In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.
The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.
In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.
So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.
After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.
I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.
Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)
He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.
Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.
I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.
I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.
Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.
Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.
Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"
So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.
(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)
I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.
He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.
He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.
I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.
I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.
I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.
He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.
I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.
He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.
Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?
I actually feel sick 😔