is, thanks to him! So, he will just have to understand and tolerate your very rare outbursts!! End of! He can put that in his pipe and smoke it!

Happy Fathers Day to all the tossers who wouldn't be lucky enough to be fathers if it wasn't for the lovely women you have betrayed!!!

Well all is well in the TFM household anyway. Every day is Father's day in this house so today is going to be different, it's going to be Mother's day! I'm off out and leaving him him to it. Ooh, how i have changed!

Have a lovely day everyone xx

MacD I am thinking of you and I hope you feel better about things today. I really can understand how you feel and all of your concerns, I hope you understand that it's not that I don't empathise and I am not critisiing, I am just trying to instill some confidence in you. I will not encourage you to wallow or be a victim of H or OW. I am going to kick you firmly up the bum, right in the direction of the solicitors!
You will be absolutely fine, trust me on this, things can only get better!! xx

PS Lily, do you think that sometimes, reading posts like the ones on here at the moment and the advice being given stirs things up internally for you? Do you think it makes you question the way you handled things and wish you had done things differently? Just a thought You know where we are if you need to rant further xxx

Message withdrawn

Hi all I'm back

Dior, I think at the moment you are trapped in a vicious circle with your depression and your weight. It isn't easy to lose weight at the best of times, never mind when you are depressed as well.

As far as H is concerned, if he refuses to stop making these hurtful comments then you too are going to have to do some serious work on your self esteem so that they have less of an effect on you. Otherwise you are going to be trapped between your own negativity about yourself and his. Unfortunately, you can't control what comes out of his thoughtless mouth but you can control how you deal with it. I know, I know, it's easier said than done but, if you want to get better, if you want to lose weight then, you really do have to take positive steps towards recognising your own self worth.

You are going to have to get tough with yourself, in true Teabag style

Now you do know I am saying all this for your own good don't you? You do know I'm not meaning to sound harsh? I just soooooo want to get the Teabags all feeling good about themselves but I can't do it without your help! xxx

I'm slightly disadvantaged on this thread being a -gatecrasher- latecomer! However, I am aware that my status as a newly cheated on woman means that I am not able to be objective as I am still struggling to process my own emotions. Macdoodle's situation has affected me quite profoundly and I think (please don't be offended MD) it is because her h impregnanted the ow That was my worst case scenario when I discovered h had cheated and I think it would've been impossible for me to work things out with him if this had happened (esp. as I lost one last year). How lucky I am that h only wanted a casual fuck and that she was not a bunny boiler, just a female version of him

Dior - is your h trying to encourage or discourage you. You said he's intelligent, but he seems to lack emotional intelligence if you don't mind me saying. It's fairly obvious that making negative comments about your appearance is not going to help you to lose weight. I think TFM is right, but I don't know how you can build your self-esteem whilst you are living with him.

So why didn't the crossy out thing work then? Oh, doh - forgot to do two hyphens each side

TFM thanks it was good to get it all out and i did tell him that he should be thankful i was talking to him when i was unhappy and not hopping into bd with the nearest available bloke! This is how it went but i think i got my point across.
He really can't handle me needing some reassurance from him when it comes to this but i told him i am not going to deal with this on my own and he has to put more effort in. He questioned what he could do andi told him in no uncertain terms that was for him to do not for me to tell him.
Anyway when he got up kids all gave him there stuff and then he came up and gave me a hug and kiss and just said 'sorry'. He has been really attentive all day so it may have done some good. I know i feel better just getting it of my chest.
TFM yes i do think going on threads here does raise things for me and i am not sure whether that's a good thing or not?
Did you have nice 'mothers day ?'

Baffy / PC how was 'fathers day' for you two ?

McD how are you?

Dior sorry to hear things are getting worse between you and h , i am guessing the 'sister' comment was meant as a dig then ?

LL how are you coping with things at the minute? I completely agree though about the ow as in McD case i couldn't have coped with that.