Husband had an affair - advice needed!

[Strawberrina]

I found out last year that my husband had an affair with a work colleague who is 25 years younger than him. The affair was emotional as well as physical. He was and is her manager at the workplace. The difficulty is that they continue to work together in a small office consisting of 4-5 members of staff, including them, and see each other almost every day. The town in which we live is a small regional town and there are limited jobs available for someone with his level of experience. We have reconciled and are working through things, but I'm at my wits end about what to do! I'm not happy that they work together and see each other almost daily.
Any advice would be welcome!

you mean he won’t see her at work for that time?

When he takes this annual leave for 5 months, I’m assuming you will still be working for at least some of that time. They’ll be meeting up. Prob in you bed. Leave him.

Bin him off. He betrayed you.

Hi @rainbowlou yes, that's what I meant. He won't see her at work for that time.

Hi @TipsyJoker yes, I will be working for some of that time. I work full-time at a university.

Hi @NewDogOwner yes, he did admit to having feelings for her. They work together in a small team of 4-5 people.

I've told my sister who lives overseas. Her first reaction was for me to divorce him immediately. She then told my parents, so they know as well. Our two adult children (both in their 20s) know.
His parents or siblings don't know.

OP, @Strawberrina I really, kindly, want to shake you and make you see sense.

I know what you’re thinking. You think that if you tell him to leave, you’re going to push him right into the arms and bed of the other woman, and that is unbearable to you. It is. And he probably would. At least for a time. But that is vastly preferable to living your life with your husband lying and cheating on you because he has absolutely no respect for you, whatsoever. All he has to do, if he’s found out, is look sad and sorry. And you forgive him and cling yet more desperately to your marriage, desperate to be the woman that ‘won’. He’s no prize. And the marriage is already over. He broke it.

Please, dig really deep to find your self-respect. He’s making an utter, utter fool of you.

Hi @SunflowerTed thank you for your reply. If he wants to be with her, like you say, why does he continue to live with me under one roof? He isn't forced to stay.

The question is more why do you want to stay with him?

I think some of the earlier posters gave a very plausible answer to this question: because it's financially to his advantage to stay with you atm.
He is probably biding his time and when it suits him he will leave.
You received some good advice up thread from pp who talked about this.

@TheMimsy I suspect you are right - the flirting, little looks and comments in the office just continued... they never really stopped until I confronted him the second time.

If he lied again and said “yeah I’m sorry, I’m so devastated, but we kissed again,” would you be able to forgive it again @Strawberrina? Would you be able to forgive him again and again? How many times?

I know this is really horrible for you OP but it's 3 weeks since you first posted.

You've had so many replies on the thread.

Yet from your latest updates you sound exactly in the same mindset as when you first posted: fixating on the fact he hasnt left you YET and as though you are clinging on to some hope that all of a sudden he's going ditch his mistress and chose you.

I just wonder what the point of the thread is now because you don't seem to want to listen to what posters are saying.

And if he for some reason did finish his relationship why on earth would you want to be with this selfish entitled man who has ridden rough shod over your feelings and taken you for a fool?

I can't believe that you are watching him go off to work to spend each day with his mistress, the woman he has told you he loves. You are in effect in an open marriage.

@Strawberrina get a grip of yourself woman!!! toss him out and take him for as much as you can!!!

What makes you think those comments, touches, flirty looks won’t be continuing?

My guess is she won’t be wearing perfume to the office anymore. Or maybe she will if she wants you to know.

Or do you think he is refusing to make eye contact and walking away every time she starts a conversation that’s not work related? Problem is whatever he says you cannot trust.

It seems that you don’t have any intention of leaving him so I think you will need to accept that being with him will always come with the premise that he has another woman in the background and he may or may not leave you at some point. I know you hate this but it’s the reality. Sticking your head in the sand won’t change it. If you can live with this and the benefits of staying with him outweigh the negatives then that is your choice to make.

Unfortunately having a truthful and faithful husband is no longer an option.

and what response did you get from your parents and your adult children - I suspect your adult children are disgusted he is treating their mother like this.

Well, I think it's very likely they were continuing with way more than flirting, little looks and comments. He came home reeking of her. I'm think they're still sleeping together.

Iv been in your shoes and they no longer worked together but I couldn’t trust again. I left. Hardest decision but best for my mental health. If I did forgive in your situation regardless of job opportunities the right thing for him to do was to leave. To show you an ounce of respect. You can do better He’s taking the piss. X

@Sweetpeas123 thank you for your reply. May I ask if you left straight away when you found out about the affair, or you first tried to make it work with ex H? Was his affair also with a colleague?

Can’t be bothered to leave?
Money , the upheaval of moving.
The fact she might not want him to.
Some OW are quite happy just to have an affair.

It will be interesting to see how he copes during the five months apart from OW.

Plan some wonderful travel far away with husband.
And I would be expecting him to seriously find a new job after the five months leave.

Hopefully it was a major brain blip - not to be repeated.

Hi love. So my husband worked away
midweek. I trusted him. I was an idiot. After 10 yrs he came home to work. His guilt got on top of him as then our relationship was perfect then. And he told me. I honestly thought I would never give him a chance. It wasn’t once !!!! and I was clueless. But for the sake of our family and as the situation was better I asked him to attend counselling. He was sorry. But he couldn’t tell me everything and I found myself checking his work laptop to see who he was attending meetings with. I couldn’t trust him. So after 6 months of trying I had to leave. 7 yrs on I’m in a new relationship and sad thing is I think me ex is still regretful although soon moved on ! it ripped us apart because affair is bad enough but like the counsellor said to get over it there has to be full disclosure. Full regret. Boundaries set and trust rebuilt.
I only wanted the details and he couldn’t share so how can you built trust.
maybe you could try counselling. I was willing to admit our relationship wasn’t perfect I needed my husband at home. And now it was and this awful realisation of what he did behind my back. I would expect him to jump through hoops to prove change and remorse and working with her is unforgivable to you. I’m so sorry your going through this x

My advice. Get a recommended good divorce lawyer. I filed as my marriage was important to me and I wanted to list why I was asking for the divorce. I was in a state of shock, disbelief and upset. I didn’t think I was entitled to much and he was main breadwinner. My solicitor took control and that wasn’t the case at all. I didn’t have to attend court. He agreed. Get your ducks in a row. First 30 mins always free and costs can be passed over as part of the settlement assuming your married x it’s not your fault x

Has he shown you his phone? Is he open with it?