Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

I'm sorry but unsurprised to hear that his mask has dropped. Have you read up on the cycle of abuse? It is critical that you recognise that a) your partner is abusive and b) this is affecting the children NOW.

My eldest child has heard him calling me a psychopath/mentally unwell

This is a recent example pulled from your latest posts. This is NOT NORMAL. My children have never, ever heard my husband say anything like this to me, nor me to him. You need to stop minimising things to social services. You need to be honest with them about your partner's behaviour, follow their advice and accept their help to leave or get him to leave.

Your children are being damaged by their home environment. You cannot protect them from abuse in their home. Them witnessing his abuse of you is also an abuse of them.

You must try to alter your priorities. Stop worrying that school will wonder if you are abusing your children (they probably won't, they will be aware that statistically it is likely your husband who is the abuser) and start working out how to get them out of this situation.

It is excellent that you rang Women's Aid and now social services are involved. Well done for taking that first step. Try to step out of the bubble of fear that you're experiencing as things are now moving faster than you expected.

Imagine, in a year's time you could be living in a peaceful home with your children. They could have support from school and other services (counselling etc.) to start to undo some of the trauma they have already suffered through being exposed to domestic abuse. You can show them that it is not acceptable for one person to abuse another. You can break the cycle.

I know it is hard. I have watched my cousin in your place, panicking that she had done the wrong thing by involving official services. Three years on she is so glad she did. Because she was honest with social services she has been able to reduce her ex's opportunities to abuse their daughter emotionally, he is now only allowed supervised contact. Her daughter is thriving now that she is not living in a home where she witnesses and experiences abuse. You can be a supermum like her and build a life for your children and yourself.

Could anyone possibly answer some practical questions? For instance, when she does the assessment will she have to speak with me first? I'm just wondering about logistics as it's school hols for the next 2 weeks. If she wants to spend a few hours talking to me, what do I do with the children that are in the house? What about when she speaks with them? Do I just sit in another room/upstairs with the other child for a few hours whilst she talks to them one at a time? Will she speak with me, partner and the kids in the same day? Whilst the rest of the family sit in a other room?

Could she be in the house all day?! How long will she speak to the children for as part of the assessment? Hours? It'll just be weird leaving a stranger in the living room for a few hours with a stranger whilst I sit upstairs.
I'm feel anxious again as it's a weekday tomorrow and I'll be awaiting her call.

Also, we aren't always around. I'm working 4 days next week, my partner is away at a funeral and then I'm visiting family.

No it won't be hours.
She might wait until the kids are back at school but if your not comfortable discussing stuff while the kids are there and they can't play in another room, then she'll reschedule for when you can talk freely.
My home visit was probably no more than one hour.
They don't spend hours talking to the kids, it's not an interview. They usually talk through play or colouring, they are trained to do this. It takes about half an hour depending on the age of the child.
Why don't you just ring and find out what's happening rather than getting more and more anxious?

Thank you for the info. When you say the home visit took around an hour, did that involve talking to you, husband/partner and the kids? Did it also involve her going through your cupboards, fridges and the children's bedrooms?

I just have visions of her calling and saying she coming in an hour (which is why I'm worried to go out) and then speaking to everyone for hours on end!

I should call but I'm too anxious to speak to her. I just feel sick and I'm still not sleeping.

My youngest is 5, so I did wonder how they'll talk to him!
Eldest is 14 but I just have visions of them interviewing everyone for hours!

The hour was a quick look in my fridge and cupboards which took 30 seconds. A quick glance in my son's room, that took 20 seconds. They aren't doing through inspections.
Then the rest of the time was spent talking. I didn't have a partner at the time so it was just me and her. I can't remember if DS was home, I think he was at school.

Just call. They might have even closed the case without telling you. They don't always do an assessment after every referral, if the manager has had oversight and school and health have no concerns then they sometimes close the case anyway.

In our area they do signs of safety with school aged kids so the kids do a drawing of a happy house, a house of dreams and a house of worries or something like that. It's all age appropriate.

In regard to a recent post - SS won’t make your partner move out.

The onus is on you to do that - or move out to protect the children.

Have you made plans to leave him and stop your children being subjected to his abusive behaviour ? This is what SS will really care about. Not your fridge or your cupboards.

To be honest I think I'm stressing about the things I can control (house etc) because I can't control her coming to speak to the kids, what they say or the decision she will make.

The truth is, there zero concern about my house, the kids, our food etc. Our home is very clean and tidy and well stocked.

I've still not heard anything, I just wanted it over with now.

You can’t control he coming no - because concerns have been raised about your partner. Not your house. And that there are concerns about your children.

You know the reason they are concerned is your partner and his behaviour in front of your children.

Which is something you can control by leaving and you will need to demonstrate you that you are willing and able to do this if necessary to protect your children. This will potentially have an impact on your opinion.

I think you know this but don’t want to address it as it’s a huge step.

Why is it you don't want your partner to leave if he is abusive? You sound very concerned about him, saying he doesn't deserve this etc. I understand it's very upsetting to have SS involvement but I don't really understand what's going on here.

If it was a choice between him and my children there would be no hesitation. Id be prepared to leave if I have to. I couldn't live without my children.

I think you need to be more worried about the effect of your relationship on your children than the involvement of social services.

You’re focussing on the wrong thing.

I commented earlier than it’s your decision to tell your partner to leave, and I wonder why you’re not thinking “ I’ve had enough of his shitty treatment” and tell him it’s over
its paramount you consider the effect of the home environment on your DC.
Women’s aid we’re concerned enough to make the referral, think about why?
Im sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s not about the best food in the fridge, or the brand of their clothes.
You need to protect your DC by this toxic environment which may have lifelong effects on your DC
im not going to expand on this but I had SS involvement when my DC were young.
All well balanced adults now

You’re in an emotionally abusive relationship and this will definitely be affecting your DC. Your posts all centre around your own anxiety, how people will view you etc. at the centre of this are your DC who are vulnerable. This isn’t the fault of WA having a robust safeguarding process or SS necessarily investigating a referral, the problem is the abusive environment your children are being raised in. Your DP needs to shape up or ship out.

Based on what you've said, he IS emotionally abusive, so her referral to SS was warranted. No 'good father' speaks to the mother of his children like this

This isn't about outward appearances or what school thinks, get over it, it's about the welfare of your children. What you've said about your partner tells me that he's abusing you, and by proxy - them

If you’re the poster I think you might be then this isn’t true, as you’ve kept them in an abusive toxic environment for years.

The 14 year old isn’t his, is he?

I totally agree with you @Outofthepan The problem here isn’t social services its OP burying her head in the sand (worrying about a clean and tidy house) rather than the real issue - which is your abusive husband.

I mean this gently (I have been in a abusive relationship) but you really need to think why are they concerned - and do
something about that. They will be more concerned you think it’s okay to live with an abuser than be worried about the state of your cupboards.

You're neatly dodging all questions about why you're wanting to protect your husband the abuser. Why? Is he the abuser?

You could take some time for yourself too to give yourself time to process the overwhelm. Go for lunch or breakfast by yourself, outside if the weather is nice enough and just sit for awhile and let everything sink in

Or get a takeout for dinner at home to take the pressure off yourself, if you are the one who does the cooking

This is meant with kindness op. But you have your thinking wrong. It’s not about what you can love with it’s about what is best for the children. You say he’s not abusive but he threatens to kick you out when you argue- this is a control tactic. You will be moderating your interactions with him to avoid him reacting this way. Meaning you cannot raise problems or work through issues as a team because of the power dynamics. So your children while perhaps not suffering these tactics themselves are still suffering because they are learning a woman gives way to the man and avoids conflict. They may be picking up on your unease- which HAS to be there as it was bad enough to drive you to woman’s aid for advice.

i replied before with my experience and advice regarding my experience with SS as I had an abusive ex. What I will say now is my family dynamics growing up while not overtly abusive led me to such a man who was overtly abusive because I’d never learnt what a healthy relationship was. I watched one parent never challenge or always back down when they did, I felt the atmosphere of resentment that came from that dynamic. And I saw that my parents didn’t support each other through emotionaly difficult times one of them always took it out on the family with moods and passive aggressiveness and ‘empty’ threats. So I initially took to my adult relationships the belief it’s best to avoid conflict and not speak up and cause upsets over ‘minor’ things. Led to me being taken advantage of and treated poorly in many relationships and eventually marrying a man who abused me in every way once he trapped me with marriage and a pregnancy. Do you have a dd? Is this the future you want for her? Do you have a ds? Do you want him to treat a future partner how your partner treats you? Because my abusive ex had an abusive father. Research upon research shows that children from homes with abuse or ‘just’ the dynamics of your home grow up and end up in similarly poor relationships.

now I don’t think you should panic and leave immediately. That brings a potentially messy break up and the kids used as pawns in mental games- likely as threatening to make them homeless is not below your partner currently. But you should be thinking about the impact on your children. You should be considering how to mitigate the negative affects and continuing to consider how you would leave as you were when you spoke to woman’s aid. It’s not UTGENT you leave but it probably is necessary when you really look at it from the perspective of what is best for the CHILDREN not what’s best for you or your partner.

Maybe don’t jump straight to leaving maybe get couples councilling and don’t be manipulated into making effort ls to make it easier for him to treat you better (the reason councilling not advised in abusive relationships!) get the councilling to force him to see the impact of his behaviour and make changes because otherwise you will leave. Because you deserve not to live in fear he will make you homeless!! And do the freedom program wether you leave or not because I promise you will learn a lot

We don’t even know what the dynamic is in the relationship. We do know there was concern from services.

It’s so important that you focus on what’s best for your children and try to use social services to help you

I think this is a repeat poster who has been name-changing and posting multiple threads for years about her (completely, undeniably) abusive part-time doctor partner she won’t leave.

He emotionally abuses their joint child, has physically assaulted ( “pushed” ) her in front of him, and is also bullying and abusive towards her elder child (not his)

People have been offering sooo much advice and help, and warned/hoped that SS would at some point intervene, as the OP doesn’t seem bothered by the fact her children are being abused by proxy as well as directly, in a toxic environment; she just cares about if he will end their romantic relationship and leave her as he constantly threatens to.

I doubt she’ll come back to this thread now people are asking more searching questions rather than just giving her ideas as to how to evade SS investigation and keep her partner in the home.

If it is this poster, then SS involvement is not only sorely needed but long, long overdue.

Ah