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Original poster

Partner wants me to be obsessed with him?! WTF?

380 replies

Forestdark · 06/04/2025 10:02

I am 34, DP is 41. 1 child each but none between us.

We have been together for 4 years. We have known each other about 16 years and dated a a bit in my late teens.

It’s been a ‘busy’ relationship, as soon as we got together we both faced some big life issues to sort, work, family, the kids mostly separately but we come together to support each other, etc things are just settling now but lately DP has started going on about how I am not OBSESSED with him anymore.

Firstly, even using the word obsessed gives me the ick.

secondly, the first thing I thought and did when he bought this up was think we need more time together doing something nice, so I booked and paid for a couple of trips. He seemed to enjoy them but as soon as we were back at work etc the same thing came up, we don’t have enough time together, you don’t love me the same, you are not ‘ObSsessed’ shudder

He says that at the start of the relationship we were all over each other, there for each other etc, I would drop things to help him, I was his priority etc, he even said, ‘you wouldn’t even leave a room I was in’ WTF? I don’t recall any of this, yes we were more affectionate as we were on dates just us, not living together so making the most of our time with no distractions, and I did change my plans a couple of times to help him with some big issues but fuck me, that’s just normal isn’t it?

I feel a bit pissed off with it tbh, I bring a lot to the relationship, but I don’t get what he means by saying I am not obsessed with him!! Help!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/04/2025 11:04

We have asked how he is with your daughter, how is he with the dog/s - as they take up your time / energy and love too...

pinkdelight · 07/04/2025 11:17

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/04/2025 11:04

We have asked how he is with your daughter, how is he with the dog/s - as they take up your time / energy and love too...

OP replied: he is ok with my DD, doesn’t really have a lot to do with her which is my preference but he has always been good to her in front of her etc.

Tiswa · 07/04/2025 11:58

pinkdelight · 07/04/2025 11:17

OP replied: he is ok with my DD, doesn’t really have a lot to do with her which is my preference but he has always been good to her in front of her etc.

Show quote history

Which means the poor DD lives with a man who pays her no attention and takes her mums attention away whenever he can. Which is not a pleasant environment and one which will get even more toxic for her as she becomes a teenager

Original poster
Forestdark · 07/04/2025 12:14

Sorry for disappearing, to answer a few questions and update:

He gets on ok with DD, he will speak to her and is pleasant to her and around her, he is never alone with her (just the way I prefer things) so he doesn’t take her out etc but he has paid for us to all do things together.

He quite likes my dogs tbh, never seen any ill will towards them

He just moans about the need to walk them everyday (sometimes he does it when I am working but also have a dog sitter etc so he never has to do anything for them)

And he makes some digs about how ‘DD lives here all the time so she is always around so I can’t walk about naked if I want’ don’t think he has a strong desire to do this, I think it’s just flexing his upset that she is here a lot, I just stare at him bemused when he says crap like this, but it is never when DD is around.

he has gone to work today, but is slightly moppy that we didn’t cuddle for long enough last night 🙄

He says ‘all my good feelings come from you, and I won’t be told that’s a negative!’ I just feel that’s a lot of pressure

He is a very worst case scenario kinda guy too so that’s draining because I am more of a realist

positive sides, he is kind, generous, funny, attractive, does lots in the home, washing, cooking, takes care of all the gardens etc can’t fault him like that

it’s just so draining all the neediness, and even if I say ‘you look nice today’ he will have to answer with ‘do you actually mean that though?!’

also had a text while he was at work, ‘just hoping that obsession you had comes back, I am doing everything right’

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 07/04/2025 12:17

Forestdark · 07/04/2025 12:14

Sorry for disappearing, to answer a few questions and update:

He gets on ok with DD, he will speak to her and is pleasant to her and around her, he is never alone with her (just the way I prefer things) so he doesn’t take her out etc but he has paid for us to all do things together.

He quite likes my dogs tbh, never seen any ill will towards them

He just moans about the need to walk them everyday (sometimes he does it when I am working but also have a dog sitter etc so he never has to do anything for them)

And he makes some digs about how ‘DD lives here all the time so she is always around so I can’t walk about naked if I want’ don’t think he has a strong desire to do this, I think it’s just flexing his upset that she is here a lot, I just stare at him bemused when he says crap like this, but it is never when DD is around.

he has gone to work today, but is slightly moppy that we didn’t cuddle for long enough last night 🙄

He says ‘all my good feelings come from you, and I won’t be told that’s a negative!’ I just feel that’s a lot of pressure

He is a very worst case scenario kinda guy too so that’s draining because I am more of a realist

positive sides, he is kind, generous, funny, attractive, does lots in the home, washing, cooking, takes care of all the gardens etc can’t fault him like that

it’s just so draining all the neediness, and even if I say ‘you look nice today’ he will have to answer with ‘do you actually mean that though?!’

also had a text while he was at work, ‘just hoping that obsession you had comes back, I am doing everything right’

Seriously, put this one back before he starts letting your DD know he resents the fact she's important to you.

FlippantSeal · 07/04/2025 12:19

Even with your update, it's still a hard No from me.
He needs therapy and you need to ltb!

Stravaig · 07/04/2025 12:19

Gods, he's creepy! I'm a bit disturbed that you find any of it appealing tbh.

boredwfh · 07/04/2025 12:20

Yeah this is too much. To be responsible for someone’s happiness in this way is not fair & you’ll become resentful. They need to be happy in themselves first. I can’t see this getting any better.

Sodthesystem · 07/04/2025 12:20

Boke at the update.

Infact I'd message him 🤢🤮
'no you are not doing everything right, you're being smothering and needy. It's putting me off you bigtime. Stop it'.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/04/2025 12:22

Forestdark · 07/04/2025 12:14

Sorry for disappearing, to answer a few questions and update:

He gets on ok with DD, he will speak to her and is pleasant to her and around her, he is never alone with her (just the way I prefer things) so he doesn’t take her out etc but he has paid for us to all do things together.

He quite likes my dogs tbh, never seen any ill will towards them

He just moans about the need to walk them everyday (sometimes he does it when I am working but also have a dog sitter etc so he never has to do anything for them)

And he makes some digs about how ‘DD lives here all the time so she is always around so I can’t walk about naked if I want’ don’t think he has a strong desire to do this, I think it’s just flexing his upset that she is here a lot, I just stare at him bemused when he says crap like this, but it is never when DD is around.

he has gone to work today, but is slightly moppy that we didn’t cuddle for long enough last night 🙄

He says ‘all my good feelings come from you, and I won’t be told that’s a negative!’ I just feel that’s a lot of pressure

He is a very worst case scenario kinda guy too so that’s draining because I am more of a realist

positive sides, he is kind, generous, funny, attractive, does lots in the home, washing, cooking, takes care of all the gardens etc can’t fault him like that

it’s just so draining all the neediness, and even if I say ‘you look nice today’ he will have to answer with ‘do you actually mean that though?!’

also had a text while he was at work, ‘just hoping that obsession you had comes back, I am doing everything right’

So he's making sure that you see him being 'pleasant' and lowering himself to speak to your daughter, he makes sure you see him not actively neglecting or abusing your dogs and provides sex, decoration and a bit of housework?

That's his 'doing everything right'. Not being seen to be abusive. Except the controlling, wanting the dogs out of the way, wanting your DD out of the way and constantly whining that you aren't responding to his demands appropriately.

Has he suggested DD goes to live with her father yet? He's laying the foundations in the 'I can't walk around naked in my own house because this thing that reminds me you've had sex with somebody else and steals your mind and emotional attachment exists'. Anything about the dogs being smelly, dirty, a tie? Won't be long before there's an 'it snapped at a baby when I walked it' - and that's at best, the worst involves many of the noxious substances or 'running off'.

ChicaWowWow · 07/04/2025 12:23

He says ‘all my good feelings come from you, and I won’t be told that’s a negative!’ I just feel that’s a lot of pressure

if I say ‘you look nice today’ he will have to answer with ‘do you actually mean that though?!’

These are also horrible things to say and red flags!!!

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/04/2025 12:24

Mentioning your daughter and being naked in the same sentence is ... yet another red flag.

GeorgianaM · 07/04/2025 12:25

Mid life crisis is looming and he has become needy.

Keep an eye on him as he is indicating that his wants are not being met by you and may start looking elsewhere to find adulation.

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/04/2025 12:25

He might have some positive points but the negatives aren't going to change and probably get worse.

pinkdelight · 07/04/2025 12:27

also had a text while he was at work, ‘just hoping that obsession you had comes back, I am doing everything right’

This is such a perverse mindset and so unattractive. Guaranteed to dowse any last embers of 'obsession'.

TheBossOfMe · 07/04/2025 12:30

OMG, he sounds insane. You can do better than this, just get rid of him. He'll drain you.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/04/2025 12:33

I feel tired and bored just reading about him.

Mapleunicorn · 07/04/2025 12:34

Good god, HOW have you managed to stand this? He sounds completely exhausting and really quite pathetic. How utterly unattractive. And yes, the red flags are screaming at you.

Please do not stay with this man. For your sake and your DDs

Tiswa · 07/04/2025 12:34

@Forestdark this isn’t going to get better it is an awful way for you and even more so your DD to live and it will escalate as she gets oldrr

why are you staying - you have been renting for nearly a year so breaking the tenancy isn’t going to be hard and if you are scared to end it well that says alot

FourLetterAcronyms · 07/04/2025 12:35

OP, having been in a relationship with a covert narcissist, the red flags are screaming here. At the least, this guy is an emotional vampire who will suck you dry.
Please make plans to end this, quietly. Get support from friends and family. How much longer do you have left on your rental agreement? How soon can you leave?
The only way he's likely to leave willingly is if he has another woman lined up. Otherwise he will be putting up a fight.
Do not try to be right any more by telling him his idea of "obsession" is wrong. It will get you nowhere. Let him see that your priority is your DD and you. If he accuses you of being selfish then agree and say you are overwhelmed and can't give him the attention he deserves. All the while, make plans to leave or to get him out. Get some advice on how to end this safely.

Original poster
Forestdark · 07/04/2025 12:38

You are all very right, I have this horrible feeling inside that just never goes away. I have to listen to this.

I would hate to move again, especially as more distribution and this is a gorgeous house in an ideal location. He could not afford it alone, so I am going to speak to him about moving out, it’s just draining the life out of me.

I imagine he will dig his heels in, but ultimately he can’t afford to live here so I don’t think he has a choice

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 07/04/2025 12:40

Thank goodness @Forestdark I was going to post ‘fgs just end it already’ but you’re doing that. Well done. Dont waste any more of your time on this deranged and emotionally interrupted man.

VexedofVirginiaWater · 07/04/2025 12:40

‘just hoping that obsession you had comes back, I am doing everything right’

Such delusion!

WhatterySquash · 07/04/2025 12:40

He says ‘all my good feelings come from you, and I won’t be told that’s a negative!’ I just feel that’s a lot of pressure

It's horrendous, it IS a negative and it's not fair or reasonable for that pressure to be on you - and for him to be basically saying "yes all that pressure IS on you and I don't give a shit and refuse to accept that's not on."

He's clearly telling you he's deeply insecure, unable to manage or work on his own issues, and thinks it's OK to control you as a means to his own happiness. And on top of the clear red flags involved in that, as you say, that kind of neediness and pestering for attention is a massive turn-off and ick fatcor.

I'd be saying "You bloody well WILL be told it's a negative - by me. Bye then."

Well actually I'd be thinking that, but maybe being a bit more grey rock in dealing with him, as he could turn nasty and needs to be managed out carefully to keep you and your DD safe.

RatedDoingMagic · 07/04/2025 12:41

The absolute best-case scenario, if you don't end this relationship now, is that he temporarily puts more effort into masking his awful personality flaws that push him to being so needy and controlling. He won't be able to mask it forever though and next time the mask slips it will be worse.

For your daughter's sake if not for your own, please end it now.