Girl at work has me confused

[Cherrybake11]

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

So you are both Christian, right? What denomination is it and what are the moral codes there. Church goers are much more reserved and careful with the opposite sex than this , at least from what I have seen in England.

Exactly this! My DF and DFIL are both like this. My DF, bless him, thinks everyone fancies him. The woman in the bank, his hairdresser. I try not to burst his bubble but when he tells me why he thinks that it’s things like they’ve asked him how his weekend was, or if he has any plans today… he’s saying I’ve had to start going to a different cashier! Lol. I’m like sounds like basic customer service but there you go.

Not saying that’s what’s happening here but I’d be cautious

Are you black and Pentecostal btw?

Another interesting fact for you: 'females' are far more likely to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder than men, and very often erroneously due to a poor understanding of how some conditions present themselves in women as opposed to men (see also: adhd and autism, where the diagnostic criteria took the male presentation as the default). So I'd feel a little bit sceptical of conflating the two, really.

but if it helps you understand yourself and what you want better, that's aces!

What you are talking about isn't infj, it's codependency.

Infj personalities as a generalisation are very capable of slamming the door on people - when they need to. Yes they are sensitive sorts but that doesn't mean they have no boundaries or are pushovers.

Unhealthy infj however... can have those weaknesses. But of course briggs Myers is just pseudo science. I'm tling you there are plenty of infj would would take umbridge at the idea that they are these...wet blanket 'givers' with no boundaries.

Codependency however, is a real issue that can be tackled.

All sorts going through my head lol. Like I said we have known each other 5yrs, we have always got on well and I have always enjoyed our chats. I have always fancied her but honestly never thought anything of it as she had a bf, ive never let on that i like her neither had anyone commented that somethings going on. Her interest in me has always been reciprocal friendship until suddenly it changed, she stated 'we have always been friends, it's just grown'. Thus starting the situation we have now as things have been said on top of things that have been said.

OP, in a way it doesn't matter what this woman (not girl!) is trying to do. Do you want a secret fling with a soon-to-be-married woman? Do you want her to ditch her fiance for you so you can be together openly? Do you want to draw back because this is doing your head in?
You are the one to decide all this, you don't need any input from her. Having decided what you want, you can tell her. She may or may not be up for the same thing, but at least you can have a proper conversation instead of endlessly speculating.

Oh yes, I know. My therapist used to give me books to read, I could talk about cluster b all day lol, I understand your point, thank you.

I see your point I really do. I am very good at slamming doors lol. What's threw me a curveball here is that this started off as friendship and has suddenly changed to the point that I'm confused. I can give you examples where women have come into my life and shown interest, I have seen unhealthy behaviour/patterns and chose myself and my mental health everytime. I am well aware of what codependency is having been in a codependent relationship a long time. The women in question has given me zero red flags for 4.5yrs, it's all very odd if I'm honest.

I don't mind being called a girl. Thank goodness MN has shown me the error of my ways, though.

This is a very valid point. I want to draw back, I'm getting myself into a mess that will never serve me whether she is single or not. Thank you.

lol

Who cares what her personality type is ??? How is that relevant? How would you even know ??

whole interaction is weird

Right, best wrap this up I feel.

Just wanted to thank everybody who has participated. You have given me a lot to think about, but I think I have a clear way forward now, and I feel much less confused than I was.
Some very thought provoking questions asked of me, some challenging questions too that I deeply appreciate. Some thoughtful validating responses also in the mix. To the nasty commentary, I have come here in good faith with genuine concerns. Remember, if we were all a little bit nicer to each other (like most here) the world would be a better place.

X

Oh bless, a man who talks about Myers Briggs personality types. If there's one thing I learnt from online dating it is to swerve any man who mentions that shit.

Instead of profiling people, concentrate on them as people. Also, stay from this woman, she's just using you for attention. She's not interested in you, she's just enjoying for her own amusement. To be clear, she's playing with you.

I’m a 59 year old female person who refers to herself as a girl. And I am enfp so am similar to your friend. Be careful OP, we’re a bit flighty!

I think you should be direct with her and ask what’s going on. Say you’re getting mixed messages from her and are confused, say you’re want to check she just sees you as a friend.

She might just be having last minute jitters about the wedding though, and want to prove she’s still attractive to other men before committing to one for life. Again, be careful.

Fellow INFJ here. When she says friends, she means friends. If this is hurting you, cut the cord and back way off. If you don’t just want friendship, you’re not being honest with her or with yourself.

I’ve been hurt by so many men taking friendship the wrong way, and I’ve been so clear about friendship, so it wasn’t my doing

just find another person. This is NOT your romantic person.

Soul mates my arse!

She’s getting closer to getting married and it sounds like she’s getting a bit jittery about it. So she’s trying to have an emotional affair with you and use you to flirt with, all safe in the knowledge that if you ever made a move or suggested more, she could say ‘But I told you I was in love with my DP and would never leave him, what on earth are you thinking?!’ There’s a reason she never spoke to you like this previously; because she wasn’t just a few months away from being married.

She’s using you. If you believe in the concept of soul mates, do you think a soul mate would use you to make themselves feel better? She is having it both ways. She gets to have that little tingle of excitement, secret texts when he’s not there, conversations about soul mates and suggestions about how she’d date you if she were single, and yet she owes you nothing because she’s getting married to another man and has promised you nothing. The very definition of an emotional affair. The second she doesn’t need what she’s getting from you anymore, the texts will stop, talk of soulmates will stop and she won’t give a shit who you date.

I'm curious now, so took the personality test! I got all of the way through, and then it tried to charge me to email the results.🤔Guess I'll never know now in detail; I obviously am aware of my traits.

She’s getting married. Until she’s single - do not entertain any feelings.

I will out myself as a bloke on this thread to make an observation about the 'girl' thing. Yes, I agree, you shouldn't call a woman over a certain age a 'girl' but not just for the reasons cited. It's because I've observed a bloke will put up with all manner of crap from a 'girl' that he never would from a 'woman'.

Flirtiness, flightiness, silliness, self-centredness, cruelty, infidelity, immaturity, shallowness and borderline sociopathic behaviour in a woman is seen as just that... but in a girl, why, it's 'coquettish'! It's all part of a charming learning curve where, God forbid, you 'break them in' or teach them the ways of life, or they use such traits to fire up your libidio. I know, I know... But it always has that tantalising promise from a 'girl' that you wouldn't get from a 'woman', a grown up. Yet in both cases, you should run for the hills.

Women have a similar thing with blokes, they don't call them 'boys' but it's the 'man child' thing... Sensitive lad, unfulfilled promise, needs to borrow a few grand to finish his art project, can you help him? Why, of course!

That all said, at 41 she's really too old to be pulling this crap, even though I daresay no bloke is ever too old to be on the receiving end of such nonsense.

Finally, a relationship doesn't always change. OP, you are in a 'relationship' with this woman already. It means no sex from her, no commitment either... you can carry on like this, obviously, though if this were a movie it would all go differently.

You lost me at Myers-Briggs.

Sounds like a friendship and she has explicitly stated you are friends. The 'if I was single' comments seem to me to be her way of trying to make sure you don't misconstrue anything she says.

However it's hard to convey via a messageboard and you are the only one who has a real read of the situation. If you're confused then I would suggest it's not the right friendship for you.

I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

Of course she’s going to go ahead with her wedding.

This isn’t some cheesy 90’s Hugh Grant style rom-com where she runs away at the altar and jumps into your arms.

Stop replying to her texts. Keep your communication as professional as possible.

If she wants to end her relationship with her fiancé, she will. But it’s none of your business, unless she directly tells you that she has feelings for you.

https://www.idrlabs.com/test.php

This one shouldn’t charge you.