He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

It sounds like this guy has been pushing pushing pushing continually trying to goad OP into kicking him out. This is clearly a step too far and he needs to be reported. OP, do you have any good friends you can take with you for support over this? This man is evil.

I work for Rape Crisis and what you have written about him raping you is worse than some of the stuff l hear every day. Please please leave. This is a dangerous situation and will only get worse.

To be clear. He should be in prison.

You are disassociating because of the trauma.

Go to the police now. He will escalate this behaviour, and I can not stress to you how dangerous this is.

I agree with everyone else who has said that you are in danger @fairydustforme , this man is doing all he can to control you and push you into a state where you are dissociated and unable to think for yourself or make rational decisions.

OP I am so very sorry for what has happened to you. You did nothing to deserve that treatment and nothing he says changes the fact that he has sexually assaulted and raped you.

Please do get in touch with the crisis services above, and the police if you feel able. They will help you.

It's time to report him for rape and get out.

Is your son safe?

@fairydustforme I was very sorry to read your update and I know it must feel like a shock to have your fears confirmed here about what he has done to you. This is not your fault, you are not to blame but you must take steps to protect yourself physically and legally if you can.

There was something very off about your earlier posts about him which didn’t quite tally with your descriptions about how sure you’d been of him as a partner. With your latest update I suspect his behaviour has been controlling and abusive throughout the relationship.

His attitude to IVF seemed at best ignorant, but now reads as an attempt to degrade and belittle you. His certainty that infertility was down to you and not his marvellous swimmers again, ignorant but actually designed to make you feel like a failure. His degrading comments about knocking up a council estate bird, shockingly misogynistic but also, designed to show what little worth he holds by any female including you as more than a brood mare. And buying a ring and proposing after 6 months suggests love bombing. Which is all part of the pattern.

Given this, Op I would also look closely at whether you have been subject to financial abuse and / or coercive control around financial decisions. It sounds like you’ve taken on, and now risk some big financial burdens. Who financially benefits if he leaves before the summer? How much risk have you taken on versus him? If you suspect any financial abuse I would also speak to a solicitor.

I also find it highly unlikely he has remained faithful to you - his late night working, being out of contact while he’s out, general attitude to you etc I would expect he is pursuing other women. You need to get an STI test.
Sending huge strength and empathy 🌼

I’m so sorry OP. Pp are right what he did was rape and it’s part of a pattern of escalating behaviour. He has you completely confused grasping at straws, not knowing if he wants to stay or go. This is the sign you need that he is not a good man. He should not be moving on to someone else so he can do it to them. You need to report him. Even if he doesn’t get prosecuted it will hopefully be on his record in some capacity.

After your first post I was sure he was having an affair. He was following the script- been unhappy for a while, it’s all your fault, he needs to find someone else etc. He still might be, but the other scenario is he was waiting until you were in too deep to show you his true self. He love bombed you, wanting to marry you, then when he got you tied in to a house his controlling and abusive nature came out. It makes him feel powerful. He’s enjoying the power he has over you including raping you, confusing you, and belittling you. Get away from him as soon as possible. Sell the house if you need to but get out soon.

So he’s happy to rape you, sexually assault and be a pig
leave, now, and report him to the police for rape

Thank you for all of the advice, support & kindness. It means more to me than anyone can imagine right now. My brain is in constant overdrive so it’s really helpful to get outside perspective.

In answer to some of the questions:

This has always happened during the day whilst my son is in school. We’ve not once had sex at night whilst in bed. I’m now starting to see that that alone is a strange situation.

Looking back he has always tried to make me feel like he’s something special, telling me if woman had approached him whilst out, telling me how good looking he is, stating that he doesn’t find it hard to get female attention, but chooses not to as he got all the female energy he needed at home.

He was previously dismissed from the police force for gross misconduct relating to an allegation made by his ex partner that he was abusive towards her, controlling, mind games etc. She never actually gave evidence or pressed charges, but the case went ahead anyway, no criminal charges were made but he subsequently is on the police barred register. He always stated that the police raise these matters over nothing, but I’m now questioning how true this is. It is actually all over the internet, and he has concealed this in order to get his current work. Without his job he actually is nothing, and if I reported him for SA along with highlighting his previous record he’d never get work in his field again. It does seem extreme to ruin someone’s life like this, but perhaps he deserves it.

He is currently away, and will be away for the majority of the summer. For the first time since this all started, he’s actually communicating a lot with me, and has rang to see how I am, being nice, a tiny glimmer of the old person I knew, I’m guessing it’s all a show as he’s aware that I feel his behaviour towards me is abusive, so he’s probably trying to keep me happy so I don’t report him. Although I have told him I don’t want him to contact me if he’s only doing it for me and not him. He is aware that I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t fully commited and all in with our lives.

I am a lot more successful than him. He has put all that he earns into our joint account, although has stopped recently, however that’s only a fraction of what I earn. I own a company that is reasonably successful and employs a lot of people, it’s how we could afford our new home. Our new home is run as a business, and whilst it currently is a going concern as we’ve not been here a year yet, it is an asset and decent business, so I would actually be much better off financially once the initial costs have caught up. His input isn’t even 20% of what mine is. We also both own individual properties, so I’m in no way financially dependent on him, but at present the outgoings for here outweigh the income, but that is set to change in the next couple of months. Plus the loan I took from my other company will be paid back by the end of the summer. So financially it’s not doom & gloom for me, but still have a couple of months of managing it until it’s fully profitable.

writing all this down is so helpful, and I feel a bit happier and calmer, so I can’t thank all the lovely MN ladies (and men) for helping me. You will never know how valuable this has been for me right now, and I’ll continue to update this as & when I can.

Without his job he actually is nothing, and if I reported him for SA along with highlighting his previous record he’d never get work in his field again. It does seem extreme to ruin someone’s life like this, but perhaps he deserves it.

He is a serial abuser and a rapist. He absolutely deserves it. Please, please report him.

He always stated that the police raise these matters over nothing

Umm, that's certainly not my perception of the police.

So him abusing you is actually a pattern, he got chucked out of the police because of his behaviour to another woman. Thank goodness for that as such a man shouldn't have a position of authority over women.

He raped you. It's not just about his life.

It's not your responsibility to report him, but if you do feel able to, don't think about his life, think about the women he may meet in future.

If you choose to make this a police matter, @fairydustforme, it won't be you who has ruined his life. He will have ruined his own life by abusing women.

I would have thought the police will take you seriously because they have enough evidence of their own that he is the kind of person you say he is.

You would not be ruining his life. He has ruined his life through his own decisions and actions. You would simply be making sure the law is followed. Rape is illegal and anyone who commits rape knows it.

You deserve to prioritise yourself and your son. Keep yourself safe, keep yourself happy. Please don't prioritise the feelings of a serial rapist.

Please take a look at these images. The first will help you to recognise if your relationship is abusive, and the second will highlight that him currently being nice is textbook honeymoon period (also called reconciliation) from the cycle of abuse. If you feel that your relationship has featured domestic abuse I’d urge you to complete the freedom programme (you can do it online), to reach out to a local domestic abuse charity and to read why does he do that. All that will help you to reconnect with any gut feelings you might have been ignoring and to find strength.

@fairydustforme I would say please report . As he will carry on doing this .
Right now though you get yourself safe .
I think I’d tell him if he comes back near you , the home or contacts you again you are going straight to the police.
Do You think this would keep him away ? If so then block get yourself together befroe making anymore steps .

What about finding some Counseling to help you navigate what's happened? You will then be able to make a decision on reporting or not .
You owe him nothing and you wouldn’t be ruining his life he has done that by the choices he has made .

@fairydustforme so in your mind it is totally all right for him to ruin your life??? I would be finding ways to extricate myself from this non relationship both financially and physically!! you need to get rid well before his behaviour escalates. why is he away for the whole summer??? dont think he wont be getting sex elsewhere either! of course he is. he is always scoping the landscape!

This is awful and escalating. Prioritise your safety.

I am so very sorry to read your updates. Often on MN you just think 'that guy is an absolute cock' but this one is different.

Can you contact Women's Aid and get their advice on how to extricate yourself from him? I can see it is financially complex. You must already have a solicitor with whom you can work to do this as cleanly as possible. Women's Aid will be able to help you find the right language, for yourself as much as for others around you.

I'm glad he is away. You need him gone. But please also have an escape route. He's not safe.

My heart goes out to you. Take care.

Why are you still communicating with him and haven’t ended the relationship with him?

Although I have told him I don’t want him to contact me if he’s only doing it for me and not him. He is aware that I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t fully committed and all in with our lives.

Based on this comment in your update it sounds as if you haven’t ended the relationship. Why are you even having conversations with him around how you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t fully committed? This man is abusive your poor son is involved in this too.
Why are you failing to put the safety of your son and you before this man?

He's an abusive man who rapes you, abuses and violates you. He's done it before and he will do it again. This isn't bew behaviour if a past partner reported him and he was barred from the police force. There may be more allegations than what you are aware of or his abuse is escalating. This guy is a danger to you and frankly a danger to women. Ger the fuck out. You said he's away at the minute. You need to take this time to see a solicitor and cut all financial ties with him. You don't need his financial input if he cost mote than he brings in. Make a plan, get your ducks in a row and get the fuck away from him. Your safety is more important than anything.

As the police are institutionally sexist and misogynistic and have often protected the sex abusers and rapists and even murderers in their ranks, your partner's conduct must have been exceptionally bad for them to dismiss him for gross misconduct.

You are his meal ticket, his punching bag and his sex toy so he won't want to let you go. You do need to speak to a domestic abuse charity for advice on how to leave him safely.

So he's now raping and sexually assaulting you and acting like you 'wanted it'

Please call Women's Aid or a domestic abuse hotline. The police if you're feeling strong enough, but only do that with support from someone who is experienced with this.

I'm so sorry.

So tonight I’ve snapped. I’ve blocked him on everything and told my family what he’s done. I will be reporting him and will never see or speak to him again. I’m happy to struggle financially if it means I never have to deal with this person again. I’ve been so weak over the past few weeks but no more. As much as I didn’t want this I can see he’s not on my team, is not a good man, and deserves everything coming his way,

Well done OP. We're with you and I'm so sorry you're going through this. But, you have been anything but weak. You have been blinsided and needed clarity. You have been grieving and shocked and you have now found your anger. You are getting back to you, the resilient, smart, and strong woman we all believe you to be.

You're doing the right thing for you, your child, and every other unsuspecting woman out there. That takes incredible strength.

You will be okay x