Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

This is getting silly now.

If this is real, and that’s a big IF, I promise you, more than 5 people know about this affair.

I would assume that everyone in the office knows for a start. Given your DH’s age, I assume he is a partner of a small practice. Everyone in the office will know he is shagging one of his associates. Plus all her friends will know. Court clerks etc will probably know too.

Why on earth are you so focused on where this woman is driving and not where your DH is putting his penis??

Surely for you to get a restraining order, this woman would need to be guilty of harassment? Has she ever contacted you directly? Made any threats? Just driving down your street wouldn't be considered to be harassment so you would have no chance of being granted a restraining order.

You need to either accept that your husband won't leave his job and will continue to have contact with the other woman, or you need to end your marriage. It is crystal clear that his behaviour will not change and why would it? He knows that you will never leave.

Yeah, that would be a deal breaker for me.

I'm pretty sure that other people in the office will know. Affairs between colleagues, particularly where the affair is between a manager and their subordinate, are pretty much always common knowledge. She has probably confided in some of her colleagues.

Goodness gracious me !

You WANT to waste police time and get a restraining order over a lady driving down your street ?!!!

WOW !!!

What is your next bat shit idea / plan ?

I have a suggestion for you...

How about getting your ' ducks in a row ' and divorce your cheating husband ?!!!

and

' The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. '

maybe just maybe it is time your cheating husband got a job in another town or wait for it even a city.

People do commute you know...

and you also know that surely someone with all this wonderful experience would be snapped up by another company in another town...

NC for this thread.

I haven’t read the full thread so excuse me if someone has mentioned this already:

Had it occurred to you that possibly the reason your husband gives you free access to his phone is that he has another one for communicating with the OW? He is a criminal lawyer, he knows how to hide phones (and the money to pay for them).

OP, how far would your salary stretch if it were for you alone?

I am really sorry this is happening to you, you sound like a nice, loving person. But far too trusting. And you deserve better🌺

Why have you NC’d for this thread?

OMG, are you the other woman?! 👀

@Bumblebeestiltskin your original post said the ‘whole town’ was laughing at her, that’s what I’m addressing, the post above, the fact that you inferred she is a public laughing stock, not the advice on this thread. I made no comment on that.
I’m not discussing the thread in my earlier reply to you because you weren’t either. I’m also presuming that the ‘whole town’ aren’t on MN so don’t know the advice she’s had here.
I’m not judging her choices, I prefer to offer advice and then it’s up to OPs whether it resonates or not. What @Strawberrina chooses to do is up to her, no matter what the rest of us think. We can all, me included, choose to leave the thread at any time if we get frustrated with her choices. I’ve never found belittling and shaming people of any help to them, it probably makes a terrible situation feel far worse and adds to the humiliation already suffered. It’s what stops MN being a safe place to ask for help. Telling the tough truth that needs to be faced kindly is one thing, but shaming posters is quite another. I could make “OW defence” and “betrayed women who want to save their marriage” bingo cards for the name calling and shaming phrases on threads like these, I’ve seen it play out so many times. I’m actually not sure which is viewed as worse behaviour on MN, sleeping with somebody else’s husband or wanting to try reconciliation with a man who cheated.
One thing on the thread I will comment on though is that the fact that the OW is driving repeatedly past OP’s house when she hasn’t before now, doesn’t suggest she’s just off to Tesco’s. Harassment and stalking is an offence.

Haha. No, I have never been involved with a married man. I have been happily married for a long time.

I surprised myself with this train of thought, that’s all. Very unlike my usual MN persona

Damn, thought we were in for an exciting thread twist for a moment!

@Thewookiemustgo

One thing on the thread I will comment on though is that the fact that the OW is driving repeatedly past OP’s house when she hasn’t before now, doesn’t suggest she’s just off to Tesco’s. Harassment and stalking is an offence.

No one knows whether or not she has driven down this street before, she may live round the corner? Or have family or friends or dog sitter or whoever round the corner.

At the start of this thread OP didn’t even know what she looked like as she said she is “apparently pretty”. OP is now on high alert, knows who the OW is, what she looks like and what car she drives. She is probably only just noticing her now.

The OW doesn’t need to drive down the street just to catch a glimpse of the DH. She is with him all day every day in the office.

And I stand by my opinion that, while her husband is the one to blame (plus the OW), she's making herself a laughing stock with her behaviour following the affair.

If you are at the point where you are thinking of getting a restraining order for her driving in your road why don’t you just talk to her. I’m sure her perception of the situation would be very enlightening. Either

a) she’s completely delusional, your H has ended it and she can’t accept it so is actively stalking you.

b) she believes he is going to end it with you and is waiting for the ‘right time’ and is purposely driving past to corroborate his story.

c) he’s ended it, she isn’t bothered and just happens to be using that route.

Not saying that she will tell you the truth but it would be interesting to see what her version of events are. By keeping you apart he’s able to set the narrative.

He talked you out of it?

And he’s a criminal lawyer? And he couldn’t possibly get a job somewhere else? Where do you live, Sandford in Hot Fuzz?

Jesus Christ. I’m really starting to doubt this is real now. Either that or the OP knows she’s being utterly played and manipulated and is putting it here because she can’t bear the idea of ending her marriage.

On the off chance this is real, your husband is making an utter, utter fool out of you @Strawberrina.

No way would they both still be working together, either she leaves , he does or it’s over.

I did clearly say if she’s never done it before, which would be suspicious. My friend had her ex partner’s OW suddenly start driving past her house, she lived a few miles away in the same town but had never been seen by my friend there before. It turned into parking outside on the road and staring up at the windows from the car, grinning if my friend looked to see who it was, even after she had thrown him out. It actually did become a restraining order necessity. Her ex partner had ended the affair and that’s when the drive-bys started, even though they worked in the same place and she saw him every day. It was never about seeing him, it was about harassing her. It started small then got weird very fast. I prefer to take OPs word for it that she now knows who it is and what she looks like. Precisely because the OW sees her DH in the office every day and has started to drive past the house regularly is what would make me question how innocent it is. There is clearly according to OP no material need to do it and it’s exactly what started happening to my friend, hence my advice.

And trust me, if you’ve ever been cheated on, to be on high alert for things of any kind feeling odd is the understatement of the year, even if you decide to leave. Betrayal trauma affects those who go as well as those who stay. OP has to check she’s responding from evidence and not hyper sensitivity, but if she has evidence of new unnecessary behaviour from the OW I’d trust it. Some OW can turn odd or even nasty when the affair doesn’t end in their favour.

@Bumblebeestiltskin and of course you’re absolutely entitled to your opinion, as am I. It wasn’t your opinion I was commenting on, of course you’re perfectly entitled to it and to say it here.
I just don’t see it as kind or helpful to a woman in a crisis. That was my point.

None of these updates, OP, convince me that situation is improving. In fact, it seems to be getting worse with an escalation in the OWs behaviour- by repeatedly driving down your street (to see what’s going on, to see if his car is at home?). And what if she suddenly announces she’s pregnant- the age old trick to capture a partner for good by those who have no morals.

You’ll never have peace of mind (or respect) if you stay with this man. His whole workplace will know and probably quite a lot of associates. There’s only one option for you … chuck him out now. Get some support and counselling. What an awful situation for you - I wish you all the best

If she's genuinely harassing you, and that is a big "if", your husband has no right to talk you out of it. It will be yesterday's news soon enough. He made his bed and he needs to own it.
No-one will be laughing at you, it's unfortunately very common for people to have affairs and they do often turn sour. Many people will have been through it and may even offer you support.

He's protecting his woman, who he loves. And sadly, I'm not talking about you.

You need to grow a bloody spine OP!

You do know that everything he is saying is completely made up. He is making a fool
out of you. The mother of his children.

Thank you @kingprawnspaghetti. I have no idea why she has been driving down our street, she lives on the other side of town. As far as I can see, it is completely unnecessary for her to do that.
H did talk to her the day after about not driving down our street anymore.

NO HE DID NOT TALK TO HER.

HE IS LYING ANOUT EVERYTHING.

EVERYTHING

EVERYTHING

@Isthiswhatmenthink yes, he talked me out of it.

He can get a job elsewhere, but this would require relocating. He has about 20 years of experience and is on a decent salary - I doubt that he will be able to find a similar job, seniority and pay-wise, in our small town. I work at a local university as a lecturer.