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Original poster

Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

380 replies

Forestdark · 06/04/2025 10:02

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

OP posts:
BlossomBlossomBlossom · 07/04/2025 12:41

So, just to clarify, he doesn’t think of the house you live in as your daughter’s home?

That’s bad …

grumpygrape · 07/04/2025 12:42

OP

‘he is never alone with her (just the way I prefer things)’

Speaks volumes. Go with the gut reason for that and finish with this person who doesn’t realise your child is more important to you than he is (rightly so).

From your posts I fell he pays lip service to his relationship with his child but wants to be above yours in your hierarchy.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/04/2025 12:43

If his DPs were smothering but very critical it's easy to see why he's like this but that's a very deep seated problem Op, he's not going to be able to change without a lot of help. He's says he's doing everything right but it's like he has a list, do the garden, walk the dog etc then she'll love me, he's not doing it because it needs doing.
No reasurance is ever going to be enough for him, emotionally he's still the little boy who didn't feel his DM loved him, which is very sad, but something you can't cure or change

WhatterySquash · 07/04/2025 12:44

That's good to hear OP - but tread carefully. For example don't have that conversation when you're alone with him and/or with your DD around. Do you have any male friends or relatives who can come over?

WhatterySquash · 07/04/2025 12:45

Is he on the tenancy and has a legal right to stay?

Buttonknot · 07/04/2025 12:45

"I am doing everything right" is such a transactional thing to say. He needs to understand that a good healthy relationship doesn't work by him deciding what is "right" rather than actually listening to what you are saying and changing his behaviour. How about saying "No! You are not doing everything right! You are smothering and controlling and needy and you don't listen to me. This is not what I want in a partner."

whistlesandbells · 07/04/2025 12:48

Forestdark · 06/04/2025 10:22

No, we have a very active sex life, I think I have the slightly higher drive as he has quite a few ‘conditions’ about sex, one of which if he doesn’t feel we have been ‘close’ enough he doesn’t feel in the mood, it’s very strange tbh

Show quote history

Conditions on consent reliant on “intimacy” is a red flag that goes both ways.

“You must do and be a certain way before I engage” is important. Withholding intimacy based on the notion of only one party is worrying. It can be coercion.

You should pull back from this relationship. Neither of you are on the same page.

Crikeyalmighty · 07/04/2025 12:49

I would be very careful OP about getting out of this. Many women have found it difficult when the guy does stuff about the house and is attractive and funny - because that’s what others will see - not the controlling aspects, the needy shit , the wanting you 100% obsessed on him- many a ( in my opinion) total twat comes over’well’ to others. So if you decide to end it ( and I certainly would) keep any plans to yourself - I had a so called friend tell the guy I knew that was similar, ‘I don’t think crikey is very happy and is looking at leaving’ because she genuinely thought he was ‘a nice guy’ who would just try and make me more happy. It wasn’t done in exactly bad faith but she didn’t have all the facts because I hadn’t revealed them to her. He totally went nuts and stripped the house out when I was out one day. Some blokes can charm the birds off the trees whilst being awful to live with and awful people and there are indeed women out there who do love this 100% total co dependency shmuck

Sodthesystem · 07/04/2025 13:00

I would put money on him acting like you are just 'having a moment' when you tell him it's over.

Be very clear with him. 'Your behaviour has been unacceptable and grossly smothering and I'm done. Would you like to move out or should I?'.

Don't let him know you don't want to leave. He will use that against you to stay.

Always remember his motive is to convince you you are overreacting/don't know your own mind. And to take him back. And he will make it as difficult as possible for you to get away from him.

When he realises you are a hundred percent done, he may then switch to being abusive.

Telling you you are 'icy' or 'never loved him' are tactics to get you back on the merry go round of 'prove your love/goodness'.
Don't fall for those.
Just 'Im sorry you feel that way'.

Dont get caught explaining why he has to go and justifying why you feel as you do. Just 'this relationship has run it's course. I feel stifled and I'm not happy anymore. So let's call it a day'. You don't owe any more than that. 'No' is a complete sentence.

ruddygreattiger · 07/04/2025 13:01

I'm sorry but just wanting your daughter out of HER HOME would have me telling him to leave on the spot. How fucking dare he question her presence.

I feel so sorry for the poor girl.

wrongthinker · 07/04/2025 13:01

Be careful OP because he sounds dangerous and unpredictable. So called "crimes of passion" are often committed under these kinds of circumstances.

A pp suggested having a male friend or relative with you when you have the conversation. Personally I would get in touch with Women's Aid and ask their advice on the safest way to end this relationship.

ETA: sorry if that comes across as fearmongering. But given all you've said I would definitely call WA and ask their advice on how best to handle this.

Stravaig · 07/04/2025 13:30

I agree with others, this is not a man you just 'speak to about moving out'. He is unpredictable and could well act out against you, your daughter, your home.

You need a clear plan in place.

An unequivocal message (we're over; leave now), friends/family on hand to back you up and help move his belongings out, secure your finances beforehand, have a locksmith ready to act immediately, and loop in the landlord about changes to tenancy/locks. Ensure your and your daughter's safety as a priority. Book time off if it would be helpful. Be open with everyone that you are ending a coercive/controlling relationship, and need their support.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 07/04/2025 13:45

Forestdark · 06/04/2025 10:24

Sex is tricky. One of his most recent examples of me not being obsessed enough is that we did a position that I wanted to do but he was a bit anxious about (nothing weird) and I didn’t make enough of a celebration about it after we did it

Show quote history

This made me laugh my tea out! "celebration about it"... like bunting and clapping and a song!

kellygoeswest · 07/04/2025 13:52

I've seen your latest updates and I share the other repliers concerns about telling him you want to end things/have him move out.

I know as women we shouldn't have to do this, but is there a way you could let your ex (daughters dad) know that you're ending things, in case it escalates? (only suggesting him as you said he's been around recently!)

Or do you have anyone else you could maybe trust to be with you at home when you break this to him?

The other concern is that he might not immediately be dangerous... but once it sinks in he may react badly. Obviously we can't predict his behaviour but the signs are there that he may not take it well.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2025 13:54

'Talking to him about moving out' is a risky thing to do. He's not going to accept it, he's going to be furious that 'doing everything right' isn't entitling him to sole ownership of you.

Instructing him to leave immediately with somebody there with you at the time, changing all of the locks and upgrading security would be safer.

At the very least, he's going to insist that you're fucking another man and that's why you want him out.

cestlaviecherie · 07/04/2025 14:12

Calliopespa · 06/04/2025 15:38

They are prevalent - and actually women can be similar.

I wonder what causes it.

I know posters will leap on to say “ some people are just arsey, self-absorbed, narcs etc. But I mean what do you actually think really lies behind it because mostly I think we are blank slates until we become products of our environment.

Did he have parents who were distracted or absent? I’ve often wondered about that and a deep-seated fear of not being able to hold the attention of those they want to love them.

Edited
Show quote history

I think it's more likely to be a past relationship where he got dumped and now he's paranoid.

My parents were very absent, my mum didn't like to do anything with us or leave the house, we were usually told to go away if we asked for something, we were parked in front of the TV, and there were many years of my life I didn't even see my dad once - he would appear and disappear again.

I do feel sad when people leave my house now sometimes which I guess is a throwback to that abandonment, but I'd say generally the opposite is true. I'm so used to being independent and without people around that I find being around people for long stretches of time quite suffocating and stressful and often see them as interfering with whatever I'm trying to do. I find clingy people far, far too much. I would have binned this guy off years ago. I can't tell from the posts if he needs therapy for past trauma or he's just a control freak, but I couldn't cope regardless. He needs a hobby he's passionate about or some friends or something, it's not healthy to make your universe about one person.

Bananalanacake · 07/04/2025 14:26

I also think you should try out an experiment on him. It is very worrying you think he won't be happy if you go out on your own, so tell him you are doing a pub quiz every Thursday night with work colleagues, a spin class every Tuesday night and volunteering for a charity every 2 Saturdays, or anything, just tailor it to your interests, if he kicks up the slightest bit of awkwardness you will know he is a controlling bastard. A normal guy in a healthy relationship who loved you would say, that sounds fun, enjoy yourself.

MissDoubleU · 07/04/2025 14:59

Never mind not being obsessed. I couldn’t live with someone who made it known he grudged my children being there.

Runningoutofpatiencefucksandmoney · 07/04/2025 15:16

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2025 13:54

'Talking to him about moving out' is a risky thing to do. He's not going to accept it, he's going to be furious that 'doing everything right' isn't entitling him to sole ownership of you.

Instructing him to leave immediately with somebody there with you at the time, changing all of the locks and upgrading security would be safer.

At the very least, he's going to insist that you're fucking another man and that's why you want him out.

Ah yes.....the "fucking another man" statement 🤣🤣🤣 When I ended it with ex DP I got the "hope you're happy with him" , because obviously it had to be another man, not because he was a selfish covert narcissistic DICK. So predictable.

And as @Bananalanacake said, partners should be happy for you going out and tell you to enjoy yourself. Not a covert narc though - rather than say that to me, he would say things like "well I'll go out for the day then", (trying to make me jealous) because he wanted me to tell him that, no, don't go out on your own, come out with me instead. Iyswim.

Streaaa · 07/04/2025 15:24

OP, him complaining about your daughter should be a much bigger red flag than you are crediting it with.
He doesn't like her in her own home.
She is an inconvenience.

She really should be your priority.
You have moved in with a deeply unstable, unhinged man.

Protect your child from him.

Sodthesystem · 07/04/2025 15:42

cestlaviecherie · 07/04/2025 14:12

I think it's more likely to be a past relationship where he got dumped and now he's paranoid.

My parents were very absent, my mum didn't like to do anything with us or leave the house, we were usually told to go away if we asked for something, we were parked in front of the TV, and there were many years of my life I didn't even see my dad once - he would appear and disappear again.

I do feel sad when people leave my house now sometimes which I guess is a throwback to that abandonment, but I'd say generally the opposite is true. I'm so used to being independent and without people around that I find being around people for long stretches of time quite suffocating and stressful and often see them as interfering with whatever I'm trying to do. I find clingy people far, far too much. I would have binned this guy off years ago. I can't tell from the posts if he needs therapy for past trauma or he's just a control freak, but I couldn't cope regardless. He needs a hobby he's passionate about or some friends or something, it's not healthy to make your universe about one person.

Show quote history

I'd be careful with thinking that (your first sentence).

Abusers want you to make excuses for them.
They want you thinking 'oh he's just insecure because of xyz'. It's not insecurity - it's control.

Plenty of people come from abuse or relationships that ended badly and don't go on to behave in controlling and abusive manners themselves.

There's no excuse for it.

There's a difference between needing a little more reassurance from a partner and, smothering them. Feeling a little sad when people leave is normal, making it a them problem wuth clingy behaviour like ops partner does, is not normal.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 07/04/2025 16:09

"He says 'all my good feelings come from you, and I won't be told that's a negative!"

In short - fucking hell. He's a psycho.

2JFDIYOLO · 07/04/2025 16:23

Be very, very careful, op. This is the moment that can be dangerous and you have your and your child's safety to consider.

Please have someone with you when you tell him. Do you have family, friends who can be there?

If it's a male friend, be prepared for accusations to start flying.

Whether you ask him to leave, or decide to leave yourself, have your plans made first.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/04/2025 16:43

Yes, the 'wanting rid of your child' thing will ramp up.

As I said before, the ex that this guy reminds me of wanted my kids to go and live with their father. He hadn't even met them and he wanted rid.

Your DD will be the first thing he suggests you will have a better time without. Then the dogs. Then all your friends. They have absolutely no idea to what lengths we will go to protect our children and seriously believe that we will just say 'yes dear' and never see our kids again.

VickyEadieofThigh · 07/04/2025 17:00

I felt suffocated just reading this. Apart from the fact he sounds like a dangerous nutter, you can't force yourself to be "obsessed" - you either are, or are not.