He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

This is domestic abuse and rape.

You need to leave, go this weekend. Do you have family? You need to get away so that you can get clarity.

You also need to tell someone in real life what he's done and what he's said to you.

Start with telling someone close to you - a parent or a sibling or a friend or even your GP.

@fairydustformehe’s dangerous. On every level. Please speak to someone. Rape Crisis might be a good place to start.

Sweetheart, you are dissociating. He has raped you, you know that and are understandably finding it very difficult to believe

Leave. Talk to the police. Keep yourself safe. Find someone you can talk to and tell them you need help and support.

If you can find more anger than fear call the police right now and get him out of the house

But first and foremost be safe and start talking to someone!

So he’s a bellend as well as a fucking rapist. Report the fucker to the police and be done with him. Sell the house and start again. He is NOT the man you thought or WANT him to be. He’s an abuser.

Please get out or move him out as possible. He is not a safe or good man. He is a danger to you and your son. He’s manipulated you into a very vulnerable position. Please tell someone- family/friends, police -he does not sound like he’d leave without causing you further harm and you need someone to be aware of the situation.

fuck me, that man is a total and utter monster. He’s repeatedly raped you. You absolutely DO NOT have to tolerate this and the quickest and most efficient way of getting rid of him is to report it to the police and get him arrested. I have reported a rapist myself and I promise you that you will be treated with the utmost respect by a team of specially trained officers and you will be taken very seriously. It sickens me that perverted arseholes like him run rampant over women’s rights to their own body and ignore their wishes for intimacy. I hope his cock rots and drops off.

@fairydustforme I am so sad to read your update. Your original post always felt off to me, your partners actions were confusing and unkind, his behaviour seemed odd. I’ve read your updates over the weeks and was concerned when you last posted that he was potentially watching the thread and that things had clearly changed for the worse.

Your update today is heart breaking. As I read it I kept thinking this was a very strange set up and not a healthy situation for you and then you shared the abuse. As others have said you are clearly disassociated from what he’s done to you but he is clearly very dangerous. He is not only messing with your head emotionally by flip flopping on what he wants, he’s destabilising by interrupting your sleep and being cruel in his treatment of you. The fact he has now raped and sexually assaulted you and you haven’t immediately reacted shows just how much he has got into your head.

I understand there are financial issues because of the property you share but none of that trumps your need to protect yourself and your son. Please reach out to someone in real life, it might help you to grasp the severity of what he has done. He is dangerous and you’ve no idea what he’s capable of, no doubt a few months ago you would never have thought he could rape you but unfortunately that’s the truth.

You can do this, you are stronger than you know.

I’m really surprised by the replies here.

He’s handling it horribly but he’s allowed to leave a relationship ship for whatever reason he wants and because he wants to be a father is a very valid one.

The was a post recently about a woman about to turn 40 whose partner changed his mind about wanting kids and everyone said dump him and find a sperm donor. So a woman can end a relationship to have kids another way (often it’s to have additional kids, not even A kid) but a man can’t?

He’s being a complete twat about it but he’s allowed to prioritise having a family over OP. Women do it all the time.

Let me suggest you read all the OP’s posts.

Read the OP's updates ffs!

I have and he clearly wasn’t ever “the love of her life” and “her man” and “her family”. He’s utterly abhorrent and she needs to get rid. She deserves so much better.

None of that changes my overall comment that if someone wants to leave a relationship for any reason they can, and to start a family is a perfectly good reason, they can, and women do that all the time. That is what this thread was about.

It changed into OP being in a clearly very abusive relationship but that isn’t/wasn’t what the post was about so clearly I am responding to what the post was about. What OP was looking for advice on. At no point did I say “I’m shocked the replies are saying he’s abusive” etc. I was very clearly only talking about the original purpose of the post at hand.

while I completely get he wants his own biological child - you two could have discussed egg donation or a whole range of things. i think maybe this new commitment stage has scared him.

I have. He’s abhorrent and she needs him out.

Doesn’t change the validity of my original comment. Men can leave a relationship to have a family with someone else if unable to do so with their current partner, and so can women. That in itself isn’t a horrible thing to do. Everything else he’s done, yes clearly that is truly awful

This man has created a situation where you were feeling very vulnerable and had your self esteem trampled on and has utilised that situation to rape you in your own home for his own gratification. He likely thought he could manipulate you in to thinking he did nothing wrong and get away with it. Please don’t allow him to get away with it. I would urge you to speak to the police but if that seems too big a step start with a friend or family member who can support you with this. He needs to be out of your home immediately and the police will likely give him bail conditions which ensure that, can support you with your ongoing safety and can refer you for specialist support.

Wow where is your poor son in all of this?

im sorry @fairydustforme . This man raped you and then gaslight you saying it wasn’t true because you enjoyed it.

Thats awful. 😢😢

So why are you solely responding to the OP, in view of her most recent update thst her partner is now ‘punishing’ her by anally raping her? Are you lacking in the most basic human sensitivity?

Just to add to every single response to your update...he's raping, manipulating, humiliating and controlling you OP. He's got you to a state where you're not even inhabiting your body or mind any more because of the trauma. You need help NOW to get away and start a new, beautiful life. There will never be a good time to leave so just go now because I'm afraid for you and so are many MNers 💐

Read the bloody room.

You are either completely deluded or else close to illiterate and so just don't understand your own post. Either way, I really hope you stop posting.

OP, I am so sorry for what you're experiencing. You deserve to be safe, to be happy, to have your home be your sanctuary. Please reach out for support in real life. Friends, family, GP, women's aid... please ask for the help you need to get yourself somewhere safe.

You need to go. I really hope you hadn’t read the updates because if you have, you’re an apologist for a rapist.

I think it'd be better if everyone ignored the doubling down posts of that poster, as it's derailing the thread. Please stop quoting them at least.

OP, I hope you're OK. You probably haven't really thought of it as rape and sexual assault, but it is what he's doing to you.

Please speak to someone and get safe.

Please call the police and report him. This man is a danger to women and should be in prison. I would also assume your teenage son knows that things within his home are very bad.

You need help from the authorities and you need it today. Abuse too thrives on secrecy.

@fairydustforme what would you think if someone else wrote this thread and you were reading it? You’d be thinking ‘get out now, this is rape/sexual abuse/coercion/manipulation and he definitely does not love her’.

He has done a real number on you, the disgusting piece of sh*t.

Please talk to Women’s Aid or Samaritans. If you cannot get out now, ask a friend to stay over. Move into the spare room and put a lock on the door and make plans to sell up/move any money that is yours.

Please, plan to get out and do so ASAP.

This is terrifying to read - no wonder you’re in bits.