Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@MounjaroOnMyMind . I went through similar with my ex wife for 4 years. I only wish I had been strong like you. I let her take the house from under me on the cheap as well as I didn't sort my head out quickly enough

@ReacherOMGyes One of the previous posters called it a fake reconciliation and, with the benefit of hindsight, that's exactly what it was.

So what are you going to do about it? I'm also questioning why you keep posting, if you're just going to treat you like an idiot for the rest of your lives.

@Bumblebeestiltskin I understand the criticism I'm getting from other posters, as to why I haven't LTB already, asked him to move out immediately, but I'm cautious not to make any life-changing decisions in the foggy state of mind that I'm still in.
I have told him to look for other jobs and, if he remains in his current job, our marriage may be over.

@MounjaroOnMyMind Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sorry that this happened to you.
May I ask what happened in the end? Did he move on with the OW? Has he expressed regret to you about what he had done?

Yes, long and very outing story which I can't go into, but he did move in with the OW. He wasn't happy with her - I think he realised he was with his mother (something I could have told him after meeting her for five minutes!) He's since died.

I found out after he left that he was also cheating on her at the time - both women were at work, both married, too. The OW he lived with doesn't know about the other one, though they knew each other at work.

He knew I knew, though. I called him at work and he thought I was calling for a chat in the hope we'd get back together. I corrected him, saying I knew about the other OW. Honestly, I could hear his jaw drop from 20 miles away! Never had a moment's bother with him after that - well, after checking the OW didn't know about the OOW. I think he felt it was my insurance policy. I'm not sure whether I would have ever cashed it in, though.

Thank you, but I didn't feel strong. I ended up financially worse off as I rushed the divorce and didn't realise one of our mortgages (which I'd taken on) was interest only.

I hope you're OK now.

I don't think anyone's actually said that you must 'ask him to move out immediately', have they? And 'immediately' is hardly relevant anyway, given that you found out about your H's affair what, six months ago now?

Is he taking any notice of what you said and actually properly looking for other jobs yet? You mentioned upthread that he was looking around for one but hadn't taken any real steps to secure one. Is he doing that now? I mean anyone can say they're looking online for a job, can't they? It requires no commitment whatsoever. Has he called people, sent his CV out, secured some interviews?

And does he have any real reason to believe that you're serious when you say your marriage may be over if he doesn't get another job soonest?

@Strawberrina your marriage is already over!! you are procrastinating too much!

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld On reflection, there are no good options.

He leaves the job without another one lined up - we'll be relying on my income only, but may be able to save the marriage. He stays in the job - no loss of income but real risk things with the OW will start again. In a nutshell.

Op with kindness, there is no good option right now if you stay either.
He will crack on with OW. Then he may leave you or may not.
At least if you ask him to leave, he'll either leave her and the job or he won't. Either way the outcomes will be more in your control and you can escape this limbo.

'but real risk things with the OW will start again.'

what on earth makes you think he isn't still seeing OW !

and anyway

there is always the chance and opportunity that there will be another OW no matter where he works...

Can't imagine having sex with a cheat knowing he has been elsewhere...

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne I agree with what you're saying.
I'm also concerned that if he leaves current job, he will feel resentful towards me as I (in his mind) made him leave the job he likes and the OW which he admitted to me previously, he loves.
I, on the other hand, might start to feel resentful towards him as I will be the sole provider.

He is the one that chose to put his dick elsewhere !!!

no one forced him !!!

he chose.

how dare he feel any resentment towards you - ever

and upon divorce, and the splitting of house/money etc he would have a bloody check if he ever had the nerve to say he was resentful of anything

he chose to stick his dick elsewhere

he is an adult
and as such is responsible for his choices / decisions

It's unbelievable OP that he wrecks your marriage by having an affair with his junior colleague and yet you are worried HE will resent YOU.

Apart from his betrayal of you his behaviour to his employer has been appalling by betraying his position of trust. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't deserve his job. What right has he to resent anyone if he loses it?

And yes you shouldn't have to support him in the future. This is all his doing.

I just don't understand why you are still enthralled to this man.

@Feelthesunswarmth As silly as it sounds, I still love him. We have been together for a very very long time. He is a big part of my life. It's very difficult for me to erase these 30 years of marriage.

People can get a little blood lusty on here, you don't have to do anything for us we're just strangers on the internet. But you posted for advice and you keep responding so we assume you still want input.

You've got a lot of criticism because rarely has a poster come on here and been so passive and naive in their responses, I mean non of us can know any more than what you've told us, but the denial in which you're in is quite startling

This is true op, you don’t have to live your life for posters on here.

It does come across as though you really love him.

Personally I couldn’t in the circumstances; but there’s no point in you doing what would make me happy. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I just genuinely feel the best chance of a reasonable outcome going forward - which might involve staying together - will require you to be a bit ballsy and put your foot down.

He caused this mess and it’s up to him to sort it out.
There’s no remorse in him if he’s resenting being asked to give up his job. If he wants you and the marriage he does it and shuts up, with full realisation that he’s responsible for having to give his job up. Not you. If he hadn’t had a workplace affair would you be asking this? Of course not.
I needed to see proof from my husband that we were the most important thing, not his job or money or most certainly not his giant ego or anything else. Humble pie time, huge helping and back for seconds. He owned it immediately and said he knew he was the one who caused this and blew up his own life. He said “I’ve ruined my life” at the time and he knew it. He had a great life and a great job and risked it all ultimately for nothing. If he’d insisted on staying put in that job or even a different job with a long commute in that city, he’d be divorced now. No way at that time with the state I was in, could I have put up with that.
I’d compromised enough because he was the higher earner in what was at the time 35 years together and he danced to my tune and prioritised my needs after what he did or he could go to hell.
He doesn’t get to sit at home doing nothing either, @Strawberrina. He gets any job at all at the moment that he can find. That way you will avoid resenting him and he proves he’ll do anything to turn himself around.

This is it isn't it?

If she wanted advice she has had lots of it on here.

But the impression is she doesn't really want advice.

She wants the situation to magically disappear.

With the best in the world no one can make that happen.

I say with experience, you are going to resent him whatever he does. If you stay together, it's something you can work through. But you have to show him that you have enough confidence in yourself to walk away.
Otherwise there is really no decision for him to make other than to leave you - he won't leave her as things stand.

Op only you can live with what he has done and doing, but can you live with that knowing he loves someone else he's sees daily, I just don't know how life goes on knowing what you know,
You have 30 years with this man who took it upon himself to have an affair yes of course you love him but op that will turn to resentment and hate,

Hi OP
You talk as if the ow has cast some evil spell over your h and, if only you can separate them he will come back to you and things will be even better than before.
That is complete fantasy.
If she is his "one and only" then nothing on this earth will keep them apart.
If, as is much more likely, it is a normal affair then if it wasn't her, it would be someone else. I doubt she was the first and I would guess she won't be the last.
He has shown you who he is NOW (not the man you first married) and I guess the first decision you have to make is if you can live with who/ what he has become. Remember he actively chose to do this to you. He knowingly chose to make you this unhappy.
I know you want someone to tell you that it will all be ok in the end but no-one can do that. He has shown you how little he values you. You have to decide whether you can live with someone who actively seeks to betray you and destroy your world.

There will always be another woman. This other woman at his work isn't the issue. The issue is an opportunity to cheat presented itself and your husband took it. He made 1000 of micro decisions to cheat on you. He never at any point said fuck I'm married I can't do this. He isnt an innocent bystander that was corrupted.

If someone hit on me I'd them no thanks I'm married. If they hit on me again I tell them I'm married and your making me feel uncomfortable. The third time I'd go to HR. Your husband allowed this to happen. Actually I'd be surprised if he didn't actively pursue her. His pursuit could have cost him his job because it could be perceived as sexual harassment.

He didn't care about anything but his ego and his dick. The sooner you realise that he is the problem the better. As I said there will always be another woman.