Is my husband an Incel?

[DiannaSpanna]

Hubby and I finally got round to watching Adolescence on Netflix this week.

When we finally finished we chatted for ages about it and at one point he asked what incel meant. So I explained it was involuntary celibacy and that it was guys who couldn't find a woman to sleep with. He joked "so married men?".

This got me prickly and I responded that it's different, but he thought about it for a bit and then made the point that if a husband wants sex and his wife doesn't, he's therefore involuntary celibate. I couldn't argue, as I got what he meant and he wasn't have a dig at me or women in general, just stating what it conjured up for him. But it got my back up all the same and I've not been able to stop thinking about it.

I know why. At the beginning of our relationship and marriage we had a very healthy sex life. He's great in bed, generous and still gorgeous. But after 3 kids, my body changing and generally mellowing, I don't really feel sexual desires anymore. And I'm happy with that. It feels right for me.

So I can't even remember the last time we had sex. It's definitely been over a year.

He's clearly still keen, flirts and tries it on from time to time. But I just don't feel like it. He never guilts or pressures me and is super respectful, but I can see it hurts him to be rejected. And he definitely seems less joyous than he used to and just generally deflated.

So I'm worried that I've made my husband an incel, if not in terms of red pill forums and Andrew Tate etc (he's not an idiot), but the feelings of sadness and resentment that come from being rejected.

When it comes to sex, I have all the control. He has none and has to wait for if and when I feel like it. Which is almost never anymore. When I put myself in his shoes, and if the situation were reversed, I would be angry and feel powerless.

So I find myself in a place where I really don't know what to do. I love him to bits and adore our life together, but I've changed and now he's got to live without something as fundamental as sex - through no fault of his own.

I don't know why I'm writing this here, but would love to know if anyone else is going through the same and if you have any advice.

Because I believe in consent?🙄

You are being really stupid now.

You have to accept that if you don’t have sex your partner doesn’t have to stay.

By being married to you, you are taking them out of the dating pool, and therefore, their only option to have that need met is through you.

The irony. Someone who says that sex is part of marriage, if you don't want sex don't get married - is calling me stupid.

Marital rape is illegal. If you're not happy in your marriage because of lack of sex, then you can leave.

It's beyond your tiny mind that people who can't have sex get married, asexuals get married and people with gynecological problems get married.

People who develop illnesses and can't have sex are perfectly entitled to marry or remain in their marriage.

Obviously you can divorce for any reason you like.

Tbf you do talk about how he still tries it on with you.... Which is a form of pressure when he knows you don't want sex. He may be slightly better because he doesn't actually force the act but he doesn't actually respect your decision

Incels stop being incels once they have sex, the idea is that they can't get any no matter hard they try, for life.

Your husband is in a dead bedroom situation, which can lead to similar feelings of resentment etc. He's more trapped than an incel, because he clearly still finds you attractive, buy cannot go somewhere else for validation and gratification. An incel might have options they willfully block or unaware of.

I don't think he's pressuring the OP when he "tries it on" because it doesn't sound like the topic of sex has been properly discussed between them.

I don't get the impression the OP has said to him that she never wants sex again in which case him "trying it on" would be pressure.

It sounds more like she has gradually gone off sex and doesn't know what to say to him about this or how to handle the situation because she is fearful it might lead to him deciding to leave.

Female incel here lol.

i've posted before about being in a dead bedroom with a handsome, successful, kind, generous, lovely, affectionate husband who I adore and who adores me.

He has no sex drive and is happy with the status quo while I am climbing the walls and in despair / anger. It's a very difficult topic to discuss with each other. He has offered to get divorced but I'm not ready for that step and I keep waiting and hoping in vain it will improve.

It's honestly one of the worst things I've ever experienced and deeply humiliating.

The words in the OP stung, about being keen, flirting, and trying it on, as that is me, not to coerce him but because I am attracted to him and think it should be a normal part of a married relationship and he has never outright said he expects it to never happen again. But i know it wouldnt bother him if that was the case.

I am constantly rejected and the pain is like nothing else.

I think the last time we were intimate was 6 weeks ago and no idea when it will happen again although he has hinted today about this evening being a possibility.

The desperation is real on my part. I can't have an affair as no-one else could compare to how loving and attentive he is when we are together. I can't leave this man, he is my best friend, my soul mate and my life partner. Father of my children. I'm completely trapped here.

Sorry for the me rail but the words in the OP touched a nerve.

Wow I mean, 1am NM really attracts some unhinged people.

If he made snippy comments after a month of not getting sex then maybe your opinion would have legs. After a year, it’s impossible not to bite.

I'm so sorry 😔

@GlassLampshades sorry to hear this and hope his “hint” materialises tonight x

@GlassLampshades i think I remember your previous threads (originally posted as a reverse?) and I’m so sorry things haven’t improved

I suspect that women who don't want sex aren't able to use the desire to please their husbands to get past the lack of physical arousal. I find vaginal penetration unpleasant at best and painful at worst, even with lube, when I'm not aroused. My vagina remains tense and my cervix remains low.

Would a decent person want to use their loved ones body? I wouldn't want sex with someone who had no desire to do so and was doing it to please me.

Just the thought of doing that to someone else makes me feel sick.

I think sex is different for men & women and I suspect there are many men who wouldn't be as bothered by that scenario.

An incel is a specific ideology, men who believe they are entitled to women's bodies and are very angry about the fact this 'right' is denied to them. It's not even really about sex it's just extreme misogyny. It's

So no, I hope your husband is not an incel. And he's not actually involuntarily celebate, he could leave you or cheat. He's chosing to honor his marriage vows over having sex

However I don't think you can just decide your never having sex again without talking to your husband about it. He may have bought the conversation topic up clumsily but he clearly doesn't want a sexless marriage and is clearly upset by it. And I can't really believe you are only now, over a year in considering your husband might feel sad and rejected by his wife not having sex with him

He's just made a literal interpretation of the term incel because he doesn't know what it actually means.

Slightly concerned he might use this term in the wild... 🫤

No, you don't promise to have sex with them. That's nowhere in the marriage vows, and the Law Lords ruled that men don't have a "conjugal right" to sex in 1991. www.casemine.com/judgement/uk/5a8ff8c960d03e7f57ecd707

If you found out that he was forcing himself to have sex that he doesn't actually want to give you "pity sex", how would you feel? Numerous posters on this thread have suggested that OP does that, so it would be informative to get the viewpoint about that of someone in her DH's situation.

i don't think the poster means that you make a literal promise....

Yeah, this is why I'm happily single for the last few years as my opinion of men falls and falls.

I’m a woman in the position your husbands in.
I’ve asked him to see a doctor, he hasn’t. I’ve asked him if it’s me and he just doesn’t fancy me, he says it’s not.
Ive told him how hurt, rejected and unhappy I feel.
Ive put up with it now for over four years and it’s fucking killing me.
I wouldn’t ever cheat. I just want him!
He carries on oblivious unbothered as he’s fine with how things are, but I’m preparing to divorce him.
Your husband is not an incel. He’s a man who is feeling hurt and confused at the constant rejection from the woman he loves.

It is in the marriage vows. Have you never heard the words "with my body I honour you?"

The promise is implied, because most people do not expect to be celibate when they marry and agree to "forsake all others."

Before the judgement you linked, men could not be prosecuted for raping their wives, so thank god it changed.

But the ninnies on this thread who conflate rape with the reasonable expectation of a sex life when married and not allowed to have sex with anyone else are being disingenuous.

OBVIOUSLY the solution is divorce, not rape, if someone really doesn't want to sleep with their spouse.

But the spouse with no desire rarely does the decent thing and lets the spouse go. Hence forums like dead bedroom on Reddit.