Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

@Isthiswhatmenthink He is open with his phone, yes. At the same time, I don't know what goes on at his workplace as I'm not physically there. I only know what he tells me.

Which you know to be lie after lie, don't you?

You also don't know if this is his only phone.

It's quite common where a man is having an affair or systematically cheats on his wife or partner to have a second phone to communicate with his lover/s.

And in these cases they make a big thing of being open with the phone their partner. Knows about because they know all the evidence is on their second hidden phone.

@MyLittleNest Interesting question. My approach/reaction so far has been to block her on social media, avoid her. I have never come up to her on the street even though I could have because I know where she lives and works and, as I've said earlier, I live in a regional town. I also never called or texted her even though I can find out her number in a few seconds from H.
I don't know if my approach is the right one...

Please don’t lower yourself anymore then you already are by staying with this waste of space, by going pleading to the OW to leave him alone and not tempt him away.

@MammaTo pleading to the OW is completely out of the question. I have too much anger towards her.

And not enough anger towards him. Your weakness is going to allow him to walk over you, repeatedly.

What is your ideal scenario from here op, ie; how are you hoping this plays out from where you are?

Not a trick question, but can you step us through the ideal script or plot as you would envisage it?

@Calliopespa that H stays in his current job, the OW leaves the city and never returns. H and I have a happy peaceful marriage, with no lies or cheating. We rebuild our relationship and become stronger than ever.

I think that would be my ideal script. Does this sounds too naive?

far too naive !

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon In what way?

Op you're dreaming. You can't trust him, he's proven that. Why are you desperate to stay with him?

I'm sorry @Strawberrina but it does sound too naive.

Why is getting OW out of the way the only thing you're focused on?

If you could send her to the moon, never to return, you won't suddenly feel happy and safe. He's done this once so you'll always know it's highly possible he'll just find another OW. Your head and nervous system will always know this.

You're doing something so many women do in this position and focusing all your anger on OW. While that's understandable you should be feeling a lot more anger towards your H. The fact that you aren't and you just desperately want to remove her so you can go back to a happy, loving marriage shows that you really aren't facing reality at all.

People can be very blunt on here which isn't nice but it often is the voice of someone who knows how this is going to play out because they've been there. However much you love him, the cold, hard truth is that he doesn't love you the same way. He would NOT have cheated if he did and would not continue to work with her. That is just a fact and I think people really just want you to wake up for your own sake as you only seem interested in moving her out of his life and going happily back to a loving relationship and it just doesn't work like that.

Women waste years in this kind of situation, feeling hurt, anxious, low and depressed. Constantly working on 'surviving' infidelity when there is so much more to life than just existing and surviving. Women thrive when they shed these cheating men who have caused no end of pain. Yes it's hard at first and you may love him but removing the cause of your pain and trauma means removing him from your life, not removing her from his.

he has cheated on you once that you know of with OW,
then
'I smelt women's perfume on him last week and confronted him about it. He admitted that they exchanged a couple of kisses, hugs, but no sex. '

you will never know when the opportunity arises again and he cheats again
and again
and again

he had already once gone back to her and reunited the affair...

'I smelt women's perfume on him last week and confronted him about it. He admitted that they exchanged a couple of kisses, hugs, but no sex. '

and if you really really really believe there was no sex involved then that was only because of lack of opportunity !

so far all you have had from him is words - no actual effort to find a new job...
just words
and I suppose...

ask yourself - truly -

do you believe him

do you trust him

do you forgive him

will you ever forget

OP I see that the gentle approach from PPs isn't getting through.

You're being an absolute mug. When people show you who you are believe them. If he had any remorse he would have told you but on both occasions you've found out.

He went back to her knowing full well that you took him back last time and you'll do it again. It gets to the point when you accept this behaviour so much you get the man and life you deserve.

Get rid!

Why should the OW have to uproot her home/job/life to make you feel better?

Which is valid, but what I don't understand is your seeming lack of anger towards your H. The OW has behaved badly (assuming she knows you exist and that she's having an affair with a married man), but your H is the one who's been cheating on you, lying to you, and betraying you. Why are you not utterly furious with him? You seem desperate to pin everything on the OW and blame her for all of it, and even now, 12 pages into this thread, you don't really seem to have taken on board what people have been saying to you. It's like you think that if she's somehow not around in the future, everything will be rosy and wonderful in your marriage again. It won't. Your H has cheated on you and lied and lied and lied. He took vows of fidelity to you and broke them. The OW didn't. And he will always be the person who did that to you, even if you could guarantee 100% that he'd never have any contact with the OW ever again - and of course you can't, and even if you could, how can you ever trust him again and be certain that he won't cheat again with someone else? He knows now that all he has to do is pretend that he's really really really sorry and sad about what he's done, and he'll never do it again, honest guv, and you'll forgive him and nothing will change. Sorry, OP, your feelings are your feelings, but I don't get it. I really don't.

You will never trust him again, his five months of leave, when you are at work, what will he be doing, potentially meeting up with the other woman, in her lunch break or she may take the odd day off. You mentioned 2 houses, if you own two homes, why can you not live in one of them? It's a scary thought but respect yourself more and get out, he is a liar and a cheat and I'm sure you deserve better.

Unfortunately very naive OP, because as all other have said the OW is not the problem, you're H is (he's not a DH)

IF you had a chance at happy peaceful marriage he'd have already done everything he could to make you feel like you could trust him again one day, he'd be remorseful and would not even entertain talking to this woman more than he had to.

Instead he's never stopped seeing her been at it again with her, and this time blaming it all on her. And you've lapped it up like a sap.

Be angry OP, but not at the OW she's a red herring, at your HUSBAND. Grow some backbone and see him for what he is

What do you think your husband would answer to this question?

' become stronger than ever.'

but it wasn't strong in the first place

he was and is unfaithful to you

he broke his wedding wows

I would put my foot down. It is a red line for them to continue working together.

Because it'll cost him money to leave. Also he's still got you at home for domestic duties/companionship/whatever & the OW as well. If you file for divorce he will lose assets.

Oh op. I know you want your marriage to work. You love your husband and you want to keep your family together.
As someone who has been/ us going through all this I tell you with care to walk away.
When my husband told me about his affair he initially agreed to work on our marriage. A couple of days later he was at an event with her and they slept together. I didn't know it until a couple of weeks later, he denied anything happened but I felt something off. He said he wasn't sure what he wanted.
Hands down best thing I did was tell him to go. He was so shocked, and tbh annoyed! He didn't know where he'd go, said it was bad for the kids etc but I couldn't handle him being there like that.
It gave me space to clear my head, pull on my big girl pants and get used to life without him.
That was what made him decide to end things with her. The risk to out family was real. He ended everything with her then asked to come home. I didn't let him straight away.
But there was no possible bad outcome to asking him to go. Either he'd come to his senses and come home or I'd be already working on building my life away from him. The limbo of him being home and unsure was way worse than either outcome.
Honestly it's been a hard hard road and it's still hard, I don't know if I'd choose staying If I had really known what it was going to involve.
But either way you have to take control of this, ask him to leave. Either he'll run off with her or he'll be shaken enough to make changes but you won't be stuck anymore.
I say this all with lots of love as someone who's been there. You aren't daft or naieve for wanting it to work out, but it won't change unless you make it.

It does sound a bit naive oP.

I can understand wanting this, and I’m a little less adamant than some others that he would definitely move on to someone else; sone affairs ARE one-offs.

But there still seems to me to be two problematic aspects here.

The first is that you actually have no ability to make her depart the scene. By focusing on her actions, you are pinning your hopes on the one actor in all this over whom you have no influence whatsoever. It’s entrusting everything to chance - a whim and a prayer.

The second is that all this “solution” does is remove her out of temptation’s reach for your DH. Surely the desired solution should involve HIM no longer wanting her, not just a removal of his ability to access her? I think if anything salveageable is to come out of this, you need to focus on playing your cards so that he comes to his senses, not remains like a child in the nursery with his shiny car placed on top of the wardrobe. Where is the meaningfulness for you in that?

I do get that your are fire-fighting the situation and getting rid of her seems the easiest solution. But it leaves you with a DH problem.