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Original poster

Social services- any advice please

276 replies

Anonanonanon12 · 08/04/2025 15:23

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

OP posts:
Doolallies · 15/04/2025 21:48

fraughtcouture · 15/04/2025 21:25

I think this is a repeat poster who has been name-changing and posting multiple threads for years about her (completely, undeniably) abusive part-time doctor partner she won’t leave.

He emotionally abuses their joint child, has physically assaulted ( “pushed” ) her in front of him, and is also bullying and abusive towards her elder child (not his)

People have been offering sooo much advice and help, and warned/hoped that SS would at some point intervene, as the OP doesn’t seem bothered by the fact her children are being abused by proxy as well as directly, in a toxic environment; she just cares about if he will end their romantic relationship and leave her as he constantly threatens to.

I doubt she’ll come back to this thread now people are asking more searching questions rather than just giving her ideas as to how to evade SS investigation and keep her partner in the home.

If it is this poster, then SS involvement is not only sorely needed but long, long overdue.

Show quote history

Is this the one who’s partner threw a book at her head?

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 15/04/2025 22:33

fraughtcouture · 15/04/2025 21:25

I think this is a repeat poster who has been name-changing and posting multiple threads for years about her (completely, undeniably) abusive part-time doctor partner she won’t leave.

He emotionally abuses their joint child, has physically assaulted ( “pushed” ) her in front of him, and is also bullying and abusive towards her elder child (not his)

People have been offering sooo much advice and help, and warned/hoped that SS would at some point intervene, as the OP doesn’t seem bothered by the fact her children are being abused by proxy as well as directly, in a toxic environment; she just cares about if he will end their romantic relationship and leave her as he constantly threatens to.

I doubt she’ll come back to this thread now people are asking more searching questions rather than just giving her ideas as to how to evade SS investigation and keep her partner in the home.

If it is this poster, then SS involvement is not only sorely needed but long, long overdue.

Show quote history

This isn't me. I've not had a book thrown at my head either.

The reason I originally posted is because I wanted advice regarding the process with social services. I have been very anxious, not just for myself but for the sake of the children.
I haven't wanted to go into details about the relationship as that wasn't the purpose of my post.

To those who have shared personal experiences, thank you and I'm sorry to hear what you have been through. It's good to read stories of those who have come out the other side.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 15/04/2025 22:34

I wasn't asking how to evade SS investigation. Surely it's not possible to evade it and that is not what I was hoping to achieve. I just wanted to understand the process a bit more.

OP posts:
Outofthepan · 15/04/2025 23:15

Is your DP a doctor @Anonanonanon12 ?

StaredAtTheSun · 15/04/2025 23:16

fraughtcouture · 15/04/2025 21:25

I think this is a repeat poster who has been name-changing and posting multiple threads for years about her (completely, undeniably) abusive part-time doctor partner she won’t leave.

He emotionally abuses their joint child, has physically assaulted ( “pushed” ) her in front of him, and is also bullying and abusive towards her elder child (not his)

People have been offering sooo much advice and help, and warned/hoped that SS would at some point intervene, as the OP doesn’t seem bothered by the fact her children are being abused by proxy as well as directly, in a toxic environment; she just cares about if he will end their romantic relationship and leave her as he constantly threatens to.

I doubt she’ll come back to this thread now people are asking more searching questions rather than just giving her ideas as to how to evade SS investigation and keep her partner in the home.

If it is this poster, then SS involvement is not only sorely needed but long, long overdue.

Show quote history

Makes sense. OP has been so evasive it's clear there's a lot more going on, in which case no one can help her because she won't be honest with anyone, even SW. There's nothing much anyone can say. Hopefully help will be given and her children will be free of this situation one way or another

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 20:14

Outofthepan · 15/04/2025 23:15

Is your DP a doctor @Anonanonanon12 ?

No, he's not.

Finally heard from the social worker today "Hi anon, I need to see children/partner. Call me. Kind regards, Social worker". Literally it.

I called back twice and text her but no reply.

OP posts:
Outofthepan · 16/04/2025 20:20

Hopefully you’ll get in touch with her tomorrow and can get things moving. It should be of help to you, and safeguard your children

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 20:26

I just want it over with now. We are going away tomorrow for a few days and with the bank holidays everything will be delayed.
I need to ask her some practical questions; such as do I have to be out of the house when she speaks with my partner. I assume I stay in the house when she speaks to the children, just not in the same room. I'm also hoping she will advise what I can tell them.

OP posts:
Orangemintcream · 16/04/2025 21:03

Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 20:26

I just want it over with now. We are going away tomorrow for a few days and with the bank holidays everything will be delayed.
I need to ask her some practical questions; such as do I have to be out of the house when she speaks with my partner. I assume I stay in the house when she speaks to the children, just not in the same room. I'm also hoping she will advise what I can tell them.

Edited

More practical questions might be how if they believe the environment your children are having to live in is acceptable and if they will support you in leaving your partner.

Doolallies · 16/04/2025 21:03

Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 20:26

I just want it over with now. We are going away tomorrow for a few days and with the bank holidays everything will be delayed.
I need to ask her some practical questions; such as do I have to be out of the house when she speaks with my partner. I assume I stay in the house when she speaks to the children, just not in the same room. I'm also hoping she will advise what I can tell them.

Edited

I hope it’s soon for your sake and wishing it goes as well as it can. Thinking of you

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 21:06

Orangemintcream · 16/04/2025 21:03

More practical questions might be how if they believe the environment your children are having to live in is acceptable and if they will support you in leaving your partner.

Show quote history

Not really because it's jumping the gun a bit. I'd rather ask questions relating to the assessment first, as this is what is happening before anything else.

OP posts:
Outofthepan · 16/04/2025 21:12

@Anonanonanon12 I hope they help you to find a path that’s best for your dc.

nodeerinere · 16/04/2025 21:21

Can’t trawl through all responses for this but just to say a s17 assessment needs your consent. If you don’t consent to to then they can’t do it…

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 21:26

nodeerinere · 16/04/2025 21:21

Can’t trawl through all responses for this but just to say a s17 assessment needs your consent. If you don’t consent to to then they can’t do it…

Surely it would come under a safeguarding concern and it would override the need for my consent?
She never said that I didn't have to consent to it.

OP posts:
fraughtcouture · 16/04/2025 21:53

I don’t think you’re being honest, about your relationship or your posting history, and ultimately people can’t advise or support you as comprehensively as you would like because of this.

Your partner is obviously emotionally abusive (even solely taking this thread at face value) and of course this is affecting your children and their home environment. Why are you not taking this as a sign to accept SS help and make the move to leave him?

All your questions seem to circle back to how you can extend the status quo and keep your partner in the home, rather than move out/move him out in order to protect your sons.

You need to be honest with SS and more importantly yourself about your situation, even if you aren’t willing to open up completely here, (anonymous though it is.)

Elle771 · 16/04/2025 22:03

Am baffled as to why you are focusing on processes (that you won't engage with) and worrying about your partner.... focus your energy and time on getting rid of him!

Outofthepan · 16/04/2025 22:05

I think there are concerns here about the whole dynamic.

No point blaming the DP or social services, or the op.

The focus now needs to be on supports that will help the dc

uncomfortablydumb60 · 16/04/2025 22:41

Why are you so fixated on your DP
SS are assessing your children’s environment and its impact on THEM
As I’ve said twice now, it’s NOT about YOU

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 17/04/2025 00:01

I have literally said that I want to understand how long she will speak to the children for and I wanted to know the practicalities of the assessment. I don't say it's about me, I'm concerned about how it'll impact the children.

OP posts:
fraughtcouture · 17/04/2025 00:18

Anonanonanon12 · 17/04/2025 00:01

I have literally said that I want to understand how long she will speak to the children for and I wanted to know the practicalities of the assessment. I don't say it's about me, I'm concerned about how it'll impact the children.

Why do these details matter?! Why aren’t you planning on the practicalities of leaving your abusive partner?!

AnotherNaCha · 17/04/2025 00:26

Have been following this thread and I am totally confused why @Anonanonanon12 is so so anxious about the visit. Honestly. It’ll be perfunctory. Max an hour. Think of something to tell the kids so they’re not thrown. The amount of energy you are frittering away on second guessing what might happen must be exhausting. If everything is as you say it is, don’t give the visit another thought. I really think your anxiety points to something else, probably worried what your partner will do, but as you say that’s not the case then who knows. But really. You must calm down about this

nodeerinere · 17/04/2025 08:41

Anonanonanon12 · 16/04/2025 21:26

Surely it would come under a safeguarding concern and it would override the need for my consent?
She never said that I didn't have to consent to it.

Show quote history

There are different levels of Social Care involvement. If it’s a section 17 assessment then the family need to consent to the enquiries. If it’s section 47 then there is a level of - you have to engage (although as a professional working in this field, sometimes families still don’t!)

Ask your social worker which she assessment she is planning on doing.

I am not here to pass judgement on your situation and try to advise you to do something. I’m just giving you facts on Social Care involvement.

Original poster
Anonanonanon12 · 17/04/2025 10:09

nodeerinere · 17/04/2025 08:41

There are different levels of Social Care involvement. If it’s a section 17 assessment then the family need to consent to the enquiries. If it’s section 47 then there is a level of - you have to engage (although as a professional working in this field, sometimes families still don’t!)

Ask your social worker which she assessment she is planning on doing.

I am not here to pass judgement on your situation and try to advise you to do something. I’m just giving you facts on Social Care involvement.

Show quote history

Thank you. It appears that they never mention anything to do with consent. Whilst I appreciate the reasons why, it does nothing to alleviate concerns that social services aren't being transparent. I have zero faith in her. As an NHS worker, informed consent is so important.

I'm assuming s17 but she's told me nothing. She literally spoke to me in her car, said it's upto her manager if an assessment is to be done (but she was pretty certain she would want it done) and that she would let me know the following week. Then 2 and a half weeks later I get an email saying "I need to see father/children. Call me"...no use of names, literally written like that. So that is all I know.

I have no faith in social services. Having read information online, I get the impression they hound you permanently, even if it doesn't always seem appropriate.

I'm concerned what the risks would be if I withdraw consent. Would they then legally enforced it? I'd obviously consent before it got to that stage but would it be too late by then? Also, if I ask her about consent, will it make me look worse?! I don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
VanessaShanessaJenkins99 · 17/04/2025 10:28

"You don't know what to do for the best" ........ You need to work with Social Services to leave your abusive partner!!! How many times are you going to avoid everyone asking you the same thing!! None of the other stuff matters, what food is in your fridge, the fact that their rooms are tidy, etc - the fact is you are putting them in a terrible situation by allowing this man to still live with you! Stop minimizing the impact that all this is having on them.

waterrat · 17/04/2025 10:34

hi - I've had SS involvement in my family (although self referred for help)

Please remember they are there to put your childrens needs (and yours) first.

If your children are not at risk - then why would you be worried about SS involvement?

Please try to see them as helpful - your children have a right to their needs and interests being protected. that is what is happening here.