Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

He was apologetic and remorseful? No, he was just sorry he got caught. Again. He has done NOTHING to demonstrate to you that he is truly sorry - his actions tell you he is only thinking of himself and not of you or your relationship.

He is getting some time off work to reward his long service? Lucky him. Aren’t you just the tiniest bit concerned he might be planning to continue to see the OW when he has all that free time on his hands?

What are his plans for those 5 months? Has he suggested that you take time off to so you can go travelling together?

If he hasn't how would he react if you suggested it?

I have an awful feeling that just as you now feel sick when he leave for work when he's off work and at home you'll feel equally stressed when you leave for work. What's stopping him bringing her home into your bed while he's at work and meeting her elsewhere?

I'm so sorry he's taking advantage of your love for him - you deserve so much better

If you did decide to leave could you pay him out for his share of the home?

I have been wondering about you, @Strawberrina, and am troubled by your update. I’m sorry for your pain that your H is still inflicting.

As I feared, you have been in a false reconciliation — conned and further humiliated by this lying adulterer. He chose to throw his second chance into the gutter instead of treasuring it. He never intended to give up his new love, and still doesn’t.

Be aware that his crocodile tears and words of remorse are manipulative Script tactics. Rinse and repeat … you heard it all before on DDay1. His newest promises are actually shit sandwiches, like before. He knows how to play you to make you back down. He believes that you will set no consequences and he will suffer no ramifications for his utter degradation of you and your marriage.

Be aware that he is the driver of his affair. He is not the victim of a wiley woman and he is not a ‘stupid idiot’. He has the power as the superior who decided to have an illicit romance with his much younger junior staff and to keep it going at your expense. He has proven to be a master manipulator.

What is an actual dealbreaker for you, @Strawberrina? He has defiled your life with continued stolen agency, dishonesty, infidelity, mockery, potential STDs, and false reconciliation. He has acknowledged loving OW and has even brought her scent into your home. Still, no consequences. He will absolutely get together with her for cozy dates during his leave.

I suggest that you access IC to examine why you are willing to settle for such contempt and devaluation.

You need to move to Australia. It’s the norm there.

This is no way to live. The only thing he has done since you found out about the affair is to cheat on you again.

You sound like a anxious parent, ‘if it wasn’t for the bad influence of the OW your H would respect you’. Your marriage is broken, it can be fixed but not if you bury your head in the sand and allow him to act the victim.

I disagree that it can be fixed. You seem like your self worth is entirely dependent on him ‘choosing’ you over her, but he’s deliberately not chosen either of you so he can continue to have both as long as possible. You’re now being a willing participant in his theatre. He doesn’t love you, he loves the familiarity of you. If he did love you he’d have recognised how much he was hurting you and stopped doing it. Instead it has continued. I’m not even sure you’ll know how much it has continued because the only thing you know for certain is that he is a liar.

OP I wonder did you grow up feeling loved and respected? Was everything fine in your childhood? If by any chance you have unresolved childhood trauma that might be contributing to this, eg fear of abandonment etc, I can personally recommend EMDR therapy to move past it and therapy to raise your self esteem. Just a thought - apologies if it doesn’t apply.

@Feelthesunswarmth it's complicated. He passed away 3 years ago. He did the best he could with the tools he had. It's also cultural, unfortunately sometimes women in African culture (especially my mums generation) stay inspite of difficult/abusive behaviours from their spouse. He's the only dad I have. I never stopped loving him. We were all devastated by his passing. It's ultimately is what it is. I didn't understand it and as a result of it all I married out of my race/culture/religion. It has had an impact.

@Ireolu
Yes family relationships and feelings are complicated aren't they? And they cast such a long shadow on our lives.

I was curious because I didn't like my father and I didn't love him and he never showed me any love. In fact I didn't really count in his life. I just felt relief when he died.
However I must admit I couldnt help but respect the things he did outside the family home - he was active politically and also the profession he did helped other people. They were more important to him than his own family .

You sound such a kind person. I wish I had it in my heart to feel love for my father but I don't.

@Feelthesunswarmth parents have a massive impact on their children. We (mums kids) work intentionally to try not to make the same mistakes both our parents made with our children. I am sorry you had a difficult relationship with your dad. It sounds tough. I don't feel very kind alot of the time but thank you.

My dad paid for all his children's schooling but emotionally there was a disconnect with us. He didn't start saying (vocalising) he loved us till he was in his 70s, he died aged 82. He just didn't know how to express it and some of his stuff was alot. Liking him at specific points as such was hard.

Sorry once again OP to derail but please be aware of the impact betrayal has on your wider family.

He loves her? I couldn't accept this. And them working together every day? Unacceptable. This is an. untenable situation. Move on.

OP - he might have five months away from the workplace but that doesn’t mean he’s going to have five months away from her. He will carry on seeing her in some other way and he certainly won’t be forgetting about her.

I can't believe what I'm hearing OP. You don't even have young kids to tie you. You are only 50. Why are you putting up with this total shit show of a husband. He does not love you, despite what he tells you. Even with 5mths leave, he won't forget this other woman. You are firmly in denial. Wake up. Go see a lawyer and live your life free of this awful angst. There is more out there OP.

Who have you told so far ?

your parents,

your siblings,
his parents,
his siblings

and most

importantly your ( adult ) children

you are not covering up his nasty little secret for him - are you...

See, I’m not sure why you’ve bothered posting.
Your husband is a cheat, who has no intention of giving up his younger mistress, and you have no intention of imposing any consequences on him, let alone leaving.

So remind me. What are you asking and why?

Please be kind to OP
I’m going thru similar.
I was hardly functioning for the first few months after discovering - the absolute shock of it was a killer.
I would have put my life on the fact that my husband “was not the type, would never cheat”
OP has a lot to consider and some difficult decisions.
i genuinely wish you all the best OP with whatever road you take.
It hurts so, so much.

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend so sorry to hear that. I hope you find peace and can come to terms with it whatever you choose to do.

Can I ask, when you say ‘I would have put my life on the fact that my husband was not the type, would never cheat’ what do you mean by that?

Is this because they were so open with their devices, locations, had good boundaries with other women etc or more that they seemed like someone who had good values / told you what you wanted to hear? Just curious as I know this is said a lot and wondered what this means in reality.

Aww, poor little man just can’t help it can he?

ffs. It seems you just want to be a doormat and excuse his behaviour, so there’s not much anyone can do to help you until you decide to take action.

I think people are trying to give the OP a (helpful) shake, rather than being unkind.

She needs to find her anger to avoid being cheated on and hurt and disrespected again and again.

This is a difficult one to answer because the last 5 years have been awful for me (he distanced himself from me emotionally while he was with her) and now looking back ALL THE SIGNS were very much there (affair went on for 5 years)

Been together 30 years.
He’s a private man, although very social and popular in long established friendship groups and with work colleagues. I knew he gained strength when I was with him and we had some great fun together (even during those awful 5 years).
I believed him to have the same good values and morals as I have. Although he treated me bad for those 5 years, I still believed he very much loved and needed me.
He is at the top of his game at work, he’s charming and funny and very well liked and respected. As he became more established at work his confidence grew and he does enjoy the attention he gets.
However he lacks confidence in dealing with more simple day to day things eg. checking into hotels, dealing with workmen in the home, discussing things with doctors … I would take the lead on all the basic stuff.
He was open about his frequent “work socials”, would mostly tell me where and when he was going out after work. (These could be anything from once a fortnight to 3 times a week depending on events.)
I believed his colleagues to be mainly male. I have met and know a couple of his long established female colleagues and partners, who we both get on with very well. We’ve had family dinners with them. We were very close as couples with a few of his long established male colleagues and partners.
I hadn’t realised that he has been working “very closely” with 1 particular married female for 6 years whom I’ve never met. I call her “The Slut” (Although I absolutely do not blame her for my husband’s choice to cheat, I am entitled to this opinion. I have seen the 1000’s messages and pictures she sent my husband and her own husband told me she was a slag the day I called him to tell him of the affair. Apparently she’s gone from affair to affair for the last 20+ years)
He was not open with his phone, but I’d never queried that or asked him to look at it, I had never felt the need because I knew he was not capable of cheating !!
I had complained the last 3 years that he was always on his phone, I genuinely thought he was reading sporting updates, which he did do (and as I now know ….. a lot more also !!!)
I put his change in behaviour down to the effects of the meds he was taking for high BP.
He has ED which made him feel “less of a man” and I absolutely knew that he would never make himself vulnerable by sharing this information with anyone else.
I found out quite by accident.
Was told initially that it was an emotional affair.
I became detective.
It was sexual for 4 years.
He was taking Viagra.
He was indeed returning home from many of the events at the end of an evening ….after f@cking her in her hotel room at the end of the event and often returning to her hotel the next morning on his way into work. (She attended a number of the events)
It hurts so bad.
He’s now fighting very hard for the marriage. Given me access to all his passwords. Stopped socials after work. Calls me numerous times a day. She mostly WFH now (they don’t speak/ communicate unless absolutely necessary thru email).
We go out and away, very regularly together. He’s showing remorse and putting in a lot of effort.
Waiting to start couples therapy.
Knowing the details, sometimes it’s just too much hurt for me to try to deal with and I consider splitting. Time will tell.

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend Thank you for your insight. What an awful thing to do to you and for five years!!!

Sounds as though he is deeply insecure and was addicted to the attention she gave him. And I can see why you wouldn’t suspect anything when he was coming home to you at the end of the night.

I hope her husband showed her the door! I’m glad your H is remorseful and is doing everything to try and regain your trust (as he should!). What an idiot to ruin what sounds like a very happy marriage over a cheap shag at the end of the night.

I don’t think he deserves to be forgiven due to the length of time he let it go on for but if you choose to forgive I hope couples therapy will help you. Sounds like he needs individual therapy too to work out how and why he could be so deceitful for such a long time to someone he loves.

Your observations are spot on and thank you for your kind words. I was expecting to be berated for even considering trying to make a go of it.
I don’t know that I ever will forgive him.
I can’t think about forgiving just yet.
I was starved of love, attention, affection and respect for so long, it feels great now to have that in abundance, however I am triggered many times a day. Even the good things trigger me, knowing I missed out on the basics for 5 years.
I am a changed person, I don’t like how I am presenting at the moment. He is having a very hard time of it (understandably).
Yes I am totally obsessed with the details and when triggered (regularly), I throw all the dirty, filthy, lying cheating details back at him. I am hurting badly.
The marriage wasn’t perfect 5 years ago but with a bit more effort from him it could have still been very happy. We have a stressful home life, we have a disabled daughter and it’s not easy.
I was asked a number of years ago by a family member if he was having an affair. It was so very obvious the distance that he’d put between us. I absolutely knew he wasn't having an affair tho (😂 😢)
Turned out her husband found out about the affair 3 years ago. He was totally reassured that it had finished!!!! Yes, he’s kicked her out this time.

I really struggle knowing that despite all the remorse and regret, and all the effort he’s putting in (so much effort, I didn’t ever think he was even capable of). At the end of the day, he is still that person that made all those choices to lie, cheat, look me and our children in the face when he returned home from f@cking her.
I despise what he’s done. He is that person and I hate knowing that he was capable of such things. Despite now showing me my “best life”, I don’t know how it will pan out. It’s a complete head f@ck.
The night I found out, he had returned home from an event.
I commented to my daughter “Oh look how handsome dad looks tonight in his new jacket”, we all 3 had a giggle about it. What I didn’t know at that moment was that he’d returned home from an event AND a hotel f@ck. Makes me feel utterly sick 🤮🤮🤮

Hindsight and distance is a wonderful thing - but the boiled frog analogy is so true. It’s very hard to gain perspective when you’re living in the day to day and have complete trust in someone, he’d had 25 years building that trust. I think it’s very brave to keep trying, it takes courage to redraw boundaries, often in the face of judgment from others and a lot of self belief and self assurance that you’re not a pushover or a doormat because you’re rebuilding.

How did you find out? What’s he doing to redeem himself? How are you caring for yourself through this?

I hope whatever the outcome, you come out stronger and with your integrity and self respect intact.☀️

@Iwillcomeouttheotherend I find it hard to compute how he now feels such regret and remorse but didn’t feel that way for five years. And if he claims to have felt awful about what he was doing why live with that guilt for so long? Surely that would have taken away from his life not added to it? The more logical conclusion is he didn’t feel bad but now there may be consequences he feels bad for himself.

Your relative’s husband found out about the affair and that wasn’t enough of a wake up call. I would be questioning whether it was the relationship itself he now wanted to save or just the logistics of divorcing he wants to avoid I.e. losing half his assets and pensions etc and having CM payments.

What work has he done to change as a person? Because this isn’t about you. You are not the problem.

I would ask him to put his money where his mouth is. Do a postnuptial agreement that gives you the house in a divorce. It’s a guarantee if he ever leaves you or cheats again you are in a good place financially. Show him real consequence of his actions. If it’s you he values he can make himself financially vulnerable. After all isn’t that what we do as women when we make career decisions to suit our families rather than look out for ourselves??

Really hope it works out for you in whatever capacity that is. Grieving a relationship takes time and sometimes that’s done within the relationship. You can’t put a price on peace of mind.

This just doesn’t sound happy. And do you know what, why would it be? You’ve had to accept a relationship with someone who has shown you he could treat you with contempt, disregard, disrespect - for five whole years. Can he make up for that? Maybe if there are other benefits like lifestyle, companionship, etc you can look past it, but I doubt you’re ever truly content and at peace ever again. A high price.