Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

Taking your kids is not their intention.
You also don't have to be a perfect parent, I'm not. They want to see that the kids have a healthy, loving, stable and stimulating home. They want to see that you understand the concerns that are raised and want to help resolve them.

Who did you report him to? Did social services do an investigation? I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through.
I'm not scared of him. I've told him and he's been ok. However it does amuse me that social services deem him such a risk that they want to investigate, yet when I said I was going to tell him all she said was "maybe have a think". I was sobbing to her for an hour in the car and they just don't care.

I wouldn't panic. They are just doing making sure the children are safe. I would just attend all their assessments and appointments and don't overthink them and concentrate on moving forward and looking after yourself and your children and keeping/getting your life stable and on track. If you overthink it too much you could lose focus on what you need to do to move on and that could make things worse. It's a routine assessment, deep breath

Oh sorry to hear that. Makes no sense how they handle things separately!

I didn’t know what to do - women’s aid were unhelpful sadly, so reported to the GP who then I think must have flagged child SS. I got no support.

Later I reported to SS services on behalf of DC… they did do an investigation. Of both of us!! Nothing came of it.

That's crazy! Did you tell them he was abusive? I've no idea what happens after the investigation or what the outcome is likely to be. Did they just close your case?

Going to WA was an acknowledgement that something isn't right, surely?
So you have taken an important first step to safeguard yourself and the children.

Children's Services will have to do a full assessment of circumstances and home life, which does include the home conditions and material things, but will also look into how children are parented, disciplined, related to, social and emotional matters, etc. If not, they wouldn't be doing their job.

Perhaps you could have a look at the grounds for intervention in children's lives, including the bit about how witnessing DV and abuse causes them significant harm. But there is also the obligation to keep children within their families wherever possible, which means that there will be a lot of help and support available, if they/you need it. And removing children is the absolute end of the line and only resorted to if parents endanger their children's welfare and don't put their needs first.
Plus be open and honest about where any difficulties may lie, and accept help.

I'm so mentally exhausted I don't know how I'm going to get through it. I really don't. Do you know how many meetings I'll have to have with them for the assessment? I'm hoping just the one.
Are they likely to make my partner leave?

I would consider doing the freedom program if there is one running in your area OP. A man who is emotionally abusive to the mother of his children isn't a good dad and the children will be picking up on it.

I agree with PP, be honest with social services about your husband and his behaviour. Going to women's aid is a big step so I'm guessing you didn't go there lightly.

That’s because the time when your leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous which is why the advise not the tell
them before you leave.

Absolutely this. He’s not a good dad.

I have a job, I don't need to find another.
I was told they could discuss housing options and finance (regarding payments in the interim to cover rent shortfall as I'm unable to afford the property alone). I went for advice for when I feel ready to leave. I did not go for any of this or for anything pertaining to the children.

Eh?

She didn't advise me not to tell him. That's my point, she said it was upto me and to take a few days to think about it ...then went off on annual leave for a week.

I don't understand. You say your partner is emotionally abusive to you but that you also don't want SS to tell him to leave. Why do you want to continue a relationship with someone who is abusing you?

I went for advice for when I feel ready to leave. I did not go for any of this or for anything pertaining to the children.

OP you said in your first post that your relationship has been difficult for some time and 'quite emotionally abusive', you must know that living in an abusive household affects children.

No one is being malicious, trying to catch you out or cause you problems. They are just trying to protect your children.

If children are deemed at risk from the Father then you need to live separately. Then dependant on what is decided he could have access. Whether that’s regular or in a contact centre depends on risks identified. Never been under SS but have known a few women through voluntary work I have done who have been.

As you say he is abusive though not physical surely you want to end things ?

The thing is OP it doesn’t matter if what you said was directing regarding the children- there is still a safeguarding risk. If you went to them and said your partner punched you, kicked you and shoved you down the stairs there would still have been a referral made, even if you said he has never hit the kids, because living in a household where there is abuse IS a risk to children. Do you see that?

They will investigate, you need to be transparent, they’ll want to speak to you all & potentially multiple times, plus info from childcare/school/HV/GP and make a decision from there.

You do need to be honest though, you went to Womens Aid for a reason, do not forget that reason. If you can’t do it for yourself then do it for your children.

Try not to stress. In my case it was one visit and then she wrote a report, which found nothing. I would email her beforehand outlining your situation too, I did this to avoid her “putting her foot in it” and making me more vulnerable to my exes abuse, and she seemed to stick to it.

If your partner is abusive, they may require you to live apart where his behaviour doesn't affect the children, yes, at least for the duration.
(As I don't know the exact problems it's hard to say)

As for the number of meetings around an assessment, I don't know, but there would be a few, plus probably going to be home visits, too.
They would be expected to work around commitments such as work and school, or possibly see the children at school. If there are scheduling difficulties you should let them know.
The outcome of an assessment could include recommendations for some kind of programme/therapy for parent/s to address the issues of concern.

Most victims of abuse are unable to see how bad it really is and, as you aren’t leaving your partner but keeping your children in a house where there is abuse, ofcourse they have to refer on. To protect your children and to determine if you are able to protect them.

As for confidentiality- this clearly cannot apply when there is a safeguarding risk to a child.

She she visit you, your partner and kids? Was it because your partner was abusive?

They are women's aid. A woman with kids comes and say she needs money because she cannot alone pay for the housing , having in mind there is a grown man living there also, who happens to be their father. I mean, ok ?

you are abused apparently. Wether financially, wether emotionally , wether otherwise. You wanted aid, they are aiding you. Jot down your thoughts first before ever attempting anything like that, go mentally through various scenarious and possible repercussions