Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

Please, find a way to respect yourself more than you love him, OP.

Imagine one of your kids being in this position and the rage you’d feel on their behalf. Do this for yourself.

I find it hard to have sympathy for women who forgive their husbands and direct all the anger towards the ow. She owes you absolutely nothing but on the other hand he made a promise to you and had a life with you and then crapped all over it. But you know that. It’s just convenient for you to pretend it’s all her fault because then you don’t need to make any changes in your life at all. She moves away and suddenly your husband loves you and isn’t a cheat or liar.

I also just struggle to see why you’d be so meek. Hoping she will leave so he can love you again. You’d be better off single

Because he was shagging a woman from work, 25 years his junior, and his direct report. You found out (how did that happen by the way?) and he did not make any steps to leave the job. He told you he was in love with her. He then lied to you, again, and claimed they kissed and held hands. I suspect that is 5% of what really happened, he’s told you a bit to make you think it’s the whole truth.

He will never stop lying. He loves this woman. He still works with her. And she’s 25 years younger than him and you. I’m so sorry, but this man doesn’t want it upset the apple cart with you, because it’s comfortable at home and because he doesn’t want to appear a cunt to his friends and children, but he wants to keep shagging the willing 30-something.

He will never stop lying to you about her or he will leave you is what I suspect will happen.

I’m really sorry @Strawberrina. I think this is just the beginning. And that’s why we all want you to take ownership of your own destiny.

This can’t be real!! Op, you sound like a love struck teenager. Good luck with your cheating husband because you are going to need it.

This is a great, well thought out answer. I hope the OP listens to this wise advice.

A cliche, but sometimes the hardest thing to do (leaving) is the right thing OP

I was married for twenty years when my ex cheated on me. We divorced, the trust was gone. 3 teens at the time. I never blamed the OW, I obviously didn’t like her, but all my blame was directed at the man who made my vows to me.

You need to focus firstly on building your self esteem, and secondly on putting the blame on him. And remember, if she disappeared, as you wish, all that will achieve is create a vacancy. Men like him don’t change.

He's still living with you because he can. Why would he want to leave when he can have his cake and eat it?

OP - think carefully about why you want to stay with him. Because you love him? That's not a good enough reason. I loved my ex but he didn't love me the same way. He wasn't good for me. The relationship was unhealthy and damaging. I realised then that just loving someone isn't enough of a reason to stay with them. You can love him (it's a hard habit to break) but it doesn't mean you need to spend nearly every day for the rest of your life with him. Love him from afar until you're over him.
Do you want to stay together because you're afraid of blowing your world apart? Because he's so familiar and is all you've ever known for 30 years? Is it terrifying to consider going it alone in your 50s, not having him by your side? These feelings are perfectly normal. I'm sure many of us would feel the same. It still doesn't mean that staying with him is the right thing to do. Do you really think you can have a healthy relationship now?
Is there a part of you (even if it's just a tiny little part) that sees the appeal of separating, of creating your own life? Of leaving the man who's betrayed and humiliated you. He put his own sexual desires above you and your marriage. He's still in love with a younger woman who he loves in a "different way" (obviously a more sexual, passionate way). He lied over and over again and probably still is lying to you. It takes huge courage to walk away. I don't think you have that courage yet but maybe it will come in the future.
You just want her to disappear so you can carry on and pretend it never happened - but it did happen. Will things ever be the same again?
I wish you all the best, whatever happens.

Oh my dear!... come on!! I nearly choked on my coffee... this nasty 30-something woman came on to him,and he couldn't help it/himself...???
You have forgiven him/permitted him on two occasions now to do whatever the hell he likes.
The reason he is still with you is because she is happy to have a fling in the office and he doesn't want to give up the convenience of the home life he has with you.
Not to mention having to split property, pensions, savings and possessions and be landed with a big solicitors bill.... that would be just TOO much of a pain for him...
So he will just have to tolerate being pestered by this 30-something instead and come home to his dinner and his comfortable wifey.
Ho-hum....
You deserve better.

Do you really not know, on an intellectual level, that he’s the villain here? Do you really not know that in your inability to let go you are blaming the wrong person and turning yourself into a desperate pickme?

Do you not want to be alone? I can't see why you are putting up with it

I’m finding this thread a struggle to read for some reason, I can’t quite believe anyone could be so passive.

I realise this is your life OP, and I don’t want to be part of a pile on or make you feel worse, but he told you he’s in love with someone else. The only reason he hasn’t ended it with you is because you’re letting him have the best of both worlds. Your mental health with be crushed if you continue on like this. I’d have more respect for you if you admitted that you didn’t want to give up the financial security of marriage - rather than just sitting there like a wet blanket, hoping the other woman just disappears.

You want the answer to why he hasn’t left yet because you want someone (mainly him) to say the reason is because he loves you and can’t not be with you. But that’s not why he’s staying. He’s staying for any number of these reasons - he’s scared of change, he doesn’t want to be the bad guy, he’s scared that when he makes it official with this other woman it won’t be as fun as the clandestine relationship they have now, he’s doesn’t want to make a decision as huge as this one and was hoping you would tell him to sling his hook so the decision was made for him, at the moment he’s being allowed to live a double life and is in no great rush to make a decision.

Love doesn’t come into it. He’s told you already he loves you and he loves her. So the choice then is about something else. And when you are just hanging on to see if he chooses you you are losing a bit more of yourself with every day you wait. Take control and tell him to p* off

@VicksJunkie

It is a struggle to read.

The thread has been going on over 3 weeks and OP has had numerous posters commenting and giving, in some cases, really good practical advice.

But when OP has come back with an update she has given no indication that she has even read many of the replies.

After three weeks she's still saying " oh yes but he's still not left me for her" despite her saying this at least once, if not twice, earlier in the thread and many posters pointing out the very real probable reasons why he's not left yet. She has not even acknowledged these.

I know OP has no obligation to listen to advice given to her. She can do and behave just as she wants. But it really feels as though people are wasting their time posting if OP has no intention of taking anything any one says on board.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

@VicksJunkie @Feelthesunswarmth I'm sorry that it's a struggle to read. I have read every single post and if I could respond to and thank every single poster, I would.

The whole situation is a mess. I have never been in a situation like this before and would not wish it on anyone. I am still weighing up all my options and have a lot to think about. Yes, I am hesitant to leave for a number of reasons - the fact that H and I have been together for almost 30 years and he is a big part of my life, the life we've built together, the two children, although now grown up, and of course the financial and practical implications of a divorce/ separation. These are just some of the reasons that come to mind. Having said that, I agree that the current situation is untenable and is taking a big toll on my mental and emotional wellbeing.

@EleanorRigby2U thank you for your message. I suspect you are very correct. Especially about not wanting to be the bad guy and having to confess to family about what had happened, and not wanting to take responsibility for any major decisions, such as us getting separated or divorced. I agree that he is comfortable with the way things are right now - me working FT as well as doing the majority of household tasks. He doesn't want to give up the comfort of his home. As far as office dynamics go, that I don't know.

Your last paragraph really resonates with me.

This post, and most of your other posts in this thread, come across to me like you've programmed a cliché machine to respond. For almost four weeks now, you've merely been parroting PP's points back at them and repeating yourself endlessly: 'Yes, you're correct, your point resonates with me, yes of course it's awful what he's done, it's all such a mess, I've never experienced this before and wouldn't wish it on anyone, I shouldn't tolerate this treatment, I have to think very hard what to do, it's taking such a toll on me, oh what do I do, what do I dooooo, we've been together nearly 30 years and have adult children, we're so comfortable, oh but yes you're right, what he's done is so awful and I haven't given him any consequences and I should, shouldn't I'.

Yet you don't actually seem to have progressed one single inch. You don't really seem to have any anger towards your H at all, or if you do, it's not apparent from what you've written. To me your responses seem kind of robotic, like you're just saying what you think you should say rather than because you actually feel it. It seems to me that you have no real intention of leaving what is clearly a comfortable, well-off lifestyle, and keep finding excuses why you can't. To this end, you're putting all the blame on the OW rather than on your H where it actually lies, and are trying your hardest to convince yourself that when your H is away from the office and not seeing her every day, all will be well again. It won't be, but you're detemined to ignore what everyone is saying here.

Agree with this,
Op you are enabling him to continue with his ow, he has anything he wants and nothing to lose because he knows your not going to act on it, the ow sitting pretty too,
Your anger should be with him alone, he has damaged your marriage your trust, your self-esteem op, if only he processed your life together as you do this would never have happened,

Believe me yes the ow, but if not her there will be another along the way because he can without consequences from you,

How do you really feel when you look at him, when he climbs into your bed, how do your really feel, how do you cope knowing what you know, that alone shouldn't sit right with you, yes 30 years I understand but op you need to get angry and make a choice here, he made a choice to embark on a relationship with this ow, do you think he lays awake at night, ?? When he is spending time with ow is he feeling guilty, no op he isn't, you're make it OK for him to continue living this way,
Do what's right for you, your dignity your pride,

Imagine having this conversation with your adult daughter, what advice would you give her op,

@CalliecarpaExactly this. It’s the seeming passivity I can’t wrap my head around. I can understand reluctance, but it’s the flatness of OPs responses. I realise it may be shock, but 🤷🏻‍♀️

What the OW has done, have an affair with a man she knows is married to another woman, is a crappy thing to do. I'm not justifying her behaviour at all. But OP, you seem to have convinced yourself that if only she'd left your H alone, all would be completely fine, and that if he doesn't see her in the future, all will be completely fine again. He's just 'weak' and 'can't control himself' and was somehow 'manipulated' and enticed into having an affair with her. But that's not true at all. He has agency, he made choices, he didn't unwillingly and unwittingly fall dick first into her. Nobody, no matter how seductive or manipulative, can entice a person into having an affair he's not willing to have. He has lied to you and betrayed you, repeatedly. She didn't do that to you or make him do that to you. He is the person who is willing to do that to the woman he supposedly loves and has made vows to. And as he's already done this to you, who's to say he won't do it again with someone else, even if he never sees or has any contact with this woman again as long as he lives? How can you ever feel safe and secure in your marriage again?

He loves her. If that doesn’t make you realise that your relationship is over then you are a bigger fool than him.

This thread reminds me of the really long running thread last year where the poor OP's H was in a relationship with his colleague. He repeatedly said he wasn't doing anything wrong because he hadn't had sex with her but on every other level it was an affair , including socialising with her and very very frequent messaging. Because he said he didn't believe in emotional affairs he convinced OP she was mentally unwell. She was on medication caused by his behaviour and he was happy to destroy his wife's mental health rather than admit he was in a relationship with another woman. And in that thread the OP just kept on and on not listening to anything any poster said to her. She kept loving him despite the fact his atrocious behaviour was destroying her. All she seemed to want was him to stop spending his time messaging the OW. I can't remember what the out come was.

But OP on this thread reminds me very much of the OP on that thread. Absolute refusal to deny her H's culpability and a passive acceptance of his behaviour.

In these situations where the husband continues to hurt after discovery I always wonder what they are even fighting for? What is the relationship going to look like even if the ow disappears off the face of the earth? The trust is shattered, the emotional connection lost. I can only imagine that it becomes more about ‘winning’ and that feeling that you’ve been ‘chosen’ than about anything genuine or real. The future relationship will be underlying tension and resentment and guilt and wondering if he really did ‘choose’ you or he was just too weak to leave.

Yes your right,

Take away the ow, what's left, because op will eventually hate husband for this, yes love and hate very thin line to walk, op will spend the rest of time not trusting him, checking his fone, wondering were his is who's he with,
It not that he chose wife over ow but the fact he actually did it anyway, that's if at all he leaves ow,
It's a poor example how husband treats wife and how much wife is prepared to tolerate, what message does that send to children