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Original poster

Girl at work has me confused

276 replies

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 13:54

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 10/04/2025 00:27

@Cherrybake11

At one point in this thread you refer to yourself as a young man ? but you are not, you are a middle aged man.

but not only is this girl not a girl she's a 40 something woman

and you could be almost 50 ?

As you say you were married for 20yrs - for the purpose of this thread I will guess you were 18 when you get married, then you spent 2yrs in counselling. ' That was 7yrs ago and I've been single 3yrs.' = 18+20 = 38 + 2 = 4 + 7 = 45+
unsure if the single for 3 years should be added ? =48+

and really how many men actually get married at 18 ?

there is just something that does not ring true re this thread...

Boreded · 10/04/2025 00:41

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 13:54

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

You are the OW (but the OM in this case). You are having an emotional affair and she will not leave her partner. Get some distance.

also feel like this is probably an OW really but changing up to change dynamic or to be sure it isn’t outing

Bowies · 10/04/2025 01:31

She’s not interested in you romantically and based on this, fully expect her to marry him. You have a friendship, but now she’s just that little bit more wary of you. Shift the focus of your attention elsewhere.

Lovehascomeandgone · 10/04/2025 08:02

I’m sorry OP but she sounds like a prick tease to me.m, I would stay away and cut off contact.

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 09:11

shuggles · 09/04/2025 23:45

@Cherrybake11 TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

No she isn't. She has not said anything that would even remotely suggest any kind of attraction.

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

These are things that friends say to each other. This is just a friendship.

At the age of 44, you should really know better than to think that any woman being friendly is coming onto you. A friendly woman is just that- a friendly woman.

What about, if I were single I'd date you and I'd be jealous if you got a gf?

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 10/04/2025 09:32

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 09:11

What about, if I were single I'd date you and I'd be jealous if you got a gf?

Show quote history

But then the woman was encouraging op to find a girlfriend, she was trying to get him to date! I think she was just saying she thinks he is a good guy and anybody would be lucky to date him, and her wording was a little off. I think she was building his confidence because this thread a lone says that op needs a confidence boost (if this is a genuine thread). A 44 year old confident in the dating department man wouldn't post this. It would have been interesting to hear the conversation and how things were said in comparison to how it was interpreted. He has read far too much into things.

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 09:59

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 10/04/2025 09:32

But then the woman was encouraging op to find a girlfriend, she was trying to get him to date! I think she was just saying she thinks he is a good guy and anybody would be lucky to date him, and her wording was a little off. I think she was building his confidence because this thread a lone says that op needs a confidence boost (if this is a genuine thread). A 44 year old confident in the dating department man wouldn't post this. It would have been interesting to hear the conversation and how things were said in comparison to how it was interpreted. He has read far too much into things.

Edited
Show quote history

She was trying to get me to date a woman who I have stated over and over I have no interest in. She also has a bf and the woman in question was trying encourage me to steal her off of her bf. I told her (again) I'm not interested because she has a bf. I was then shocked when she said if she's not married it's fair game. She pointed out then that if any woman I dated hurt me she would be throwing hands.
I mentioned to her a woman I had spoke to at church and she seemed really unhappy about it, open mouth, jaw hit the deck kind of response. So I don't think she would be happy about me having a partner.
As far as confidence boost in the dating department? I mean, possibly but as I've stated over and over, I'm very happy single. If someone were to come into my life I would be open for the right person.

I have begun distancing, she is not happy about it, I don't care, it must be done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 10:01

The whole point of the thread is that for 4.5yrs just friends then suddenly this behaviour, it's very odd to suddenly be happening. This is why I asked for advice, it's caught me off guard.

OP posts:
Kattley · 10/04/2025 10:15

Sorry, I took your post in good faith but your latest post sounds suspect. How convenient that the woman you have feelings for suggested that any woman is fair game if they’re not married. I’m not buying it.

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 10:19

Kattley · 10/04/2025 10:15

Sorry, I took your post in good faith but your latest post sounds suspect. How convenient that the woman you have feelings for suggested that any woman is fair game if they’re not married. I’m not buying it.

If I wrote down all the things that have been said I'd be here forever, I've merely given you a brief synopsis. The reply was meant to explain why her apparently wanting me to get a gf is a moot point in my opinion. I'm really unsure about some of these comments acusing me of being suspect or a bot etc, it's fairly odd when I've stated that I've come here in good faith.

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 10/04/2025 10:27

Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 09:59

She was trying to get me to date a woman who I have stated over and over I have no interest in. She also has a bf and the woman in question was trying encourage me to steal her off of her bf. I told her (again) I'm not interested because she has a bf. I was then shocked when she said if she's not married it's fair game. She pointed out then that if any woman I dated hurt me she would be throwing hands.
I mentioned to her a woman I had spoke to at church and she seemed really unhappy about it, open mouth, jaw hit the deck kind of response. So I don't think she would be happy about me having a partner.
As far as confidence boost in the dating department? I mean, possibly but as I've stated over and over, I'm very happy single. If someone were to come into my life I would be open for the right person.

I have begun distancing, she is not happy about it, I don't care, it must be done.

Show quote history

She's suggesting women she knows you aren't interested in to hear you say no thank you.

Saying not married is fair game, maybe her thinking about a one last fling.

She doesn't want to see you with a woman you actually like because all the "fresh attention" you provide would stop.

I'm not sure she would "throw hands" if you were cheated on, I think this friendship means more to you than her. If it were as genuine and deep as you think you wouldn't get flurries of interest when her fiance isn't there. There would be consistency. And the fact your wondering if your behaviour has any emotional impact on her says regardless of what you type on here youre in too deep.

And there's nothing wrong with telling her, your recent behaviour confused me but also made me realise for my own good we need to be less emotionally intense because you're unavailable and I think this is inappropriate. We will still be friendly I just need less intensity and inappropriate convos with a soon to be married friend/coworker

WilfredsPies · 10/04/2025 10:45

I'm really unsure about some of these comments acusing me of being suspect or a bot etc, it's fairly odd when I've stated that I've come here in good faith

That’s exactly what a suspect bot would say! 😂

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 10/04/2025 10:47

Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 10:19

If I wrote down all the things that have been said I'd be here forever, I've merely given you a brief synopsis. The reply was meant to explain why her apparently wanting me to get a gf is a moot point in my opinion. I'm really unsure about some of these comments acusing me of being suspect or a bot etc, it's fairly odd when I've stated that I've come here in good faith.

Show quote history

Yes, but this is a key piece of information to leave out op. It really does nothing for the thread, but cause a drip feed, which usually means the poster is either disingenuous, or fabricating when the thread isn't going their way.

I don't think there is anything more to sort out. If you 'are' genuine, than you're distancing, great, and issue solved; this is the right thing for all concerned. Thread concluded?

Bumblebeestiltskin · 10/04/2025 10:50

Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 10:01

The whole point of the thread is that for 4.5yrs just friends then suddenly this behaviour, it's very odd to suddenly be happening. This is why I asked for advice, it's caught me off guard.

I suspect the point of the thread was to get validation and everyone saying oh my god she loves you, you amazing man.

Umidontknow · 10/04/2025 11:18

Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 09:59

She was trying to get me to date a woman who I have stated over and over I have no interest in. She also has a bf and the woman in question was trying encourage me to steal her off of her bf. I told her (again) I'm not interested because she has a bf. I was then shocked when she said if she's not married it's fair game. She pointed out then that if any woman I dated hurt me she would be throwing hands.
I mentioned to her a woman I had spoke to at church and she seemed really unhappy about it, open mouth, jaw hit the deck kind of response. So I don't think she would be happy about me having a partner.
As far as confidence boost in the dating department? I mean, possibly but as I've stated over and over, I'm very happy single. If someone were to come into my life I would be open for the right person.

I have begun distancing, she is not happy about it, I don't care, it must be done.

Show quote history

She was probably testing the water to see if you where open to pursuing someone in a relationship. Pretending to push you towards someone she knows you arent interested in is safe but is a way for her to approach the subject and would explain why she was upset you mentioned someone you may be interested in who was also available. She clearly wants to have an affair with you and i would say you are already in an emotional one. It could be that she is getting cold feet about marrying her partner and is panicking or she is just enjoying the game. Either way you are doing the right thing walking away even though it sounds like you genuinely like her and would want a relationship if she was single. You should go for it with the lady from church. Just see where it ends up 🙂

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 10/04/2025 11:53

Umidontknow · 10/04/2025 11:18

She was probably testing the water to see if you where open to pursuing someone in a relationship. Pretending to push you towards someone she knows you arent interested in is safe but is a way for her to approach the subject and would explain why she was upset you mentioned someone you may be interested in who was also available. She clearly wants to have an affair with you and i would say you are already in an emotional one. It could be that she is getting cold feet about marrying her partner and is panicking or she is just enjoying the game. Either way you are doing the right thing walking away even though it sounds like you genuinely like her and would want a relationship if she was single. You should go for it with the lady from church. Just see where it ends up 🙂

Show quote history

It's possible she is testing yes but if this thread has taught me anything it's that there is nothing in this whole situation for me. I am starting to see her in a different light. I must protect myself and continue distancing.

I did write a 'thank you' post but came back to comment as there was still discussion going on and I wanted to clear a few things up. I'm not looking for attention or a bot or whatever other quite frankly weird suggestions have been made.

Thanks again to those giving sage advice, I have listened and have a way forward out of this awful mess.

OP posts:
ukathleticscoach · 10/04/2025 12:26

'We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it'

So you go to church so you can discuss having an affair! Skip church and act in a moral way

Stop wasting your time and find someone else who is single

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/04/2025 19:22

Boreded · 10/04/2025 00:41

You are the OW (but the OM in this case). You are having an emotional affair and she will not leave her partner. Get some distance.

also feel like this is probably an OW really but changing up to change dynamic or to be sure it isn’t outing

Show quote history

You didn't have to quote the whole OP.

ChiliFiend · 10/04/2025 19:34

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 09/04/2025 08:38

Journalist/novelist/researcher/bored person, do we think?

Show quote history

I'm going for novelist (or bot).

shuggles · 10/04/2025 21:45

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 09:11

What about, if I were single I'd date you and I'd be jealous if you got a gf?

Show quote history

That's called a joke.

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 23:12

shuggles · 10/04/2025 21:45

That's called a joke.

Show quote history

It so isn't!! I'm not saying that she means it literally, but it's all hinting at a kind of connection that I doubt most finances would be comfortable with.

shuggles · 10/04/2025 23:24

Curlycurio · 10/04/2025 23:12

It so isn't!! I'm not saying that she means it literally, but it's all hinting at a kind of connection that I doubt most finances would be comfortable with.

Show quote history

From experience, comments like that are normally a joke.

It's called banter. People say exaggerated things all the time that they don't actually mean.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 17/04/2025 07:54

OP with all due respect, she is marrying someone else whom she loves very very much.
No mixed signals.
She's a nice person and you're taking more from it than what it is

Back off mate

Umidontknow · 17/04/2025 11:04

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 17/04/2025 07:54

OP with all due respect, she is marrying someone else whom she loves very very much.
No mixed signals.
She's a nice person and you're taking more from it than what it is

Back off mate

If everything op has said is true she is massively leading the poor guy on. He is not at fault here. I'm pretty sure her fiance that she claims to love very very much wouldn't be best pleased either.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 17/04/2025 13:37

Umidontknow · 17/04/2025 11:04

If everything op has said is true she is massively leading the poor guy on. He is not at fault here. I'm pretty sure her fiance that she claims to love very very much wouldn't be best pleased either.

Show quote history

Ah ok, must admit I usually read all of OP posts before commenting and I clearly didn't do that today 🫣

Sorry @Cherrybake11

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