DH ‘took the kids to the park’ (2 of 4, obviously)

[FrustratedMum2025]

Need to vent because I’m about 3 minutes from turning into a human scream. DH offered (big generous word, that) to “give me a break” and “take the kids to the park for a bit” this afternoon. Great, right?

Except… he took two of the four children. DS1 and DD2. The easy ones today. The ones who don’t throw a fit when you zip up their coat the wrong way or dissolve into a puddle because their banana snapped.
Guess who got left behind with DS2 (mid-sugar crash and refusing to nap) and DD1 (who is 12 going on 35 and in a mood because I wouldn’t let her buy £18 toner at Tesco)?

Meanwhile, DH is sending me pics from the park like he’s Father of the Year, with DS1 smiling on the swings and DD2 feeding ducks like something from a bloody Boden catalogue.

Back here? DS2 bit me (gently, but still) and DD1 just told me I “don’t get how hard it is to be a tween.” I am actively hiding in the downstairs loo with half a bag of Haribo DS1 left behind.

I love them. I do. But why do men get points for showing up late to a game we’ve been playing since dawn?

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Most of the reasons people don't have four kids are financial, medical and choice. I'm one of 4 and as kids we were all dicks at some point. Difference is I had a father who would actually parent and give my mother a break. So in the words of Elizabeth Darko - Go suck a fuck.

🙄

I think your mistake was to think things would change if you had more children. Stop being a martyr and have a conversation with him and ask why he shows you no respect.

I think the OP is fine to ignore the dishes. She doesn't need to tell her dh he's on dishes duty. It's not the OP's responsibility to manage her dh's share of the domestic chores.

@FrustratedMum2025 I don’t think it’s that anyone sees 4 kids as a moral failing, it’s more just that most people have a long think about how their life might look like for the next 10 years and sort of expect the worst!

I knew that having 3 was going to be hard, we’ve no family nearby, we both work full time. I knew I was likely to be knackered, poor and overworked for the next 10 years so I’m quite surprised that it’s not quite as bad as I was expecting! I don’t get much me time at all but as I see it my kids will all be teenagers sooner than I know it so I can live with having me time then.

My partner 100% does pull his weight though and it seems like the main issue is his expectations rather than anything else. If this is true then I think I’d be thinking about how you got here and how to address the inbalance. If he’s not usually a knob something has gone wrong and needs to change. Yes, as others have said why haven’t you assumed he’s doing the dishes if you’ve cooked (or you do the dishes whilst he puts all the youngest kids to bed).

It doesn’t seem like you and your husband are able to communicate effectively with each other which I feel would be kind of crucial In raising 4 kids. Ineffective communication leads to resentment between partners, which is where you’re at.

You need to start being more him, eg demand praise for everything you do, photos, just take the two kids out and then cheerily ask what’s for dinner afterwards. Gradually extend the time you fuck off for alone at weekends. Be uncontactable.

I hope he cooked?
Now that everyone has eaten and the little ones are in bed, I hope you can relax and regroup a bit. If you're not in the mood to talk to him tonight, make some time tomorrow, this will fester.
This is about you being overwhelmed and feeling unsupported and he needs to hear that.
Do you both work? Think about how chores and childcare are shared and make a plan moving forward. It's tough. Good luck 🤞

I’m one of four and found it really interesting just how many of my more ‘middle class’ friends wondered if we all had the same dad.

Is anyone on here who has wondered the same thing about the OP willing to offer an answer? And could they honestly say they’d ask Helena Rees-Mogg the same question if they’d got chatting to her and didn’t realise who she was?

The comments about choosing to have four kids, you knew what you were getting etc are so depressing. THEY BOTH had four children, they should parent with teamwork and fairness. Amazing how quickly women tear each other down but reflect on this: you are basically saying that women shouldn’t have multiple children as the men can’t help look after too many. Why not? He fathered four so presumably can look after four? He just isn’t operating in a way that really supports ALL the family.

I don't understand, you thought you had the same Dad as your friends?
Helena Rees Mogg has a nanny, a cook and a housekeeper, I suspect she's not under the same kind of pressure as the OP!

Boils my piss.
My DH also does this, he will take all the DC occasionally but …feeds them crap or not all all (snacks) leaves the house in a tip, kids aren’t bathed (even if I go away for days, skips their (paid for) extra curricular classes. Then wants a medal.
I can’t be grateful towards him doing his job (looking after our children) in Disney style whilst leaving the Cinderella stuff for me and telling me that he had quite an easy day.
I do call him out but have to do it carefully otherwise I am ungrateful 😂 Sometimes I leave the shit tip for his return and I have stopped (or hide) buying easy dinners (e.g meatballs or sausage and beans in a tin) to try and force the issue. Have also trained the DC to know that every meal should include veg, carb and protein.
Once after I called him out, he said “but I am a good Dad” . He looked crushed. Would be great if you be a good dad, drop the Disney and be husband at the same time please. Just some of the time would be great. Had plenty of time to perfect the art.

Please God tell me you have a dishwasher? If you have not, look up the table top compact type. Sits on sink drainer, size of a large microwave, drains into sink. Life saver!!! Buy through a cash back app. I use Quidco.

Haven't you got that really important SOLO shopping trip in the morning @FrustratedMum2025 <nudge,wink, wink> I am sure you mentioned it...yep, patio slabs and a shovel...

Like fuck would I have been marched to the park with toddlers at 12 years old?!!!

Not realistic. Feel bad for the 12 YO, sounds utter chaos.

I have no idea how you got that from what I wrote 😂

I said I found it really interesting just how many of my more middle class friends wondered if my three siblings and I all had the same dad, and I was wondering whether any of the people who asked the OP the same question would be willing to explain why that question had occurred to them.

And my point about Helena Rees-Mogg is that she has six children. Her staffing arrangements are irrelevant. It could have been anyone with 4+ children and a posh accent. If you didn’t know who she was, would you ask her if her children all had the same dad?

You have won me over. I can’t believe you were ever a dick!

People who have one and find them hard work get it the other way too, "at least you only have the one". Parents can't win.

Parenting is hard, the number of kids someone has chosen doesn't matter when they aren't being supported by their so-called partner.

I had 4 kids under 7 and it was easy to get out and about with them when 1 or 2 were restrained in the pushchaire. Then there was a tricky stage when I had a 2 year old and a 4 year old (plus the two others!) neither of whom were in the pushchair or sling any more and both needed extremely close supervision by roads etc. I did have to build myself up to things like park trips alone - I often found it easier to go with a friend and their kids at first because then there was the feeling that if something went wrong, there'd be another adult there (even though my best friend at the time also had 4 of similar ages, so the ratio didn't actually change)

I'm not excusing DH's knobheadedness but sometimes men don't have the same.camaraderie and mates they can meet up with with the kids, but it might not be a bad idea for him to team up the first few times he goes out with 3+ DC.

My DH happily took/ takes out 4 DC out alone but again he did have to build a bit of confidence after Covid (when it was 2 adults at all times because of the circumstances) by having them by himself at home then building up to trips out. Parenting effectively is a learnt skill and it sounds like your family just need to recalibrate and DH needs to build his confidence.

I will caveat this with: your DH has fallen into the trap (set by society, his upbringing etc etc) of thinking childcare is simultaneously so easy that when a woman does it, it's nothing, but when a man does it, it excuses him from everything else. So a good chat and a poo-poo of that mindset is needed too!

Good luck!

At 12 I was often "marched to the park" with my 7 year old sister so she had "someone to play with".

It's not unheard of for older children to do something with the younger children. It's part of being a family.

Why didn't you just say "if in having a break, you need to take all 4". Taking the kids to the park is nothing special or difficult.

Ha ha. My DH got stopped in the street by a man who told him he was a "hero" for taking three kids to school. (Whilst dozens of women doing the exact same thing walked past then).

Because it wasn't clear from what you wrote, if you read it back 😂.
So it's about your siblings and you. Ok.
You've clarified it now, many thanks 👍.

You could have left the tween sulk and watched cartoons with the biter.

Then tomorrow announce to DH you're returning the favour and taking the two easy ones out to give him a break

My in-laws do this. Offer to have the easiest child/children to stay and tell everyone they know that they are "giving me a break". I don't mind if they never have any of my dc to stay with them but if they want to give me a break they should have taken one of the younger, more difficult ones not the dc who are adults.

Do you both work full time?
Do either of you get much child free time in the week? (Work isn’t included)