Girl at work has me confused

[Cherrybake11]

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

It would appear I have learned something new today, thank you.

Morals, yes. I struggle with this. It's as if she's saying why don't we have an affair, our happiness is all that matters when it's clearly not.

Reduce the texts. Move on and stop considering this outcome. She may be panicking about no longer being single but you’ll only get hurt or caught up in this. She needs to make her own decision based on whether she wants to marry this guy .

I barely know her, I'm a bit cautious after my marriage. Last gf I had it was 2mths before anything physical happened lol.

Don't go there, it will all just get very very messy!

Christ, how the hell were you married for 20 years? You sound about 12 with all your "personality type" bollocks.

Grow up and stop being a bellend. She's engaged, stop messing around with her. If you're really that happy being single, then why are you even entertaining going after a woman who's already in a relationship?

How do you reply when she says things like 'I would date you if you were single'?

Also, how do you feel about her? Your OP sounds as if you are keen and would be interested if she called off the wedding, but your more recent posts sound as if you are happy being single and not that interested.

Regardless, she sounds as if she has very different morals from you and could make you very unhappy. I would reduce contact.

So true, I'm not going to influence her decision making at all, it's practically manipulation isn't it. Maybe she wants a reason to jump ship but she must make her decisions irregardless of me.

I say, well your not. She then backtracks, we're good friends etc.
I like her, always have but she has a bf so have never entertained the idea until she said she would date me if she were single. I am happy single, this has all hit me by surprise.

Sorry you need a big bucket of cold water.

You're just an ego boost for her that she keeps dangling on the end of a line.

Get the hook out of your mouth, don't have relationships at work, it's a nightmare and you are opening yourself up to all kinds of problems. Back away and find yourself a decent woman, not this game playing arsehole.

This friend is not a friend at all.

Definitely distance yourself, it sounds like she knows you like her and is using you for attention and an ego boost, women like this prey on vulnerable men ( single men) to boost self esteem.
Focus on your own life and happiness just as she is focusing on hers,
Cut way back on communication and maybe even pretend that you are casually dating ….or even just go on some actual dates to distract yourself from her.
I believe she is also being very disrespectful to her fiancé by communicating some of the things she has said to you and the amount of communication she has with you, so this alone Dosen’t say much for her actual character

Affairs don't bring happiness. They bring devastation and heartbreak. They rarely end in a successful new relationship and leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

This woman is already swinging a wrecking ball through her primary relationship. Why would you want to open yourself up to someone like that?

She sounds quite manipulative and is playing with your feelings. I would give her a wide berth as you're in danger of being used and getting very hurt. The Myers-Briggs thing is irrelevant.

She’s playing games with you and the only person who’s going to end up getting hurt is you.

Back off from her and try not to tell her too much.

Obviously you’re friends and work together so don’t want to not speak to her again but don’t initiate any texts and when she texts you take a while to respond.

Be careful you are not giving her too much information about your personal life and when she says things like you’re her soul mate just ignore or say thanks, don’t feed into her mind games by saying similar back.

A man and a woman can be good friends but only if you both know that is what it is. It sounds as if she thinks of you as a friend she can be close to but you are secretly wanting more. For both your sakes you need to realise that she is just being a friend.

Erm I would look at it like if I was in a relationship how would I feel to find my other half texting more than friends do...so I would never have started down this path, regardless of what she's playing at why would you want to potentially hurt her partner who hasn't done anything wrong.

This whole thread has been the bucket of water lol. Thank you.

Do you often tell a friend who you only think of as a friend at work you are soulmates? And how much you'd want to be with them if only you were single? As a friend?

It's not a friendly thing to do.

So what's your plan moving forward?

Glad you got something out of it😁

This woman sounds insane and very toxic. You need to distance yourself from her and give her wide berth. I know you’ve said you barely know the lady at church but you should start talking to her. You don’t need to rush into anything, talking and then asking her out for a coffee would be a good start 😊.

Sure Jan

you are 44 not 12. She’s getting married and toying with you. Move on!

Don't make a fool of yourself. She's either trying weirdly to be kind to you or she is getting an ego boost from you.

Regardless, she's engaged so really all you need to be thinking is that some of her comments are rather inappropriate.

How old were you when you got married? 14? The numbers seem off somehow.

If your 'friend' ends her engagement and arrives at your doorstep... how would you react?

As you consider this (if you need to) keep in mind your previous relationship and how that went wrong from a hopeful beginning.

Were there are any warning signs that you should have been aware of before entering that one?

Would a relationship with your friend lead you down a similar path?

Being single and happy can be very good indeed.