Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

Hi a familY member had a very similar experience, spoke to the gp about her relationship problems and a ss referral was made. The sw was lovely and handled the situation with delicately. She met both parents separately and went to school twice , once with mum and once with out. Sw was part of a Mash assessment where, school, drs, and other people made sure the kids were ok. Nobody saw the kids other than the SW.
everyone was happy that the kids were not at risk in anyway and the case was closed within 3 weeks I think. The family were offered counselling, which they did find useful. It was not nearly as scary as you’d think. The sw was kind and understood the situation and handled it appropriately x try not to worry, they are there to help

Is this the part-time doctor again?! If it is, then it is completely for the best (and long overdue) that SS are involved!!!

Unfortunately the only threads I've seen on MN asking for advice around ss are people in denial who don't take the advice given anyway so I won't waste my time. You just need to leave. I left an abusive marriage 7 years ago, luckily no kids involved. Best decision I ever made. Good luck.

Hi, I just wanted to post you some support.
Please do what you can to look after yourself as much as you can through this. Do you have anyone in real life who you could confide in? Call Samaritans anytime you need to (you absolutely don't need to be suicidal) it's for anyone suffering emotional distress who needs someone to talk to in confidence. They might be good at 2am when you can't sleep. Do you ever keep a journal/ diary? That might help. Just somewhere you can write your thoughts (providing you know no one else can see them). I'm pretty sure Samaritans do some kind of text service too if you don't want to do a call (and potentially be heard by your partner).
Make sure you are eating as well as you can. Maybe start a vitamin supplement. Just do the obvious stuff like make sure you are drinking enough. You need to look after yourself.
Is there anything you can do to help you relax a tiny bit? I like bubble baths and baking cakes. Try and do a small something for you when you can- a little walk, listening to a podcast cast, practicing a hobby.

Keep a record of all contact with social care. I'd keep really good notes. If they tell you something on the phone, follow it up with an email. "Hi X, Following our phone call I just wanted to confirm that X...".

Do you use Facebook? I'd look round for groups on Facebook for families going through these kind of issues.

The stuff you are going through must feel so scary. Take one day at a time. You will get through this.

Do what s.s ask (I'm sure you would anyway) but don't be scared to challenge them. They make mistakes a lot. You won't be their priority. You will find the right support as time goes on. You'll find the friends you can lean on. You'll find support groups that work for you. Hold on to people that help, try to not to worry about others.

One day, you'll look back at this time, regardless of what happens next (probably little but huge stress for you) and know how incredibly strong you are/ were.

There are some very stupid social workers. There are great ones to. I hole you have some really great ones.

Ignore people saying you are a bad mum, you are subjecting your children to abuse etc. You sound like someone who cares a lot about their kids, probably a brilliant mum. Here we only know what you've shared- relationships are so much more complex than can be described here and you are writing at a highly stressful time. Some people posting here will have suffered awful abuse and want to help you avoid the same. Only you know what's really going on.

Take one day at a time.

Sending you kind thoughts.

@Anonanonanon12 it does sound like you’re struggling, and your response to SW involvement is disproportionate because of that.

It’s good that we live in a world where the safety of children is taken seriously and they’re looked out for if there are any concerns.

The best way to deal with this is to stop seeing social services as the enemy, and see them as a source of potential help. They don’t have the resources or inclination to whip children off into care without very good reason, so don’t worry about that.

Instead, focus on an open and honest discussion with them. And to work with them and take on board their advice.

I used to work in child protection, albeit on a different jurisdiction, so I’ve seen directly what happens. It’s also the norm for any incidents of violence/abuse/etc to be referred.

I'm so anxious because it's the unknown, nobody wants social services involvement with their children. I don't know anyone that's had involvement and I'm definitely catastrophising. In my mind, they'll be coming to the house for weeks, poking through everything and then they'll make my partner leave or take the kids.

I know everyone is doubting my parenting but honestly my children have everything. I'm not talking about money, but love, support and my time. Everything I do is centred around them. They are both fantastic, polite, amazing children and a huge credit to me. I went to a service for advice and support and a few days later I'm asked if my children are ok in school and are they presentable?!!! I feel horrendous they have to go through all of this. My youngest I presume will be clueless (he's 5), I've no idea how she will introduce herself to him but I'm hoping she is kind and sensitive. Obviously my nearly 15 year old is a different matter and I'll have to tell him something, god knows what he will think.

I've still not heard anything. Ironic that they rushed to speak to me last Monday, they think things are bad enough for an assessment and to blow up our lives. Yet they're happy for me to tell my partner about their involvement and live alongside him with the children, not knowing what's going on.

Also, it's the start of the 2 week Easter hols next week. So they won't be able to speak to the kids in school for 2 weeks (if that's what they do) or speak to the school (again if that's what they do, because who the hell knows, I've not been told anything).

I'm panicking about everything. I wondered if I should buy my son all new school pe kit as his joggers look a bit faded (bought 2 weeks ago from Next). I'm questioning everything and I know my children are clean, tidy and cared for!! Now I feel like I'm the bad person.

@Anonanonanon12 you are catastrophising! Take some deep breaths. Maybe try to see your GP for help to get through this? Anyone would understand it’s stressful.

Social work will likely speak to the school to see if they have any concerns. They may have done so already. They may well not speak direct to the children.

If you have a number for the sw who contacted you then I’d ring and explain how worried you are, and ask for details of what they’re planning to do.

The worst thing you can do right now is see them as the enemy. They, like you, want to be sure your DC are ok

Thank you for the reply. She knows how anxious I am as I was literally sobbing in her car and she asked if I had a friend to see and offered to call me later and check I was ok (we did the appointment in her car).

The last thing she said to me after our conversation was that she needed to discuss with her manager and it was her decision whether the case would be closed or an assessment done. However she said she's pretty certain an assessment will be done and it would involve talking to my partner and both children. I was worried at the time about her speaking to my partner, not because I'm scared of him but because of the guilt. I wanted to tell him first.

She promised she would speak to me first before anything was done and said nothing would happen until this week as she was on a annual leave. I realised that she hasn't even done an assessment with me because the building we met at didn't have a room for us, so she couldn't use her computer and she said she would do the assessment early this week. She also said that once she's spoken to her manager, I could then talk to her if I like and explain things to her. I'm not sure what this would achieve though.

Maybe they have spoken to the school but she said she would speak with me first. I've no concerns at all regarding school, both children are clean, presentable, polite, socialise well (although both can be a bit quiet and shy). It's just the thought of it that's awful. Also, I'd hate them to contact the GP as it' would forever be on their medical records. However I have no concerns as my youngest has been to the Dr once for eczema and my eldest 3x in his nearly 15 years (for sinus issues, eczema).

Deep breath. If you’re confident that your basic care of the children (think clean clothes, full tummies, a clean warm home etc) is good, and you’re a loving mum, then the assessment will show that. You don’t need to buy or do
anything. Of course the assessment has to consider any risk though, such as your children potentially being exposed to domestic abuse. To gather information there will likely a few home visits to you and they should speak to the children alone during these visits since the school is closed. You can tell your 5 year old that the social workers job is to check children are ok and happy but I’d be more honest with your 15 year old given their age, and I’d tell them you spoke to someone about arguments you’d been having with their dad and the social worker just wants to check them and their sibling are ok.

Hi OP,
I work in Safeguarding, and work closely with WA etc. I just wanted to say firstly, take a step back and breathe. Nothing catastrophic is going to happen. SS never remove a child unless it is a last resort.
School, GP etc are all there to support, and not judge. However,
You are being abused, you need to acknowledge this for your own mental health, and your children. Sometimes the victim cannot see the level, you have already mentioned that he will try and gaslight SS into believing you are mentally ill.
The children WILL be affected by this. You may think they do not know, but they do.
For your own sake, and more for the sake of your children make a plan to leave this abuser.
Good luck

Exposure to domestic abuse can and will traumatise your dc in the long run.

Regards,
DA survivor

Please engage with SS and work together. Also, stop defending your husband, he is abusive and controlling. If you can't acknowledge that, or keep minimising it, you will not be best placed to decide what's best for your children. I understand you're feeling incredibly anxious about the process, but no one is going to take your kids away from you.
Tbh, I think that you're not being completely honest about what happened when you were in touch with WA. Not that you owe us an explanation. And I could be wrong, but I don't think DA workers make referrals over minor stuff.

My tips with social services are: have everyone up and dressed at a good time in the morning. Sometimes they do surprise visits. I wouldn't worry about clothes looking old but make sure the kids are appropriately dressed for the weather, suncream etc and showered regularly. Make sure snacks are readily available for the kids in case they start complaining they're starving. Be in (or making concrete steps towards) a stable financial situation. Let them see you and your partner have taken steps to address the things they are worried about. If you are finding it hard to keep arguments at bay, and feel your partner is making things more unstable then you really do have to leave. I'm sure it won't happen but worst worst case scenario, he may be not worth losing your kids over. And apparently it is hard to get them back if they are taken. Keep in mind you could be left with a partner that is turning even more abusive and no kids

Take a pause.

They haven’t decided that things are bad enough that it needs an assessment.

That’s what an assessment is for, working out if there’s an issue that needs support.

It’s very, very unusual for social services not to do an assessment after a referral - because they leave themselves exposed to future allegations of negligence.

What they do is jump on some assessments as being incredibly urgent, and others on the ‘need to get round to doing them’ pile. It would seem your family are on the get round to it pile.

I’m not sure if this thread is helpful to you. There are a lot of people making huge assumptions and judgements on your situation - and there simply isn’t enough information shared here for them to do that.

Do consider checking if you have an employee assistance program through your works and try talking to them. It’s a bit like a commercial / professional version of citizens advice. Your employer won’t know you’ve contacted them.

Whatever you do do not agree with him to SS that maybe you are mentally ill. There was a woman in the woman’s aid freedom program I did who only had supervised contact with her kids and they lived with the abusive ex. Because when ss first got involved she had not been honest and had gone along with his defense that she must be crazy. Shes done it as she didn’t want to ruin his life, she hadn’t fully realised it was abuse as bad as it was, she still loved him. He held her hostage basically because he was recorded as the protective factor and she was the risk to the children due to her mental health so if she left he would get to keep the kids. He upped the abuse once she had lied to autorities to cover for him as he knew he could get away with it. She eventually left. I don’t know how it got to supervised contact as a lot happens but a big part of it was she was deemed the risk because she had agreed at the beginning that it must be her mental health as he was jot abusive. She was a broken woman, unable to see her children without him present and him using every contact to taunt her. Over 10 years later my memory of her crying and not knowing what to do is vivid and haunting. Her poor poor children.

DO NOT LET SS RECORD YOU HAVE MENTAL HEALTH STRUGGLES. Let them record he said it and that you contest that. If you contest it then it’s textbook abuser behaviour saying the victim is crazy and you will probably be fine. If you let it state you agree you have mental health problems go in record it will cause you massive problems. Even if you proove your mental health is fine with psyc assessments you will have shown a willingness to lie to services covering up danger to your children- that’s why the woman I met couldn’t get out of supervised contact.

Thank you for the info regarding mental health. I will not be agreeing I am mentally unwell. He would have a hard time proving it! I have a professional job, spotless house and fantastic children. I am very organised and have no signs of mental illness (apart from his saying so). My eldest child has heard him calling me a psychopath/mentally unwell, my counsellor will vouch for me. Plus one of my high up managers in the NHS (ex headteacher) has said she would happily provide a character reference. Furthermore, I have lots of messages relentlessly calling me mentally unwell. So if they decide I am mentally unwell without any evidence, then things really are broken. When I met with the social worker, I was trying to defend him and said he does say I'm mentally unwell, however maybe he genuinely believes it. She went on a bit of a rant that she sees his type all the time, professional men that belittle. She said it is not ok or acceptable... despite me minimising.

Think going by what you’ve said regarding your children that there will be very little concern from SS. There will be questions around whether you can protect them from your partner, but I can’t imagine this would reach the required level for involvement. More likely to be offered early help, or child in need? Hard to say without knowing it all, but I wouldn’t worry about them removing your children based on what you’ve shared.

I hope you are okay OP sending you a handhold. Some PP have been quite blunt and harsh and I wanted to say I don’t judge you, I don’t know all the details and I’m wishing you all the best things go smoothly for you

I've read some of the posts
OP are you afraid of your partners reaction because you sound very frightened . What you told woman's aid has alerted them to take action . You mention wanting to leave but not yet . It's a very hard decision to make . What have you told SS , how is your partner a good husband while being emotionally abusive . I hope you have friends and family who can support you x

Thanks for the supportive posts along with the information (and also the harsh posts). It's a horrible time waiting and impossible to relax. It's awful knowing SS will want to talk to my children. Plus if they make my partner move out then I have to also deal with the end of the relationship for me and also the children. Plus I'll have nowhere to live, so it's very stressful.

If your partner moves out, why would you have nowhere to live? SS aren’t going to make you and your children homeless, but if your partner would maybe that’s a sign that he’s abusive?

Can you talk to a friend or a relative IRL to get some support while this goes on?

We rent and it's really expensive in this area. If he's forced to move out then I have to take on the tenancy as a single person. They wouldn't allow me to stay, my income is not enough.

OP, first, they can't make your partner move out. If it's serious enough with him then they could remove the children if he stays, so you'd have to make a choice then, but generally removing the children is only when really necessary. It's usually better for children to stay with the family, where possible and reasonable.

Your DH could be directed to a parenting course or individual counselling, as examples of support interventions that could be arranged.

As a single parent you might qualify for housing benefit or other support.

Hopefully it won’t come to that.

Well he's been on his best behaviour the last 2 weeks. That didn't last!