Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

What consequences has he suffered so far?
what work is he doing to save your marriage?

answer:nothing.

id bet my house he’s sleeping with her. Why wouldn’t he? He doesn’t respect you, doesn’t live your life and he’s still living his nice cushy life. The fact that he’s abusing his power at work would have me kicking him out, never mind the affair.

I had no idea people could be so naive and passive in their own life. Astounding.

@SuperSange To answer your questions, he leaves work at 5pm sharp now (when in the past he would leave much later, at around 6:30-7pm). He sometimes comes home for lunch for an hour or two during the work week, depending on his work schedule. He also does more around the house now than he used to, mostly he does the cooking and grocery shopping. I also set a boundary regarding no alcohol at work, along with many other boundaries.

I'm not defending him or anything, just answering your questions.

@VicksJunkie @Calliecarpa @Tulipsontoast @Feelthesunswarmth @EleanorRigby2U @OmgblueskysI know there is a lot of emphasis on counselling on MN, individual and couples. That's not something he has ever done and I'm not sure if he'll be interested in doing it.

The very small changes he has done so far are returning from work at 5pm sharp daily, instead of 6:30pm like before, coming home for lunch for an hour or two when work allows it, contributing more with household chores (he now does a lot more cooking and grocery shopping than he used it), being open with his phone, complete disclosure and transparency about what happens in the office.

@Strawberrina he HASN'T been completely transparent about what he's been getting up to, you posted about it recently! Look, if you want to try to pretend it's not happening, I'd stop posting about it here. Everyone's trying to give you valuable advice and you're just putting your hands over your ears and saying blah blah can't hear you.

The tone of some of these comments is unnecessary. The poor woman is clearly in shock and denial mode…she shouldn’t be shamed for apparent inaction. Op still desperately wants to believe everything her husband says at face value. The anger will come eventually, right now it seems she needs time to work through her thoughts and process what has actually be done to her.

OP, sack this. Leave him, throw him out, whatever.

@Strawberrina

Your DH isn't interested in counselling, fine, as far as that goes.

But what about you? Surely you could benefit from some 1:1 time with someone who's job it is to see you through this period?

Like PP the tone of your responses is really worrying to me. Very flat, and all about your DH. You are important too OP. Don't let him persuade you that isn't true.

The thing is. It’s not JUST about the other woman. If not her, it will be someone else. He will do it. Doubly so now he knows you’ll take him back again and again. You are now a fallback. Get some respect for yourself woman! You need some hard truths.

OP I think you want to believe in the old version of him and to fit this new reality (the affair) in such a way as it still somehow keeps him as being a good person. I’m sorry but he is not a good person, his actions have shown that. You need to accept that the version of the partner that you thought you knew is not real. I know how hard this is. I have had to do it. It may take you years but you must do it for your future happiness. There is no other way. You need to grieve the version of your partner you thought he was. He does not exist. He is gone.

Did he start doing all this before or after he came home smelling of her perfume and confessed they'd kissed?

Agree.

People get so impatient about an unknown poster upending their whole life.

If he’s coming straight home from work now, they’re shagging at work when the get 10 mins to sneak off together. Tbh, you need to look at your own behaviour. Why are you accepting this? He’s told you it’s still going on. He is still seeing her, they are still, “kissing” and he’s still stinking your home up with her perfume. Open your fucking eyes woman! He’s fucking another woman with absolute impunity right in front of you and you need to get some individual counselling to understand why your self esteem and bar is in hell. Why are you accepting this? This is not normal. Get some individual counselling asap. What your husband is doing isn’t just a breach of your trust and a shattering of your marriage vows, it’s abusive. Cheating is a form of abuse. Why are you sticking around to be treated like this? He’s risking your health as well as lying, cheating, disrespecting and disregarding you, your feelings, your mental wellbeing and your marriage.

You do realise that he could be having sex with her at any point in the day. A quick bunk up only takes a few minutes. Coming home on time or at lunch really is irrelevant. He has all those other minutes in the day. You can't trust him. He's disloyal. He betrayed you. He betrayed his vows. He betrayed his family. He jepodised everything for his ego and his dick. If it's not this woman there will be another if the opportunity arises. Her disappearing off isn't going to change that.

@Strawberrina would you consider seeing a solicitor, just to work out what things might look like financially if you left him?

what do your dc think about it all?

Oh OP, he has done fuck all to rectify this. He probably won’t consider counselling for you both?

No. His disdain for you is embarrassing. I’m so sorry.

Why do you think he wants to stay married to you, but has already cheated on you again with this woman and is doing nothing to show his supposed dedication to you?

He did end things with her (I know that for a fact).

@Strawberrina, you wrote the above on 4/22, but by 4/24 you had discovered that this was a blatant lie. The devious liar had bamboozled you, and he still is.

Your H never intended to keep OW at a professional distance. He never built iron-clad boundaries around her or seriously looked for another job. Even after witnessing your great hurt the first go round, he twisted the knife by keeping the affair going and exposing you to OW’s perfume on the shirt he wore when they embraced. He shat on you again from a great height.

He is still doing a number on you. Having messed up with the shirt, he is practicing damage control by coming home at lunch and at 5:00 to placate you. He’ll be creating alone time with OW during the work day.

Most of your anger is aimed at OW, your H’s junior. Despite his being a practiced liar, you are desperate to believe the narrative that she is a manipulative operator who targets him, this poor Diddums who is her Boss. You convince yourself that she seduces him, so he can’t help making unethical personal and professional choices.

It is disturbing that you are colluding with him to gaslight yourself, @Strawberrina. You have not changed your response to his repeated infidelity, yet you expect a different result. Would you advise your children to cling to serial cheats and impose no effective consequences?

I asked previously but you have not yet answered: How long had the affair been going on prior to DDay1 last year?

@MsDogLady the affair went on from July last year to early November, when I confronted H and he admitted to being unfaithful.
No, I would never advise my children (I have two sons) to cling to serial cheats.

@AlertCat Would absolutely consider seeing a solicitor for an initial consult.
I think the DC have mixed feelings about what had happened. On one hand, they love their dad, on the other, they hate to see me hurt and upset by his actions.

I honestly think nothing that’s happening now will change unless you do take steps- and the only things you have control over is seeing a solicitor and getting the proverbial ducks into a row. I don’t think your H will change his behaviour (because he has no reason to: your hurt and distress are not enough for him) but you could change yours.

Your sons will likely understand and support you and I hope your other family will too.

@ReacherOMGyes Before - most of them.
We even went on a nice weekend getaway together for 3 days. Before I found out about Part 2 re kissing, hugging etc. and thought our marriage was improving.

Op is there a part of you that finds him faintly pathetic?

Sort of like a salivating dog that can’t stop sniffing in the kitchen food scraps bin despite the fact it knows it shouldn’t be in the kitchen. I find that sort of moral incontinence a bit 😬

It was just something about the image of him going away for a nice getaway but the “real him” being totally at odds with this civilised image. It reminds me of the time I saw a teenage guy I’d slightly fancied scratch his butt when he thought noone was looking - then he ( 🤢) sniffed his fingers. After that glimpse of the “real” him, I just couldn’t muster any attraction.

Well that just proves how deceitful he is doesn't it: taking you on " nice weekends" to pacify you whilst carrying on his affair at the same time.
How can you believe a word he says after that? He is taking you for a fool OP.

So all of these supposed changes he's made to try and improve your marriage amount to absolutely nothing. So why list them as positives?

He made these changes, made you believe he was working on things and making up for his affair, while in fact he'd done nothing of the sort.

This to me a doubly deceitful, he's got you into thinking all is ok while having no intentions of stopping anything with OW.

I mean there's passiveness and then there's this, why did you post about this in the first place OP?

I was in a similar position, OP - the affair went on for eight years. I found out after six years (though didn't realise it had gone on that long). My children were young and I threatened divorce if the affair didn't stop. I got a lot of promises. Two years later I found out it was still going on and realised when it had actually started, when I was pregnant with my second child. It was the happiest time of my life and I will never forgive him for throwing a bomb into our family like that. I knew if I confronted him he'd make promises again, promises that he wouldn't keep.

The day I told him it was over, he accepted it, and then I realised he thought I didn't mean it. He just kept his head down low and thought that was enough. I was working out finances one day and he came in and asked what I was doing. When I told him I was putting the standing orders in my name because he wouldn't be living with us, I saw an expression on his face that really hit me - it was respect. He actually thought more of me for not putting up with his shit. It doesn't make sense.

Now I realise I should have dumped him the first time I found out he was unfaithful (which was actually years before all this). You can't change a cheater - they are like gamblers or alcoholics - they get a dopamine hit and an adrenaline rush from seeing another woman on the side. Yes, he might dump the OW of his own accord, but it doesn't seem likely from where I'm looking at it. He'd do it because he was bored of her rather than because he's a decent man who knows how hurt you are. It will leave the door wide open for another OW to walk through and give him those hits again. And again.