Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

How is it going @Strawberrina?

Dear All, by way of an update, H and I had a good long weekend until I returned back into town on Monday (it was my day-off) and saw the OW driving down the street where we live.

I was absolutely livid. After speaking with H, I told him to drive to the OW's place and tell her not to do it ever again. He did drive to her place the same evening, and knocked on the front door, but she did not open the door. He then drove to the office and collected some personal items, such as his ties, jacket, personal documents etc. It was a crazy weekend to say the least!

@Isthiswhatmenthink @Allthegoodonesareg0ne

I don't know what to make of it!

Did he ever bother to look for a new job ?

Did you have an initial consultation with a solicitor ?

Is there a legal reason why OW cannot drive along the road you live in ?

and why on earth did he remove some personal belongings from the office - what for ?
it's not as if he is on his extended annual leave yet as it's not August.

How do you know she didn't open the door? Because your H told you? The same H who's repeatedly lied to you about his relationship with her?

I'm not quite sure I understand why you demanded that your H go and see her in person. Could he not just have phoned her in your presence?

When I first read your post, I assumed you'd been away with your H and the two of you came back home together, and happened to see the OW driving along your street even though both of you weren't at home, but is it actually that you came home alone and saw her near your house, and your H had been at home without you? So you think he brought her to your own home when you weren't there?

When you say he picked up some things from the office, is that because he's started his leave now (though it seems much too early), or because he's left his job and has found/is looking for another one?

@Calliecarpa Sorry, my previous post wasn't very detailed. H called her first several times in my presence, she did not pick up. I then demanded that he drive to her place and speak with her in person. He did drive and knock, but she didn't answer the door.

We had been away for the long weekend, but came back separately. I returned home first whilst he stayed at the farm. Whilst I was coming back into town and driving up the street where we live, I saw the OW driving in the opposite direction down our street. H was out of town at the time.

He hasn't yet started his leave, leave will commence in August. He hasn't left his current job either. I think the reason he collected his personal items from the office was to show me that he is serious about leaving.

Hi @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon
No, he didn't really look for a new job. In the town where we live, jobs aren't easy to find for someone with his level of experience and in the industry in which he works.
I didn't have an initial consultation with a solicitor.
No, there is no legal reason why the OW cannot drive on our street.
I guess he removed the personal belongings to show me that he is serious about leaving his current job as it is the first step.

You do know he can and could remove personal belongings any time at all when he was in the office.
How weird to think it's because he is looking for a new job.

How many applications has he made and how many interviews has he had ?

Where is your self respect, OP?

I'm astounded that you tolerate his cheating, lying, and manipulation. Where did you learn that your feelings and rights don't matter?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon He hasn't applied for any positions and so hasn't had any interviews. He is 58 years old - I would think it's not easy to find a new job at that age.

I don't understand why you believe anything your husband says to you after he has proven himself over and over to be a liar.

He is conducting this affair under your nose and it's incredibly disrespectful. He treats you like you're an absolute fool. No matter what he does, all he has to do is say a few kind words to you and you forget it all.

Do you just actually not mind him having an affair? If so, maybe you can talk to him about an open marriage so that you can keep your house and financial benefits.

'I guess he removed the personal belongings to show me that he is serious about leaving his current job as it is the first step.

but...

' He hasn't applied for any positions and so hasn't had any interviews. '

Don’t you have any self respect op? You are a complete doormat. Glad you don’t have daughters. The truth is you are too much of a coward to lose your two houses and your familiar life.

When people really are 'serious about leaving' their job, they don't hang around. They get online and look for other jobs that might fit, apply for them, send out their CV on spec, ask around their contacts to see what might be available, etc. Your H tells you he's 'serious about leaving' but hasn't applied for any job at all. Have you never heard the expression 'actions speak louder than words'? It's like you believe everything that comes out of his mouth, despite his history of lying to you, and it seems like it doesn't matter to you at all whether he follows through on what he says or not. His words are enough for you. He can tell you any old BS he likes and you just go, oh OK then. And repeat it here like it's gospel truth. Like wise, you don't actually know that the OW didn't open her door when your H went round, do you? You're accepting it on faith simply because it's what he said, which is weird when he's lied to you so much.

You're 'livid' with the OW for driving down your street, but somehow you're not livid with your H for the way he's been treating you. It's your H who's been cheating on you and lying to you and deceiving you and inflicting hurt on you. Why are you accepting it so passively? I don't really know what you want or expect people to say to you here. Is the situation now that you're willing to accept your H's affair as long as you don't have to see or think about the OW, and her driving down the street where you live was just too much intrusion and reminded you that she exists?

Since you appear to be completely unwilling to hold him to account for his behaviour or insist on any meaningful changes whatsoever I think you’re just going to have to accept him shagging this woman under your nose until one or both of them decide to stop or he decides to leave you.

I think you're in danger of making a terrible situation worse OP. You really mustn't insist your husband repeatedly calls this young woman who is his junior at work and then visits her at home to tell her where she may or may not drive. Think about how bad that makes him look. Sexual harassment laws have been tightened significantly and should she choose to disclose his repeated calls and the unwanted visit, it will look very bad for him. Which in my view would be well deserved. But no doubt would add more to the pressure you're under. Whatever you do about your marriage, you really should leave this young woman alone.

It is almost funny that op manages to get livid but it’s at her husbands OW who is driving down their street not her DHs breaking marriage vows. He is 58 and OW is 33, maybe if she turns a blind eye for 10 or so years he will stop cheating if only because no one fancies him. I think this is the path op will take.

You’re deluded. Sorry.

He has no intention of leaving her or his job. But you carry on convincing yourself otherwise.

There is a lot of speculation in your update. Do you not actually talk about it? From the outside it seems as though you are projecting what you want him to do/feel rather than just asking him to explain his actions.

What actually happened was he went over to her house and was away for a period of time and then came back with some items that prove he was ‘at the office’. And rather than ask him why he didn’t come straight back after she ‘didn’t answer the door’ you just assume it’s because he wants a new job now and couldn’t wait until Monday to collect it.

You can’t be this naive.

This! And the 'demanding she doesn't drive down your street' is just embarrassing. I expect she's having the biggest laugh with her friends about the pair of you, @Strawberrina

This guy is really making minced meat of you.

he is a complete liar. Everything he is saying and doing is lies. Please get some support and pull that wool away from your eyes before you smother.

I mean, you do really, though, don't you? You know exactly what's happening and what to make of it. You're just acting confused because you very much like your comfortable, well-off lifestyle and your properties, plural, and don't want to lose any of it. And to do so, you have to turn a deliberate blind eye to your H's ongoing affair and pretend to believe all his lies. Then you see the OW near your house and it reminds you that she exists and is the woman your husband has admitted to being in love with and is almost certainly still having sex with. And your carefully constructed charade of a happy marriage falls apart, doesn't it? And that's what makes you livid.

Oh @Strawberrina . I'm so sorry you're still stuck in it all.
I'm going to change my advice a little to meet you where you are.
I think you need absolute transparency from him as far as you can for now - definitely full access to his phone, location, devices. If he's serious about making things work for you he'll do that.
Can you pop in to surprise him for a lunch at his office now and again between now and his leave? One of the things I've learned through our marriage counselling is everything was so much easier to compartmentalise for my dh because work and home were so seperate. I didn't spend time with him and his colleagues and I couldn't meet him for lunch or an after work drink etc. You'd also make it much harder for ow to pretend you don't exist.
Then if you get that far make the most of his leave. Absolutely no work over his leave, still full transparency and spend the time together, figuring out if this marriage is what you want when you're both putting the max effort in.
I still think it's important though for your focus to be on you. Do things that make you feel happy, explore your independence. The better you feel, the more full your life is, the more clearly you'll see him and the more valuable he'll see you.
Betrayal wrecks our self esteem and out sense of a place in the world that can't be understood by those who haven't been there. I can understand why it's hard to follow the advice to kick him out and give yourself what you need.
Sending lots of love

@Strawberrina please do not take my words as hurtful, however you seem to have a lot of anger towards the OW, you want her to leave her job, move away etc. Where is your anger towards your husband?

You don’t know what he’s told OW. He’s explained to you that he loves her and he’s no doubt told her this too. How do you know that the affair isn’t still continuing or that he’s stringing her along with stories of how he’s going to leave you, they can be together etc?

Her driving along your road may have been innocent, maybe not. However if not it suggests that the affair is far from over. Nothing he has done to date seems remorseful or a man who accepts that he’s made a massive mistake and wants to push forward to repair the marriage and make a future with you.

This has the hallmark of having his cake and eating it whilst stringing you both on.

@Strawberrina I am 58 and married over 25 years. I just had an awful thought. I had our three children between 34 and 40. This OW could have his children and set up another family with your cheating ‘I love two women’ husband. He is a lot older than her but if she is materialistic it is a possibility.

If you are a well off family this could affect your son’s inheritance, it might be worth mentioning to your adult sons. Very likely they will take more of an interest in the affair with younger woman and have a word with your husband. Just another option for you to consider. Personally I am very proud and would have started divorce proceedings months ago.