Is my husband an Incel?

[DiannaSpanna]

Hubby and I finally got round to watching Adolescence on Netflix this week.

When we finally finished we chatted for ages about it and at one point he asked what incel meant. So I explained it was involuntary celibacy and that it was guys who couldn't find a woman to sleep with. He joked "so married men?".

This got me prickly and I responded that it's different, but he thought about it for a bit and then made the point that if a husband wants sex and his wife doesn't, he's therefore involuntary celibate. I couldn't argue, as I got what he meant and he wasn't have a dig at me or women in general, just stating what it conjured up for him. But it got my back up all the same and I've not been able to stop thinking about it.

I know why. At the beginning of our relationship and marriage we had a very healthy sex life. He's great in bed, generous and still gorgeous. But after 3 kids, my body changing and generally mellowing, I don't really feel sexual desires anymore. And I'm happy with that. It feels right for me.

So I can't even remember the last time we had sex. It's definitely been over a year.

He's clearly still keen, flirts and tries it on from time to time. But I just don't feel like it. He never guilts or pressures me and is super respectful, but I can see it hurts him to be rejected. And he definitely seems less joyous than he used to and just generally deflated.

So I'm worried that I've made my husband an incel, if not in terms of red pill forums and Andrew Tate etc (he's not an idiot), but the feelings of sadness and resentment that come from being rejected.

When it comes to sex, I have all the control. He has none and has to wait for if and when I feel like it. Which is almost never anymore. When I put myself in his shoes, and if the situation were reversed, I would be angry and feel powerless.

So I find myself in a place where I really don't know what to do. I love him to bits and adore our life together, but I've changed and now he's got to live without something as fundamental as sex - through no fault of his own.

I don't know why I'm writing this here, but would love to know if anyone else is going through the same and if you have any advice.

@GlassLampshades I think you should stop worshipping the arrogant twat you're married to and give him the shock of his life by divorcing him. He won't sleep with you and says he's perfectly willing to divorce you if you don't like it? That's SO insulting, so cruel, and not the words of someone who loves you. He's telling you that he really doesn't care if you're married or not. I bet he's got an amazing sex life on the side. I'm so angry for you.

Sorry, my comment was in reply to someone saying 'peri-menopausal crap', and that it's simply after you've reproduced it's natural to not be interested in sex, when I think it would make more sense with shifting hormones so don't think it's 'crap'. I'm peri-menopausal, hasn't changed my drive fortunately!

He’s not an incel just frustrated

with my body I honour you

Pity sex, reluctantly given, isn't honour, it's contempt.

No one needs to "let" anyone go because divorce no longer requires both spouses to consent or else wait up to five years.

He is definitely not an incel.

As a fellow involuntary celibate (woman), I feel very sorry for him.

This is me too op. For my own reasons I just have absolutely no interest in sex whatsoever ever anymore.
3dcs, weight gain and age, plus medical issues and I’ve kinda said I’m done with it. Every now and then I grin and bear it and I will have sex. I don’t feel pressured to do this, I do it because I love my husband and I know he feels really down about this- but he wouldn’t ever make me feel bad about it.
admittedly I really have to gear myself up to do it, when we have sex I actually really enjoy it and think maybe I could do this more often. But once it’s over my mindset is back and I just think nah it’s not worth it.
Donr feel bad for not wanting sex, but I think it’s important to hear your husbands feelings. Would you consider foreplay? Or maybe sex toys for him?

I'm on the 3rd episode of Adolescence and disappointed so far, as it doesn't seem to address any real facts, by blaming the murder ed girl for calling him an incel. I think it misses the point, as the whole men who sit online promoting abuse of women stems from USA society, where men & women dislike each other. Many USA women tell men they're disgusting if not cir'cised as a baby, and many USA men sit online being angry & confused why women prefer to sleep with men who want to make them feel good, than men who get angry and call women names. Europe has a culture of love & romance, but the USA has a culture of serial killers & incels.
The USA also has many men banned from other countries for making websites encouraging men to abuse women while travelling. Also the ones who make videos saying they don't want women are mainly from the USA. Yet instead of doing what they say by leaving women alone, they then spend their time on the video comments trying to make women feel bad about themselves and promote others abuse women.

Why don't you just separate? I would hate to think my partner was grinning and bearing anything,

Because separating is complicated. Houses, pensions, and most importantly, kids from a broken home (we’ve all seen the evil stepmum/blended families threads).

Is pp really going to say to her friends and family that the reason they’re breaking up their family is because of mismatched sex drives?

I‘M so sorry too.
I’ve also been though this to a different degree and I left marriage.
i think it may be worth your husband going to the doctors as low testosterone in men at certain ages is a real thing.

Brilliant post…xx

Why don't you work on trying to change "your mindset" if you find you enjoy sex once you have it?

Your post comes across as selfish tbh and it's quite grim to admit that you "grin and bear it" sometimes. You probably don't mean to be selfish but read it again with fresh eyes.

I think you need to take some steps to move things on rather than just give up. I feel sorry for your husband.

I just don’t think being angry at your partner for losing their sex drive or for not wanting to have sex is part of a healthy relationship. Sexual attraction is only one small part of sharing a life together. And while sexual attraction might have drawn you together in the first place it is usually many other factors that influence your decision to actually commit to each other for the long run including: actually liking each other, having compatibility, shared values, and love.

I have offered this he absolutely doesn’t want too. Neither do I

I feel very sorry for him too! It’s mainly medical why I don’t want to have sex it’s not just a case of I don’t fancy it anymore.
yeah I have more insecurities due to 3DCs etc but nothing I can’t get over. Like I say it’s more medical why I just have said no more, I’ve tried everything under the sun to try and make it work it it just doesn’t sadly

Sex doesn’t have to be PIV. Maybe you could both be a bit more creative?

Well then she will need to compromise then won't she? Because he is not going to want to stay in a sexless marriage, nor should she. So perhaps she is the one who should think about all that 'complicated' stuff.

#In the case of the OP, I am referring to.

Agreed. I think that being in a sexless marriage is soul destroying. But it’s not always as simple as “leave”.

I am wondering if this thread is genuine or put here to get conversation going by mn, as the op hasn’t been back!

when we have sex I actually really enjoy it and think maybe I could do this more often. But once it’s over my mindset is back and I just think nah it’s not worth it.

This is the part of your post I referred to.

But then you say it's due to a medical issue and that you have "tried everything under the sun" - which tbh just sounds like a cop out and you can't really be bothered to sort the problem out. Which is why I said I feel sorry for your husband.

Anyone can do click bait. Journos for instance

My older children are from a 'broken home' and yes, one of the reasons was mismatched sex drive. I didn't tell my family that because it's none of their business, you can separate for any reason. I have an excellent co-parenting with my ex and our children are very happy and have a great relationship with both of us. I also had/have a great relationship with my step children - their Mum was a nightmare though! Definitely would not recommend taking on a step parenting role if the other parent is difficult.

You’re wrong, for over 15 years I have tried and taken many medications all of which make me very poorly. So it all came to a head and I said enough is enough I can’t keep risking my health

What medical conditions are there that would prevent you from having sex sometimes, but able to get into it and enjoy it other times? What you wrote does sound rather contradictory.

Why are you asking people questions about their sex lives? What on earth has it got to do with you?