Thank you.
Wise words.
Apparently he compartmentalised.
Push over / self respect - I do flip at times when I question myself, knowing his reality.
For context (and I am by NO MEANS excusing a single moment or choice of his total betrayal). During those 5 years, I did lead a very full life (not a full married one tho).
I have an amazing group of friends and I led and continue to lead a very active social life. I don’t want to say more as it may be outing.
The more distance he put between us, the more I leant on my friends and social life for an escape.
Despite continuing family and couples holidays together and some weekends away, he was mostly distant. I wasn’t happy about that, but I could not connect with him, while he was living his best double life.
There was some improvement during the last 6 months of the affair, when he went out from work much less. He now tells me that was because “IT” had started to fizzle out. He was happy about this as he didn’t feel he could finish it completely with her, due to the work dynamics and, I believe, what she knew. (I don’t want to explain that further). He has never blamed her. He tells me it was 50/50 in terms of who kept it going so long.
He 100% expected me to want a divorce when I found out and he immediately offered me the house. He has reiterated since, if I cannot move forward then the house is mine, no questions. 100% I am not worried on the finance side.
I recently finished a course of therapy (I cannot say it was helpful)
We are waiting to start couples therapy. (He is the last person on earth you would expect to agree and commit to therapy) I have rewritten 5 years diary (literally). Unfortunately for him, I keep a diary. I also gained access to so much very detailed info re his whereabouts for 5 years (can’t say how I did this) . So I know most of the dates and events when he was with her. They took me 3 months to compile. Once completed, we spent hours going thru the diaries, day by day, the reality of his life for 5 years with him confirming when he f@cked her (obv he can’t remember them all but gave his best guess given type of event and location). It was very painful - but I was like a woman possessed and at any cost I needed to know.
He is initiating and pushing for weekly date nights. We are having more fun than we’ve had in years (when I allow myself not to think about IT ). I have a life coach who is helping me. She asks and makes me consider hard hitting stuff, some of it I’m not yet ready for.
I do now feel very connected to him a lot of the time. He is the one making this happen. He gives me his time, attention and respect. It’s far from rosy because much of this, while being much wanted and needed, it is triggering me. I lost out on 5 years of happy marriage, and endured such disrespect.
He absolutely has cut contact with her, other than professional emails when necessary.
I now have a mole in his wk who reports that you can cut the atmosphere between them with a knife.
She was not happy about it ending and tried to cause trouble with me. She is gutter vile. I refuse to communicate directly with her. (I am Happy to communicate with her husband when he wants, this is less so now as he has so much detail and no longer wants her.)
He gave me passwords and access to everything.
He rarely goes out with work now, and will obv never attend a function where she may attend. This is all his choice.
We are 9months in (6 months since I found out it was physical as well as emotional)
it’s the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with.
Despite his great continued efforts. I don’t know how this will end. I now know what the man I married is capable of and I am struggling desperately with that. I despise what he has done and at times now, when he is giving me his all, I look at him and all I see is a man that disgusts me. My brain, heart and emotions are shot to pieces.