Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Girl at work has me confused

276 replies

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 13:54

44m working with a 41f. She is due to be married in a few months. We have worked together for 5yrs. I have always been fond of her and we get on really well. I know she has a bf so have always just been friendly with her. A few months ago we were talking about me 'needing a gf' a favourite topic of hers, as I have been single around 3yrs. I was in a bad place back then and she commented about how different I am now, she said that she would date me if she was single. This comment made me begin to think that maybe this girl likes me. Since then we have grown closer. We have both started to attend church separately and she gave me her number randomly so we could discuss it. Her texting pattern is weird. We text most days when at work but very rarely after work or weekends. Weekends is normally early and is very short and to the point. I'd say 90% of initiation comes from her. Our texts are very friendly, we laugh a lot but also discuss much deeper stuff. She is an enfj and I an infj. Every now and again she throws me a curveball such as:

We are so alike
I have connected to you
If I were single we would go on holiday
We are soulmates, but just friends
We understand one another

I directly asked her if she thinks we text too much, she got very defensive and said her bf trusts her 100%, she loves him unconditionally and it's not like we are coming on to each other? People would kill for what we have etc

The past few weeks she seems nervous when first seeing me at work, then once we start talking we can't shut up.

Some days she will not text at all but someday it's constant.

I am really confused about this situation. My honest opinion is that this girl likes me likes me bit seems very confused about her feelings towards me. I am not going to do something stupid like profess my love, my plan is to not tell her that I like her, and to not interfere or try to influence her decision making. I am going to wait and see if she goes ahead with her wedding.

I would very much like to hear others tell me their assessment of this situation.

TLDR girl I like is sending mixed signals.

OP posts:
kerstina · 08/04/2025 17:34

I will go against the grain here and say I like the Myers Briggs it can make you understand your personality a bit more . You are basically filling in the quizz and it is assessing you. You both are led with feeling over thinking. Also both have judging so usually a bit more rigid in than perceivers who go with the flow more. It is easy for a friendship like yours to drift into affair territory so yes I would start putting a few boundaries in place so no one gets hurt.

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 08/04/2025 17:35

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:33

This is most definitely different. People have commented that they think something is going on between us. In the spirit of honesty, I can be naive with women and this is one of the reasons I am seeking advice.

Show quote history

They will think this though if it is evident you have romantic feelings towards her, and are unconsciously reacting awkwardly to her comments. If somebody you didn't find attractive made these remarks, how would you react?

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:35

Els1e · 08/04/2025 17:09

I did the Myers Briggs thing through work. Interesting to a point. If I remember rightly, introverts (I) gain their energy from themselves, are quite happy with their own company. They can be social but will need time out/recovery time as well. An extrovert (E) gets their energy from others. Does not do well alone. Need almost constant interaction from others. Imagine Alien, this lady is feeding off and sucking the energy from you for her own needs. You'd be right to distance yourself.

I'm glad you said this, I do very well alone. I have interaction at work but need my alone time. The woman in question is friendly with everybody but has told me that with me it's different, and it is.

OP posts:
Ilikeadrink14 · 08/04/2025 17:36

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:10

I think looking at it now the best thing to do is begin distancing myself from her. I did this around a month ago and she seemed very upset. But it must be done. As far as texting goes, it's she who initiates around 90% of it so I think I'll follow the advice of one of the replies that said I should make her wait before replying, show her I'm not willing to engage.

Show quote history

If you work with her, so presumably see her and can talk to her, why do you need to text at all? Do you text your other colleagues? As everyone else has said, ditch her. Don’t answer texts (as I said before, why text if you can talk to her in person?). If you are 41, you should have more sense. I think you are enjoying it a bit, even if it gives you sleepless nights! Everyone enjoys flattery.

Charlize43 · 08/04/2025 17:38

Seek guidance from your Priest (or the lady in the church) as she could be Satan sent to tempt and test you (and text you).

Adultery is a cardinal sin (number 6 in the top 10 Moses list). Try throwing holy water at her (shop Ebay for an aspergillum) while declaiming 'Out Satan She-Devil' but don't do this in a work environment as she might report you to HR and it could get you into big trouble.

Protect yourself. Tell her you've changed your MBTI personality type to 'likes cock.'

As a last resort you could resort to the Trinity strategy and ghost her.

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:39

Riversof0tter5 · 08/04/2025 17:12

I could imagine having been like the work lady in my very early 20s if trying to build up someone's self-esteem. Not if I were engaged, though.

Where does church come into this? Can you go at different worship times from her? Does the church have a café or any events like concerts? You could start mingling and find new friends.

Perhaps try telling her directly "I'm not comfortable talking like this." Or "I appreciate your good opinion but I need to focus on my work right now". Without naming names you can have a chat with a priest, deacon, or whatever kind of person serves in your church and ask her/him for some advice. Some of my best tactful "go away" lines have been given to me by priests. They have to use them a lot in their line of work.

Why is she bringing the intensity of church into her friendship with you, anyway? Prayer can be very vulnerable. She needs to be respecting her upcoming marriage bond. Not using the house of God to confuse herself and a contentedly single man open to healthy relationships.

Edited

We attend different churches. I was actually thinking of talking to my priest. I think she has used it to give me her number. I was a bit anxious when she did and I told a friend I was worried this was not going to be a good idea....

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:40

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 08/04/2025 17:35

They will think this though if it is evident you have romantic feelings towards her, and are unconsciously reacting awkwardly to her comments. If somebody you didn't find attractive made these remarks, how would you react?

Edited
Show quote history

A valid point my friend bought up, if I did not like her, there would be no problem.

OP posts:
ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 08/04/2025 17:40

Ilikeadrink14 · 08/04/2025 17:36

If you work with her, so presumably see her and can talk to her, why do you need to text at all? Do you text your other colleagues? As everyone else has said, ditch her. Don’t answer texts (as I said before, why text if you can talk to her in person?). If you are 41, you should have more sense. I think you are enjoying it a bit, even if it gives you sleepless nights! Everyone enjoys flattery.

Show quote history

He said he is 44? It doesn't take much to say, "what do you mean by that?" given op has said she has made a lot of similar comments. Agreed, no need for messaging or playing games with waiting for responses. This reminds me of my teenage years when I wouldn't text somebody back quickly.

AlmosttimeforChristmas · 08/04/2025 17:40

Seaoftroubles · 08/04/2025 14:18

Had you not mentioned your ages l'd have thought this was from a teenager. She is bad news OP, she's enjoying the attention and playing with your feelings.
l doubt her bf would be too happy with this level of contact. Picture yourself in his shoes and think how you would feel.

This

mangosmoothie123 · 08/04/2025 17:42

Easy, she’s bored and is using you for entertainment and ego boost purposes when her finance isn’t there.

Try to cool off with her and ignore the mixed signals.
As the saying goes, if you have to question it, it’s not for you

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:43

Ilikeadrink14 · 08/04/2025 17:36

If you work with her, so presumably see her and can talk to her, why do you need to text at all? Do you text your other colleagues? As everyone else has said, ditch her. Don’t answer texts (as I said before, why text if you can talk to her in person?). If you are 41, you should have more sense. I think you are enjoying it a bit, even if it gives you sleepless nights! Everyone enjoys flattery.

Show quote history

I know right. She mad3 a comment about another woman who texts her bf all day, she said who's got time to text their bf all day and I thought, you text me all day! Very rarely text other colleagues at work, it's generally outside work hours ironically.

OP posts:
ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 08/04/2025 17:43

mangosmoothie123 · 08/04/2025 17:42

Easy, she’s bored and is using you for entertainment and ego boost purposes when her finance isn’t there.

Try to cool off with her and ignore the mixed signals.
As the saying goes, if you have to question it, it’s not for you

Agreed, cold turkey on the messaging. Contact only at work. If she queries it, say you've been busy. Don't justify, don't explain.

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:44

ANDisayWhatsGoingon · 08/04/2025 17:40

He said he is 44? It doesn't take much to say, "what do you mean by that?" given op has said she has made a lot of similar comments. Agreed, no need for messaging or playing games with waiting for responses. This reminds me of my teenage years when I wouldn't text somebody back quickly.

Show quote history

I know.

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 08/04/2025 17:47

I think she wants to still feel attractive to other men before she commits herself once and for all. It’s an ego trip, nothing more. Don’t do anything to compromise your professionalism.

LimeQuoter · 08/04/2025 17:50

I would play it cool for now. You could ask her questions about the wedding and see what kind of answers she gives you and in what tone. If she does talk excitedly about it, then you definitely know the answer, and if she just shrugs it off a bit or doesn't talk much about it, then maybe there is a chance she's on the fence. I would just talk to her as normal for now, they same kind of work chat ye normally have and wait and see as you say. And brace yourself for the fact that ,she might go ahead with it..

OfNoOne · 08/04/2025 17:52

She's a grown woman and you're a grown man - don't infantilise her or yourself by using terms like 'girl', which subconsciously reduce expectations of mature, appropriate behaviour.

She's engaged to another man. What happens between them is their business, but a self-respecting person can and should have a boundary that means being engaged = don't even consider romance/sex/affair. I can pretty much guarantee she won't leave him for you.

She's a work colleague. You're jeopardising your professional reputation if you continue blurring boundaries like this.

MBTI personality types are about as scientifically valid as horoscopes. Treat them with the contempt they deserve.

ViciousCurrentBun · 08/04/2025 17:54

She is a bloody awful human being and more fool you. Needs her ego fed.

100percenthagitude · 08/04/2025 17:54

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:43

I know right. She mad3 a comment about another woman who texts her bf all day, she said who's got time to text their bf all day and I thought, you text me all day! Very rarely text other colleagues at work, it's generally outside work hours ironically.

Show quote history

So you and her text each other pretty much constantly at work with the in depth stuff? And that others have noticed and think something is going on?

With respect @Cherrybake11 you are naive about more than just women. Are you not supposed to be focussing on doing your job? Particularly as you referenced Myers Briggs: I assume you are a business professional?

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:56

LimeQuoter · 08/04/2025 17:50

I would play it cool for now. You could ask her questions about the wedding and see what kind of answers she gives you and in what tone. If she does talk excitedly about it, then you definitely know the answer, and if she just shrugs it off a bit or doesn't talk much about it, then maybe there is a chance she's on the fence. I would just talk to her as normal for now, they same kind of work chat ye normally have and wait and see as you say. And brace yourself for the fact that ,she might go ahead with it..

She very rarely mentions it or her bf, she seems very stressed out about it when she does mention it. I would put my life on her going ahead with it.

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 08/04/2025 17:56

She's playing with you . If she ever decides to break things off with her fiance , I don't think it would be in your best interest to get together as , after a while , I'm sure she'd be doing the same thing with another man .

YouHaveAnArse · 08/04/2025 17:58

I think what you really really need, my friend, is a hobby to stop you being so overinvested in texting your colleague all day or saying things like 'I would put my life on her going ahead with it'.

Riversof0tter5 · 08/04/2025 18:00

Yes, do chat with your priest! I'm glad you don't go to the same church.

There is so much to do in life...why isn't she burning off some energy on macrame or mountaineering, or campaigning against poverty, or planning cute gifts for her bridesmaids, instead of texting you? She's taking up way too much headspace when you also could literally be doing anything else.

If you ever do get together with someone, how would that person feel about your friendship? How would you feel if they had a similar friendship?

Become busy. Very very busy. Or 'busy'.

If there are not a lot of men in your workplace, let her home in on some other man for her ego boost. Don't be vulnerable to her need for attention.

Original poster
Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 18:00

OfNoOne · 08/04/2025 17:52

She's a grown woman and you're a grown man - don't infantilise her or yourself by using terms like 'girl', which subconsciously reduce expectations of mature, appropriate behaviour.

She's engaged to another man. What happens between them is their business, but a self-respecting person can and should have a boundary that means being engaged = don't even consider romance/sex/affair. I can pretty much guarantee she won't leave him for you.

She's a work colleague. You're jeopardising your professional reputation if you continue blurring boundaries like this.

MBTI personality types are about as scientifically valid as horoscopes. Treat them with the contempt they deserve.

Ok, let's clear this up. The girls at work have been called girls for decades, nobody has ever questioned/complained about this, they themselves refer to themselves as girls and have their very own workers club that they call the girls club. I'm not being disrespectful or infantilising anybody here.
I know she won't leave him for me, I can guarantee it. This is why I said I will not influence her decision making.

OP posts:
StrangerThings1 · 08/04/2025 18:01

Cherrybake11 · 08/04/2025 17:56

She very rarely mentions it or her bf, she seems very stressed out about it when she does mention it. I would put my life on her going ahead with it.

Show quote history

Organising a wedding is stressful whether you love your future husband or not, She will definitely go ahead with it
Have you been invited to the wedding? If you are such good friends I expect you have been?

Riversof0tter5 · 08/04/2025 18:04

I mean if she decided to jilt him at almost the altar and get together with you, 100% she would have some other poor fool on the side keeping her feeling like she has options. Emotional vampirism.

People very seldom turn up in villain costumes with cackling laughs when they're bad, or bad for you. She might have lots of lovely qualities but she's being bad to you and her fiancé, and also not professional.

Are these your individual phones or issued by work? Does work have any policy on type or amount of private conversations while on the clock?