He wants to leave if I can’t get pregnant - Content Warning (added by MNHQ concerns SA)

[fairydustforme]

I’ve (F39) been with my partner (M35) for 2.5yrs. Up until a couple of weeks ago he’s been the perfect partner. Committed, open, loyal, easy to communicate with etc. We have spoken about marriage, children etc and both were on the same page. We both wanted it all. For context I do have a DS (14) from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father, and him and DP get on great. He had said previously that as long as we at lease tried for children then he would be happy. We’ve been going to church for months so there was a possibility we could get married there. He’s even bought a ring previously. There was zero question in my mind about his commitment to me.

I noticed he started to become a bit distant a couple of weeks ago. We moved house 9 months ago and have undertaken a huge project, one we discussed together about how hard it would be. It has been a drain on our finances but we’re starting to come out the other side and the future looks bright, so I’d assumed it was the stress of this that was causing him to be a little off.

2 days ago I asked him what was wrong as I’ve felt him being colder towards me. To start off with he said he wasn’t sure and would think about why he was behaving like he was. After a bit more pressure he admitted that he was feeling that now he’s 35 he’s panicking and realised that he desperately wants to be a biological father.

He has now said that if I can’t get pregnant then he needs to find someone who can. I would love to have a family with him and he knows this, but he’s acting so cold towards me now, won’t communicate, tells me I’m having a go at him if I ask to discuss the future etc. We had discussed IVF previously, and I’ve offered that again but he’s just shut me out and doesn’t want to discuss anything.

He knows how upset I am, and has chosen to ignore me, not ask how I’m feeling, refuses to offer any reassurance about anything and knows I’m panicking about this huge commitment we took on together, knowing that he’s probably going to leave me with the responsibility of it all. Plus leave me because I’m older now, struggling to get pregnant and is happy to just let me face the upset that not only will I not get the family I dreamt of, I get left alone with all of the future plans we made and he expects me to support him to move on with someone younger so he can have a family elsewhere. He has said if the next woman can’t get pregnant that he would do the same with her. He’s not leaving me because of me, and he wouldn’t settle for any woman if it means him not being a father.

I do understand he wants to be a father, and I want to do that too. I’m not saying I won’t have more children, it’s not my fault that it’s not happened for us yet. And I feel I can’t offer more than I have, he knows I’m all in but that isn’t good enough.

just feeling like I need to discuss somewhere and with someone as I’m unable to discuss with him, and I’m feeling pretty hurt, scared and disappointed 😞

Send him this:

www.bbc.com/future/article/20230327-how-pollution-is-causing-a-male-fertility-crisis
Male infertility contributes to approximately half of all cases of infertility.

And this:
www.cambridgeurologypartnership.co.uk/urology-info-for-patients/testicles-penis/male-infertility/
Infertility affects approximately 15% of all couples, and male factors contribute to approximately half of these cases.

I definitely would puncture his bubble a little bit with these stats, but then, I'm mean like that if someone's insulted me.

OP has said he's been tested and his fertility is fine.

Arghhh...sorry, it's been a few days since I read all OP's posts and I forgot.

Sorry OP!

OP, you deserve someone who loves you no matter what. He has rules so his love is conditional. As sad as it is I would cut him off now before he starts looking elsewhere. And don't be surprised if after a baby eventually comes that he comes knocking back on your door for another chance. Slam the door in his face. He deserves nothing more from you ever.

Hello fairy, I am so sorry it has turned out this way. Sorry as well I can't do a proper detailed post like I wanted to. But you take the initiative and get rid of him, he's a manipulative headworker, cold, callous twit. If you still want to in the future you can plan other things that make you and your son happy. Have a good think. Take care

They couldn't find any issues with either of them so its currently unexplained infertility. And OP only mentioned his sperm count was good, it didn't sound very in depth testing.

I'd still argue it's more likely to be an issue on his end tbh. OP has had a child in the past and if the issue was due to her age then you'd expect that to be picked up relatively simply by the fertility testing... I think issues with sperm are often a more complex problem because there's been less research in this area as society has spent so long assuming its always the woman who's the problem!

No actually, according to the tests she was fine also. Only just sperms count was tested.

All my tests were fine. My AMH levels were fine, nothing untoward on the scans or blood tests. There was no reason or concerns given. In fact they told us to just keep trying and we would be excellent candidates for IVF if we did decide to go down that route

Is it possible that he just doesn't want to be with you and so doesn't want to try and be more locked in? He's just using the child thing as an excuse to hang his hat on?

I'm sorry OP, I understand trying to process what your life would be and the heartbreak and disappointment when someone doesn't deliver on promises. You can still have a child if that's what you want. IVF and sperm donation is possible especially if you're otherwise healthy.

Recover a little and decide what you want without the person who has wasted your time really cruelly x

Sounds a bit like he’s just trying to get out of the relationship and that’s his excuse

Does he really think it’s going to be that easy / quick to find a suitable partner ( that he loves) to have his children if he leaves you, that could take years at which point he could be an oldish Dad

I love my son so much, but I always dreamed of raising a child in a loving family unit. It’s just the biggest of blows for me.
A mother and son are a family unit op, just remember that. Yes your partner wants a baby but he needs to want you as much, you said you wish you could be stronger and say f you, I hope you get there because his actions have said that tenfold x

Argh, just no... to him.

You already have your wonderful son. It's not worth going back to the baby stage unless you really want it and the man/relationship is totally right.

I know you are heartbroken and he has really let you down. He's not a good man, carrying on like this.

@fairydustforme I think you should ask him to leave now so you can both have some space.

He needs to feel what it's like to be apart from you, and I think you need some space from him to absorb everything that's been said and to process where you are now.

I can understand him wanting to have a baby but refusing to even try IVF when you've previously been told you'd be good candidates??

Something seems off here. Are you absolutely certain no one has been turning his head? He was willing to go for fertility testing with you and now he doesn't want to even give IVF and is wondering "if he loves you enough"?!!

Many years ago I was in a situation with someone I loved desperately while I waited for him to decide if he wanted to stay. I think sitting passively while they decide if you're enough isn't a good idea. I didn't realise it at the time. I thought holding on was the best way to persuade him that he should stay. Huge mistake.

I know this is hard, I really do. But I think you should tell him to leave and go and do his thinking elsewhere. Tell him not to contact you. Have a full break. It will either bring him to his senses or you'll split for good. But I think if you just let things drift as they are, he'll leave anyway - it sounds as if he's already checked out. He needs to understand that it's not fair to blow hot and cold like this, and leave you hanging on.

Try and find your anger. You are worth so much more than how he's treating you. After all he's said and what you both agreed, he won't even give it a chance? Absolute fuckpig. I'm raging for you tbh.

That’s not how real love works, he’s just using you. I’ll be kicking him sideways immediately if this is how his behaving emotionally towards you now God only knows how it would be if you had a child with him.
Kick him to the kerb

I'm so sorry OP. Please don't feel bad about yourself. This is not about you, it is about him. It sounds to me that he is freaking out about his commitment to you and has used this as a convenient excuse to leave your relationship. If he loved you and was committed to you, he would try IVF. That is a no-brainer. The fact that he doesn't even want to try says everything.

He knew you were 4 years older than him when he got with you, this is not something that has changed. Do you know anything about attachment styles? The 2.5 year mark is a well-known time period for avoidantly attached people to freak out and end relationships on the most spurious of excuses.

As PPs have suggested, you need to kick him out and go no contact. This man would not make a good father, he is selfish and puts his own needs far above anyone else's. One day you will see that you have dodged a bullet.

This guy has issues, I doubt very much he will have the happy family with someone else. He might end up with a family, if it happens quickly enough but then he will just be another one of those men we read about on Mumsnet who leave their really young children because 'they never really wanted kids anyway'.

You already have a teenage son, how much do you want another baby?

Oh please don't! You'll be left holding the baby.

I'm a single mum too. He's now over 18. NO WAY would I want to go through it all again.

Let him go and find another mug to have his child. You'll be fine. Honestly, life is great without a man dragging you down.

You have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who is only satisfied with you if you can have his child.

I think that is appalling.

There are people who cannot have children and stay together, happily, because they love each other.

He may have just been feeling low when he said all that but I would be wary. You don't deserve this.

I can’t be the only one who thinks he’s using this as an excuse to leave? I don’t believe it’s really about having children, sounds like it gives him the out he wants.

I’m really sorry OP.

OP you've already had a child and you're only 39, an age at which most women get pregnant fairly easily. And on top of that tests confirmed your fertility has not plummeted. I'd venture there's an above 50% chance his fertility is the problem.

Sadly I also have a hunch from what you've written that he's looking for a way out and might have someone lined up already. Men hardly ever leave a relationship without it being the case.

I too think he might want to leave, op, and I'm sorry if that is the case. However, if it is so, thank goodness you haven't become pregnant, later on you'll thank your lucky stars.

Hope you’re ok @fairydustforme x

Thanks for thinking of me. I’m ok. So much has happened and I do want to update this thread, however my (d)p looks on here and knows about this thread, so I don’t feel I can right now.

In a nutshell, we are still living together, trying to sort this finances out and will see where things lay once that has happened. Neither of us looking to date whilst we still live in this position, we’re getting on fine, although a lot has changed.

when I feel it’s safe to do so I will return with a full update.

love & thanks to all x

If your DP looks at this thread I hope he realises how awful he is being.

So he is preventing you from having a safe space?

Thats what controlling abusers do.
This is not a good man.
I hope you get away from him asap.

We’ve been having unprotected sex for 2 years and have been properly trying (having sexual during fertile period) for over a year.

Wait, hang on, you were having unprotected sex within six months of being together!
Yeah, this prince of yours has realised that knocking you up isn’t as easy as he once thought and his ‘niceness’ has wained because it appears it was contingent on getting you pregnant without much effort and investment.

This relationship appears to have moved very quickly and now you’re experiencing the honeymoon come down.