Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

This just goes to show how destructive affairs are for all involved.
When my husband had an affair, he claimed to be confused up until the point I told him to leave if he didn't know what he wanted. It took him 3 days to end the affair and ask to come home.
His ap sent long soppy messages declaring love and begging him to choose her. That didn't leave him feeling torn it left him panicked that she was going to continue to be an issue for him going forward and create more difficulty with rebuilding our marriage.
In the cold light of day She didn't mean anything and he was terrified to lose his family. He never spoke to her again.
But that experience hurt me more than anything I've ever been through. It hurt my husband, and I'm sure it hurt the silly young woman who thought, like you, she'd found true love.
Did you feel it was worth all the damage? Do you not have any empathy for his 'scorned wife'?
What you had wasn't real, it wasn't tested by all the hard parts of life, cemented in the mundane day to day. He saw only the best of you and knew all the worst of his wife and he still chose her. For your own sake you need to let the fantasy go.

You seem to have a remarkably romanticised view of yourself and this bloke as star-crossed lovers who are meant to be together but whom fate is cruelly keeping apart in the person of his 'scorned wife' (FFS, are you visiting us from the 19th century?). This bloke isn't an object who can be kept under lock and key, desperate to contact you and be with you but unable to. He's a person with agency, and he chose his marriage over his affair with you. That's it. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. If he wanted to contact you and start things up again, he would. It'd be more difficult than it was before, sure, given that his wife knows and will be more suspicious and wary, but it's never impossible. He's not being 'forced', it's his choice.

In some ways, you're like the OP of this thread, putting all the blame on and aiming your anger at the other woman in the triangle rather than on the cheating bloke where it belongs.

Your affair wasn't some wonderfully romantic love story for the ages. You shagged a cheating lying bloke who'd made vows to another woman, he got found out, he chose his wife and to save his marriage, and he dumped you. That's it. It's not romantic, it's just sordid.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne In hindsight, I should have also told H to move out when I first found out about the affair last November. But I didn't.
As many posters have said, they were no (or very few) consequences for him and how I gave him a green light to continue the affair.

What is your take on the OW driving down our street for no apparent reason and when she lives on the other side of town?

Telling him to leave was the best thing for me in feeling I still had control of my life and also for our marriage. There's no choice to make when he can have both.
I have been thinking about her driving down your street. My conclusion is he's lying to her and she is checking up. I'm guessing he's told her some version of your marriage is over. He's told you but he can't leave as you're unstable / still have to work out house stuff or some tale like that. She doubts his version and so is snooping about to check.
I also wonder if she's threatened to create trouble at work for him.

She can drive where she wants when she wants. She's probably trying to see if whatever lies he is telling her are true or not.

@VicksJunkie first affair.

It’s not too late to tell him to move out.
She’s driving up your street because they’ve still got an emotional if not physical relationship going on, and he’s lying to her about the state of your relationship, so she’s trying to see for herself whether he’s also playing her. I’m sure he’s told her he’ll leave you for her when the time is right and you’re more ‘stable’ or whatever.
It sounds like she might feel a bit the woman scorned and might mess things up for him at work.
Another reason he’s possibly unprepared to end things with her. At the moment you’re letting him have everything. Take something away so he has to face the consequences of his actions - the only thing you have control over in this situation is yourself. So take that out of the equation.

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Don't get me wrong, there are other law firms in our town. Not many, but there are a few other law firms. As far as I know, none are looking for a new senior criminal lawyer.

@Strawberrina if they need a criminal lawyer at any level he should take it. If he has to go back to being a ‘grunt’ for a while he should do it if he really wants to save the marriage.
It’s not your fault he has to leave this job, don’t feel guilty telling him (for what is probably the first time in your marriage) what he has to do re his job. He’d still be able to stay there if he hadn’t shagged a colleague. He pooped on his own patch and has to leave.
He leaves it because he needs to DO, not SAY, something concrete which shows he’s serious about going NC with OW. His word is of no value, promises all mean nothing, actions now are needed.
The five months’ leave is absolutely useless as a deterrent and leaving his job is also useless as a deterrent, these days if people want to contact each other secretly it easy peasy. Leaving his job is a big open action to back up “I’m done with the situation with her” to show you he means it. Don’t confuse demonstrating change and purpose with a deterrent, you’ll never deter two people who want to be together, they’ll get round the obstacles and still do it. The leaving his job shows OW he’s seriously done, shows you he’d rather save his marriage with you and do anything to prove that rather than see her every day. Demonstration of purpose, backing up of word, not deterrent.

Can you explain why you are so desperate to remain in this marriage where he has cheated and failed to really make amends to put your mind at ease? You have said that you are a lecturer at the local university so you are obviously intelligent, educated and employed in a professional role. I would imagine that even if you separate/divorce, you will both be able to be financially comfortable and secure. Your children are older and don't live at home any more so you wouldn't have the gut wrenching experience of sorting out the child access arrangements for small children.

I honestly believe that if you separated, it would be like a huge weight lifting from your shoulders. You would get your self-respect back and the niggling insecurities that you must feel every day when he goes to work (and will continue to feel even when he takes his long period of leave) will disappear.

You know he is still lying to you and that he still has feelings for the other woman. You have a job and a life and you deserve much better than him.

@thepariscrimefiles you’ve nailed the question OP needs to honestly ask herself and even more honestly answer.
Without radical change, what are the reasons for staying?
“Why are you so desperate to stay in this marriage?” is spot on.
I think that’s also why so many posters are losing patience and sympathy with OP. This question had never really been fully answered here, either.

Why does he have to get a job in your town? He is capable of commuting I’m guessing?
He’s given crap excuses every time. If he truly wanted to save your marriage he would be on his knees, he would have quit his job and actively pursued another job even if it meant a different town… he doesn’t want to do anything or change anything. To me, I’m sorry to say, that speaks volumes. He doesn’t care about you enough to put your requests first.
I would contact the police about the OW and tell him to stop controlling you with his refusal to make changes. This is not going to end well. I hope you can see that your happiness isn’t in this marriage anymore and he really REALLY doesn’t deserve any part of you.

Surely the reason the Op is not divorcing her lying cheating husband is financial - she does not want to support herself on her salary, having his salary contributes to a nicer lifestyle for them both, there is two properties and she doesn't want to lose ownership of one of them.

The Op says ' I'm desperately trying to keep my family together ' but there isn't actually any ' family ' to keep together as both the ADULT sons have moved out !
So there are no young children to work out custody for i.e. 50/50 etc. and no CMS to receive / decide upon.

He should be wanting to change jobs regardless of your demands. He is in an extremely vulnerable position because of his affair with a junior member of staff. She could get him in a lot of trouble. It would be better for his career for him to move to a lesser position at another firm than risk being dismissed for gross misconduct and have that on his record. He is playing with fire by staying. He doesn’t seem concerned by this so I would be questioning whether he knows she won’t cause trouble because he’s keeping her sweet. But this can’t go on for ever. At some point this will blow up. You can wait to see what will happen, while losing your sanity and self worth or make the decision for him.

There is no time limit on telling him to move out. You don’t have to decide that within 28 days or discovering the affair.

You can still do that. If you want to have a successful marriage, there will need to be a huge change and that means outlining clearly what you will and will not put up with.

You could ask him to leave, say ‘I have had time to reflect and aim not ok, her driving down our street is triggering me, I’m not over this. You have done nothing to reassure me. You can go and I’ll survive’

And then you can restart.

With or without him.
WHEN YOU ARE READY.

What is your take on the OW driving down our street for no apparent reason and when she lives on the other side of town?

My take is that I think you're needlessly obsessing over a relatively minor issue. How could you possibly know that she has 'no apparent reason' to drive along your street? Maybe she's on her way to a supermarket or her favourite cafe or her mother's house. People often do drive through parts of town where they don't live, you know. And even if it is deliberate, I think PPs are probably right that she's trying to check out whether the stories your H is telling her about you are true. Maybe he's told her that he's going to leave you for her, and she wants to see if there are any signs of you moving out imminently, e.g. is your car still there, are there any removal boxes visible. Maybe she hopes to be living in your house with your H one day and wants to check out if she likes the curtains or not. Who knows?

I think a far greater issue than where this woman drives her car is one that a few PPs have raised - her ability to hit your H where it really hurts at work. Your H having an affair with a junior colleague young enough to be his daughter in his own place of work is unfathomably stupid. Quite apart from the creepiness of him having a relationship with a woman not too much older than his own children, the fact that he's her boss raises some serious ethical issues. If she decides to complain about him, what then for our 'senior criminal lawyer'?

That you KNOW of.

Firstly, How does she know where you live?

It seems that there is more to this than your husband is letting on. I would say it’s highly likely that the affair is continuing and she has been stalking your house for what ever reason: maybe out of jealousy that he was away with you for the weekend, maybe she is wondering why she hasn’t heard from him, maybe he has told her he is not living there, maybe she was checking you were back so she could go and join him… please open your eyes.

I feel bad for you that you are going through this, but it really sounds like you are letting him walk all over you. Give him the option now it’s you or her…
if he wants you and he’s not willing to change his job it’s not going to work! It’s not fair on you to have that worry about what he’s doing daily!!!
If he wants his marriage let him take the pay cut if he has to, to keep your own sanity!

🤗

@Strawberrina surely the next city has a vacancy for a senior criminal lawyer? less than 20 miles is no distance at all!

Good god @Strawberrina take some control back.

@JJxxxxx I don't know, maybe she saw the address on some documents that H keeps in the office.

I think, in the ideal world, what he wants is to continue living with me in the family home but also remain in his current job. He said that he wants to have a strictly professional relationship with the OW, if she is also to stay in her current job. I don't know how realistic this set-up is.

Ah yes, it's all about what he wants and what he says.

just like having his cake and eating it.

oh well.

@Calliecarpa @OchreRaven yes, I don't know if he actually realises what a vulnerable position he is in. Maybe I should remind him about that.

@Strawberrina Your husband is having an affair and has been for a while. Everything you have said shows that it's still ongoing and he has no desire to end it.

It is likely that he is biding time before pulling the plug on your marriage himself. You need to stop obsessing over the other woman and start preparing yourself. You say your husband is a criminal lawyer and yet wouldn't be able to find another job near home. I, and others, think this is bullshit. He doesn't want to leave. You don't need to remind him about the vulnerable position he is in at work, he knows and it's ok because they are planning on getting together full time from the sounds of it.

You need to detach from him and her and start preparing for a new life otherwise you're going to be hit like a ton of bricks when the inevitable happens.

You might even find on 1st August when he is on this extended leave that they become public about their relationship, and by the time he returns to work the houses are sold and the divorce is nearly final and she is wearing a very large engagement ring.