Ruined my life for a man who turned out to be full of shit

[babs891]

In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.

The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.

In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.

So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.

I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.

Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)

He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.

Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.

I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.

I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.

Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.

Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.

Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"

So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.

(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)

I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.

He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.

He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.

I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.

He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.

I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.

He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

I actually feel sick 😔

@babs891 if your ex is in an awful place would he move back ?
Is this repairable and better for everyone for a while longer ? And like you said you don’t plan to date any time soon.
Your ex dh sounds like a good guy.

…sorry, are we supposed to feel sorry for her?

You can always count on the women on MN to kick another woman in the teeth when she already down. 😠

Never put a man first.

Urgh sorry OP I despise him on your behalf.
How could he be so callous as to play around with yours and your daughter life like that, making it difficult for you to co parent and essentially causing harm to a disabled childs life in favour of his own needs.
Can you make things better with your daughters father, it sounded like you were able to co parent well at one point were you friends, could you confide in him at all.
One of you was going to end up moving out at some point though, and at least you have got this other guy out of your life for good.

Well, yes, she thought he really loved her, that they had a future together, turns out he just wanted to get his end away. She was a wreck, he was indifferent.
Judge away, if that helps you.

Please don’t be dramatic. If he is a decent sort he will understand. We all make mistakes and want to be loved. I think a good and honest discussion will clear the air regardless.

Yup, I definitely do.

You are a trusting person, honest and you expect others to be honest. He was not. Horrible lesson, but a useful one. You will be careful in the future and he will get his comeuppance, without a doubt.

When you've finished with one boot, why don't you put the other one in as well? The OP doesn't need you to kick her when she's down.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

A bit of both, to be fair. But I’ve been there and fallen for the same crap, so no judgement from me. I hope you can get things back on track with your ex so you can be friendly again. Just be honest. Tell him you got swept up in the romance of it all, you messed up and you’re really sorry.

What you need to do now is put in some rules. I know you don’t want to date again at the moment, and that’s absolutely fine and probably a very good idea. But you might not feel this way for the rest of your life, so you need the rules imprinted in your brain long before then.

• You don’t let him anywhere near your DD. Not as a friend, not as a colleague. If he suggests it, then you shut that shit down straight away. He needs to prove himself to you a dozen times over before he gets anywhere near her. And if he suggests you meeting his DC, then decline. You don’t know him either yet and you shouldn’t contribute to them being introduced to yet another of Dad’s ‘friends’.
• If he is contacting you all day, every day, he is lovebombing you. The second you get used to it, and start looking forward to his ‘good morning beautiful’ texts, they will stop. It’s like he’s psychic. And then you start watching your phone, willing him to text you and being grateful for any crumb of attention he throws your way.
• If he mentions love or, more likely, tells you that he could see himself falling for you, in the first six months, he is lovebombing you. In the first six months, he doesn’t know you. He hasn’t seen you at your worst. He hasn’t seen you in a strop. You don’t know if you have the same attitudes towards money/children/families etc.
• If he asks you to change any aspect of your life to suit him better, he is going to ghost you as soon as you do it.
• Say no to him. See how he reacts.
• If he talks about holidays or living together or getting engaged or wanting more children in the first six months, then he is future faking. The second you start believing him, he’ll be off.

Men like him just want to know that they can make a person do whatever they want. It's sinister.

Yes you need a better radar, but you also need to look at your life more holistically. Why were you so vulnerable that you put your ex-partner, your child, your job, potential future lines on the line for someone you'd known for a few months? No doubt the separation had something to do with it, but there has to be more and only you really can know what.

And her “childhood sweetheart” who she probably wrecked just as much in the process?

Sorry but most women have agency and it’s infantilising and insulting to pretend that they don’t.

You sound lovely and I wish you well. Time will heal this hurt.

Hey lovely - plenty of us on here have done something incredibly stupid although only some will admit it - I’ve certainly been there -ended up spending 3 years trying to get out of a relationship with a pretty lazy alcoholic who hid it well- very charming, good looking, fun - I was at a bit of a low point post divorce- managed to blow relationship with my ex H - I won’t go into details but was a lot worse than your situation- chin up- the guy is a twat- he just hid it really really well

OP. - I know it’s often mentioned on here but have you looked at the freedom programme? Although it’s usually recommended for women who have been in abusive relationships, it could be useful for you to spot red flags and signs of love bombing/gaslighting/narcissism quicker.

Many of us had rebound relationships with wankers we cringe about now usually our first post divorce foray back into dating. Certainly I spent 2 years dating a man I wouldn’t have looked at twice had I been in a less vulnerable headspace.

Caring too much about the feelings of others is your only crime here. Learn from it. You and your DD = your number one priority from now on. Forget this sad sack and know your worth. Don’t give him a second thought from now on. ☺️

Glad I’m not the only one who read it like this. I mean, what on earth

I think (from nothing scientific, just experience.. of being me) that we are vulnerable and absolutely not in the right headspace for our first relationship after a big break up. But we have to have it, and some people might do it with grace and confidence and do it well. But loads of us end up in something way less than great. I certainly did. But we learn from it. We go, “ok, I was sad and scared and made bad decisions. Okay.” We don’t beat ourselves up for the choices we made when we were sad and scared, but we learn from them. And when we’re ready, we’ll make better choices next time. But we forgive our sad, scared, broken-hearted selves for the decisions made back then,

He is a stranger, OP. The man who promised you a happy future is a fiction, a figment of his own imagination.
I hope that you can make things up with XP. I have a hunch that if you tell him he was right in saying that this other man was a narcissist and that you feel a complete idiot to have been taken in, he may be able to forgive you in time and be friends again.

This has all happened in less than the space of a year, your life isn’t ruined, you still have your don snd you just need to talk honestly with your ex and figure out how to make things easier and also get things figured out do you can go parent easier again. Best of luck op, good thing you didn’t move in with that man

Op exactly the same thing happened to me - in hindsight (it was years ago), I was also a fool and just out of my marriage. Some men prey on vulnerable women or women who are vulnerable emotionally because of a break up - they see us and we're easy pickings. It's not you, or me, it's them that are the problem. We're just nice ordinary women going through a tough time.

Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. It's a learning curve, and a good one to learn.

I wish you much love and happiness - when you're ready xx

What a dickhead. He has told you who he is. Believe him.

The only thing that would make this situation worse is if you continued to go on again/off again with this selfish idiot.

You need to focus on now is your home life and repairing your parenting relationship with your ex, who sounds like he’s been v reasonable through all this.

It’s really common when you’ve left a long relationship where your needs were unmet to massively fall for a twat frankly. He probably gave you exactly what you’ve been missing for long, but actually what you need is those missing bits, but also some of the elements you did have in your relationship. It’s pretty crap but take this as a learning experience, it will help you figure out exactly what you need in a relationship moving forward and highlight what’s important to you

No point beating yourself up Op. You were vulnerable and what's done is done.
See if you can have a frank talk with your ex and rebuild your partnership for the sake of both of you and your child.

Next relationship - slow down. It was far too soon to introduce him to your daughter and far too soon to be thinking about settling down. But you know that now, you won't get caught out again.