Girl at work has me confused

[Cherrybake11]

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

TLDR She's not a girl, she's a woman. Do you call yourself a boy or a man?

I think looking at it now the best thing to do is begin distancing myself from her. I did this around a month ago and she seemed very upset. But it must be done. As far as texting goes, it's she who initiates around 90% of it so I think I'll follow the advice of one of the replies that said I should make her wait before replying, show her I'm not willing to engage.

She’s getting something from this interaction with you but not what you want. She’s also potentially stopping you from actually finding a girlfriend as you’re focusing on her and her ego.

I could imagine having been like the work lady in my very early 20s if trying to build up someone's self-esteem. Not if I were engaged, though.

Where does church come into this? Can you go at different worship times from her? Does the church have a café or any events like concerts? You could start mingling and find new friends.

Perhaps try telling her directly "I'm not comfortable talking like this." Or "I appreciate your good opinion but I need to focus on my work right now". Without naming names you can have a chat with a priest, deacon, or whatever kind of person serves in your church and ask her/him for some advice. Some of my best tactful "go away" lines have been given to me by priests. They have to use them a lot in their line of work.

Why is she bringing the intensity of church into her friendship with you, anyway? Prayer can be very vulnerable. She needs to be respecting her upcoming marriage bond. Not using the house of God to confuse herself and a contentedly single man open to healthy relationships.

I would stop the texting outside of work. Whenever she talks about you need a girlfriend change the subject to her wedding. Do it every time like a broken record.

how did she seem upset? what did she say?

I don’t think it’s relevant to the OPs query or him clarifying what job he is in would do to improve / change the situation

I thought this too. Some women like male attention even when their married.

The more the better.

Just say 'Look, Janice, the way you're texting me feels flirty and given you're getting married soon that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable, is everything OK?'

Either you'll find out that you're actually reading far too much into friendly chats, or she'll tell you she's having pre-wedding wobbles and just trying to get her head round what feels like a big decision, or you'll end up eloping and adopting a Weimareiner together, but either way it'll put an end to the confusion.

I don’t want to be mean as she might like you. We can’t guess that. But I do know how often friends of my have been really close to a male friend, who they genuinely think god, this man is such a good friend to me, he’s the best. And then they’ve tried to kiss them, or declared their love for them out of nowhere.

She’s already told you she loves her DP, her DP trusts her. Take her at her word as there’s not really anything you’ve said that couldn’t be put down to her seeing you as someone she really appreciates and cares for but not in a romantic way.

Obviously it does sound intense so you could be right, but either way you’re heading for hurt. She’s with someone else. Either she’s emotionally cheating on her STBH or she’s enjoying your attention without having any intention to act on it, or you’ve got the wrong end of the stick and she thinks you’re her new best friend. Either way it’s become too intense for you and you should back off a bit and let the intenseness die down

A very thought provoking question, a question a close friend (woman) asked me when I told her the 'I would date you' comment. My reply is the same now as it was back then. I would tell her to go away from me for a minimum 6-12 months and only come back if she still felt the same and even then it would be a very cautious approach. I understand all too well the messiness of a breakup, and I would only place myself in a very obvious drama triangle. I would be the comforter listening to how bad the ex is and that's no basis for a new relationship, I want some of the wholesome interdependent kind of thing.
The warning signs are the lovebombing. Whether direct or not, 'your my soulmate, we have a connection' etc.
Looking at it now, the likelihood of a similar path does seem pretty damn obvious.
Single and happy is an incredible place to be, people seem to think we must have a partner to complete us but the truth is we have everything we need inside of us in order to be complete.

I thought this too. It was very defensive and I reminded her twice that I was simply asking a question. She said she was going to 'cool' it but never did.

She is not being a good friend to you. She's enjoying keeping you dangling and playing with your emotions. When you do want to date make sure you find somebody unattached, who is comfortable being single, as you are. Your friend will probably lose all interest if you make it obvious you are not romantically interested.

It's astrology for people who think they are above astrology. It's a personality test that's based on pretty much nothing has been largely debunked.

It's astrology for LinkedIn bros who scoff at silly girlies who believe in star-signs.

So this woman, who is getting married in a few months, would date you if she were single and go on holiday with you if she were single? I don't understand why she keeps referencing being single other than to play mind games with you. I wouldn't take her seriously tbh, she sounds like a tease.

My work is primarily women. I talk to a LOT but only a select few by text, the ones I trust and have known years. I know their partners too.

She is messed up and likes your attention.
She's purposely messing with your head. Leave her well alone. She's not being a frio, she's being really mean to you.

I don't use reddit, I've never been here before. I've got to the point where I am seeking advice as to how to proceed.

It sounds like you are a bit lonely. I think you need to focus more on your own life and on meeting people outside work. As well as church, what other activities do you attend? Think of something you’d enjoy. You never know, you might stumble across uncomplicated lifelong friends or a romantic partner.

I think you should talk to her. She may be engaged with a wedding booked, but it's possible that you and she are meant to be and she's with the wrong guy. She could be about to make a terrible mistake. Or that may not be the case at all. Either way, I think you should have a discussion with her. Worst case scenario, the air is cleared, you know where you stand, and this current situation - which is BAD - comes to an end.

I agree with this. I'm not saying op is one of them, but some men cling onto little throw away comments, etc, and see it as meaning more. Dh had a friend who would see a woman every day on the train and thought they were smiling, glancing at each other and that there was something going on; the poor woman was clearly just going to work most probably! He was single, and looking for things that weren't there. A nother man used to think a woman liked him if they so much as laughed when he spoke. The woman op is talking about sounds very full on and is certainly making inappropriate comments, if they aren't taken out of context, or exaggerated. I have no doubt op sees it this way, but she nay very well not. Given she has clearly spoken about the love with her fiancé reaffirms boundaries, and is a firm message that she isn't interested in anything other than friendship. Op, you evidently have romantic feelings for your friend, so at your age it is common sense to step away.

You seem like a kind and thoughtful person. It's important that you prioritise your own well-being, especially at work. I've been in a similar situation before and learned the hard way. If you don’t set clear boundaries, the disrespect will persist. It's time for an honest conversation with her—be firm and let her know you've had enough. Tell her that you're no longer interested in maintaining the friendship. Clear-cut, painful to start with, but good for the long term. Good luck!

How to say you're American, without saying you're an American

This is most definitely different. People have commented that they think something is going on between us. In the spirit of honesty, I can be naive with women and this is one of the reasons I am seeking advice.