Oh, OP, you sound in a complete mess.
I think you know you are in denial - which is why you keep posting here.
Im a similar age and have been with my DH a similar amount of time. I can understand what a kick in the head that would be if everything I thought I knew was shattered like this. My whole foundation and life. I do think I would react differently but of course you cannot know until you are in this yourself.
Two things stand out for me OP. Your posts read as very low energy/ passive. I appreciate this situation may have kicked confidence out of you but I wonder - have you always had low confidence? Have you always left decision making to him? In this situation he has been calling the shots: has this always been the case in your marriage? Because this feels to me a big part of why you are kind of paralysed in this situation. And perhaps why you are posting here. Do you have friends? Real friendships, not acquaintances? I can see if he has been your anchor and main confidante that you would be utterly lost without anyone else to speak to. I don’t mean this in a disparaging way, but it’s almost like without him to lean into you don’t know what to think. Has he always been a key influence in you figuring out what you think and feel?
in my opinion - if this is the case - that is a huge reason why speaking to someone in professional services and counselling would help you find your own foundations. Are you reluctant to do this because of the nature of his work? You read as quite isolated and I feel you really need this outside support to build yourself up. I’m also concerned by how little thought you seem to be giving to protecting yourself. You don’t need to answer me but I think you should give practical thought to what your financial situation would be if he suddenly left you.
The second thing is the staggering lack of meaningful effort by your husband to do anything at all to put anything right beyond a few half-hearted pats on the head.
He won’t find another job if he never applies will he? Pretends to end the affair but keeps it going.
Doesn’t want you to do anything to rock the boat. Doesnt want to do counselling because it’s not his thing. I can promise you one cast iron thing is that my husband would have zero choice in whether or not he attended counselling or not if he caused a problem of this magnitude in our marriage.
i have read all of your posts and the thing that hits me between the eyes is the staggering lack of effort to save his marriage or appreciate the pain he’s caused you.
He sounds like the laziest, most entitled, ambivalent arsehole who is riding the train as far as he can, for as little effort as he can, shagging who he can until his luck runs out. Which it will.
I can understand not wanting to “throw away” the nice life you have. But you do know this comfortable lifestyle is going to come crashing down when he eventually gets reported by colleagues or her and he gets paid off, right? If he had any sense he’d be looking to get out of that firm and get another even position if it’s lesser paid whilst he still can be employed in any capacity anywhere. The fact he won’t makes me suspect he’s got a reputation - maybe as an insufferable, complacent, entitled sleaze who is beyond lucky to have got where he is by sitting it out. He doesn’t sound like the kind who puts his back into his work - or anything.
Had his complacency rubbed off on you? I don’t hear anything about your own expectations. Nothing about why his behaviour isn’t good enough for you. You speak about hoping he’ll take this 5 Month sabbatical and forget all about her and then your marriage will instantly snap back to being wonderful. This is called magical thinking. Or a dream.
All marriages need more than crossed fingers to survive and marriages where deception and lies such as his need more structural engineering than most. Your husband’s equivalent to fighting to save it amounts to doing a bit more washing up than before (which was fuck all.) What does he actually bring to this marriage besides a big pay cheque? You could house share with a high earner and not have this anxiety, uncertainty or disrespect.
You sound sad and resigned to live out your marriage like this to a lazy, irresponsible and arrogant liar.
I hope I’m wrong but I can’t see how this whole thing isn’t on rails. I really hope you will at least head the pages of MN advice to get some professional advice so you aren’t still stuck in the headlights without a clue when your husband’s train wreck finally hits. Please also confide in someone trustworthy IRL who isn’t your lying self-serving OH. Sending you much-needed strength OP. I’m not telling you to LTB - because I don’t think you will. But I DO want you to find yourself.
good luck