Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

You've said numerous times your house is clean and tidy, your kids are clean and tidy so great, you can stop focussing on that. Put all that aside. So now have a think now about what you might need to focus on - hint - your abusive partner and the effect it's having on your children. What are you planning to do about getting him out of your children's lives? How can SS help you in this, what advice would you like to ask them for? You need to get it into your head that they are there to look out for your children, due to something you've said when you went to WA, honestly not a place most women would go unless there was serious abuse going on.
All this worrying about how long the interviews will take, where you're going to sit in the house etc is pointless. Posters have tried to help you and would honestly want to offer you more support but you're being so evasive that no one can get a grip on what's happening. It wouldn't be a good idea to be so evasive with SS. Please for the sake of your children, and yourself be honest about what's going on.

Well she has literally text me now saying "I need to see the children today before you go away. I'm in court now. I'll ring later".
My eldest isn't with me. My partner is out with our youngest and I'm in work until 3pm

So not even a conversation about what's happening, how to explain to the children etc. just "I'm coming today" even though nobody is home.

The social worker has told you she is in court, so no, a conversation with you about what to say to your children is not a priority. You are winding yourself up to the max about minute details whilst ignoring the massive elephant in the room that your abusive partner is a risk to your children.

That’s the general gist of social work, they have to make sure the children are safe. They can come after 3pm, and they will explain to the children why they are there in an appropriate manner. You don’t need to worry about explaining it to them.

The conversations are just trying to better understand what the circumstances are like at home for everybody, including the children.

Did you sign a consent form? What type of assessment is it? Why do you have no faith in children’s services? They keep hundreds of children safe every day.

You can withdraw your consent but if they feel the concerns meet threshold they can override it, but that really would depend on the extent of the concerns.

Have you ever called the police? Is there an extensive history of domestic incidents! Has your partner ever been arrested for violence previously?

If I was you my focus would be keeping my children safe, that means co-operating with the assessment, being truthful about the situation and honest about what the children have been exposed to. Remember children don’t have to see violence to be victims - they can hear it and sense it. They might be feeling unsettled or aware of more than you would ever realise.

I don’t know how many different ways I can say this but you need to focus on WHY they need to see you, and what you should be doing to ensure your DC are living in an emotionally healthy home, not about trivialities such as when why and who
She has told you when she’s coming and will explain more when she meets you.
Any talk of consent, will my DP be in the next room is pointless and I’m sorry, you are an nhs worker and procedures and logic should not be an alien concept
Why haven’t you got rid of your abusive partner, for the sake of your DC?
Remember WA referred for a reason
Be open honest and receptive with SS… and yourself

Never called the police.
No mention of consent. I had a chat with her in her car and she said she'd discuss with her manager whether or not an assessment needed to be done. 2 weeks later she tells me she's coming today.
Whilst I appreciate details don't matter, I need to inform my eldest sons dad what's going on andy eldest son. I'm not even home until 3pm.

I've zero faith due to how it's been handled and communicated. I don't know anything about the assessment or consent. She's told me nothing.

Not really as your relationship is abusive regardless so you need to leave to protect your children.

Thankfully SS have been involved - by an appropriate agency due to a risk to the children.

@Anonanonanon12

I think that assessment will be very quick if there is no extensive history. She’s probably going to explain all about the assessment and consent today. Typically they don’t face to face, some will ask for verbal consent on the phone to do agency checks.

You will be able to inform eldest son’s dad today after the meeting, it’s only a first visit. It’s truly not something to worry about. She will ring you to arrange a time to come after court. I suggest 3.30 if you’re not home until 3pm.

You have no need to have no faith, it hasn’t started yet. All they’ve done is receive a referral and spoke to you to determine there is enough concern to do a deeper assessment. A large proportion of assessments close with no further action, some will go on to early help which you can opt out of, some will stay with a social worker for longer support but this is also still consent based. Very few escalate beyond this, and even those that do, need extensive evidence of reasons why which doesn’t sound like is the case here.

My best advice is that you need to have an open conversation with her - directly asking which assessment she wants to open s17 or s47 and ask her what the likely outcomes may be so that you can provide informed consent. The likelihood of it is that they’ll advise you to continue working with WA or another such charity as they are the experts in this.

Will they need to speak to my ex husband before our son? I don't know what to say to him? I still haven't heard from her, I'm going away for the weekend straight from work. She knows we are going away today.

So if it's "only a first visit" does that mean they're going to keep coming several times? How many times will they want to speak to us all?

So you think she will come today to explain about the assessment? Then come another time and do it? She said she wants to talk to the kids, not me or partner.

If it's meant to be consent based, then I think she should have mentioned consent at some point! I don't even think she's assessed me yet, not sat when sat in her car.

I'm sat panicking. Still not heard from her and I'm off to my next clinic.

Considering I don't have to even consent to an assessment (although she omitted that part) can she really demand we see her today? I mean it's short notice, I told her we were away today, we could have already left for all she knows. Nobody is even home! I don't understand why she couldn't drop me a message yesterday to say she wanted to see us today, surely if she's this short notice, lots of people may be at work or not even home!

Oh good lord you'll be seeing her today and all your questions will be answered! Nobody here can tell you anything because you've given such little information. Once you know what time she's coming you need to arrange to have your children at home, it can't be that difficult. It's better than trying to put it off until after your holiday. Which I do find strange that you're so keen to go on with your abuser. This whole thing stinks

From the outside it looks like you have crippling anxiety and you aren't focusing on what's best for the children. I suggest you strongly give yourself a reality check and fast

What about your kids? Fuck sake. This man doesn't love you, he's fucking abusing you all! Directly and indirectly. Domestic abuse is insidious.

My children have been under a CPP and are currently under a CIN plan. I left a deeply abusive marriage in Nov and the children’s social worker was the biggest support in this for me. She named the abuse, she pointed out the coercion, she helped me to hold the line and she kept my head straight with deeply entrenched gaslighting. Be open, be honest. They have seen it all. They want to see if you are a ‘good enough’ parent and their observations may make all the difference in safeguarding your children when you are ready to leave. The reports mine has made mean that the children’s father is not recommended to have contact. Without her input he would have access to them. Try to trust the process.

also - they can’t direct that you end the relationship but if they have concerns about whether the children are at significant risk of harm due to him (or you) and that they are not being adequately safeguarded from the harm then they may well instigate a CPP. They are trained to look for coercive abuse and the fact that your husband is calling you crazy when you don’t have MH needs is textbook coercive abuse.

@Anonanonanon12 you do sound like you maybe have anxiety. And are in a relationship which hasn’t good for you, but more importantly for your dc.

It’s good that she’s coming today. You’ll be able to have your questions answered and have a better handle on what’s going to happen. She will not have used names in texts in case anyone has access to your phone, all normal

Social work will not “hound you forever”, they are far too busy for that, apart from anything else. Be honest with them. Consent to assessments. Agree to follow guidance and accept help

I hope it all goes well

Oh it’s definitely the part-time doctor again, your posts are recognisable a mile away.

Why aren’t you being honest about what is actually going on here?

One of (dozens of) previous threads linked below for context. You are anxious because you KNOW he is abusive and you KNOW you need to leave, people have been telling you for literally years. You’re worried because you don’t want to leave the relationship because you “still love him”

Hopefully now SS will force your hand, and save your boys at least from this monster.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5187008-you-cant-argue-with-a-narcissist?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

OP unless it’s a crazy, crazy coincidence that you share the exact same posting style including some very specific tells with punctuation and grammar, you are indeed the poster others have mentioned.

I don’t say this to shame you, I say it because your situation is so toxic that people remember it even amongst all the other threads they read every month / year. Your husband is awful. He is abusive in a number of ways. Your children are being raised in an abusive home.

Your focus needs to be on safely ending the relationship now, not minimising the impact on your husband who you say ‘doesn’t deserve this’ even though even on this thread you acknowledge he emotionally abuses you and threatened to tell everyone you’re mentally ill.

It’s time for this madness to end. For your boys sakes.

I'm going to visit my family with just me and the children.

Having read those previous threads, I feel so very sorry for these children.
They are watching their mother be abused and be called vile names.
You are not doing your best for these children by keeping them in a home with this man. I know the SS being involved has become ‘amusing’ to you, but they aren’t the enemy here.
In all of this, your children need to heard. You may say you are the best mother, would go to the ends of the earth, they need to be with their father, but I think you have been treated so badly you can’t see the wood for the trees.
Going away on holiday, even in the UK, with an abuser is a very bad idea.
I hope you find something in you to leave.
Because your poor children having to be around this, they need help from somewhere.

Oh god, OP. It’s you 😔 please just leave that shit heap of a man. I know that’s easy to say, but he’s destroying your life and severely damaging your children.

How can you say he’s not abusive and “doesn’t deserve this”?! How can you still love him and want to sleep/stay with him?! He is literally ruining yours and your children’s lives. And yet you are trying to evade engagement with SS and stay living in this toxic swamp of a relationship?!

Thank god SS are FINALLY involved. Your boys need to be taken to safety, with or without you.

Frankly, your dismissive attitude and obsession with an alcoholic abuser when your sons are suffering boggles the mind. It’s unbelievable that you are still trying to placate and stay with him! Own your part in this, you are accountable too.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5264744-please-help-me-decipher-this-behaviour?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

Op denied on that other thread that she’s the same poster @fraughtcouture but I’ve read them all and it’s hard to see how it’s not.
It is hard to offer any advice when you are being told the poster is a different person but the stories are exactly the same.
These children in this scenario are being abused. The mother is so abused I think she can’t see straight. The SS do need to get involved because what these children are witnessing is absolutely appalling.
This man is dangerous. He shouldn’t be near children at all, and the way he’s treated his own family is vile.
OP needs to move. I know she doesn’t have a lot but anywhere would be better than in this place.