Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@TheHouseElf yes, you are right. I shouldn't be making excuses for him and tolerating this treatment.

I'm not sure why you posted when you will accept the humiliation and anything your husband tells you. You obviously have no self worth even though you are the main earner at the moment. You will never really trust him again, but are happy to accept his crumbs. Perhaps stand up for yourself and grow a backbone.

@Strawberrina - your husband is not an animal. Of course he can control himself. He’s choosing not to. It may feel easier in the short-term to make excuses for your husband but you’ve already tried that; it’s not worked; he’s continuing to cause you pain and anguish. Take your power back. Stop letting him control the narrative.

@Strawberrina I think I was more making a point about the balance of power - I think it's very unpleasant for a grown man to suggest he is 'weak' in the face of a 'manipulative woman - when that woman is much, much younger and junior to him at work.

I fear you are not wanting to consider the far more likely scenario - that he is manipulating a junior colleage as he is manipulating you.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, it's terrible - but you're an idiot to keep giving him chances and let him get away with it.

Maybe he does love you, but he doesn't love you enough to not cheat and lie.

You may think your husband is weak
he is also a cheat and a liar

I would have the divorce begun and the financial side of it sorted whilst he is still employed in the great job !!!

'At this stage, we do not know whether he will be returning to work next year or not - depends also whether the OW still works in the office. On one hand, I, of course, would like him to return to work due to the salary he brings. If he doesn't return, he will be unemployed, we will be relying on my salary only, and new job isn't easy to find at his age (he is in the late 50s). '

oh he knows if he plans to return or not, and he knows right now she will be still be there or not - why wouldn't she ?!!!

as for moving house for a new job, the house is likely to be sold upon divorce unless one of you can afford to buy the other one out ?

this is your opportunity to ' get your ducks in a row '

don't forget, he may decide not to take this bonus of x months off due to working there for 10 years - I suggest there may be a cash alternative ?

what is he planning to do for that 6 months ?!!! there is only so much gardening or golf one can do

and as you work full time you wont be going on holidays with him...

I agree that this time off won’t help. He’ll be bored at home thinking he would rather be at work flirting and kissing her. People have affairs because they are looking for a thrill. What he is doing will be the opposite of that. They live in the same town and can easily meet if they want to. If anything it’s more likely that he will get so frustrated he will leave you in this scenario.

Best advice is to kick him out/ leave. Speak to a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. If he wants to chase you he will. But make him work for it. If he doesn’t chase you and make you truly believe he wants you (and it’s not that he just can’t be bothered with divorce) then at least you know that your relationship was not important enough to him. You will be ok in that scenario. You won’t be ok with constant anxiety that he is having an affair and will leave you.

For what it’s worth it’s unlikely that their relationship would work out. She probably wants a family. He’ll be retiring in a decade and half his fortune and pension will have gone on his divorce. Once the allure of an older and successful man has worn off and she’s washing his underwear and having to deal with his health problems she’ll be wishing she didn’t tie herself to him. He doesn’t love her, because he doesn’t know her just her work persona! But he thinks he does and that is enough to walk away.

OP, it is unlikely that he is weak with no self control. The truth is he didn’t WANT to control himself. He WANTED to have sex with a pretty woman 25 years younger than him. The main problem is his selfishness. That’s in his character. The OW could leave and never come back but it won’t change his selfishness. So the same thing could happen again. At the very least he should have signed up to therapy - to work on himself after this revelation.

@Strawberrina realisticly the affair never ended. The flirting and little looks and comments in the workplace continued. Until you caught him out yet again.

I doubt she was the first. How many other women has he flirted with.

when he retires and gets a hobby or volunteers somewhere you’ll have the same worries all over again

Good luck

Can't believe what I've just read. Oh well, there's one born every minute I guess.

@ginasevern Sorry, what do you mean?

He’s lied twice now and probably more! Have more respect for yourself.

It means that you are very gullible to believe your husband's version of events. He has continually lied to you and will still be working closely with the OW but you still think that you can trust him not to be unfaithful again.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this but you really do need to find your anger. Your ‘D’H is treating you appallingly, has an affair, and then has the cheek to blame the OW! I can’t imagine that even if he takes a career break that he won’t speak to her or see her, especially if he’s told you he loves her.
I appreciate you’ve been together a long time and the thought of splitting must be scary, but he is treating you like a fool and it sounds like it won’t be long before he either re starts the affair, or has another with someone else.

I mean - your DH has cheated on you at least twice, he's lied to your face, broken every promise he made and he's told you he actually loves someone else! If you think 5 months off work is going to make this go away, you are either seriously deluded or deliberately lying to yourself. I don't know another woman of normal intelligence that would let themselves be so utterly humliliated. He's getting all the comforts of home plus happy shags with a 30 year old. Of course he's going to see her during that 5 months. Wake up and smell the coffee.

@Strawberrina there will always be another woman. Your H doesn't respect you or your marriage vows. He only cares about himself, his ego and his dick. All him being away from work and the other woman will do is give him all the free time in the world to fuck other women in your house while your at work. You can't trust this dude to go to work and not be shagging. He will take the opportunity as and when it arises. You need to decide of your going to let him get away with it and continue to get away with it. I get that yes done a number of your self esteem but you really need to get angry and get some self respect.

Also I think society does such a disservice to women, making us believe we have to stand by our man, through thick and thin, through cheating and abuse, for all eternity like it’s some kind of honorable thing. I think learning to love ourselves is the honorable thing OP. You may be terrified of contemplating a life without him but in a few years you could be at peace and happy again.

Leave him. There is no coming back from an affair.

I don't even know how you could look at it in the eye again never mind share a bed with it again.

disgusting man. Stop being a doormat.

Op, you have had a lot of on point responses.

I would just add: leave him, legally separate before he loses his job , as he should for sleeping with a junior employee. He is not going to forget this woman easily; your marriage is not ‘safe ‘

You need to do right by you. If I understand you, you have two houses, and a good job yourself. You do not need his income. But, if he does not work, he will need yours. So get this sorted before it comes to that.

I am so sorry that you are in this position, but I have seen it many times. I am always happy to see the wife move on and blossom without the cheating husband holding her back.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you really need to give your head a wobble.

Your husband has made a choice to cheat on you. After being caught once and professing to be sorry, he then did the same again. Tells you he’s sorry again and you forgive him again. There will be a next time, he knows you’re a pushover.

@Strawberrina perhaps your husband can use the 5 months off work to find somewhere else to live so you no longer have to service his household needs such as laundry, cooking, housework whilst he lies to your face and continues to betray you.

He tells you but he could just as well be leaving parts out that he knows would show him in a bad light.

I'm never one to scream LTB but you've forgiven him once and he did it again, don't make the same mistake again. He is showing you who he is, you will never have peace with him.

You deserve better. You are worthy of being the only person that someone loves. Please don't do this to yourself, you are only going to be in for a world of hurt over and over again.

Even if he doesn't work with this woman again, there are other women. What's happening when they "come onto him"?

Please, see sense.

OP, this sounds like a real mess. Your H has continually lied to you, he hasn't lifted a finger to try and right HIS wrongs or work on the marriage. He seems to be paying just lip service. You seem to be grasping around for anything that means the heat is taken off him (i.e. "my H is weak, has no control....OW is manipulative etc"). I think you're trying to look for anything at all, any hope to try and save this marriage.

I honestly mean this kindly...he's treating you with contempt. He's treating you - the woman that he swore to love, honour and be faithful to - like absolute shit. From what you've said, it looks like you're pinning hope on him not seeing OW at all during this 5months of leave and therefore he'll forget about her. But how do you know that he'll not sneak out and see her? Or message her/be in contact with her? Or sneak off and find someone else? I don't think that you will find peace of mind with this man. The worry of what he is doing and with whom will not go away and I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.

Can marriages/relationships survive infidelity? I know of two marriages which have: both couples are good, very long term, friends of mine. In both cases, the guy in each couple had had an affair with an OW, but the guy had confessed (not left it for the spouse to find out). Both guys did the work needed to get their relationships back on track: that included changing jobs, moving, counselling and being completely honest with their spouses (and also with family and friends). They both ran the gauntlet and did whatever it took. They also did this knowing that at any point, their spouses could end things. As friends looking in on these situations, these guys would have been the last ones on the planet that we'd ever assume would cheat, and we were shocked by it. But the guys were open, upfront, blamed no one but themselves and did everything they could to try and resolve things.

My marriage didn't survive infidelity (but it was on the rocks anyway due to XH's other behaviours - finding out about him and OW was the nail in the coffin). I filed for divorce and didn't budge on it, not even when XH tried to come crawling back when he and OW split. What I can promise you though, is that if you don't have trust or peace within your relationship, then it is a stressful, miserable and very lonely place to be. I became a shadow of my former self, and I made myself ill: I thought I was going insane from all the gaslighting and shit. I miss the man I married (not the one he turned into!) but I would rather stay single forever than even risk having my peace of mind affected by another situation like the one I was in. The calm and peace I have enjoyed in the years since my marriage ended is priceless, and life is good (I'm a single parent with 2DC). Please look after yourself, at least get some legal advice so you have a better idea of things and can make some informed choices. I wish you lots of luck

Both of those things can be true about you while also flailing around trying to save your marriage with the man you love and you thought loved you.

As I said in my pp, he's shown you who he is. Don't let him do it again. Be the strong, independent, self sufficient woman you know you can be.

Ignore the harsher replies OP. You are a loving wife who is desperately trying to save her marriage and probably in denial. I imagine you will be clinging to any tiny glimmer of hope that allows this all to have been a terrible mistake. Allow yourself the 5 months with your husband at home if that’s what you need to stay sane. However, unfortunately firm experience, your husband will say whatever it takes to save himself. He might mean what he says in the moment, but this is a man living two totally different lives.

affairs thrive in secrecy, tell his and your family and friends.