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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

527 replies

fairydustforme · 09/04/2025 08:09

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

OP posts:
Scrubbingblinds · 15/05/2025 10:09

That's really disappointing that he does that to you OP. Given your ex? reads your thread, I'd like to offer him some advice. Your behaviour towards this woman is abusive. Please work hard on yourself and have therapy to notice your behaviour patterns before embarking on any more relationships and bringing children into the world. At the moment you are not in a position to be a good parent.

I hope you find peace and someone better to build a life with OP.

PinkArt · 15/05/2025 11:03

How does he know about this thread? Did you tell him or is he either using tracking software or manually keeping tabs on your online activities? Please don't reply as it may well make your situation worse, but that was a worrying update to read so I'd love you to have your eyes fully open to the level of risk he may be.
Stay safe. Keep posting with name and details changes, if that would help, so people can be here for you. Don't antagonise him, do find a way to get away from him as soon as you safely can. This man is bad news.

welshmercury · 15/05/2025 12:53

fairydustforme · 15/05/2025 08:20

Thanks for thinking of me. I’m ok. So much has happened and I do want to update this thread, however my (d)p looks on here and knows about this thread, so I don’t feel I can right now.

In a nutshell, we are still living together, trying to sort this finances out and will see where things lay once that has happened. Neither of us looking to date whilst we still live in this position, we’re getting on fine, although a lot has changed.

when I feel it’s safe to do so I will return with a full update.

love & thanks to all x

Show quote history

Change your password and user name. Partner should not be snooping on you.

Livingbytheocean · 15/05/2025 16:36

Stalking and monitoring you in this way is really alarming and I hope you have told people in real life op, and if you haven’t please do.

I am sorry he really is a long way from the man you thought he was. Look after yourself

Original poster
fairydustforme · 23/05/2025 06:32

I think I can now update this thread, although even if he sees it I don’t actually care.

Since everything kicked off we’ve pretty much been at loggerheads. I pushed for answers and he retracted further and further away. To start off with he wanted space for things to calm down to then see how he feels, but leaving me in limbo like that meant I pushed more for clarity. It’s ended up with him wanting to separate due to various different reasons, but the main one is he feels that there is now so much negativity between us that too much has been said & happened. We’ve not really argued, but it has been so hard to get him to talk and open up. He’s said that he’s not been happy for a while, which is news to me as just before this all happened he was excited about going away on holiday for my birthday and was still very much planning for the future.

What has happened though is that he’s become further & further distant, his communication when we’re apart is now non existent, and he states that we have nothing to talk about, yet when we’re around each other he’s still affectionate & loving. He’s said he doesn’t want to move out yet, and we’ve discussed him leaving at the end of the summer once we’ve sorted the finances out, yet he’s said that he’s happy to stay, doesn’t want to leave, and he’ll make his decision when it comes to it. Although this changes on a daily basis, and when he’s away from work he comes home and purposely tries to antagonise me. He always gets in very late or early hours (this is normal) and will wake me up by saying something, then once I’m awake try and go to sleep and accuse me of keeping him awake. He came back last night and woke me to tell me he’ll sleep in the spare bed, yet we’ve had numerous conversations about us still sharing a bed whilst we’re in this place. He’ll throw comments like he wants to date other people, then will back track and say he doesn’t want to do that just yet.

The biggest problem I have is around sex. I’m not particularly emotional when it comes to sex, I can sleep with him and not read anything into it. We always had an incredible sex life, and I was more than happy to sleep with each other whilst we remain living together so that neither of us were sleeping with other people, as neither of us are in a position to drag someone else into this mess. Over the past few weeks he said that we shouldn’t sleep together anymore, it’s too complicated for him and it didn’t feel right. The very next day he wanted to have sex, but refused to ‘finish’ anywhere else but anally. He is very aware I’m not a fan of anal sex. Another couple of days after he again wanted sex and this time forced me to do anal with him. I asked him to stop and I was crying, but he wouldn’t stop. I brought it up with him the next day and he tried to tell me that we’ve always been playful with saying no when I don’t mean it, and that he could tell I was enjoying it by the end. This is not the case. I was in pain the next day and told him I felt weird about what happened. A few times he has tried to deep throat me to the point of gagging, and today after a very emotional chat announced that we could have no strings sex but he then decided to pin me down and finish all over my face, something he’s never done before and he knows I would not be ok about it. I feel utterly humiliated and dare I say it abused. I don’t know whether to do anything or say anything about what he’s been doing to me. There is no one in real life I’d dare tell this to.

I’m almost having an out of body experience, I’m usually so strong and composed, but this has turned me into a wreck. Everytime he says something that is rejecting me or our relationship, I get triggered into this state of fear and panic. I can’t function properly day to day, and every area of my life feels awful. I’m so down and low. When he’s not around I feel ok, but I don’t want to tell him to go before the finances are sorted as I know I’ll struggle to do everything and pay everything. I’m so tired of all of this. I don’t feel I deserve to be treated like this, but I don’t currently have the strength to change the situation. I just feel lost & in fear about my future. There’s so much more I could say, but my brain is struggling to remember everything that is going on.

OP posts:
MissScarletInTheBallroom · 23/05/2025 06:36

What the hell have I just read?

I'm so sorry OP.

I don't see how you can continue to live in the same house as him, even temporarily.

Thank God you didn't have children with him.

thepariscrimefiles · 23/05/2025 06:39

OK, this is rape and sexual assault and you should go to the police. If you can't do that, at least tell him that if he does it again you will go to the police and tell him to leave immediately. If he refuses to leave, is there anyone that you can go and stay with?

Speak to domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid. He sounds really dangerous.

category12 · 23/05/2025 06:53

OP, he's raped you and he's sexually assaulted you.

You're disassociating because of it.

What he's doing isn't normal or OK. He's using sex to punish and traumatise you.

Please try to talk to Rape Crisis.

Please get yourself out of this living situation. Go stay with family or a friend to get your head straight for a bit. Work out the finances from a distance.

SparklyGlitterballs · 23/05/2025 07:08

OMG! Abused? OP the bastard has raped you, can you not see that? The only people you should be speaking to are the police. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Please stop having sex with this monster and separate from him as soon as possible. Speak to Women's Aid if necessary to get help, but please, please don't let him near you again. He's dangerous.

You said he knows about this thread. Well, this bit is addressed to him...if you're reading this, you're a piece of shit and a rapist. When a person says no to sex or a sexual activity and you proceed anyway, that's rape. I hope OP has the sense and strength to report you. You don't deserve to be with any woman if you can't respect them, and certainly don't deserve kids. Fucking disgusting is what you are.

BillyBoe46 · 23/05/2025 07:14

fairydustforme · 23/05/2025 06:32

I think I can now update this thread, although even if he sees it I don’t actually care.

Since everything kicked off we’ve pretty much been at loggerheads. I pushed for answers and he retracted further and further away. To start off with he wanted space for things to calm down to then see how he feels, but leaving me in limbo like that meant I pushed more for clarity. It’s ended up with him wanting to separate due to various different reasons, but the main one is he feels that there is now so much negativity between us that too much has been said & happened. We’ve not really argued, but it has been so hard to get him to talk and open up. He’s said that he’s not been happy for a while, which is news to me as just before this all happened he was excited about going away on holiday for my birthday and was still very much planning for the future.

What has happened though is that he’s become further & further distant, his communication when we’re apart is now non existent, and he states that we have nothing to talk about, yet when we’re around each other he’s still affectionate & loving. He’s said he doesn’t want to move out yet, and we’ve discussed him leaving at the end of the summer once we’ve sorted the finances out, yet he’s said that he’s happy to stay, doesn’t want to leave, and he’ll make his decision when it comes to it. Although this changes on a daily basis, and when he’s away from work he comes home and purposely tries to antagonise me. He always gets in very late or early hours (this is normal) and will wake me up by saying something, then once I’m awake try and go to sleep and accuse me of keeping him awake. He came back last night and woke me to tell me he’ll sleep in the spare bed, yet we’ve had numerous conversations about us still sharing a bed whilst we’re in this place. He’ll throw comments like he wants to date other people, then will back track and say he doesn’t want to do that just yet.

The biggest problem I have is around sex. I’m not particularly emotional when it comes to sex, I can sleep with him and not read anything into it. We always had an incredible sex life, and I was more than happy to sleep with each other whilst we remain living together so that neither of us were sleeping with other people, as neither of us are in a position to drag someone else into this mess. Over the past few weeks he said that we shouldn’t sleep together anymore, it’s too complicated for him and it didn’t feel right. The very next day he wanted to have sex, but refused to ‘finish’ anywhere else but anally. He is very aware I’m not a fan of anal sex. Another couple of days after he again wanted sex and this time forced me to do anal with him. I asked him to stop and I was crying, but he wouldn’t stop. I brought it up with him the next day and he tried to tell me that we’ve always been playful with saying no when I don’t mean it, and that he could tell I was enjoying it by the end. This is not the case. I was in pain the next day and told him I felt weird about what happened. A few times he has tried to deep throat me to the point of gagging, and today after a very emotional chat announced that we could have no strings sex but he then decided to pin me down and finish all over my face, something he’s never done before and he knows I would not be ok about it. I feel utterly humiliated and dare I say it abused. I don’t know whether to do anything or say anything about what he’s been doing to me. There is no one in real life I’d dare tell this to.

I’m almost having an out of body experience, I’m usually so strong and composed, but this has turned me into a wreck. Everytime he says something that is rejecting me or our relationship, I get triggered into this state of fear and panic. I can’t function properly day to day, and every area of my life feels awful. I’m so down and low. When he’s not around I feel ok, but I don’t want to tell him to go before the finances are sorted as I know I’ll struggle to do everything and pay everything. I’m so tired of all of this. I don’t feel I deserve to be treated like this, but I don’t currently have the strength to change the situation. I just feel lost & in fear about my future. There’s so much more I could say, but my brain is struggling to remember everything that is going on.

He is raping you @fairydustforme. You said no and he continued. He is raping you and violating you. You need to get to safety. This will escalate while he has access to you.

abs12 · 23/05/2025 07:15

Get him out OP. If he doesn't budge, call the police and call women's aid, rape crisis...

Finances are irrelevant in a situation like this. Your wellbeing and safety is compromised. Please OP, talk to someone and get him out.

If he reads this, you're a scummy rapist piece of shit. Get the fuck out. In case you can't hear us, GET THE FUCK OUT.

Fishergirl · 23/05/2025 07:18

@fairydustforme I can't believe what I've just read. I'm so sorry. That is fucking abhorrent. Please go to Women's Aid and the Police.

Coatsoff42 · 23/05/2025 07:26

I’m so sorry @fairydustforme he’s messed with your head, and he’s raping and sexually assaulting you. He doesn’t love you or care about you at all.

Phone Samaritans if you need to say it out loud. Write it down on a piece of paper and read it like it’s someone else you love living through this. Call Women’s aid.

Get very far away from him and keep yourself safe. You’re a one of a kind human being, there’s no one else like you in this world, you’ve got strengths and talents no one else has, and you don’t deserve to be treated like this.

MayaPinion · 23/05/2025 07:28

I’m horrified by your update. He’s raping you to assert his dominance and humiliate and scare you, likely in an attempt to get you to leave. Please seek support. My worry is that you are now not safe with him. If he is violent in bed he can be violent in the home - this behaviour could escalate.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 23/05/2025 07:29

@fairydustforme look, he is now trying to find out how far he can use and abuse you!!!! he is not good for you and he is only thinking of himself at all times. his way, his wants, his needs!! he is a selfish horrible raping bastard. you need to throw him out now and to hell with the finances!! they can be sorted later and flat sold or whatever. your safety and your life is at stake here!!

Streaaa · 23/05/2025 07:31

Dear lord, this is horrific.

He has raped you multiple times
Please contact Women's aid, Rape Crisis charities.
Go to your doctor.

He is a very dangerous rapist.

Jk987 · 23/05/2025 07:34

It’s not clear whether you’ve been seriously ttc and if so for how long? Have you both been checked out re: your fertility?

It’s brutal but I don’t think he’s a vile pig for being honest.

GiantSaucepan · 23/05/2025 07:35

@fairydustforme I’m so sorry but this is rape and sexual assault. He knows it’s wrong but he is pushing and escalating to see his far he can abuse you.This will get worse - do not listen to him.

Speak to rape crisis - describe what is happening https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk

Report to the police.

Then get a solicitor and see if you can get an occupation order to keep him out of the house.

Have you got a child in the house?
Edited to add that the waking you up, starting arguments etc. messing to with your head - all of this is emotional abuse.

He is emotionally and sexually abusing you. I’m so sorry but you need to get away from him.

24/7 Rape and Sexual Abuse Support Line

Did something sexual happen to you without your consent? Or you're not sure? No matter when or where it happened, we are here for you.

https://247sexualabusesupport.org.uk

category12 · 23/05/2025 07:35

Jk987 · 23/05/2025 07:34

It’s not clear whether you’ve been seriously ttc and if so for how long? Have you both been checked out re: your fertility?

It’s brutal but I don’t think he’s a vile pig for being honest.

Read the OPs updates.

Jk987 · 23/05/2025 07:36

I posted before reading the awful update. I’m sorry this has happened and I hope you get the help you need.

Lostinmyself · 23/05/2025 07:38

❤️ sending you love and strength. Get this man out of your home. He has raped you!

MikeRafone · 23/05/2025 07:40

Run 🏃

PositiveCapybara · 23/05/2025 07:41

Im so sorry to hear this has happened to you OP 😞 sending you hugs for the anxiety - I know how horrible it feels. But - no matter how anxious and awful you are feeling -This is rape!! Your ex is not safe to be around. You need to get the hell away from him now - either go and stay somewhere safe or tell him to leave. And report this man to the police - he needs a serious wake up call and he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate this behaviour. X

Magicboobies · 23/05/2025 07:44

Please go to the police and get out

IButtleSir · 23/05/2025 07:54

As all the PPs have said, this man is a rapist. Please, please get some outside help, whether that be from Women's Aid or the police. You need to get him out of your life, for your and your son's sakes.