Social services- any advice please

[Anonanonanon12]

Hi all,

I will try and keep this brief. Please try to be kind in your responses and remember I'm a real person in turmoil.

I have been in a difficult relationship for a few years, it's been quite emotionally abusive.
I went to Women's Aid recently just to have a conversation about housing/finance options and some other bits. Anyway, she made a social service referral and I've been in bits ever since. My partner has never been abusive to the children and would never be physical. However they see a risk as they are in the household.

I met the Social worker last week for an initial chat (an hour and a half). I didn't really have much to say but my partner loves the children and is a good dad. SW said she'd have to discuss our case with her manager. She then went on annual leave for a week and was back in work yesterday. She said she would be doing an assessment and speaking with my children and my partner.

It's been the worst 2 weeks of my life. I haven't slept, eaten, been vomiting have a constant migraine. I had to tell my partner because I couldn't even look at him. I'm now wondering when to tell my eldest child that they will be speaking to him.

I expected to hear from her when she was back off leave yesterday but haven't heard from her, doesn't look like I'll hear anything today either. I'm constantly staring at my phone awaiting the call, I'm shaking and off work with stress.

I'm a fantastic mother, my children our my world. They have everything they need; from material items to love.

Does anyone have any idea of the process or what's likely to happen? I'm feeling I'm the one being judged and worried they'll make my partner leave. I've no idea what they actually do and I'm terrified.

@Anonanonanon12 can you speak to your family while you are away because you need help?
Surely they don’t want you living like this?

It definitely is the same poster. Yes thank god SS are now involved because it's clear OP would have just let her boys carry on suffering, because of her obsession with this 'man'. It's unbelievable to me how OP could let this carry on so long - there's always a way out and help out there - but you need to want that help. OP still wants to protect him, god only knows why!

FFS WAKE UP AND READ THE HUNDREDS OF POSTERS( including a few of mine who had SS involvement)
You don’t appear to give a fuck about your DC

So many threads, so much abuse. It is so depressing seeing how much you defend this man. You say the kids ‘need’ him, but you say he abuses them.

Please, put them first. I hope SS do, even if you fail to.

I genuinely don’t think she does. She is defending him and including him. I would defend an abused women to the ends of the earth, but this is ridiculous now. He abuses the children, one is his step son, and still she defends and includes him. Why? Just, why?

It is her. It is definitely her.

@Isthiswhatmenthink some of the things this man has done and says to these children, he needs reporting to SS and those children need a safe haven.

She knows she’s ’trauma bonded’. But her utter obsession with this man is making her consistently put him above these two children. It is devastating and infuriating to see. Again and again, in all her threads.

She probably won’t be back now, once it’s spotted who she is she scuttles off back to him. I think this thread was only made to get tips to throw SS off the scent and avoid breaking up with him. Or will you finally take on board what people have been telling you for years @Anonanonanon12

Hopefully the social workers will have enough about them to see what is going on. It’s an absolute house of horrors that her boys will suffer to recover from, however “clean and tidy” it is.

@Anonanonanon12i can assure you that SS want to keep children with their parents. Despite lots of people saying otherwise they are not looking to take children. They do not get bonuses (ridiculous) or want to create mountains of paperwork and have to place children in care. I don’t know why people believe this is the case.

as much as you are blaming women’s aid, she has done her job. You can’t go and speak to anyone about abuse and expect them not to act on it unfortunately, if they are concerned they have a duty to refer. From the referral SS decide if they are acting or not, so whatever you told her and she then told them has them concerned enough to need to assess. These people are putting the children first by checking it out, it may be they assess and decide whilst not great, it’s not a situation that requires immediate action, or they may decide it does. No one can tell you that as we don’t know.

You should focus on what steps you need to be taking next. The way things sound, sounds like you and your children need to not be living with this man. He can still be a dad, you don’t have to be together. SS can assess his contact with the children, which may be allowed supervised or unsupervised. You say they haven’t seen anything, but abuse impacts children, they don’t have to witness it to be impacted. Children always know more than parents think in these situations, they aren’t silly and can sense when things are off.

you really need to just co operate with SS and accept the help and advice they offer. Your partner needs to do the same, and you need to be separated.

Well it looks like I'll be doing relationship counselling. With the person who's been abusing me for years. Fantastic.

Is that what social services have come up with?

DO NOT do relationship counselling with an abuser, it is not recommended
GET RID OF HIM AND PROTECT YOUR DC
why are you so desperate to stay in a toxic relationship???

Who has recommended this? Have you told everyone involved in this decision that he has physically assaulted you before too?

Share this with your social worker if they’ve recommended couples counselling.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

Tell them you will instead complete the freedom programme (you can do this online) but they’ll need to source a perpetrator programme for your partner, or encourage him to engage in therapy on his own.

Yes they know he was once physical. It was the social worker who suggested relationship counselling. She has spoken with the children and wants to speak with myself and my partner together next week, without the children. We went to relationship therapy previously and he still uses it against me by making things up.

It's because they don't actually care about me. It's "children's" services. So as long as the children are ok, I don't matter.

Will you be honest in the meeting without the kids?

Will you say you are surprised to have been recommended relationship counselling when he’s been physically abusive once and emotionally abusive for years and that he has told you he will make them think you’re mad?

What do you want OP?

You don’t have to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in, ever.

Do you want to spend your life with this man?

You say he has abused you for years. There is no world in which it’s in your kids’ best interest for you to stay in a relationship with him and you don’t need permission from any authorities, or him, to to end the relationship with him.

You’re not listening. You don’t want to face the reality. SS see it, women’s aid saw it..
of COURSE SS are concerned about your DC and so should you be!!
I notice you ignored my question again?!!

Why do you not leave him OP?
It is well documented on here that he’s an abuser.

The wellbeing of your children is indeed the most important thing.

Relationship counselling is totally pointless.

You need to look after your children

Well you can always leave him like you’ve been advised to for some time now - and not go to counselling.

And yes SS exist to protect children as they don’t have a choice in the situation they are in.

As an adult you do have agency - and I appreciate it can feel otherwise when you are being abused but there are other services available for you for this reason. Please engage with them and finally leave him to protect your children.

You have said he is an abuser. But you still haven’t left and you are allowing this situation to continue. And that isn’t fair on the children.

Well then why the FUCK don’t you leave him?!

SS need to remove those kids. You’re delusional

I'm not sure what you expect SS to do. You cover up the abuse, you make excuses for him, you play everything down and you won't leave him. If you were honest with them they probably wouldn't have suggested counselling with your abuser.
They have to prioritise your kids because you're not, you're prioritising your abusive partner.

If he's abusive, it won't work. It will just leave you open to more abuse, i.e. damage. I think you have some thinking to do. If he is in fact abusive, then you do have to leave. He's just causing damage to ye otherwise