Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

You are getting some harsh replies now OP, but don't think they're being nasty they are just livid on your behalf. You can't see the wood for the trees YET, but you will.

I agree with a pp, tell someone IRL You need to make it real by saying it out loud, see the look and shock (or maybe not) on their faces. You came on here posted for a reason, you know its not right, but we're just words on a page. Get it in the open, see how remorseful he is when he has to lie to other people too

He will be going on leave for 5 months from late August to late Jan. This means he won't see her during that time. I hope he will forget about her.

She's not the problem though, he is. You think he can't control himself!? Come on now, this is a man in perfect control of his actions, decisions and choices.

If you actually think he can't control himself then you need to divorce him, because you can't lock him in a chastity cage. But it would be better to accept that he can control himself, he is actively choosing to cheat on you. Why do you do readily believe his version of events when literally the only thing you actually know about him is that he is a dishonourable liar?

He may well love you, in a way, but he certainly doesn't respect you or think you are his equal or desire to be faithful to you. See a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row. Seek individual therapy. Leave him, build a life for yourself and don't look back. Organic stay and accept he will continue to cheat. Those are the available choices at this juncture unfortunately.

Why do you think he won't see her just because they won't be in the workplace?

If you're at work they can easily meet somewhere else

Unless they are only having sex at wok, your DH does not need to be in work to continue his affair. Also, if he is so weak as you have described, won't he just fall for the next 25 year old that enters in to his vicinity?

You need to tell someone in real life, someone that loves you, and take note of their anger for how you have been treated. This is what you should be feeling.

He's not weak. He just doesn't care about you.

Respectfully OP you need a right kick up the arse. Trying to find anyway to stay with him is just humiliating yourself.

Honey, he cheated on you. And now he's cheated again. Time to go. 5 months won't change anything, either he will see her while you're at work, or it'll be someone else down the line. I say this with love... Please respect yourself, find your dignity and move on. Easier said than done, I know.

The fact he came home smelling of her perfume shows how little he cares about you OP. He must be totally confident he can do just what he wants and you will still want him.

I agree with pp that he is biding his time to leave you when it will be financially advantageous to him. And he will shaft you financially as well as emotionally.

I think you have had so.e good advice on the thread about seeing a solicitor now. Not waiting. You should take the initiative and end the marriage now, for your own self respect and for your future welfare.

I'm hearing the song "Jolene..."

Would you consider confronting the OW? You have decided to stay with DH and try to make your marriage work, and I think you are well within your rights as a wife to track this girl down and have a word. Maybe it will be just what she needs to start looking for another job, though I wouldn't suggest to her that she should. Have a coffee, let her see that you are a human being, let her think about her part in all of this.

That being said, this OW is just one part of a much bigger problem with your DH.

He has an ongoing affair with a woman he 'loves' AND gets to have a nice long break as a reward?
He must be looking so forward to those long workfree days ahead whilst you're out earning the money and he has endless free time to spend doing the things he really wants to do 🙄

What exactly is it about him that you tell yourself you 'love'?
Is it his lack of respect for you?
His desire to continue sleeping with someone else?
The ease and willingness to lie to you? Or, if you are going to get technical as some kind of justification, the ease of which he keeps things from you?
The absence of true remorse in the way he continues to spend every day with his other 'love'? More time than with you, I'd say
Which is it? Or do you just lack the strength and the dignity you'd need to make him stop playing you like a fiddle? If you are happy to continue on, just own it. You know it's not his 'weakness' that's caused this. He does it, and likely always has, because you allow it 🤷‍♀️

He had an affair. He got found out. There have been no repercussions and he gets to fuck another woman while you cry at home. No, it isn't fixable because he doesn't want to fix it. He has a cushy life at home with a wife taking care of him and he gets to fuck someone young enough to be his daughter. He has no reason to stop fucking her because there are no consequences

Have you told your children? I know the big MN thing is don't, but your kids are old enough to know their dad is fucking someone almost their age. It can be quite the jolt to have your DC call you out on being this disgusting. Tell your friends and family. It is not a reflection on you but on how poor of a human he is.

Find your power and end things with this disgusting man. He does not love you. No man who does would do this to you. He is making you a fool.

I really feel for you, @Strawberrina . It’s easy for people to say, “He should just quit his job,” but if you stay together, you’ll both have to face the financial uncertainty that comes with him being unemployed. If he walks away from his role now, of course he may not be able to cover the bills, his pension could take a hit, and there’s no guarantee he’ll find another job.

But is that the actually the reality—or is it something you’re both holding onto? Is he using it as an excuse to stay close to the OW and avoid taking responsibility? And are you holding back because you’re afraid of how your financial situation might change?

It’s completely valid to feel angry that your financial stability could suffer because of his actions—actions that were not your fault. But that burden isn’t yours to carry—it’s his. He created this situation, and it’s up to him to fix it. As others have rightly said, he needs to face the consequences of his choices. Simply staying put isn’t good enough. You have every right to demand that he leave and come up with a plan to manage the mortgage—even if it affects his future career options. Those are the consequences.

The real decision you’re facing is this:

a) Continue enabling the affair by letting him stay in his job for the sake of financial security—even if you eventually separate, you may believe it’s better to do so while he’s still employed to secure a better settlement;
or
b) Demand he leave, and begin reshaping your life around a new role, early retirement, and potentially a lower / no income. And more likely, face divorce.

Because the reason you don’t want to push him to face consequences or even separate temporarily is because you’re caught in the “pick me” dance. You’re afraid that if he’s forced to choose, he won’t choose you.

But are you really willing to be your husbands second choice? Don’t you believe you deserve more after 25 years?

I’m calling bullshit on this thread. Rage bait.

"He cannot control himself"

No - he's manipulating a much younger, less experienced woman, who he is in a senior position to - and in charge of her career and progression - into sleeping with him. And lying to his wife about it.

He's horrific. She is NOT manipulating him. He's in a professional position of power above her, and if it was found out he would be sacked because it would be considered cohosion and an abuse of seniority.

Do not stay married to this man.

OP you have a LOT going for you and will be capable of a making a good future for yourself. You are obviously nice, loving, faithful and have a good job. Also your children are independent adults.
If I were you I would see a solicitor and get legal and financial advice so that you are prepared to walk on your own terms if you ever feel you want to. Also, sorry to be cynical but you now know your OH is sneaky and self-serving so do expect the unexpected.
I'm currently attempting reconciliation, but my OH confessed and the affair seems to have been linked with a bout of depression - he was drinking heavily too, and certainly not going the gym or dressing well, so it was the last thing I expected.
Although no-one knows what they will tolerate till something happens to them - the age gap and power dynamic of your DH and OW alone would probably be very difficult for me to get past.

You should have a read about the psychology of these kinds of relationships. At the moment you and the other woman are triangulated against one another, with him in the centre with both of your admiration being poured on him. Guaranteed if I was to ask the other woman about him she’d say ‘he’s a weak man. He loves me but can’t leave her. She’s manipulative and controlling’ Your situation is cliched, but cliches and cliches for a reason!

You seem to want to know if he’ll forget he loves her if he doesn’t see her for five months. Maybe he will and maybe he won’t. The question you should really be asking is why you think you’re worth so little to hang on to the hope that he will choose you - his wife and life partner - and not her. Seriously, take back control here and tell him to F off. Being single is better than being treated like you’re worthless

Hi OP. Sorry you’re going through this, it must be hard.

You’re hoping that things will fizzle out once he’s on leave but what about the three and a half months between now and August? Also, have you considered that once he’s off work he’ll be on his own at home, and can still see his lover when you’re working?

A final thought - if he loses his job, then things get even harder as he’ll be relying on you to support him financially. And it’d be tragic if you felt obliged to stay with him as he’d have no financial means of his own.

You sound lovely, OP. What do you get out of this marriage? Think about this carefully. There’s no going back ti the time before the affair and I think you know that.

There’s no reason why you should stick by him, especially as your children have moved out. It’s time for you to live your life!

Problem is even if you want to stay with him the chances of him not leaving you after all of this are slim. I suspect he is waiting until his break and will do it then.
If you don't respect yourself there is no way he is going to and by the sounds of it you are willing to have him on any terms and believe anything in order for that to happen
I feel incredibly sorry for you, must be devastating after 30 years but hes gone. Hes not even trying to hide it, like telling you he loved her romantically and you as a friend. You need to find your anger and pride

You sure he's not been suspended pending investigation for improper values and conduct @Strawberrina ?

I'm finding your martyrdom and naivety hard to understand. As a woman in her 50s. On mumsnet. Balance of probability says you're no stranger to reading here. You've posted this in Relationships, after all.

Don't lose your two houses, your savings and your mind for this shitstain of a liar.

You never said how you have two houses though, are they both yours?

Yeah I can’t understand she has a job her own income, kids grown up. who would stay at this point!?

August is still 3 months away. You can’t live like this. How do you know he is not getting his ducks in a row and is planning on leaving you in August and is taking the long service leave so he does not have to focus on work while getting a divorce?

If he was really sorry he would be putting things in place now, showing you how remorseful he really is.

Can people take it easy on the OP?

Many of us have been there and are now speaking with the benefit of experience, hindsight and having healed - to varying degrees.

OP has none of this and is still in shock and denial!

OP, I wouldn't believe a word your H says but I understand how desperately you want to right now.

Do you have anyone to confide in in real life?

Great, so to top it all off, he’s going on extended leave and will be unemployed and unemployable. Which means, it’s up to you to finance this cheaters life? After a few months of this he will be in a stronger position to claim that he needs more of the marital assets because he can’t get a job.

seriously, he is getting his ducks in a row to screw you financially while screwing her!

save yourself, get out. How can you still love him? He is treating you with utter contempt. He promised in his wedding vows not to cheat. He broke them and did not come clean. You found out, he once again promised it was over and would never happen again. He’s now admitted to kissing her after you figured it out. That is cheating, whether they have had sex again or not. Please, please, please find some respect for yourself as he certainly has none for you. Get angry!

OP, you have had great advice already. He will continue to cheat on you even during his leave. There are still 4 months till he is off. He will cheat then too. Stay if you want but know he will continue to have a relationship with OW. Leave and be free of it all. He does not respect or love you if he is able to do this.

My dad cheated on my mum through their entire marriage. I met a half sister for the first time that was 27 when I was 33. We asked her to leave him several times and she was miserable and unhappy during their marriage. I loved my dad but did not respect or like him very much.

@Ireolu

I'm not wanting to derail the thread but I'm genuinely interested in how you could love your Dad if you didn't respect him like him very much?

If there is no respect and he isn't a very nice man then what was there to love about him?

I feel for you. You’re a better woman than me as I’d have packed his bags and prioritised my mental health and pride! He loves somebody else OP - and he can’t resist them. The bottom line is until you can admit it to yourself that he really wants to be with her then you will accept this head wrecking behaviour