Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

[Forestdark]

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

This is excellent.

Honestly OP please leave. He sounds insane. Please dont subject your daughter to this.

He HAS TO GO, OP. Please slowly detach, don't spook him, but bin him. He sound like a walking time bomb. No adult should be expressing needs like a toddler wanting his mum. Repellent.

I think what he means is the limerance is over....the crazy head over heels kind of love stage is over and you've now settled into the more natural long term phase but your DP prefers the in limerance stage.

I suppose initially I just brushed it off as a bit silly, but as the times have gone on and Iv asked him to clarify it’s suddenly dawned on me he isn’t just having a bit of a down time or needs a bit of reassurance it’s becoming all the time

Honestly, you should put an exit plan in motion especially as luckily you have no joint children. As someone with a carbon copy ex, it only escalates and gets worse. The paranoia they have will eventually turn into spying, irrational moodiness and you increasingly becoming wary and unable to even share a flippant joke as he reads messages into it which aren’t there. Towards the end if I said I liked a love song, he even ruined that by saying “why because of the lyrics” and if I replied no I didn’t even know what they were I just liked the beat he’d dejectedly say “Oh” or worse if in a bad mood, accuse me of being cold 🙄

He sounds deranged op

Please be careful

This is so creepy and sounds like the start of a stalker movie. I can imagine him staring at a photo of you at work getting himself all worked up. Ew. We're not supposed to date the creeps OP. Maybe briefly as a teenager for a life lesson.
You've a grown up with a life, this is ridiculous.

Oh God no not one of those men. My ex was in my face constantly wanting my absolute attention, he was a narcissist. Needs attention 100% of the time. We are divorced.

You work 3 days a week and you’re the main breadwinner? What on earth does he do? Does he work at all?

That’s it, I’d be out. I couldn’t engage in a conversation with my partner about how many kisses I put on a message. Nope, nope, nope. LTB

I should have said it’s 3 long days, 13/14 hours, he is self employed.

only 3 kisses at the end of a text - what is he a teenager ?!!!

I think Mumsnet have spotted enough red flags to make bunting.

He complained about not getting more xxx's, you complied and gave him more, then he still complained.

In abuse terminology it's called a 'double-bind': you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

He wants you to pretend doesn’t he.

16 isn’t underage, assuming the OP lives in the UK

AS my auntie used to say 'Some people have to be the bride at every wedding, and the corpse at every funeral'....

I had a relationship with a scary needy individual like this and your post about the texts made me almost vomit with recognition.

Once my beloved grandmother had a stroke and I had to leave work and catch the train down to see her- he sent me a text saying 'Are you thinking of me?'

It then got into a crazy situation where he would tell me to ring him at a certain time. But I had to ring EXACTLY at that time. If I was even a second late, he would go on and on about it until I started crying.

He very nearly broke me. I was 48kgs when I left that relationship. Get out now - it never gets any better

@TheGoddessFrigg that's scary, I'm so glad you saw the light and left him. I hope the Op reads your post, it shows just had bad things could get. Your Exs remark about thinking of him when your DGM was so ill is breathtakingly self absorbed

That ^ coupled with this… I love him but I also love my DD, my work, my dogs, but to him these can ‘get in the way of our time, and I would be ending this relationship. He resents your daughter (and friends) because they eat into his time with you? That is really concerning.

He is showing you who he is here, please do not find yourself isolated and abused in a few years, wondering what the fuck has happened to your life.

That texting anecdote reminds me of the Shia Laboeuf/FKA Twigs abuse that gave her PTSD, specifically: "Barnett said she was expected to meet a daily quota of affection, with LaBeouf expecting her to kiss him a certain number of times per day or reiterate often how much she cared for him. But, she said, such efforts on her part did not stop him from becoming insecure." https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-55795245#:~:text=The%20musician%2C%20real%20name%20Tahliah,look%20men%20in%20the%20eye%22.

Even if you've been able to laugh it off so far, it won't get better, it never does. His neediness will give you the ick and become a self-fulfilling prophecy so when you ditch him he'll say I told you so and go on to be even more toxic. Ugh.

Are you a medic, OP?

I am going to strongly urge you to get this man out of your home. How old is your daughter? Is he in charge of her when you’re working?

He is a walking red flag. You need to find a way to safely end it, and that will mean having everything lined up to get you, your daughter and your dogs out and into a new home. I think at that point he may become very, very unpleasant.

Eew.

I sincerely hope that the OP comes back to update us - that she’s LTB.
He’s a sinister creep & his behaviour is nauseating.

You find it sinister and off-putting. In your shoes I wouldn't waste time trying to work it out, I would walk away. Why are you still with him OP and more importantly, why are you inflicting this on your daughter? The relationship sounds unhealthy to say the least, and you acknowledge this. Your daughter will grow up thinking that this is what a relationship should be like.

I’m not sure this is about control so much (yet). I think he has a deep unfulfilled need to feel loved.

That’s why he seeks out your adoration the whole time — to reassure himself that he’s loved. I’m sort of similar, largely due to mentally absent parents who never made me feel loved, but the difference is that I do recognise it in myself and curb it.

The trouble is, while he’s not particularly controlling at the moment, it could easily go that way.