Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

"all my good feelings come from you".

Run, OP.

And he makes some digs about how ‘DD lives here all the time so she is always around

😮😮
And where does he think your child should live? Ignore the second part (being naked) of that sentence because that was just an add on to make the first part seem not as bad. He has TOLD you he doesn't want her around and once she hits college age he will be demanding she leaves... and by then your self esteem will have vanished and you will agree with him.

He has a dark soul OP. Be very very careful in ending this. Tell lots of people in advance, get a good friend to call round, and have your phone in your hand all the time. You are in an abusive relationship.

OP, was his ex also younger than he is?

Do you know her? I'd be meeting for coffee and a nice frank chat.

“All my good feelings come from you”

Aaaaaaarrrggghhhhhhhhhh hell NO. You are NOT responsible for his feelings!!!!!!! This is not just a red flag, it’s a fucking Moscow parade of red flags!!!! 🚩

I agree.

I don’t want to see a picture of you and your little girl on the front page of the paper. “He seemed so nice, he must have snapped” says neighbour Doris, after bodies found.

Im not joking, I’m concerned for you both.

Thank goodness you're taking time to reflect on this. He's not ok is he? His whole perspective is nuts.

Where does your DD figure in all of this?

She doesn't.
She's an inconvenience.
Poor child.

How old is your DD, OP, and how much of her time does she spend with you?

I'm wondering how there is any space for normal teenage girl "bleurgh, you guys are gross!" angst in the love-fest he seems to want happening the whole time.

In a household with children, normally the children get a bit more of a mention but your and his DD hardly feature in your posts. I'm not saying life should totally revolve around the kids, but usually their interests come first and the adults' romantic relationship has to take a back seat.

For me, his neediness would be incredibly off-putting and I don't think has any place in a family dynamic. That is what kids are for - to be needy and demanding. You as the adults in the house should be each other's 'strength and stay', to use an old-fashioned term.

100% this.

It is also just one tiny step away from "All my bad feelings are caused by you too".

This makes for a chilling read @Forestdark

It just gets worse and worse every time you post.

The post about him resenting your DD "living there all the time" is beyond awful.

Please, please get rid of him. He sounds sinister and I genuinely think things will continue to escalate until you are in a very dangerous situation (or worse!!)

Have a read of the Rules of Misogyny, OP.

Do you recognise any of them?

https://forwomen.scot/05/02/2025/rules-of-misogyny/

Can we have an update OP? Hope you're ok!

Hi all,

sorry, yes I am all ok thank you, I have had a frank chat with him and said that if all this nonsense doesn’t stop then he can leave. Told him it’s giving me the ick big time. He was taken aback but agreed to cool off with everything, and apologised for being suffocating he just stays what he thinks without thinking, time will tell but I will not be letting it slide.

DD is a teenager, she doesn’t mind him, between his work, her routine with school, hobbies, friends and time with her own dad she doesn’t have lot to do with him tbh.

He is going away tomorrow night for a couple of nights on a trip with a friend so I’ll be pleased for the downtime.

Just keep an eye out for abuse presenting in other ways now. Maybe passive aggressive comments, implications that you are 'cold' etc...

I'm glad you've found your voice but I think once you've had a bit of time to breathe you'll come to realise this isn't fixable. Haranging you for months obsessively, obviously isn't just him 'not thinking before he speaks'.

And I think you said you do not think he'd be happy about you going out? (If that wasn't you, apologies).

Dont feel you owe it to him to give him more chances. You absolutely don't. You are well within your rights to say that on further consideration, you don't want to continue.

Sit with it over the next few days. Hopefully he'll give you peace to think. But I wouldn't put it past him to come home early or some other nonsense. When they think you might be getting ideas to leave they often up the crazy making behaviour. Perhaps not this time though considering clingy behaviour is the exact thing you've called him out on TBF.

You should have ended it. Big mistake.

You’ve spoken to him about this numerous times. Why do you think this time will be different?

He'll be on his best behaviour now until you renew your lease on the home.

Just keep an eye out for abuse presenting in other ways now. Maybe passive aggressive comments, implications that you are 'cold' etc...

The poster who pointed this out is worth listening to.

I think you’ve made a bit of a mistake in not cleanly cutting yourself (and daughter and dog) free.

This.
Huge mistake not to have ended it.

Bag his stuff and change the locks while he is away.

Am I right that you were a teen and he was in his twenties when you first dated? And you got together again when you were still young around 30, but now you're mid thirties.

It could be as simple as, he prefers a younger more impressionable woman who doesn't know any better than to elevate and worship him, simply for being an average middle aged man 🤔 Have you dared to grow a bit in the intervening years? Do you have your own opinions and preferences more nowadays? Are you busy living life and not centering him like the god of the flipping sun, as he wishes?? Ick, indeed.

I'd be alert that he's setting you up to fail so he can move on to someone who will worship him (DONT fall into the trap of massaging his ego). He's being weird.

You're pleased he's going away for a couple of times so you can get some downtime?
Isn't that rather telling that you're looking forward to him not being there?

Anyway, anyone who said my daughter was any kind of obstacle would be gone in a second, but you seem to have reasoned with yourself that isn't worth causing a fuss about. So good luck op, but more importantly I hope for the best for your daughter. I'm out.

He is going away tomorrow night for a couple of nights on a trip with a friend so I’ll be pleased for the downtime.

As pp has said, doesn't this tell you how wrong this relationship is for you? You look forward to his absence to relax.

Use the time he's away to get your head straight. Personally I think you should pack his shit up and end it while he's away.

I didn't have much to do with my stepdad as a teen, but I can tell you I resented his suffocating presence and it still hurt my relationship with my mum.

When he's back from his trip OP deliberately organise a girls night out. See how he responds to you going out more by yourself. It could be he realises he's been a weirdo and stops pestering you- but I doubt it.