DH ‘took the kids to the park’ (2 of 4, obviously)

[FrustratedMum2025]

Need to vent because I’m about 3 minutes from turning into a human scream. DH offered (big generous word, that) to “give me a break” and “take the kids to the park for a bit” this afternoon. Great, right?

Except… he took two of the four children. DS1 and DD2. The easy ones today. The ones who don’t throw a fit when you zip up their coat the wrong way or dissolve into a puddle because their banana snapped.
Guess who got left behind with DS2 (mid-sugar crash and refusing to nap) and DD1 (who is 12 going on 35 and in a mood because I wouldn’t let her buy £18 toner at Tesco)?

Meanwhile, DH is sending me pics from the park like he’s Father of the Year, with DS1 smiling on the swings and DD2 feeding ducks like something from a bloody Boden catalogue.

Back here? DS2 bit me (gently, but still) and DD1 just told me I “don’t get how hard it is to be a tween.” I am actively hiding in the downstairs loo with half a bag of Haribo DS1 left behind.

I love them. I do. But why do men get points for showing up late to a game we’ve been playing since dawn?

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

That is not an excuse to be an unsupportive partner, or a lazy parent.

Not what I was getting at. My husband will do anything I ask him to do when it comes to the children, he just sometimes doesn't think of it himself. And of course people will say that he shouldn't need to be asked, but he does. After nearly two decades of marriage I know the 'guess what I want you to do approach' doesn't work for us.

Belief isn’t fact.

We are socialised into gender roles.

Women and men behave and act differently because of the expectations set for them (bare minimum in general for men) , not because of their sex.

Quite, and it seems to me that the bar is exceptionally low for men.

Well. We're all different. However, my husband of 30+ years plus adult DS can manage to show initiative with every kind of family and household task. Even though they are men.

Enjoy your next weekend op!

So… after a spirited morning involving DD1 refusing to wear anything that wasn’t “a vibe,” DS2 losing his mind over the wrong socks (again), and DS1 trying to gaslight DD2 into giving him the last piece of toast – we’ve finally made it out the door.

Correction: they made it out the door. All four. DH is doing his “hands-on dad” bit this morning and took them all to the park for what he described as a “nice little outing” (said with the same tone he’d use if he were off to war).

Me? I’m sat in blissful silence with a cup of tea that’s actually hot. Might even exfoliate. Not even mad he looked like he needed a lie-down after just getting them in the car. Honestly tempted to text him a running commentary like:
“Just washed my own face, no one screamed at me. Felt weird.”
“Just made tea with both hands, might cry.”
“Just peed alone – do I get a point?”

Anyway. Holding firm for my six hour escape next weekend. I might even disappear for seven, just to be spicy.

Will report back later if he survives.

Good. It does sound like going to war frankly! Let him be part of the army

Have I missed where you've actually SPOKEN TO HIM and told him he needs to be a better parent? Because I absolutely agree with you and you have every right to be fuming, but instead of just complaining about it to strangers on the internet, you should be dealing with your husband (and of course complaining about it to strangers on the internet!).

You are awesome, OP. There have been absolute morons on here. And well done for getting DH to take them all out. He will come home and expect you to be sooooooo thankful. Don’t be. My Dh takes one out (we have two) and he is father of the year. The bar is so much lower.

Currently sat in a cafe with zero children climbing on me or licking the salt shakers so honestly it feels like I’ve checked into a spa. Ordered something with sides just because I could.

Got a text from DH:
“Do you want us to stop for ice cream on the way back?”

I’m pretending my phone’s dead for the next hour. Might order dessert and stare blankly into the middle distance like I’ve seen things.

Also: appreciate the solidarity, honestly. And yes, for those asking – we have spoken. Well. I say “spoken.” I made eye contact and said “six hours next Saturday, non-negotiable,” and he nodded like he’d just agreed to donate a kidney.

Anyway. Cheers to functional adulthood and lunch that doesn’t come with a side of “Mum, I’m full” after two bites.

Just had the chat. You know the one. Sat DH down and said I’m not doing this half-arsed tag-team anymore where I carry the schedule, the logistics, the meltdowns, the “what’s for dinner,” the birthday cards, the uniform sorting, the dentist appointments, the everything. Told him straight I’m overwhelmed and done feeling like the project manager of our own bloody household.

He nodded. Said he’s tired too. Said he “works hard.”
Cool. So do I. I work hard and somehow know when we’re out of Calpol and that DS2 has forest school on Thursdays and that DD2 needs black tights for her school play.

He did listen. Sort of. But there’s that glazed-over look – like he’s trying to calculate how many things he has to nod at before he’s allowed to check the football scores.

Anyway. I said what needed to be said. Told him this isn’t a favour he’s doing when he takes the kids out, it’s parenting. And if he doesn’t want to co-captain this circus with me, he can start sleeping in the tent.

Will report back if the mental load gets any lighter or if I end up taking next weekend’s six-hour break via the wine aisle in Tesco.

That's really good that you've had the conversation. I hope that you feel a bit better for that, and at least partially rested.
Perhaps a more structured plan going forward, eg what exactly he has to sort out, or take charge of? I'm glad you told him you were overwhelmed. He needs to know.

@Pyjamatimenow rude or what…….just cos it’s full on doesn’t mean she doesn’t want them.

Sorry
A break would mean taking 4 kids....it's doable in the past I've taken 2 families worth (6), and if ever you volunteer at a school regularly you often get 4/8 (non regular 2).
They're his kids, and TBF if he couldn't handle it he should have at least given you the choice. Maybe next time he suggests it you should say great I'll see you in 4 hours & hop out the door sharpish.👍

Men honestly……ex DH thinks taking DC out for a walk once a week for an hour and sitting with him in my house twice a week for a hour while scrolling on his phone is coparenting 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Used to drive me mad when kids were younger, it was school holidays and DH was between contracts, and I'd have to ask him for just one day to 'do something with the kids', meaning like, take them out for the day?

Now, he wasn't doing nothing, contract hunting was a very full-on job, but almost every time I did ask this, I'd get home at 6 to an empty house, DH and kids were back twenty minutes later and it would turn out that he took them to the park half an hour before I got back.

I’ve proper laughed reading your posts, you need to write a book!
Hope he pulls his finger out at least on a weekly basis so you get a break, men eh! 😩🤣

Bit of a rollercoaster this afternoon tbh. Took half an hour around 3 to just sit and write in my journal like some kind of adult with thoughts (rare). Realised how completely I’ve been bulldozing over myself for everyone else, running on fumes, snapping at the kids, feeling like the worst version of me and then feeling guilty for being so bloody exhausted by it all.

I don’t want to be the mum who’s always gritting her teeth and counting the minutes till bedtime. But I also can’t keep being the default setting for everything. Something’s got to give, and spoiler alert: it’s not going to be me anymore.

Made a quick dinner (pasta bake, nothing fancy). DH was in the garage “fixing” something aka escaping the chaos. Kids were feral, DD1 and DS1 in full-scale war over the remote, DS2 still overtired and overstimulated from the park. I’m running a tight ship on a sinking raft and honestly? I need wine. Or a week in a silent retreat.

But yeah, glad I had the convo earlier. Not expecting miracles, but I’ve started planting the “this is not sustainable” seed. Whether he waters it or lets it die, we’ll see.

I swear people read one or two nasty comments at the beginning of a thread and feel it immediately gives them the green light to take their personal aggression issues out on the OP. The amount of kids isn’t the issue, DH is! I have five and my husband is about to keep them for a week while I go on a beach trip and stare into space in silence for a while. It is not an impossibly unmanageable mass of humanity.
Glad you’ve had “the chat” with him OP, stand firm and make him co-parent his own children!

Have another talk with him, saying what you said on here at 18.20. it's too much for you.
Think of a plan, what he does, what you can outsource (cleaner, food delivery, ironing, weekly babysitter, whatever).
This is really bringing back unhappy memories for me, I'm one of 5 kids and it got too much for my mum. She just got snappy and negative and always seemed tired and cross. I wish I had happier memories.
Look after your physical and mental health.

WTF?

OP, would it be possible as a start to give him the responsibility of parenting (all) the kids while you cook? Every day.

Shut yourself in the kitchen with the cooking and glass of wine every evening…..? 😗

OP do you work in writing/journalism/ publishing? I do, and you have a lovely turn of phrase. (I’ve only read your very funny updates and not what I’m sure are some spicy comments, sorry if you are getting abuse for having the temerity to tip over the acceptable child limit boundary ;)