Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girl at work has me confused

276 replies

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 13:54

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 16:52

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 15:47

Definitely distance yourself, it sounds like she knows you like her and is using you for attention and an ego boost, women like this prey on vulnerable men ( single men) to boost self esteem.
Focus on your own life and happiness just as she is focusing on hers,
Cut way back on communication and maybe even pretend that you are casually dating ….or even just go on some actual dates to distract yourself from her.
I believe she is also being very disrespectful to her fiancé by communicating some of the things she has said to you and the amount of communication she has with you, so this alone Dosen’t say much for her actual character

Show quote history

That's what it's caught me a bit off guard. I have been prioritising myself (and kids) for several years now, we are all in a much better place than we were. The woman in question, I have known 5yrs and we have always got on well but the past few months have been something else entirely. I talk to a LOT of women at work, some by text and it's completely different to anything happening here. I'm just finally happy you know? Not looking for anything, but I would entertain a decent woman coming into my life. Maybe I should say I'm dating, maybe she would back up a bit.
Yes, her partner, he is Weighing heavy on my mind. I don't believe for a second he knows the things she has said, I think the reason she never texts after work is because he's obviously with her or only texts weekend mornings is because he's asleep.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/04/2025 16:54

I think you're actually enjoying the attention.

100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 16:55

MissDoubleU · 08/04/2025 14:48

Which is arguably racist pseudoscience.

Edited
Show quote history

Agree. Complete bollocks. The equivalent of saying what star sign you both are.

Uricon2 · 08/04/2025 16:56

Apart from what everyone else has said with which I totally concur, "she loves him unconditionally" is just odd, if that's what she said. People love their kids unconditionally, not romantic partners and neither should they.

Step back and think about your own future.

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 16:57

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 16:52

That's what it's caught me a bit off guard. I have been prioritising myself (and kids) for several years now, we are all in a much better place than we were. The woman in question, I have known 5yrs and we have always got on well but the past few months have been something else entirely. I talk to a LOT of women at work, some by text and it's completely different to anything happening here. I'm just finally happy you know? Not looking for anything, but I would entertain a decent woman coming into my life. Maybe I should say I'm dating, maybe she would back up a bit.
Yes, her partner, he is Weighing heavy on my mind. I don't believe for a second he knows the things she has said, I think the reason she never texts after work is because he's obviously with her or only texts weekend mornings is because he's asleep.

Show quote history

I think the reason she never texts after work is because he's obviously with her or only texts weekend mornings is because he's asleep.

Totally agree with this, she knows her behaviour is ‘off’ and wouldn’t be acceptable to her fiancé so she is doing it behind his back

orangedream · 08/04/2025 16:57

I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

Why wouldn't she? You seem to be taking a bit of texting with a colleague very seriously indeed.

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 16:57

MarkingBad · 08/04/2025 16:25

Do you often tell a friend who you only think of as a friend at work you are soulmates? And how much you'd want to be with them if only you were single? As a friend?

It's not a friendly thing to do.

Show quote history

This, this is the single biggest thing for me. Maybe I could say ye, soulmates can be just friends but she has specifically told me to my face that she would date me if she were single. She cannot have it both ways.

OP posts:
lilacmamacat · 08/04/2025 16:58

DelphiniumBlue · 08/04/2025 14:07

That's too much texting and too personal for someone who is engaged with a wedding booked. It's inappropriate for her to be calling you a soulmate, or telling you that if she were single she would date you. That is a 'come on' in any language.
Stop the texting. Keep away from her at work. She is loving the attention and is not being fair to you - deep down she knows you are interested and she's trying to keep it that way - who knows why. Could be a self-esteem thing. You can bet that her boyfriend doesn't know that she's calling you her soulmate, I doubt she's being entirely honest here.
So, you are reading her signals correctly, but it's not going to do you any good. She is toying with you. Even if the wedding doesn't go ahead, she's someone best avoided.

Exactly this.

TonTonMacoute · 08/04/2025 16:59

Mischance · 08/04/2025 14:10

She's playing with you. It feels flattering to her to have a fiance and another bloke on a piece of string.

This.

Accurate and concise, not confusing at all.

Toooldtopretend · 08/04/2025 16:59

Sorry, I’m just unable to provide any advice without your starsigns 🙄

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 16:59

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 08/04/2025 16:54

I think you're actually enjoying the attention.

Enjoying? Quite the contrary, I cannot sleep, this is doing my head in, I do not want to go to work.

OP posts:
YouHaveAnArse · 08/04/2025 17:00

Are you definitely 44? Most adults don't write 'bf' or 'gf', nor do they get this invested with 'personality types' (about as useful as a Just Seventeen compatibility quiz) or treat colleague relationships as though they were at high school.

TicklishMintDuck · 08/04/2025 17:01

It sounds like a teenager has written this. You are adults in your 40s. She’s getting married. It isn’t going anywhere good.

EducatingArti · 08/04/2025 17:01

What about shutting it down when she says inappropriate things.

"I don't think I am your soul mate" ( what does that even mean?)

"I enjoy being friends with quite a few of my workmates but it feels like you are being inappropriate here/crossing a boundary."

"Playing "special" relationships is not a road I want to go down."

"You are engaged. I'm happy to chat generally like I do with Steve/Ermintrude/Jasper/Miranda at work but I'm not interested in any special relationships. It wouldn't be appropriate!"

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 17:02

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 16:59

Enjoying? Quite the contrary, I cannot sleep, this is doing my head in, I do not want to go to work.

Show quote history

She has achieved what she wanted then….she’s after getting into your head with her games and all the while she has her fiancé at home and her marriage coming up
Next time she texts don’t respond or wait a long time to respond and then send a very short abrupt response, let the gaps between your response get longer and longer until you stop responding altogether

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:03

maryhinge88 · 08/04/2025 16:33

This woman sounds insane and very toxic. You need to distance yourself from her and give her wide berth. I know you’ve said you barely know the lady at church but you should start talking to her. You don’t need to rush into anything, talking and then asking her out for a coffee would be a good start 😊.

Ye, I'm open, I enjoy talking to people just not specifically looking for that, if I end up with someone then I do, it's just not a priority.

OP posts:
100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 17:03

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 16:52

That's what it's caught me a bit off guard. I have been prioritising myself (and kids) for several years now, we are all in a much better place than we were. The woman in question, I have known 5yrs and we have always got on well but the past few months have been something else entirely. I talk to a LOT of women at work, some by text and it's completely different to anything happening here. I'm just finally happy you know? Not looking for anything, but I would entertain a decent woman coming into my life. Maybe I should say I'm dating, maybe she would back up a bit.
Yes, her partner, he is Weighing heavy on my mind. I don't believe for a second he knows the things she has said, I think the reason she never texts after work is because he's obviously with her or only texts weekend mornings is because he's asleep.

Show quote history

What work do you do which facilitates you talking to a lot of women, by text?

YouHaveAnArse · 08/04/2025 17:03

Also, was this copied from Reddit? What with the '44m' and the 'TL:DR', as well as the 'bf'/'gf' stuff.

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 17:04

100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 17:03

What work do you do which facilitates you talking to a lot of women, by text?

Show quote history

Does it matter?

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:06

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 08/04/2025 16:48

How old were you when you got married? 14? The numbers seem off somehow.

Show quote history

I was married 15yrs, with her 20yrs. Married at 18, I'm 41, not 44 as stated in 1st post.

OP posts:
MrsMoastyToasty · 08/04/2025 17:06

Have you ever heard the phrase "Don't dip your nib in the office inkwell." ?
It's messy and you could end up with lots of "little blots ".

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:07

YouHaveAnArse · 08/04/2025 17:03

Also, was this copied from Reddit? What with the '44m' and the 'TL:DR', as well as the 'bf'/'gf' stuff.

I have not posted on reddit, I'm trying to have a serious conversation.

OP posts:
YouHaveAnArse · 08/04/2025 17:08

Ah, OK, I was confused as to why this was formatted like a Reddit post when Mumsnet is a completely different forum that doesn't use any of those conventions in posts.

100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 17:09

StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 17:04

Does it matter?

Show quote history

I think so.

There's no doubt that the women he describes appears to be displaying odd behaviour however OP sounds somewhat naive and vulnerable. There's a time to be professional at work and there's a time to be friendly with everyone, and everyone's mate.

Els1e · 08/04/2025 17:09

I did the Myers Briggs thing through work. Interesting to a point. If I remember rightly, introverts (I) gain their energy from themselves, are quite happy with their own company. They can be social but will need time out/recovery time as well. An extrovert (E) gets their energy from others. Does not do well alone. Need almost constant interaction from others. Imagine Alien, this lady is feeding off and sucking the energy from you for her own needs. You'd be right to distance yourself.

Swipe left for the next trending thread